


My Angel

by brown_eyed_fallen_angel, Casgirl176



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Castiel, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Artist Castiel, Bad Boy Dean, Bad Decisions, Betrayal, Bottom Castiel, Bullying, Castiel Has Secrets, Castiel Plays the Piano, Character Death, Confused Dean, Cutting, Dean Plays Guitar, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friendship, Homophobic Language, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Language, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Making Out, My First AO3 Post, My First Destiel Fanfic, My First Smut, POV Alternating, Physical Abuse, Prom, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Gabriel, Religious Castiel, Rock and Roll, Romance, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Singer Dean, Suicide Attempt, Surprise Ending, Tears, Top Dean, Trust, Underage Drinking, Verbal Abuse, Virgin Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-17 05:33:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 35
Words: 90,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3517295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brown_eyed_fallen_angel/pseuds/brown_eyed_fallen_angel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casgirl176/pseuds/Casgirl176
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school AU</p><p>"Why? What makes it your business? What gives you the right?"</p><p>"Because I care about you goddamn it! I fucking care about you! I can't get you off my mind Cas. I'm worried about you man."</p><p>"Why would you care about me? Nobody cares about me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Castiel

I awoke to the sound of silence. Funny how that sound is so welcoming to me. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to face what the day had for me. I really didn't want to.

Slowly, I got out of bed and quietly walked down the hall. Ever so cautiously, I peeked in the door at the end. Dad was already gone.

I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding and returned to my room. I looked at my reflection debating on whether or not I should take a shower. Deciding that it never hurts to be clean, I went to take a shower.

When I was finished, I got ready for the day. I put on a long sleeve white button up top, a pair of jeans, my converse, and a dark blue tie. I looked at my hair and debated should I comb it or leave it? I decided on the latter; leaving my hair messy like I had just gotten out of bed.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I liked the casual business look that I had going and tried to smile. Grabbing my gray hoodie I walked down the stairs into the kitchen.

I checked the time on the stove: 6:30. I grabbed a banana to eat on my way to school and started the half hour walk. I enjoyed walking to school despite what people may think. It was so quiet and it gave me time to be alone. Time to think. Time where there were no bullies from school, or dads who blame you for your mothers death.

I flinched at that thought and all the things that were associated with it. The voice started to whisper to me, and I involuntarily grabbed my left arm. 'Shut up' I thought and the voice was silent again.

The rest of my walk was peaceful and I actually felt a little bit of the happiness I had once had. After all it was a beautiful day, my father hadn't been home to start my morning on a sour note. Maybe today would actually be a good day. Then again i've been wrong before.

I stood outside the building staring at the brick walls. My prison. People pushed past me going to meet up with their friends. I could never fully understand why it was so imperative to meet up with your friends the moment you got to school. Most of these people had spent the entire summer together and had seen each other just last week at school, yet they acted like they hadn't seen each other in years. I shook my head and started for the doors. I could feel them staring at me as I walked into this hell for prepubescent Neanderthals.

I ignored the stares, after all, after this year I never had to see these people again. Those were the kind of thoughts that got me through the day.

I walked up to my locker, the same one I'd had for the past three years. I opened my locker and sighed as the usual hate mail fell at my feet. I shoved my bag into the locker grabbed my books for first period and shut the door.

"Hey, you!" Its too early for this shit. "Hey I'm talking to you, you mindless fuck!" I turned around to face my tormentor as expected it was Metatron my personal bully since elementary school.

He sauntered up to me and shoved me. I stumbled a little but didn't fall. "You know, I'm upset with you. Me and my buddies wrote you all those nice notes and you didn't read any of them."

He shoved me again, and this time I fell.

"Needless to say, my feelings are hurt." Metatron looked down at me and grinned. I braced for impact. Metatron laughed and kicked me in the stomach, hard. I groaned and clutched my stomach curling into the fetal position.  


"Next time, you should read my notes, freak." He walked away and everybody continued to their classes. Nobody stopped to help me.

'You deserve this,' the voice whispered, 'you deserve all of this. You killed your mother. You're a bad soul. Why do you still breath?' I picked myself up off the floor and calmly walked to the nearest boys bathroom. When the door shut behind me I slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest. I cried.

The voice was still whispering hateful things in my head. 'Stupid. Failure. Weak. Pathetic. Mistake. Freak. Cut.do it. Do it, you worthless piece of trash. Cut. Cut until you die.' I pulled my bag over and unzipped the small zipper on the side. In a zombie like trance I pulled the small matchbox out. I opened the box and stared at the small piece of sharp metal. I pulled it out of the box. I ran my fingers across the smooth piece of metal. I exhaled a shuttery breath.

'Do it, freak. Coward.' The voice taunted me. With tears streaming down my face I gripped the razor between the fingers of my right hand and rolled my left arm sleeve up. Hesitantly I placed the blade to the exposed skin. 

'Do it. Freak.' Slowly I drug the blade across my arm putting pressure on it as I went.

I watched as the familiar red creeped out of the split skin. It started slow but after a few seconds the blood was running down my arm. Again and again I drug the blade across my skin. I stopped and looked at all the blood.

The voice was silent again.

I stood and walked over to the sink and cleaned my arm. One, two, three, four, five more cuts on my arm next to all the rest that were healing already. I waited till the blood stopped then I pulled my sleeve back down. I put the blade back in its box and shoved it back in my bag. I looked at my refletion and tried to smile. It didn't look right so I stopped smiling and headed out of the bathroom.

Classes had already started so the hallways were empty. I stepped into the empty space and turned to go to my class. Instead I ended up flat on my back on the floor. 

"Son of a bitch!" I heard a deep voice exclaim.

"I am terribly sorry," I quickly apologized as I got off the floor.

"Nah don't be sorry man, it was my fault. Here, lemme help you up." I felt a pair of hands wrap around my bicep and pull me up. "There, no hard feelings, yeah?" I kept my head down but shook the hand he offered me.

"You can look at me, I promise I won't bite. unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing." He laughed and slowly, cautiously, I looked up.

In that moment I knew there was a God, and boy did he have a sick sense of humor.

When I looked up at the boy it was none other than Dean Winchester. With the most dazzling pair of fanfiction green eyes I had ever seen. I was captivated by his eyes and his perfect lips that were practically begging me to kiss them. Then he smiled and my heart skipped a beat.

'Holy fuck this guy is hotter up close'

"See, that wasn't so bad was it? " I shook my head words wouldn't work for me at the moment.

"I'm Dean. Dean Winchester." I nodded, which made him laugh. "I uh, know who you are." He looked at me confused, "Really?" I cleared my throat, "Of course, everyone knows who Dean Winchester is." 

"Oh," Dean shrugged, "Didnt know I was so popular. You got a name, blue eyes?" I cleared my throat, "My apologies, my name is Castiel Novak."

"Castiel, that's a cool name." I could feel the blush start to creep up my neck. "I have to go to class, now." 

"Right." Dean stepped to the side and I walked past him.

"You wanna have lunch with me today?" I stopped, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, of course I'm serious. Wanna have lunch with me?" I turned and looked at him, he looked sincere and nervous?

"I would very much enjoy accompanying you at lunch." He smiled and God if I didn't almost faint from how hot he was.

"Awesome, see you later, man."

"Yes, I will see you later." I turned away from Dean and continued to class. The cuts momentarily forgotten and a ghost of a smile on my face. Maybe today really would be a good day.


	2. Dean

I looked up at the brick building. Fuck, summer had ended too soon.

"Well its now or never," I told myself as I slowly walked towards the building.

When I opened the doors the hallways were chaotic. There were kids rushing from their lockers trying to get to class on time. There were a couple of seniors shoving a freshman in a trash can. I shook my head, "only one more year."

I strolled through the hallway like I owned the school. Which I kinda did, in a manner of speaking. Being the guitarist, lead singer, and best song writer for the only rock band in Lawrence High kinda made me a big deal.

I walked up to my locker, not even planning on going to class, and noticed a slight disturbance in the force. There were a bunch of kids standing by their lockers just staring at the floor. Curious, I walked over to the area. I saw Metatron, the king of all douches, standing over a boy I had never seen before.

"Hey, dude," I nudged the guy beside me, "who's that kid thats bein' picked on?"

"Oh, the weird ass dude? That's the same kid he picks on everyday. Where have you been, bro?"

"Anywhere but here, apparently." I looked back towards the fight, if you could really call it that, and watched Metatron kick the kid in the stomach.

Metatron sneered and said something, then walked away. I watched the kid lay on the floor clutching his stomach. Nobody helped him, they all just walked by like nothing happened. Myself included.

The bell rang and the hallway quickly cleared. I watched as the boy picked himself up off the floor and ducked into the nearest boys bathroom. I wanted to go and make sure that he was OK but I couldn't move. How could everybody just walk by like that? Nobody even slowed down.

Finally, my brain caught up with my body and I walked towards the bathroom. I was about to walk in when I changed my mind and turned to go.

"Come on," I scolded myself, "They just beat that kid up for no apparent reason and you didn't do anything to stop it, the least you can do is go make sure he's alright." I turned around and went back towards the bathroom.

"This is a bad idea, this kid will think you're a douche for not helping." I turned to leave again but heard the door opening behind me. I quickly turned back around and knocked over the poor kid. He fell flat on his back.

"Son of a bitch!" I yelled now I felt even worse than before. I looked down and saw the poor kid trying to get up.

"I am terribly sorry," he apologized, he apologized to me for running into him!?!

"No don't be sorry man, it was my fault. Here, lemme help you up." I reached out and grabbed his bicep, he was more muscular than he looked.

"There, no hard feelings?" I extended my hand in a friendly gesture. He kept his face down but shook my outstretched hand.

"You can look at me, I promise I won't bite...unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing." I laughed a little at my own joke trying to make things less awkward. 'What the hell Dean?' He slowly lifted his head and I swear, in that moment, I felt weird.

When he looked at me, I saw the purest blue eyes I had ever seen. It was like someone had taken the brightest stars mixed them with the ocean, added a hint of the sky, and placed them on that perfect face. The blue was amplified even more by his disheveled dark hair.

I couldn't help but stare. I mentally scolded myself. He looked like he was staring too and that made me smile.

"See that wasn't so bad was it?" It took him a minute but he shook his head no. The look of awe on his face made my heart stutter. 'Why?'

"I'm Dean Winchester by the way." He nodded and it was so cute that I laughed. 'Dean did you seriously just think that another guy was cute? What the HELL?' 

"I uh, know who you are," the boy said. I looked at him confused, "Really?" He nodded, "Everyone knows who Dean Winchester is." 

"Oh," I shrugged, "I didn't know I was that popular. You got a name blue eyes?" He blinked like he just remembered how to interact with people, then he cleared his throat, "My apologies, my name is Castiel. Castiel Novak."

His voice shocked me, it was deeper than I had imagined and really gravelly. I liked it. 'Stop it Dean.'

"Castiel," I tried the name out, "that's a cool name." 'Did I just say that out loud?!? Way to be a lame ass Dean! Seriously what the fuck? Just play it cool, act like nothing happened.' I smiled to cover up my panic and waited for his response. He started blushing! It was adorable. 'Did I just think he was adorable?'

"I have to go to class now," he whispered and looked at the ground.

"Right sorry," I stepped aside and he walked past with his head down. I watched him for a minute then blurted out to him, "You wanna have lunch with me today?" He stopped dead in his tracks, I held my breath.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah of course I'm serious," I exhaled, "wanna have lunch with me?" He turned around and looked at me bewildered. That made me nervous. Why was I nervous I had just met this kid.

"I would very much enjoy accompanying you to lunch." I smiled so big I thought my face would crack, "Awesome see you later!" He nodded, "Yes I will see you later." He turned and walked away from me.

I fist pumped the air and walked out of the building. I don't know what it was about Castiel but he made me feel weird in all the right ways. What the fuck was happening to me?


	3. Castiel

I didn't pay attention in my classes. I was too busy thinking about lunch. Dean Winchester, the Dean Winchester, had invited me to lunch with him. Things like that don't happen every day.

It seemed like forever but lunch hour was finally here. I lingered behind everyone else. I was starting to get nervous. What if Dean changed his mind and decided he didn't want to be seen with me? I swallowed a lump that had started to form in my throat. 'Freak.' The voice was back. I shook my head trying to ignore it. No I was going to have lunch with Dean and I was not going to chicken out.

As I approached the lunch room I looked for Dean. He had never said where exactly to meet at so I just stood where I was and tried to find him. When I managed to spot him I wished I hadn't seen him at all.

He was sitting at a table with his friends. There was a redheaded girl with a cute child like face, next to her there was a guy who had a mullet and dressed like he just walked out of the 80's, then there was a pretty blond girl who looked a little too preppy to be hanging out with mullet man. Next to her there was another guy with brown hair and some stubble he looked like a dork and that was the only way to describe him. Across from him there was another guy with messy brown hair and a kind look to his face. But the thing that really got me was Dean.

Dean was sitting at the table with a dark skinned girl in his lap, and the way she was kissing him made it look like she was trying to eat his face.

I don't know why it bothered me so much. I had just met Dean that morning. And seriously look at the guy. He was like something out of fan fiction. He was too hot to be single and the chances of him being gay were astronomical.

I knew this. I knew I had no chance with Dean Winchester. He was perfect, so why did it hurt so much to see him sucking face with that girl? Why did I feel like I was being stabbed in the chest mercilessly? Why did I care?

My brain was a jumbled mess of confused questions and a voice telling me degrading hateful things. I walked away from the lunch room with a strange pain in my chest.

'Did you really think he would like you? You just met him! You're such a moron. Freak. Why would he ever like someone like you? Look at yourself! What do you have to offer a hottie like him? You're scarred and broken. Practically worthless.'

On instinct I had ended up in the boys bathroom as the voice berated me. I ducked into the first open stall and got my matchbox out of my bag. I opened the box and took out the razor that was inside. I quickly rolled up my left arm sleeve. Looking at the cuts from this morning I decided I didn't want it to look too suspicious. I pulled the sleeve back down and pulled my shirt up instead, exposing my stomach.

There were three or four cuts there that were still healing. I didn't even hesitate, I pressed the razor to the exposed skin and cut. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

The door to the bathroom opened. It was probably a good thing it did, I wasn't sure if I would have stopped. 

The voice was silent again and that was all that really mattered. I still had that strange feeling of....betrayal? But at least I could just shove that aside. I had always been good at hiding my feelings.

I looked down at all the blood on my abdomen and grabbed some toilet paper to clean it up with. I waited until all the blood had completely stopped before putting my razor away and leaving the stall. I didn't want the blood to stain my white shirt.

Lunch was over I assumed considering how many people were in the hallways now. I ignored my protesting stomach as it growled at me and went straight to my next class. I didn't need to eat lunch. I hadn't had lunch yesterday either. No big deal. I usually didn't eat lunch so no harm there.

My next class was Math. I didn't mind math all that much. Some people despised it but it was simple enough for me. I walked into the classroom and sat in my normal desk, back row seat closest to the window. The bell rang and class began.

10 minutes into the lesson the classroom door swung open. I hadn't been paying attention to the lesson so I didn't even notice when the teacher stopped talking. I was too busy staring out the window, watching the clouds dance across the sky.

"Ah Mr. Winchester how wonderful of you to grace us with your presence today." I looked up when I heard Dean's last name. Shit.

He smirked at the teacher, "Well I was feeling particularly generous today so I thought I'd come and share some of my sexiness with your boring class." He winked at the teacher, Mr. P-something?

"Please just take a seat."

"Where do you want me to take it?"

"Just sit down Dean." He smirked again, "Whatever you say Mr. Padlock key." Padalecki. That was his name. 

"Its Mr. Padalecki. Now please pay attention." Dean looked around the room trying to find an open seat. He smiled when he saw me, and smiled even bigger when he saw there was an empty seat next to me.

Shit. He sat in the seat next to mine and smiled at me. I gave him a nod in return and continued gazing out the window.

A crumpled up piece of paper on my desk broke through my reveire. I looked down at the paper then slowly uncrumpled it. There was one word written on it in sloppy handwriting, 'hi'

I looked up and saw Dean watching me. Assuming the note was from him I wrote back, 'Greetings.' I folded the paper neatly and placed it on Dean's desk.

He opened it, read it, wrote something back, and slid it onto my desk. I picked it up, and opened it. 'I missed you at lunch. Where were you?' I wrote, 'I could not find you.' And gave it back to Dean.

'So where were you?'

'I had lunch in the library. It gave me time to catch up on my studies.'

'Oh. Are you gonna eat with me tomorrow?'

'I am not entirely sure. What about your friends?'

'My friends would love you Cas.'

'I doubt that.'

'Why would you say that?'

'Nobody likes me Dean. Or did you fail to notice the lack of help this morning while I was being kicked in the hallway?'

'I like you.'

'You don't know me.'

'I want to.'

'Why?'

'You seem like a really cool guy.'

'I am not.'

'I'm sure you are. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.'

'Pay attention to the lesson.'

Dean wrote something back and put the note on my desk. I ignored it and returned my attention to the window. 

The bell ringing brought me back to the present. I started to pack up my things and head to my next class. 

"Mr. Winchester, Mr. Novak, I need to speak with you please." Great now I was in trouble. I walked up to Mr. Padalecki's desk, Dean stood next to me.

"Is this gonna take long Mr. Padlock key? I have a history test to skip next period." Mr. Padalecki glared at Dean, "It's Padalecki and this shouldn't take too long. I just wanted to speak to you both about your grades." I gulped prepared for the worst.

"Castiel your scores are flawless. You are excelling in my class. Keep up the good work. Dean, I won't even sugar coat it, you suck. You are failing my class." Dean scoffed, "OK I'm not sure why blue eyes here had to know that."

"Because Dean I want him to tutor you." I looked at Mr. Padalecki like he was stoned, "Me sir? I can not tutor him." Mr.Padalecki raised an eyebrow and Dean looked at me offended. "Why can't you tutor him Castiel?"

"I do not have the time. I am extremely busy with the rest of my school work."

"Its just like studying Castiel. You and Dean will meet at least once a week and just help each other study. He needs to pass this class to graduate and frankly if you don't help him I'll take points away from your grade." I stared at my teacher wide eyed, was he blackmailing me? "Sir,"

"Its only for a little while Castiel. Plus you are the best in my class." Dean cleared his throat, "I'm still standing right here you know. Some consultation on my part would be nice!" I nodded hesitantly, "Yes sir." 

Dean groaned and left the room, obviously pissed about something.

"Thank you Castiel." Mr. Padalecki smiled at me. I gave him a quick smile in return and left to go to my English class. Damn if I couldn't get away from Dean fucking Winchester.


	4. Dean

I stormed out of the Math classroom. Who the hell did that teacher think he was? I didn't need a tutor, I wasn't stupid I just didn't give two fucks about passing his stupid math class.

Although the thought of spending time with Castiel made my insides feel funny. 'What the fuck Dean? You don't get funny feelings about guys. You like girls, that's it.' I shook my head 'I don't like guys.'

"Um excuse me Dean." I turned around and came face to face with electric blue eyes. "Castiel," my heart was hammering 'Seriously stop it Dean.'

"What do you want?" Castiel looked at the floor, "I am sorry about what happened in math class. I do not think that you need a tutor."

"Well that makes two of us," ouch that came out a little more dicky then I had intended.

"Right," Castiel bit his lip, 'Goddamn it he's cute. Dean no bad Dean.' "Anyways, Mr. Padalecki wanted me to tell you that he expects you to get the help regardless of what I think. So on that note we should probably meet in the library after school. It would be the best place to get our work done."

"Yeah sure fine. See you then." I turned and walked away from Castiel. Damn my stupid hormonal body and it's attraction to everyone. I didn't like boys, I'm Dean Winchester! And Dean Winchester doesn't like boys, right? 

The rest of the day went by in a blur. I spent most of it outside the school building making out with Cassie.

"You seem distracted today," she commented as she was trailing kisses down my neck.

"No more than usual babe," I responded and allowed my mind to wander. What the hell was going on with me? What was it about Castiel that made my insides go crazy? I didn't like guys. I mean there was that one time I got drunk at a party and had sex with some random guy but that was nothing. I was drunk. It didn't mean anything right?

"Babe," Cassie's voice broke my train of thought, "School is over. You wanna go finish this at my house?" I shook my head,"Can't I have to go meet up with my tutor."

"A tutor? Really? You?"

"Yep I don't have a choice. Either I get tutored in math or I fail the class. And I have to pass to graduate." Cassie whined and reluctantly let me go.

"Call me when you get done."

"I will," I gave her a quick peck on the lips and headed back into the school. I walked straight to the library. I didn't stop to get my book or my homework. 'Let's see how long this lasts till he won't want to tutor me anymore' I had more important things to do with my day, like practice for our gig next week, or have sex with Cassie.

When I walked into the library it was quiet and almost completely empty. I looked around the room until I spotted Castiel sitting at a table in the corner, his head down. I sauntered over to the table and sat in the chair across from his.

"So Castiel, let's get this over with so I can go get laid." Castiel visably cringed and continued to stare down at his book. Shit. "I was just teasing you Cas. Lighten up a little bit."

"What did you say?" He looked up at me with a curious expression.

"What? Lighten up?" He shook his head, "No before that you called me..."

"What? Cas? Its just a nickname dude. Castiel is kind of a mouthful."

"Oh. I have never had a nickname. I kinda like it." His lips turned up slightly at the corners but it was gone as quick as it had come.

I cleared my throat suddenly nervous, "So anyways what are we supposed to do here?" Cas shut his book and looked me in the eyes. His gaze was intense and I could feel butterflies in my stomach. 'Really Dean? Butterflies? You are not a girl and you do not like guys. You are not gay.' I raked my eyes over Cas blatantly checking him out. He blushed furiously and looked at the table. 'But maybe I could go gay for this guy.'

"Um, we need to just uh, I don't know." He was flustered. All I had to do was eyeball him and he completely lost control.

"Are we supposed to do homework or what?"

"Uh yes we, I am supposed to help you with your math homework so that you will pass." I yawned, "Sounds boring as fuck. I never do homework. Tell you what why don't you do the work and I'll just copy it before class tomorrow. That way I can go get laid and you can do whatever it is nerds do after school." I was being a dick but I didn't care. The way that Cas made me feel scared me and my best defenses against feelings were either, running, or being a dick.

Cas looked utterly hurt by my statement and it made me want to apologize.

"Right well I will do the homework and leave a copy of it in your locker tomorrow morning. That way you can go get laid and I can go do my nerd stuff." He shoved his books in his bag and quickly got up and left.

I smacked myself in the face. 'Way to go Winchester now he really thinks that you're a dick.' I groaned and stood up to leave. Something by Cas' chair caught my eye so I walked over to pick it up.

It was a pendant. Not very big maybe as big as a nickel. It was round and on the front it had some weird writing that I didn't recognize, on the back it said, "God please protect me." I put the pendant in my pocket. I would give it to Cas tomorrow, I'm sure that it belongs to him. I would make sure to apologize too.


	5. Castiel

Dean yawned, "Tell you what why don't you do the work and I'll just copy it before class tomorrow. That way I can go get laid and you can do whatever it is nerds do after school."

I looked at Dean hurt and confused. Just a few hours ago he was inviting me to eat lunch with him and passing me notes in math. Now he was being a giant douche. I was so hurt I was sure it was evident on my face.

"Right," I tried to put on a face, I had always been good at wearing faces, "well I will do the homework and leave a copy of it in your locker tomorrow morning. That way you can go get laid and I can go do my nerd stuff." I stood up and shoved my things in my bag. I didn't care whether it was neat or not I just needed to leave before I started crying. I turned and left without another word.

'Ffffrrrreeeeeaaaaaakkkkkkk' the voice called 'Not fucking now,' I thought and angrily left the school building.

What was Dean's problem anyways? I know he doesn't want to be tutored but that's not my fault. If the lazy bastard would do his work we wouldn't be in this mess. How was I supposed to help him if he was going to be a dick?

I tried to hate him. I tried not to think about his gorgeous eyes or his perfect lips, or his perfect face. I shook the thoughts from my head remembering the girl eating Dean's face for lunch.

I kept walking away from everything. I just didn't know what to do. Dean Winchester confused me and I didn't like it.

Finally I was outside my house, taking a deep breath I walked through the door.

"Father? I am home." No reply. That was either really good or really bad. I entered the house and shut the door behind me.

"Castiel? Is that you?" Fuck. "Yes sir." My father stepped into the entryway, "Where were you Castiel?"

"I was at school father. It takes some time for me to walk home."

"Do not lie to me Castiel."

"I am not lying father." I looked at the ground and braced myself. I knew what was next.

"You liar. How can you lie to me like that? You're so worthless. You've always been worthless. I can't do a thing with you. You disgrace me and the family name. You're a coward you can't even look me in the eye! Some days I really wish that car crash would've killed you instead of your mother. At least she had something to offer the world. You're nothing."

I stayed silent trying so hard to keep my tears from falling.

"You disgust me. Go to your room I don't want to see you the rest of the night."

"Yes sir," I quietly replied and quickly retreated to my room.

Once the door was shut I let it all out. All the tears and the sobs. All of it.

I collapsed onto the floor a sobbing mess. The voice was whispering to me again. Repeating all the things my father had said to me.

I couldn't take it. I grabbed my backpack and got out the matchbox.

I pulled up my left arm sleeve. Who gave a fuck if I cut here again? Nobody noticed anyways. Little Castiel the friendless queer. Nobody cared. Nobody loved me.

I pressed the blade to my skin and cut in long, angry, pain filled strokes. I didn't care anymore. Nobody cared so neither did I.

There was a lot of blood but I didn't care. This time was it. This time I was going to cut and I wasn't going to stop until I was dead.

A kncok at the door broke my concentration.

"Castiel," a timid voice called, "Are you in here?" Shit. I knew who that voice belonged to.

"Yeah just give me a minute Anna." I walked over to my desk and pulled the first aid kit out of the bottom drawer. I bandaged my arm up so that the bleeding would stop.

Once I had the bandage secured I pulled my sleeve back down and put the razor back in its box. I put the box back in its place and opened the door.

"Castiel are you OK?" Anna asked as soon as the door opened. Her blue eyes shone with worry.

"Yes I am fine Anna. Thank you for asking. What brings you here today?" She shook her head and her red hair swayed with the motion, "Just came to check on you Castiel that's all." I tried for a smile, "Well that is very kind of you to do Anna but really I am fine."

"You know you can talk to me Castiel. I may be your little cousin but that doesn't mean I don't care." I nodded, "I know Anna I do. I am just extremely busy with homework and don't have much time to talk today." She looked at me a little suspiciously but didn't pester, "Alright. Call me if you need to talk OK?"

"Of course I will. Good day Anna."

"Good bye Castiel." I shut my door and listened to the sounds of her footsteps heading down the hallway.  
Once she was gone I walked over to my desk and started my homework. I lived to suffer through another day.

It was late by the time I got finished and I knew my father would not want me to come to dinner. I opened my middle desk drawer and ate some of the crackers I had stashed there. Once I felt my need for food somewhat satisfied I got ready for bed.

I took my shirt off and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. There were so many angry red marks on my skin that I cringed. Reminders of how pathetic and useless I was.

I turned away from the mirror and finished changing into my Pajama's. I carefully buttoned the top trying not to touch the cuts on my abdomen.

Once dressed in my PJs I knelt by the side of my bed. Despite my father being a hypocrite and only acting christian on Sundays I actually believed that there was a God. I also believed he was punishing me for some unknown higher purpose.

"Dear God," I prayed, "I pray that you will watch over the sick and the elderly. I pray that you will protect them and help them heal. I pray you would take care of the young children. I pray you would grant their parents wisdom in raising them. I pray you would have compassion on the sinners and the unrighteous. I pray you would forgive them for they are confused and seeking love. I pray you would forgive Metatron for what he does to me. He just didn't get enough love as a small child. I pray you would be with Dean Winchester. Help him to understand That treating people like garbage doesn't make them like you. I pray you would help him to be in a better mood tomorrow during our tutoring session. I pray you would allow him to swallow his pride and accept my help. I also pray that you would see fit to end my punishment. I am not sure what I have done to invoke your wrath but I pray that you would find the compassion to forgive me. Help my father to have more faith and help me to keep mine. Я славлю тебя, и я люблю тебя. Amen." 

I climbed into my bed and lay down on my back, staring at the ceiling. "Good night mother. я люблю тебя." I reached up to touch my pendant. But it wasn't there. I quickly jumped out of bed and turned the light on. I tore my room apart trying to find it but it was gone. I laid down on my bed and cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up again it was time to get ready for school. Today was not going to be pleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Я славлю тебя, и я люблю тебя is Russian it means I praise you and I love you.  
> я люблю тебя is Russian meaning I love you.


	6. Dean

"Dean! Dean! Dean! Dean! Dean!" I opened my eyes and looked at my alarm clock. 7:20. Shit.

"Sammy shut up!" I threw my pillow at the door.

"Ddddeeeeeeaaaaaannnnnnnnnn," Sam whined, "Get up or I'm gonna be late!"

"I'm up I'm up! Just give me a minute to put clothes on OK?"

"Hurry up we leave in five minutes!"

"Bitch!"

"Jerk!" I listened to Sam's footsteps fade down the hallway. Slowly I dragged myself out of bed. Damn last night was weird.

I had gone over to Cassie's house after my tutoring session with Cas.

"Dean," Cassie smirked as she opened the door, "thought you had a study date?"

"Eh, I cancelled it. I had more important people to do." She chuckled, "Don't you mean things?" I pulled her towards me, "I meant what I said." Soon enough we were up in Cassie's room working off all that sexual tension we had created at school.

As I was getting close to my climax I looked down and saw a pair of unreal blue eyes. 'Cassie doesn't have blue eyes' I blinked and they were brown again. I shook my head and kept thrusting.

"Oh god Dean I'm so close!" I smirked and ran my hand through her short dark hair. 'Wait what Cassie doesn't have short hair. Its long and curly.' I tugged and it was Cassie's hair, long and curly.

"Dean!" Cassie screamed as she hit her climax. I held out a little longer then I came, "Cas!" I collapsed on top of Cassie. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"You've never called me that before." I looked up at her, "Never called you what?"

"Cas," she sighed, "usually you call me Cassie during sex. But today you called me Cas." I paled and licked my lips. Oh fuck. She didn't say anything else about it. She just held me and fell asleep. Once she had passed out I got dressed and left.

I ran my hands through my hair. 'What the fuck is going on with you Dean?' I wished I had the answers for myself.

I stood in front of my closet debating on what to wear. Deciding I really didn't give a fuck I put on an old AC/DC band shirt, the jeans I wore yesterday, my boots, and my leather jacket.

Sam was already waiting for me so I skipped breakfast. I had overslept.

I walked out to my baby. The 1967 Chevy impala that my dad gave me when I turned 16. Damn I loved that car.

"Get in hurry up!" Sam was sitting in the front waiting for me. The dorky little kid was almost taller than me, his hair could be cut a little shorter so it would stop falling in his eyes, but he had a smile that could melt glass.

"OK sorry I overslept." I got in and we headed to the middle school.

"Did you get your homework done?" Sam groaned, "Come on Dean. I'm not a little kid anymore. You know I did my homework." I shrugged, "Just gotta make sure man. You gotta get good grades so you don't end up a bum like me."

"Dean you're not a bum, you're a jerk."

"Shut up bitch."

I dropped Sam off at the middle school making sure he was in the building before I drove off. The rest of my drive was spent blaring Metallica from my stereo.

I pulled into the high school parking lot and killed the engine. I could see Cassie and my friends waiting for me at our usual spot. I got out and walked over to them.

"Hey you," I tried to kiss Cassie but she pulled away, "Oh so it's a frisky day huh?"

"No its a 'don't touch me what the fuck happened last night' kind of day." I swallowed, "What do you mean?" 

"I mean why did you call me Cas during sex and then leave me like some one night stand? I thought we were in a real relationship Dean!"

"Well you know me Cassie, a man in a band, I can't be tied down." She slapped me, "Fuck you Dean!" 

"You offering?" She slapped me again, "Don't call me ever again Dean Winchester." I smirked, "Believe me princess I won't." She stormed away from me with tears in her eyes.

"Wow I say we have a new record folks."

"Shut up Jo."

"Ha ha Chuck you owe me twenty bucks!" Ash laughed. 

"Well how does that work? Did she break up with him or did he break up with her?" Chuck sracthed his head in confusion.

"She broke up with him Chuck," Charlie explained, "that's what don't call me means."

"Oh right, I guess I do owe you twenty bucks Ash."

"You know what, Fuck you guys," I turned and went into the building. My friends working out the details of their bet. I strode through the hallway towards my locker. Maybe I would actually go to class this morning.

Once again Metatron was in the hallway harassing Cas. And once again nobody was doing anything about it.

"Fucking queer!" Metatron yelled shoving the poor kid into the lockers. I watched as Metatron snarled something into Cas' ear, punched him in the stomach, then walked away.

Cas slid down the wall holding his stomach. The bell rang and everyone was gone. Everyone but me and Cas.

"Hey Cas," I walked over to him, "Cas are you OK?" He looked up at me then slowly stood to his feet. He reached into his bag and pulled out a piece of paper.

"Here, I finished your homework. Because that's what we nerds do." He shoved the paper into my chest and quickly ran to the bathroom.

"Fuck," I cursed and followed Cas into the bathroom. 

"Cas?" I looked around and found him sitting against the wall with his knees to his chest and his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking.

"Cas?" I walked up and tentatively sat down next to him. He didn't even move. "Hey Cas look. I want to apologize for yesterday. I was being a mountain of dicks and I'm sorry. I just had a lot on my mind." 'A lot about you. Shut up Dean.' I cleared my throat, "So anyways I'm sorry."

He looked up at me with those blue eyes, "Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious. Why would I lie about being sorry? Especially to you? I thought we were friends?"  
"We're friends?" He questioned. "Yeah of course we are why else would I follow you into a bathroom and have some girly chick flick moment with you?" He shrugged, "To rape me?"

"Ha ha smartass." I gently nudged his shoulder and he slightly smiled. Then a thought occurred to me, "Hey Cas. Did you maybe lose some Christian thing yesterday?" He looked at me, "Did you find my pendant?" His voice was full of desperation.

"Um I think so hold on." I reached into my jacket pocket hoping the trinket was still there. It was and I breathed a sigh of relief. "Is this it?" I pulled my hand out and showed him the small item.

Tears sprang from his eyes, "Yes it is." He picked it up very carefully and held it in his palm, "thank you Dean."

"Uh you're welcome" he clasped his hand tightly around the object and unclasped a chain that was around his neck. Ever so carefully he slid the chain through the loop of metal connected to the pendant. Then clasped the chain back around his neck. He gingerly touched the pendant that was laying on his chest and smiled. Like a real smile.

"Um if you don't mind my asking, what's up with the necklace? Like what does it even say?" Cas tucked the necklace under his hoodie and stood, "I'll tell you some other time."

"How about at lunch?" He shook his head, "Too many people around. I do not want every one to know." 

"How about after school? During our lesson?" Cas looked me over and I didn't like the feeling it gave me. I got off the floor and stared into the gorgeous eyes.

"Perhaps," he hesitated, "friend?" I placed a hand on his shoulder, "Yeah. Friends."


	7. Castiel

It had been a week since I was given the task of aiding Dean Winchester with his studies. During the past week I had grown to consider Dean my friend. We spent a lot of time together after school working on math and sometimes other subjects. Sometimes he even ate lunch with me, since I wouldn't eat lunch with his friends .

Today was one of those days that Dean and I were having lunch together. We were sitting on the bleachers by the track field. I was reading a book and Dean was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Dude Cas how come you never eat lunch?" I stopped reading and looked at Dean.

"Why does it matter?" He shrugged, "Just curious. Most people eat lunch every day or at least every other day. But I never see you having anything for lunch. Why? Don't your parents pack you a lunch or something?"

"Dean I am a senior in high school. My parents do not make me lunches anymore. Besides I have lunch sometimes I just usually have a big breakfast so I'm not hungry at lunch time." That was a lie but Dean didn't need to know that.

"My mom still packs my lunch."

"That's very sweet of her." I returned my attention to my book. Dean sat there not saying anything for a while. Then he sighed, "I'm pretty sure its not healthy to skip lunch, even if you did have a big breakfast. Hey." I looked up from my book, "What?" Dean extended half his sandwich towards me, "Here have half. I still have a bag of chips in there anyway. Plus, I can hear your stomach growling from over here and it's driving me crazy."

"There is no way for me to reject this sandwich is there?"

"No, there isn't. Now take the sandwich and eat up." I groaned but took the sandwich. Dean smirked triumphantly as I took a bite. I glared at him and returned to reading my book.

"So how come your mom doesn't make you a lunch?" I sighed, "I told you I am a senior in high school. I am more than capable of making my own lunches."

"That's not what I asked Cas. I asked why your mom doesn't do it. Are your parents divorced or something?" I placed my bookmark on my book and slammed it shut. Dean blinked in surprise.

"That's really none of your business Dean."

"Hey you don't have get all defensive Cas. I just wanted to know a little bit about your family. I mean you know all about mine but you never talk about yours. Ever. I'm just curious is all."

"Well get uncurious Dean because I am not talking about my family."

"Why not? Is there some big secret you don't want me to know? Are you afraid that I'm gonna judge you or some stupid shit like that? Cause that's bullshit and you know it."

"No, I just do not feel like it is any of your business what my family is like. I did not ask you to share your family information with me."

"No I just shared it with you because that's what friends do Cas. They trust each other. They tell each other things. They get to know each other. That's the whole fucking point of trying to make friends with people, to get to know them."

"Well I apologize for disrupting your ideals on friendships, but if I remember correctly we were not obligated to become friends. I was simply instructed to tutor you in math. Becoming friends was an idea you forced upon me. I did not ask you to be my friend."

"No you didn't ask because you're a pompous dick. I decided that you were pretty interesting and wanted to become friends with you because that's how it fucking works Cas. You find someone you think might be worth your time and you befriend them. That's the whole point. I don't understand why the fuck you're getting so defensive over nothing."

"I do not understand why you are so determined to learn about my personal life. It is none of your business, so drop it."

"Why? Why won't you just trust me?"

"This conversation is finished." I stood and grabbed my back pack, "I will see you after school for our lesson." I walked down the bleachers towards the school.

"Cas! Goddammit!" Dean placed a hand on my shoulder and spun me around to face him.

"Let go of me Dean."

"No listen to me Cas. What the fuck is your problem? I am seriously trying to be your friend and you keep blowing me off like this. Every time I ask you something personal you shut down and walk away. Stop walking away from me. I just want to be your friend."

"Nobody wants to be my friend Dean. Now let go of me, lunch will be over soon." Dean stared at me, dozens of emotions swirling in those beautiful green eyes.

"Cas," I yanked out of his hold, "I'll see you after school." I headed towards the school.

"Like fuck you will! I don't need your stupid 'I'm better than you' self righteous attitude. If you want to be a dick then go fuck yourself! I'm done being nice to you. Bastard." I ignored Dean and walked into the school building. So what if he didn't come after school? That wasn't my problem. He would get the F, not me, so why did I care so much?

I shook my head, choosing to ignore those odd thoughts that continually plauge me. If Dean didn't show up, I wouldn't care.


	8. Dean

Who the fuck did Cas think he was? I was trying to be friendly. I actually wanted to be his friend and he was going to be an asshole like that? Well fuck you too buddy!

I watched Cas walk into the school and scoffed.

"Fuck you too Cas." I turned away from the building and walked back towards the bleachers. If he wanted to be a dick that wasn't my problem.

I listened to the bell ring and did nothing. Fuck school, I hate it here anyways.

"Hey," I jumped at the unexpected voice.

"Jesus fucking Christ Charlie don't scare me like that." The red head blushed a little bit, "Sorry Dean I didn't even think about it."

"Its OK Charlie. What do you need?"

"I just came to check on you. You don't eat lunch with us as often as you used to and we kinda miss you."

"Oh, sorry I've been having lunch with Cas lately." She raised a brow, "Really? Cas as in Castiel Novak? Your tutor?"

"Yes that would be him."

"Wow, OK. Well cool then I'll just let everyone else know that and I'll see you later."

"Wait," I jumped off the bleachers and stopped her as she turned to leave, "why is that such a surprise to you? I mean the fact that I would have lunch with Cas-er-Castiel. I can have friends outside our clique can't I?"

"Of course you can. I just didn't think that it would be Castiel Novak that's all." I raised a brow, "What's wrong with being friends with Castiel?" Charlie raised her hands defensively, "Nothing. That kid needs some friends. I just never thought it would be you. You two are so different. But I'm glad that you are trying to be his friend Dean. That's really good of you to do."

"Don't get used to it." She smiled, "Of course not. Anyways I have to get to class now. I told the teacher that I lost my last tampon somewhere in the hallway so he gave me fifteen minutes to find it." I smiled, "You never cease to amaze me Charlie."

"What can I say, I'm just awesome like that." She smiled at me then headed back to the school. I shook my head with a smile on my face that girl really is something else.

I returned to my spot on the bleachers and sat there. I really didn't feel like going to any of my classes. So I took a nap.

When I woke up school was over. There were kids pouring out of the building heading each and every direction. 

I strechted and looked at my watch. My lesson was supposed to start five minutes ago. Oops. Maybe I should go still. It would be really jerkish if I skipped. But Cas was an ass. That doesn't mean you skip. You need to pass math to graduate.

Losing the battle with myself I jumped down from the bleachers and made my way towards the school. Halfway to the school building I hear my name.

"Hey Dean!" I turn around and see a short blond running toward me.

"Uh yes?" The girl stopped in front of me and smiled, "Hi I'm Angela."

"Hi." She giggled, "So I heard that you and Cassie broke up a while back."

"Uh yeah."

"Are you still single?" She started walking closer to me. For every step she took towards me I took a step back. Until my back hit the wall.

"Cause I could fix that." I gulped as her hands ran up my chest and hooked around my neck. She smirked seductively and pulled me towards her lips. As our lips met the image of Cas flashed in my mind. I was supposed to be at my lesson. I pulled back.

"You know as much fun as that sounds I have somewhere I need to be." I gently tried to push her away but she gripped me tighter. I let out a nervous chuckle, "Seriously I really have somewhere to be. I'm meeting up with a friend and I'm already late."

"Well then you can be a little later can't you?" I pressed myself against the wall in fear. I had never been so dominated before. I didn't like it.

Angela grinned and started to kiss me hungrily. I tried to pull back but she wouldn't let go. I could feel her hand wandering down to my crotch and that's when I lost it. Dean Winchester did not get felt up and raped. 

I shoved her as hard as I could without hurting her. Unfortunately my bottom lip was in her teeth when I shoved. She stumbled back and her teeth tore my lip.

"Ow fuck! Son of a bitch!" I touched my lip with my hand and pulled back. I was bleeding.

"What you don't like it rough?" Angela asked shyly.

"No I don't like being fucking raped is what I don't fucking like!" I glared at her but she didn't back down.

"Maybe some other time Deanie," she winked at me then walked away. What the fuck! I touched my lip again. There was quite a bit of blood. Pissed as hell I went into the school to the nurses office.

"Dean Winchester," the nurse said, "I'm a bit surprised to see you here. Although I'm not surprised that you look like you've been fighting again."

"No no I actually wasn't fighting, this time." The nurse chuckled, "So how did it happen?" I cringed, "Long story."

"I've got time," she smiled.

"Maybe some other time." I sat down on the edge of the exam table and let her look at my lip.

"That's a good one Deaner." She sighed, "Give me a minute to get my things and I'll have you fixed up in no time." She turned and went to the sink cabinet. She opened it and grabbed a first aid kit.

She came back to where I was bringing the kit with her. Gently she dabbed an alcohol swab on my wound.  
I cringed, "That stings."

"Shhh. Don't talk I need to clean your cut." She dabbed at the cut again and I let out a hiss of pain. "Don't be such a baby deaner I'm almost done." She threw away the swab and looked at the clean cut.

"Well its not as bad as it looked. But I'm gonna put a band aid on this part here to keep it from getting infected. And you need to be careful not to get food in the cut that's on your actual lip. Otherwise that could lead to an infection." She put a band aid on the cut underneath my lip.

"There all finished." I smiled a little at her, "Thanks."

"Just don't get in any more fightsfights or whatever lead to that injury." I nodded and left the nurses office. I looked at my watch to check the time again. I was now twenty minutes late to my tutoring session. Cas was gonna kill me.


	9. Castiel

I looked at my watch. Dean was already 5 minutes late. I was growing impatient.

"Where are you Dean?" I drummed my fingers on the table feeling my irritation rising. If he didn't take this seriously I wasn't going to help him anymore.

I waited for five more minutes before deciding that Dean wasn't going to show up. I gathered my books and papers and put them in my back pack. Then I got up and headed towards the library exit. I don't care that Dean had blown me off. I don't care. I don't.

I sighed and debated on whether I should go home or not.

"Hey freak!" Damn. I kept walking. I didn't want to deal with Metatron today. Unfortunately he was the quarterback of the football team and could move much faster than I could.

"Hey," I felt Metatron's hands grab my shoulder and then I was up against the wall, "I was talking to you freak." I stayed silent. What was I supposed to say anyways? I watched as Alastair, Cain, and Naomi came up behind Metatron.

"Oh baby look," Naomi crooned, "you caught a queer." Cain laughed and Alastair just stood there in silence.

"I know babe what should we do with him?"

"I have a couple ideas." Naomi grinned and I prayed to God that he would spare me from whatever diabolical things she had planned.

Turns out God does not listen to my prayers.  
Before I could blink Metatron had dragged me down the hallway and was shoving me in the trash can by the cafeteria.

I groaned, "Could you get any more cliché?"  
"Is that a challenge freak?" Shit. He pulled me out of the trash and shoved me into the wall.

"Do you really wanna see how mean I can be?" I knew the question was rhetorical so I kept my mouth shut. But it was already too late, I had pissed off Metatron.

"Babe," he looked at Naomi, "I need a cigarette." Naomi reached into her purse and pulled out a pack. She pulled out a cigarette and lit it, handing it to Metatron.

"Thank you," he smiled at her then turned back towards me.

"Now your gonna see how mean I can be. Fucking queer." Metatron took a drag off the cigarette, and exhaled the smoke into my face. I coughed, "That's disgusting." 

"You're disgusting you queer." Metatron took another drag and then pressed the tip of the cigarette against my neck. I hissed in pain but couldn't move. He still had me pinned to the wall.

"Does it hurt?" He mocked.

"Don't ask stupid questions," I replied through grit teeth. Metatron sneered and placed the cigarette against my neck again.

I grit my teeth trying not to scream out in pain. The better composed I kept myself the sooner he would leave me alone.

He pulled the cigarette away and took another drag.  
"Let me try baby," Naomi came up and took the cigarette from him. She got really close to my face and took a drag. She held the smoke in and then plugged my nose.  
I was confused but I couldn't breathe. My need for air outweighed my confusion so I opened my mouth to take a breath.

Naomi quickly placed her mouth over mine and blew all the cigarette smoke in.

I coughed. The smoke tasted disgusting and I felt like I was going to throw up. Naomi laughed and pressed the cigarette against my neck for the third time. I couldn't stop the cry of pain that escaped my lips. It hurt so bad. The louder I cried the harder she pressed it into my skin.

Tears were streaming down my face by the time she pulled the butt away. She threw it on the ground and backed away from me. Metatron grinned at her, "Not bad babe." She smiled, "Thanks babe."

Metatron reached up and pressed his finger against one of the burns. I grimaced and more tears fell.

"Don't ever challenge me again. Because I can do far worse than this I promise you that." He pushed into the burn really hard eliciting a shout of pain from me.

"Why do you hate me?" I cried, tears still falling.

"Because you're a fucking queer. And people like you disgust me." He shoved me against the wall one last time, then he put his arm around Naomi and they walked away. Cain and Alistair following close behind. I reached up and gingerly touched my neck. There were three burns all close together in a triangular shape. I hissed in pain as my fingers made contact with the burns. Not able to control it anymore I started to sob.

The voice was screaming vile things at me and I could hardly hear over it. I sat there sobbing trying to fight off the voice and what it was telling me to do. I didn't last long though and soon I was fleeing to the bathroom.  
Once the door shut I got my blade out. My arm was still healing from my attempted suicide last week so I lifted up my shirt and slashed at my stomach. It hurt, the blade running angrily across my skin. It left pain, anger, sadness, worthlessness, regret, everything , everything I felt was left in that cut. Seeping into my skin, intensifying my self loathing.

I sobbed. Everytime the blade ran across my skin I felt a little less. It felt so good to not feel at all. To just be numb. I didn't even know how many times I had cut before I heard the door open.

"Cas?" Shit! Fuck! Damn it! Dean came into the bathroom and froze. He stared at me eyes wide with shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I had never been caught before.

Dean didn't say anything. He just stood there with this look of utter disbelief on his face. Finally I broke the silence, "What? Haven't you ever seen anyone cut them self before?" Dean looked at me mouth agape and shook his head.

"Cas," he shook his head like he didn't know what to say. I stood there challenging him. Daring him to say something. He didn't say anything else. He just turned and left. I stood there and stared at the door, waiting for him to come back in. He didn't and the feeling that left in my chest was worse than a thousand cigarette burns.

I put my blade away, cleaned the blood off my stomach, counted my new cuts(there were 7), and stared at myself in the mirror. I could see the cigarette burns on my neck. Two of them looked like minor second degree burns but the third was almost a third degree burn. I wet down a paper towel and dabbed some cold water on the stinging burns. I hissed in pain as the paper towel made contact with my skin.

More tears welled in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't.

The image of Dean's face popped into my mind. The look of complete shock, disbelief, but mostly the sadness and disappointment. I cried at the thought. Tears running down my face, leaving a salty wet trail. I hid my face in my hands and cried. Every emotion I felt was leaving my body in those tears. I knew the school would be closing soon but I didn't care. I collapsed on the floor sobbing. I couldn't hold anything in anymore. Dean had broken my dam of emotions. I curled into a ball and sobbed.

Mr. Padalecki found me on the floor sobbing.

"Castiel is everything all right?" I nodded, "Yes I just, I don't know what happened really I just started crying."  
"Are you sure?"

"Yes sir, I just I don't know." He nodded but the look on his face told me he wasn't convinced.

"Well at any rate you need to go home Castiel. The school is going to be locked up soon."

"Right of course my apologies." I stood and grabbed my back pack, "See you tomorrow Mr. Padalecki." I started to leave.

"Castiel." I stopped, "Yes sir?"

"If you wanna talk to somebody about anything I'll be happy to listen. Just keep that in mind." I nodded, "Yes sir. Thank you sir." I waved and walked out of the bathroom.

The entire walk home I couldn't get Dean's look out of my head. He looked so hurt, so shocked, so disappointed. 

I thankfully didn't run into my father when I got home. I walked up to my room, threw my bag on the floor, laid on my bed, and cried.

I fell asleep with tears streaming down my cheeks and the image of Dean's face on my mind.


	10. Dean

After I left the nurses office I went straight to the library. I walked over to the table that Cas and I usually sat at. He wasn't there.

"Damn it. Wait to go Dean," I cursed at myself. Cas was probably home already. I couldn't really blame him for leaving though. I wouldn't have waited for twenty minutes. Especially not after the fight we had.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I just hoped that he'd still help me with my math. I mean I needed to pass this class in order to graduate. Plus I really liked spending time with Cas. He was nice and somewhat funny, and it was adorable how socially awkward he was. Wait. 'Dean guys aren't adorable.' But maybe they are. Or maybe just Cas is.

I shook my head trying to shake my crazy brain back into place.

"Can I help you find anything?" I turned and saw a little blond girl standing next to me.

"Uh yeah actually," I cleared my throat, "have you by chance seen a guy here earlier? He's about 5' 10, dark hair, blue eyes, like bluer than blue eyes. Like the bluest blue in the world blue." 'What the fuck stop it Dean.'

"OK his eyes are blue. That's great. And yes I did see him."

"Where did he go?" The girl shrugged, "I don't know. Last I saw he was getting the shit beat out of him by Metatron."

"Thanks," I said and quickly went back to the hallway. I looked around seeing if I could spot Cas. Hopefully he was still here. Then a thought occurred to me. Where does Cas go every time he's upset about something?  
Turning to go the other direction I walked to the boys bathroom.

"Cas?" I called out as I walked in the bath room. The sight I saw was something I never thought I would walk into.

Cas was standing in the middle of the bathroom with some sort of knife in his hand, and he was slashing it across his stomach. I froze. What could I do? What could I say? I didn't know! I had heard of people who did this but I'd never actually met any one who did. I just stood there staring at Cas. He looked up at me and neither of us said anything, we just stood there stating at each other. He looked so, so, wounded.

"What?" Cas questioned, "haven't you ever seen anyone cut them self before?" I shook my head, "Cas...." I didn't know what to say. I really just didn't know. So I did what I do best. I left. I turned around and left.

I walked out of the school and got in baby and started her up. I tore out of the parking lot and drove to the middle school . Sam was standing outside waiting for me when I pulled up.

"Woah Dean," Sam said as he got in the passenger seat, "what's wrong you look like your gonna be sick. Or cry. Or both."

"What? It's nothing. Don't worry about it Sam." Sam looked skeptical but didn't press the issue.

"Hey can you drop me off at Kevin's house? We're supposed to have a study night tonight." I nodded and drove towards Kevin's house.

"Mom and Dad both know about this study thing this time right?" Sam groaned, "Come on Dean! That was one time! And it wasn't my fault! I told Dad that I was going to Kevin's and he said he would tell Mom." I chuckled, "Just giving ya shit Sam."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

I pulled to a stop outside Kevin's house and Sam got out. 

"Do I need to pick you up later or anything?" Sam shook his head, "no I'm staying here overnight and Kevin's mom is gonna take us both to school tomorrow morning." I nodded, "OK just remember no girls Sammy!" Sam stuck his tongue out at me and walked up the steps to Kevin's house.

I watched to make sure Sam made it in the house safely, then I pulled away. The images of what I had caught Cas doing to himself in the bathroom were still burning in my mind. Why would he do that to himself? I mean why would anyone do that to them self?

I was so confused, my thoughts were racing a million miles a minute. I couldn't go home. Not while I had all these thoughts running through my head. I pulled my cell out of my pocket and called my mom.

"Hello? Dean?"

"Hey mom. I'm not coming home tonight."

"Why?" I cleared my throat, "I just need some time to...figure out some things.....that's all."

"What kind of things Dean? Is this about that Cassie girl? She's not pregnant is she?" I groaned, "no mom Cassie and I broke up. Its just school stuff that's bothering me. I just need some space. That's all." I could hear her mulling it over. I held my breath and hoped she would be ok with it.

Finally she sighed, "Alright. Just don't get into any trouble OK?"

"I won't, I promise."

"I'll let dad know that you're having one of your moments." I chuckled a little, "Thanks mom. Love you bye."

"Love you too." I hung up and drove. I didn't know where I was going and I didn't honestly care. All I could think about was Cas slashing that blade across his stomach. And that blood. There was so much blood. And Cas he looked so....broken, so wounded.

I felt a twinge of something in my chest at that thought. Cas' face looked so hurt, like he had finally just given up all hope. It hurt so much to remember how sad and defeated he'd looked.

I turned the radio on and blared the music. Hoping that maybe it would keep me distracted enough, so that I wouldn't think about Cas in that bathroom.

It worked for about 5 minutes. Then all those images came flooding back. Why? Why would Cas hurt himself? And why did it hurt me so much?

I drove for a couple hours until it was dark and I was no longer in any town. I parked baby and got out. What was I supposed to do? Should I try and help Cas? I didn't know anything about people who cut themselves. How could I help Cas?

I ran a hand through my hair. I seriously didn't have any clue what to do. Should I tell someone? Should I confront Cas? Would that make it worse? Would he even talk to me about it? What if I offended him? What if he didn't want to talk to me anymore? How was I supposed to cope with that kind of rejection? Why did that matter so much to me? Cas is just my friend right?

I was so confused and there were so many questions going through my mind that I just screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was angry and hurt and frustrated and confused and I just screamed.

After a while my throat started to hurt a little so I stopped screaming and looked at the ground. I could feel tears running down my face but I didn't know why or when I had started crying.

"Why Cas?" I whispered to the sky, "why would you want to hurt yourself?" I sat on the ground in silence. I couldn't figure out my feelings. Why did this all bother me so much? I mean Cas is my friend and I care about him but I don't know should it hurt me this much? I feel like I felt when my parents had to put my dog down when I was seven. Like the whole world was crashing around me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt weak and helpless. I felt like I was about to lose something that was really important to me. Then it hit me. Did I like Cas?

I mean sure I hadn't been able to think about much other than those fucking blue eyes, and that messy hair that always looked like he had just rolled out of bed. And yeah maybe I had thought about Cas when I was having sex with Cassie. And maybe that had turned me on a little more than it should have. But come on I didn't like guys. That wasn't my thing. Was it? I wasn't so sure anymore.

I had no idea how long I sat outside my car and just thought about everything. Eventually it got a little too cold so I got back in baby and laid across the back seat. I didn't really have any answers to all the questions that were running through my mind and it bothered me. So far all I had figured out was that I might be crushing on Cas and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

I laid there in the backseat still trying to figure everything out. Slowly my eyes started to get heavy and then I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning my back was stiff and my neck hurt. I stretched the best I could and sat up rubbing my eyes. I yawned and looked at the time. It was already 10.

"Well I'm not going to school today." I climbed out of the backseat and stretched before getting back in on the drivers side. I started baby and drove home. I still hadn't figured out what to do with the whole Cas situation and that frustrated me.

When I pulled in the driveway all the cars were gone. Which meant that no one was home. I turned baby off and went inside. I went upstairs to my room and collapsed on my bed. I was so confused and it made me angry. I lay there for a while and just stared at the ceiling hoping I would find some answers written up there. There were none.

Frustrated I got off my bed and walked over to my desk. I took out my notebook and a pencil and just sat there staring at the blank piece of paper. I started to think about Cas and how sad and lonely he must be right now. Suddenly my brain was filled with words and I found my pencil dancing across the page, weaving words into sentences and adding music. When I was done I picked up my guitar and strummed the tune, fixing some words and changing some notes till it sounded just right.  
Finally I felt like it was finished and I started to sing:

Lonely boy walks these crowded halls  
he hides within a hoodie that blends into the walls  
He doesn't want to be seen  
He doesn't want anyone to get close  
He doesn't want them to know

Lonely boy walking on your own  
Lonely boy you want to be alone?  
Lonely boy hide the pain you feel  
Pretending its not real  
Lonely boy I see you

Lonely boy you're broken and you fall  
He dries his eyes and ducks into a bathroom stall  
He doesn't fight all this pain  
He dries His eyes and he cuts again  
He doesn't want them to know

Lonely boy walking on your own  
Lonely boy you want to be alone?  
Lonely boy hide the pain you feel  
Pretending its not real  
Lonely boy I see you

You try to hide in the crowds  
But I will track you down

Lonely boy walking on your own  
Lonely boy you want to be alone.  
Lonely boy hide the pain you feel  
Pretending its not real  
Lonely boy I see you  
I see you  
Lonely boy

I strummed the last notes of the song and set my guitar down. "Wow. That was deep." I looked up and saw Jo standing in my doorway.

"Jo? What are you doing here? How long have you been standing there?" She shrugged, " Long enough to hear that song you wrote. Sounds amazing. Why'd you write it?"

"I-i don't really know. I just had a lot on my mind and this just kinda, happened." Jo walked over and sat down on my bed, "Well I like it. We should play it at our gig this weekend. Give the audience something new. Something...Dean. I think they get tired of the shit Chuck writes." I chuckled, "Yeah Chuck's a good writer but I think he'd be better with writing books not songs."

"Exactly," Jo smiled and pushed her blond hair over her shoulder, "Anywho I just came by to see why you didn't show up today. The guys were a little worried. You wouldn't answer your phone and nobody else knew anything."

"Oh sorry, I just had a lot on my mind and I needed a day to think things over. That's all." She nodded and leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees, "Wanna talk about it?"

"I-i don't know Jo," I sighed, "I'm not sure you can help me." She shrugged, "its worth a shot. What's on your mind Dean?" And just like that I was spilling my guts to her. I told her about Cas and what I had walked in on, I told her about how confused I was and how I wanted to help but didn't know how, I told her about how I couldn't get the guy out of my head and how I know I'm straight but I think I might be attracted to Cas and how that confused me. I told her everything and she just sat and listened not saying anything.

Finally I was done. I looked at Jo waiting for her to speak.

"Wow Dean that's a lot of crazy shit you got going on in your mind right now." I sighed, "Don't remind me."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"I don't know Jo. I really just don't know." I placed my head in my hands and rubbed my eyes.

"Well you could start by talking to Cas."

"About what Jo? What am I supposed to say to him? Just walk up and be like: 'hey Cas I saw you cutting yourself the other day and it was strange so why don't you tell me all about your issues and then I can confess my love for you and we can have a sappy fucking chick flick moment and ride off into the goddamn sunset!'"

"Yeah something like that only a little bit nicer and not so dramatic." I raised my eyebrows at her.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Seriously Jo?"

"Yes Dean. You need to man up and stop running away from all your problems. Its obvious that Castiel is in some kind of pain. Reach out to him. Let him know you care. Be supportive. You're supposed to be his friend Dean so get your head out of your ass and start acting like one." Jo stood and walked to my bedroom door, "Just let him know you care Dean." And with that she left.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Maybe Jo was right. Maybe all I needed to do was talk to Cas about it. That sounded so easy while I was just sitting here but I knew it would be harder to do in person. I got up from my desk and flopped down on my bed. Fuck this was going to be hard.

"Dean," I heard a knock on my door, "Dinner's ready." My mom walked in my room, "Sweetie? You gonna come eat?" I shook my head, "No mom I'm not hungry today."

"Alright honey, just holler if you need anything." She kissed my forehead and left. I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Tomorrow I was going to find Cas and we were going to have a serious talk. I felt my eyes get heavy and then I was asleep.


	11. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We would like to start this chapter with a little note. Thank you to everyone who has bookmarked, left kudos, left comments, and read this story. We really really appreciate all of you. Without your kind comments we wouldn't be as far as we are so thank you. It really brings a smile to our faces when we read your comments. You are all so nice and we really appreciate it. If you ever see any major errors or think that a chapter is crappy leave a comment and let us know. We appreciate constructive criticism AS LONG AS you put it nicely. Like don't say something like "your writing is shit and this chapter is shit and I hate it you suck!" Be like "this isn't the best you've ever written and I think you could rewrite this to make it better." All comments and concerns are read and appreciated. So anyways just wanted to let you all know that we read your comments and they really make our day. So thank you all for your continued support. We hope you like this next chapter.  
> Much Love,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176  
> *WARNING*  
> Descriptive images of self harm depicted in this chapter.

A loud banging noise woke me up. I sat up in bed and looked at my alarm clock. It was 3:00 am. I sighed and rubbed my eyes.

"Castiel!" Shit. "Castiel! Get the fuck down here!" I got out of bed and slowly walked down the stairs. My father was in the middle of the living room, pacing.

"Yes father?" He stopped pacing and looked at me, "Castiel where is the television remote?" I furrowed my brows, "Father you don't like it when I watch television. I do not know where it is." My father looked at me angrily, "What do you mean you don't know? You're the only one who has been here all day! Who else could've moved it? Are you fucking lying to me?" He took a threatening step toward me and I flinched.

"No sir, I would not lie to you. I do not know where the remote is." My father glared at me. In three swift strides he was towering over me.

"You lying piece of shit!" He shoved me and I fell to the ground. He raised his hand and I flinched again.

"What? You think I'm gonna hit you? You think I'm some kind of child abuser? Is that what you fucking think?" I shook my head, "No sir! Not at all sir!" 

"Fucking liar! God damn!" He punched the wall, "It should've been you. You should've died in that car accident! It was your fucking fault! You're the reason that the love of my life is dead! She's fucking dead and I'm left with you! You worthless waste of human space! You don't even fucking do anything useful! God damn I wish it had been you." He hit the wall again, "Get out of my sight. I don't want to see your fucking face again."

I picked myself up off the floor and quickly walked up the stairs to my room. I could hear my father crying as I shut my door.

I turned to walk to my bed but didn't make it. I collapsed on the floor releasing the sobs I had been holding in. I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth my whole body shaking with sobs.

"Why God?" I cried, "Why does this happen to me? I try to serve you faithfully. I try to pray every night. I try my best Lord. So why have you forsaken me?" 

I pressed my hands into my eyes tears still streaming down my face. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't. My father didn't want me. So why stay? He wished I was dead, so why not just give him what he wanted? 

I took a couple deep breaths trying to get my sobYou'redder control. Once I had stopped the sobbing and it was just tears I got off the floor. I walked over to my back pack and got out my razor.

I looked at it for a minute, just contemplating how something so small could easily end my life in one strike. Funny how life works sometimes.

I lifted my shirt over my head and pulled it off. I couldn't see myself in the dark so I turned my light on. I looked at my chest, there were only faded scars on it, but my stomach had quite a few fresh cuts and some that were still healing. I looked at my left arm. From the wrist to the bend of my elbow there were cuts. Most of them were almost healed.

I looked at my right arm. I didn't cut there much since I'm right handed. Which meant there was plenty of clean canvas for me to work with.

I grabbed the blade in my left hand and pressed it to the skin of my right arm.

"You want me dead dad?" I pulled the blade across my skin. Blood started to seep out of the separated skin. "You hate me dad?" I cut again. "You wish it had been me instead?" Another cut. "I can fix that." Again and again and again I cut. I kept getting closer and closer to my wrist with every swipe of the blade. There was a lot of blood on my arm now but I kept going. This was it. I was finally going to do it. No more pain. No more bullies. No more dad. No more Dean. No more anything.

Suddenly I stopped. No more Dean. Why had that thought come to mind? No more Dean. I pulled the razor away from my skin. No more Dean. I looked at my arm. No more Dean. I dropped the razor. No more Dean. I started to cry.

"What is happening to me?" I looked at my arm and realized just how badly I was bleeding. I panicked. I had never cut this much at one time. Ever. I frantically searched for something to soak up the blood with. I found a towel in my laundry hamper and pulled it out. I pressed it to my arm and hissed in pain as it made contact with the open cuts.

I held the towel to my arm for a few minutes. I looked down and saw that the blood was soaking through.  
"Oh shit!" I pulled the towel away. My arm was still bleeding. I pressed the towel back against my arm and walked to my bedroom door.

Cautiously I opened the door looking around to make sure that my father wasn't around. I looked down the hallway, his door was shut. I slowly walked out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom.

I shut the door quietly and turned the sink on. I dropped the blood soaked towel to the floor and put my arm under the stream of cold water. I flinched and bit my lip, trying to conceal my sounds of pain. I didn't want my father to hear.

The water washed the blood off my arm. I watched as it swirled in the sink and went down the drain. I waited until the water ran clear to pull my arm out.

I grabbed a clean towel and gently dabbed my arm dry. I didn't want to look at my arm. I was afraid and that scared me. I had been cutting myself for three years now and never had I been so out of control. I had never been scared of cutting myself, it had always been a relief, a way to take control of something in my life, a way to feel better. What had happened to make me freak out like this?

Dean. No more Dean. That was the thought that had made me stop. I was going to kill myself but that one thought is the thing that stopped me. Why? I mean yeah I knew that I was gay. I've known that for years, and I know that I like Dean. I like Dean a lot. I wanted to date Dean if I was being honest with myself but I knew that would never happen. Dean was straight. He was a mans man. There was no way in hell he would ever date a guy. So why did that one thought have the power to stop me from killing myself?

I shook my head, "Castiel what have you gotten yourself into?" I pulled the towel away from my arm and looked at all the cuts. Some of them were long and deep and some of them were small and somewhat shallow. And there were so many of them. They were all over my arm from the bend of my elbow to just above my wrist. Angry red cuts scattered all around.

I choked back a sob. It had never been this bad.  
I waited for a few minutes just to be sure that my arm had stopped bleeding then I quietly left the bathroom and returned to my bedroom.

I shut the door quietly and crawled into bed. The alarm by my bed read 4:30 am. I closed my eyes praying that I would be able to fall back asleep. But sleep never came. Instead I laid on my bed crying. I cried until I didn't have any tears left and all that was coming out was sounds. My head hurt, my chest was tight, and I was in so much pain.

When my alarm went off I got out of bed and took a shower. I looked at my dads door as I walked back to my room, it was still shut.

I entered my room and shut the door behind me. Then I got ready for school.

I pulled on a long sleeve black button up shirt carefully avoiding rubbing the fabric on my new cuts. I pulled on a pair of jeans, my converse, a white tie, and my gray hoodie. I ran my hand through my hair a few times then called it good.

I left the house without grabbing anything for breakfast. I knew if I did my father might wake up and I did not want to run into him.

I walked to school in silence. I didn't even think about anything. I just walked with my face to the ground and my hood pulled over my head.

When I got to the school I walked in and went straight to my locker. Luckily Metatron and his gang were picking on a little freshman kid so they didn't see me.  
I subconsciously touched the burns on my neck remembering my encounter with Metatron yesterday. Which made me think of my encounter with Dean. I mentally scolded myself and rushed to my first class.

The day went by quickly and soon it was time for lunch. I went out and sat on the bleachers where Dean and I normally had lunch.

Dean didn't show up.

I waited for him but he didn't come. He probably didn't want to see me ever again. I mean I was a freak, and he had walked into the bathroom and found me cutting myself. That sort of stuff doesn't happen every day.

"Hey, you." I jumped at the sound of another human voice. I looked around and saw a girl standing at the bottom of the bleachers

"Me?"

"Yeah you. Are you Castiel?" I nodded and the girl climbed up the bleachers and sat next to me. I looked at her curiously.

"What?" She was pretty that was for sure. She had wavy blond hair and deep brown eyes. Her face was well rounded and she seemed really relaxed and laid back.

"Nothing," I looked away, "just not really used to people wanting to sit with me."

"Oh. Well I'm Jo. I'm one of Dean's friends." I turned and looked at her, "Hello Jo." I extended my hand and she shook it. "What can I help you with?" She sighed, "Do you know where Dean is? He wasn't in any of his morning classes and he didn't sit with us at lunch. I thought he might be out here with you but I guess he isn't here either." I shrugged, "I have not seen Dean since yesterday."

"Damn it. Nobody knows where he is. I tried calling him but he wouldn't pick up. I called his mom and she said she didn't know where he was he just told her he had stuff to think about."

"Oh, well my apologies Jo. I have not seen or talked to Dean since yesterday. I do not have his phone number either so I can not contact him. I am sorry that I couldn't be of more help to you."

" Its OK thanks anyways Castiel."

"You're welcome." She stood and walked down the bleachers, "See you later Castiel." She waved and then walked back towards the school building.

I waved as she left. See you later? Isn't that something someone says when they intend to actually see you again? I shook my head confused.

Where was Dean? And what was he doing?  
The bell rang signaling the end of lunch period. I returned to the school building and went about my day. 

Dean was not in math class.

He also didn't come to our tutoring session after school. 

Maybe he was sick or something? That would explain why he hasn't been at school. I put my books away in my locker and left the school beginning my long walk home.

Metatron had not had time to harass me today due to the scolding he got for beating up that kid this morning. That meant that all in all I was in a pretty good mood.

I made it home and walked inside, "Father?" I waited in silence for a few minutes but there was no response. Assuming my father wasn't home I went to the kitchen and made a quick ham sandwich.

I took the sandwich with me up to my room and sat on my bed eating it. It was the first thing I had eaten since lunch yesterday and it tasted so good. I finished my sandwich and got started on my homework.  
When I was finished with my homework I got ready for bed. My father still wasn't home which was good news for me.

I carefully stripped out of my school clothes and put them in the hamper. I pulled on my pajamas and knelt in front of my bed.

"Dear God," I prayed, "I thank you for this day that you have given me. I thank you for allowing me to go through the day without being harassed. Thank you for protecting me today. Thank you for allowing me to live another day. Please forgive the people who have sinned against you. Please heal the sick and be with the elderly. I pray that you would keep a special eye on Dean Winchester God. Protect him and heal him so that he can be at school tomorrow. I thank you for Dean's friendship and I pray that I have not ruined it. Please help my father through his lingering grief. Help me to get a good nights rest tonight and please let me have a good day tomorrow. Amen." I climbed into bed and clutched the pendant hanging around my neck.

"God please protect me." I whispered and kissed the pendant. "Goodnight mother, I love you."

I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time drifted into a peaceful sleep, thoughts of Dean Winchester on my mind. Hopefully tomorrow can be as good as today was.


	12. Dean

I woke up to the smell of bacon. It wafted up the stairs into my bedroom pulling me out of bed. I walked down the stairs to the kitchen.

"Good morning sweetie," mom smiled as she set a plate of fresh bacon on the table.

"Morning," I yawned, "How come you aren't at work yet mom?" Mom smiled, "I took the day off. I was a little worried about you and I wanted to make sure that you were OK."

"Mom you didn't have to do that. I'm fine." I grabbed a piece of bacon and shoved half of it in my mouth. The warm greasy morsel woke up my taste buds in the best way.

"You always say that Dean, but your eyes tell a different story." I rolled my eyes, "Seriously mom. I'm fine." I shoved the rest of the bacon slice in my mouth and walked over to the fridge. I got out some orange juice and poured myself a glass. "What time is it anyway?"

"12:30." I choked on the glass of orange juice I was drinking. "What?" I coughed, "Why didn't you wake me up? I'm really late for school!" She shrugged, "I figured you were stressed and you needed some time to cool off so I let you sleep in." I sighed, "Thanks, but next time wake me up."

"OK honey." I smiled at her and went upstairs to take a shower. Once I had finished my shower I threw on a T-shirt, a pair of jeans, my biker boots, and a flannel. I took the stairs two at a time and walked back into the kitchen.

"I'm going to school mom," I walked over and gave her a hug.

"Oh both my boys are getting so big," She sighed, "Have a good day honey."

"I will." I pulled away and gave her a kiss on the forehead, "I love you."

"I love you too." I smiled and headed towards the front door grabbing a handful of bacon on my way out of the kitchen.

I hopped in baby and quickly drove to school. By the time I got there it was time for math. I parked and went inside the school building heading straight for my math class.

I opened the door not even caring that class had already started.

"Ah Mr. Winchester," Mr. Padalecki looked up from his book, "fashionably late as always." I smirked, "Well you know me, I like to make an entrance."

"Please have a seat." Mr. Padalecki gestured for me to sit down. I looked around the room and saw my usual spot next to Cas was empty. I walked over to my desk and sat down.

Cas was sitting at his desk staring at his notebook. He wasn't writing, he wasn't reading, he was just staring.  
I watched him for a minute considering passing him a note. Then he moved his arm and I saw it. I saw angry red cuts on his arm and I turned away.

I still didn't know what to do. I wanted to say something to Cas about it but I wasn't sure what to say. I was afraid of hurting his feelings or ruining our friendship. Jo had said to just talk to him about it. That sounded so easy until I saw those new cuts. How many of them were there? Were there a lot? Were there only a few? I didn't know. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

A piece of paper landing on my desk broke my train of thought. I looked down at the neatly folded white square and considered leaving it there. Finally I reached down and picked up the note.

'Is everything alright Dean?' I looked over at Cas. He was staring at me with those intense blue eyes that did funny things to my insides. That was another thing. I still haven't figured out how I really feel about Cas. I mean I thought I was straight but then all of a sudden those blue eyes and messy black hair keep popping into my head. I was so frustrated with this whole situation.

'I'm fine.' I wrote and half heartedly tossed it on Cas' desk. That had been my go to reply recently just, I'm fine. When in reality I really was not fine.

The paper landed on my desk again.

'You look troubled.' I had to stifle a snort at that. Really Cas? I look troubled? Really? I mean I just caught you cutting yourself in the bathroom two days ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it since then. Oh and then you know I feel really confused about my sexuality because I can't stop thinking about you and your perfect face and how bad I want to kiss your perfect lips. Am I troubled? No. Fucking. Shit. Sherlock.

'Nope I'm just fine.' I threw the paper back at Cas. I really did not want to talk to him right now. Everything was still such a jumbled up mess inside my head, I really just didn't know what to say.

'Are you sure? You can talk to me Dean.' That time I did snort. Really? How ironic.

'I'm fine Castiel.' I tossed it back on Cas' desk. What the fuck was he doing? Was he trying to make things worse for me? Was he trying to make me pissed off? The paper landed on my desk again but this time I ignored it. It sat there till the end of class. Then it ended up in the trash can. I didn't read it.

I quickly walked out of the room and headed for my next class.

"Dean!" I ignored Cas and kept walking. "Dean wait!" I turned the corner and walked into my next class. Cas didn't follow.

After school I didn't go to the library. I couldn't be around Cas right now. I didn't even know what to say to him. I got in baby and went to pick Sam up from school.

When I pulled up he was standing by the bus talking to some girl. She was short with long black hair. I couldn't see her face but I could tell she was cute. Sam said something to her and she laughed. I grinned as I realized that my little brother was trying to flirt with a girl.

I waited for a few more minutes, then I honked the horn.  
"Hey Sammy! Let's go!" Sam glared at me and said something to the girl. She nodded and Sam grinned. Then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed Sam on the cheek. His face turned bright red and he quickly walked to the car.

"Well well well," I said as Sam got in the passengers seat, "look at you lady killer." Sam blushed again, "Shut up and drive jerk."

"Oh no no no. See there is an unwritten law amongst brothers. You have just been kissed by a girl, a cute girl from what I could see, thus I must tease you relentlessly."

"Can we please just go? Its not important just take me home." I laughed, "Oh Sammy you like her!"

"Shut up."

"Oh, you like her a lot." I smiled, "What's her name?" Sam sighed, "You aren't going to leave me alone until I tell you are you?" I shook my head, "Nope."

"Fine her name is Sarah and yes I do like her....a lot." I punched him lightly on the shoulder, "Good for you man! Did you ask her out yet?"

"Dean," Sam rolled his eyes, "be serious I have to get mom and dads approval first."

"Oh right right. I forgot." Sam sighed, "Can we please just go home now?"

"Sure." I pulled away from the school and we spent the ride in silence.

Once I pulled into the driveway I looked over at Sam, "No Kevin's house today?" He shook his head, "Kevin has some sort of family thing this weekend so I'm stuck at home."

"Well Aunt Ellen called and she needs me to work the graveyard shift at the roadhouse tonight, but I have practice before that if you wanna come."

"Yeah, sure its better than sitting at home alone. Maybe I could convince Ellen to let me help out tonight too, earn a little extra cash." I smiled, "Sounds like a plan little brother." We got out of baby and went in the house.

"Sammy what time is it?"

"3:35"

"We leave for Jo's place at 5:30 alright?"

"Got it." I walked up to my room and threw my bag on the floor. I had so much homework to do since I had skipped a day. I groaned at the thought of homework and flopped on my bed. I was so busy this weekend, I had practice and work tonight, I had a gig tomorrow night and the after party for that, then on Sunday we had to go to church. Where was I gonna find the time to do my homework?

I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hands. I slowly got off my bed and walked over to my desk. I pulled out my math homework and gave it a glance. It looked so complicated. I had no fucking idea what I was doing. If I hadn't skipped my tutor session today then I would know. But I also would've had to talk to Cas. I wasn't ready to deal with that situation yet.

I sighed and pushed my book back into my bag. Deciding I had nothing better to do I went over and laid on my bed. I really needed to figure all this stuff going on with Cas out. How was I going to talk to him about his self harm? How was I going to tell him I might have a crush on him? How did I know he liked me back? I mean I had heard rumors that Cas was gay but I had never actually asked him if he was or not.

Fuck this was all so confusing. I stared at the ceiling lost in thought. Next thing I know Sam is shoving me, "Dean, its 5:30 you fell asleep." I sat up and streteched,"Did you get your homework done?" Sam nodded.

"Did you call Ellen?"

"Yes and she said she would love an extra set of hands tonight."

"Alright. Did you call mom and dad and let them know?"

"Mom was in her room taking a nap so I left a note on her nightstand and I sent dad a text so he'll know when he gets off work." I hopped out of bed, "Alright let's get going then."

The drive to Jo's house was quiet except for the radio. We didn't have much time to talk about anything since Jo only lived about 5 minutes from our house. I pulled up in the driveway and parked baby.

Jo waved at us from the open garage and motioned for me to hurry up. I got out of the car and walked into the garage. Everyone was there getting set up for practice. Jo had her guitar on and was ready to go, Charlie was still getting her bass set up, Ash was already banging on the his drum set and Chuck was in the corner talking to Garth.

"What took ya so long Winchester?" Jo asked. I shrugged, "I fell asleep. Sorry."

"Well you better not be late tomorrow night. If we lose that gig because of you." I smirked, "Chill out Joanna Beth. I'll be in time I swear." She nodded but looked a little skeptical. I just smiled and shook my head. I walked over and picked up my guitar strapping it on, "Alright guys we ready?" Ash whooped, Charlie gave me a thumbs up, and Jo played a chord.

"Let's do this!"

An hour and a half later we were tired sweaty and ready to call it quits. I took a swig out of my water bottle, "Alright I think that's everything you guys. So we'll meet outside the bar tomorrow night at exactly 8 o'clock got it?"

"Got it Dean," Charlie smiled.

"You betcha!" Ash exclaimed.

"Wait we aren't done yet." Everyone turned and looked at Jo. I raised my brow at her, "What are you talking about Jo? We ran through all the songs already." She shook her head, "Not all of them. Dean wrote a song yesterday."

"Really?" Charlie gasped, "Dean you haven't written a song since Lisa dumped you."

"Yeah I know. Thanks for reminding me Charlie." She blushed, "Sorry Dean."

"So let's hear it," Ash encouraged. I shook my head, "Nah its no good you guys just forget it."

"Dean Winchester," Jo was using her 'you're gonna do this whether you like it or not' voice. I cringed, "OK OK fine I'll play it but it isn't any good."

I plucked out the first few notes of Lonely boy then started to sing. When I was finished I looked at everyone. They were all wide eyed.

"It sucks doesn't it?" Charlie quickly shook her head, "No Dean that was amazing! It was so full of emotion!"

"I haven't heard a song sound so meaningful to the person who wrote it in a long long time." Ash clapped, "Bravo Dean." Jo smiled, "See I told you it was good."

"Yeah yeah whatever."

"You're gonna play that at our gig tomorrow right?" Charlie looked hopeful. Ash nodded in agreement and so did chuck and Garth. Jo waited with a smirk on her face.  
I sighed, "I don't have much of a choice do I?" They all shook their heads. "Well then I guess I'm playing it tomorrow night."

Everyone smiled and then we all decided it was time to go home.

"Ready to go?" I asked Sam once I had my guitar put away. He nodded and after saying our goodbyes we got in the car and left.

"So who was that song about?" Sam asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Dean. I know you better than anyone. I know that you only write songs about people that you care about. So who is that song about?" I sighed, "Nobody it just kinda popped in my head that's all."

"Dean." I could feel his bitch face even though it was too dark to see it.

"Sam it's not important alright? So just drop it." He sighed but didn't question me anymore. I turned up the radio and we just listened to the music the rest of the ride.

Ellen's was packed when I clocked on for my shift. Then again its usually packed on Friday nights. I was so preoccupied with work (and flirting with hot chicks) that Cas didn't even cross my mind once.

Sam and I clocked off and left around 4 in the morning. Once Sam sat down in the passenger seat he was out. I smiled at the little brat and took us home. I didnt even wake him up I just pulled him out of the passengers side and carried him to his bed. It was hard too since he's almost taller than me.

I laid Sam down on his bed then went to my own room. I was passed out the minute my head hit the pillow.  
I didn't get out of bed until sometime around 4 pm Saturday afternoon. Which was fine with mom since I didn't have to go to work or anything. I had four hours till I had to be at my gig and I had no idea what to do. So I got out of bed got a bowl of cereal and watched Sherlock on Netflix till it was time to leave.

I arrived at the bar right at 8. Jo was outside waiting for me. "You were almost late Dean." I smiled, "But I wasn't." She rolled her eyes and followed me into the bar.

"Is our stuff all set up?"

"Yeah Charlie, Ash and I got it done about 5 minutes ago."

"What did you all show up early?" She scoffed, "Yeah we figured you'd be late so we were all early to make sure things got done on time."

"Wow I'm glad you all have so much faith in me." Jo rolled her eyes and I stuck my tongue out at her. I walked onto stage and grabbed my guitar, "Everyone's ready right?" Charlie gave me a thumbs up, Ash nodded, and Jo gave me a face that said, duh Dean. I laughed and we started to play.

We performed for two hours and then went to the after party. It was crazy. I told myself that I wasn't going to get drunk but I did.

I got so drunk I didn't even know what I was doing. I don't remember that stranger walking up to me. I don't remember them kissing me. And I certainly don't remember having sex with them.

But I did.

I woke up Sunday morning with a pounding headache. My mom was going to kill me. I rolled over in bed and came face to face with someone I had never seen before. Oh shit.

I jumped out of bed as quickly as I could. Unfortunately they woke up. "Well good morning to you too." I froze. That was not a woman's voice. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a couple times. Maybe I was still hungover but was that a guy in that bed? They stood up and the covers fell from around their waist. Oh fuck that's a penis.

"Did we-" I faltered. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

"What? Have sex?" He asked, "Yeah we did. Don't worry though. You were super drunk and you topped." My mouth felt dry. I had slept with another guy and I didn't really feel wrong about it.

"Who's Cas by the way?"

"What?" The guy chuckled, "Right forgot you were drunk. While you were giving me the best sex I've ever had you kept screaming the name Cas. Who's Cas?" I swallowed thickly. I really needed a glass of water.

"Um I'm not sure that's really your business." He laughed, "You're right. Curiosity often gets the better of me. Anyways thanks for last night. It was pretty awesome."

"Um yeah. You're welcome I guess." He gave me one last smile and left the room. I stood there in shock. I had had sex with a man. I had slept with another man. Why don't I feel bothered by this? What the fuck is going on? Now I had even more questions that I didn't have the answers to.

I looked at my watch. I had an hour to get home before we left for church. My mom was going to kill me.


	13. Castiel

I sat in my pew with my head down. Church was always something my family participated in and this Sunday was no different. 

I closed my eyes and tried to stay awake. It was hard keeping myself awake today but it was partially my own fault. I should not have stayed up so late last night.

~Last night~

I was sitting on my bed when I heard a knock on my door. 

"Come in." Anna peeked in my door, "Hey Cassie. It's been a while." 

"Anna. Yes it has been a while come in. Have a seat." Anna walked in my room and sat on the end of my bed. She looked at her hands, a smile fliting across her features.

"So I went to a bar tonight."

"Anna Marie Milton!" My protective cousin instincts kicked in, "What were you doing at a bar? And how did you get in the bar in the first place?" 

"Well I know a guy, his name is Gabriel maybe you've heard of him?" 

"Gabriel. I should've known. My older brother always has been a bit rebellious." Anna laughed, "A little rebellious? Castiel that is a bit of an understatement don't you think?" 

"Perhaps, but that is irrelevant how did he get you in the bar?" Anna shrugged her shoulders, "He knows the owners son. Went to high school with him. Some guy named Balthazar. But anyways Castiel I had so much fun and I didn't drink or hook up and have meaningless sex cause I know that's what you're thinking." I rolled my eyes, "So what was so great about this bar?" 

"The band that played." 

"Anna," I looked at my phone, "Its almost one in the morning can't this wait?" She shook her head, "No! Castiel I recorded this band on my phone you have to watch the video!" She pulled her phone out of her purse, "They were so amazing and the lead singers voice." She fell back on my bed, "It was so beautiful Castiel." 

"Well if I must watch this tonight will you please show it to me so that I can go to bed and you can go home. We both have to go to church tomorrow." 

"Castiel you are such a buzz kill." I shrugged, "So let's see this amazing band." She sat up and climbed on my lap holding her phone so that both of us could see the screen. 

"Get ready Cassie this is gonna be life changing." I rolled my eyes but focused on the video. It was kinda blurry and there was a lot of screaming girls. Then a deep voice announced the band as 'Team Free Will.' The lead singer stepped into view, even with the blurry screen I knew who that was. 

"Dean?" Anna shushed me, "Listen Castiel he's about to sing!" Dean stepped up to the microphone and strummed his guitar. The girls went crazy again and he was silent. Then he started strumming a familiar tune and all the other band members joined in. And when Dean sang that first note my heart melted inside my chest. "Isn't he amazing?" Anna sighed. 

"Yeah, he really is." I stared at the screen absorbing every movement memorizing every sound Dean made. I had never heard anyone sing so wonderfully. The video stopped and I sighed, "That's it?" 

"No I recorded the last song too. It was a solo by the hot lead singer." Anna pressed play on the video. I watched as Dean sat on a stool that had been placed on the stage. He strapped an acoustic guitar on and leaned into the microphone. 

"I wrote this song about a really good friend of mine. I know he's not here tonight and he probably won't ever hear me play this but I just want him to know that....I've seen him, and I care." All the girls 'awed' and Dean started to play, and then he sang.

"Lonely boy walks these crowded halls.  
He hides within a hoodie that blends into the walls.  
He doesn't want to be seen.  
He doesn't want anyone to get close.  
He doesn't want them to know.

Lonely boy walking on your own.  
Lonely boy you want to be alone?  
Lonely boy hide the pain you feel,  
Pretending its not real.  
Lonely boy I see you

Lonely boy you're broken and you fall.  
He dries his eyes and ducks into a bathroom stall.  
He doesn't fight all this pain.  
He dries His eyes and he cuts again.  
He doesn't want them to know.

Lonely boy walking on your own.  
Lonely boy you want to be alone?  
Lonely boy hide the pain you feel,  
Pretending its not real.  
Lonely boy I see you

You try to hide in the crowds,  
But I will track you down

Lonely boy walking on your own.  
Lonely boy you want to be alone?  
Lonely boy hide the pain you feel,  
Pretending its not real.  
Lonely boy I see you  
I see you  
Lonely boy"

As Dean finished the song the crowd went crazy. I stared and stared at Anna's phone screen. Tears were running down my cheeks.

"Isn't he just amazing? Cassie? Castiel what's wrong?" Anna reached up and brushed a tear off my cheek. 

"Its me." I whispered.

"What's you Castiel?" 

"Its me. The song. The friend he wrote that for. Its me." 

Anna turned around to face me, "What? Cassie that's impossible. That song is about a sad, lonely boy that cuts himself. That's not you Castiel. You're quiet yes. You're reserved yes. But you don't get bullied and you don't cut yourself anymore you promised me you stopped." I looked at my comforter, "Maybe those things are true but you know how song writers dramatize things to make the song sound better. Maybe that's all it is. But I know that song is about me Anna. I know it is." 

"Wow. That's pretty awesome. You have a song written about you by a gorgeous man. Lucky you Cassie." 

I rolled my eyes. I didn't feel lucky. In fact I was pissed. Who did Dean think he was? He basically just told my secret to everyone who heard that song. Sure he didn't mention my name, and Dean had so many friends it was kind of a toss up between who the song was really for but still. I felt betrayed. 

"Anna I think you need to go home." She looked at me curiously, "Is everything alright Cassie?" I nodded, "Everything is fine. Its just getting really late and we both have church in the morning." 

"You're right." Anna huffed and got off my bed, "I'll see you tomorrow. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I chuckled, "Goodnight Anna Marie." She blew me a kiss, "Goodnight Castiel." 

~~~~~~~

I shook my head. Last night was definitely Anna's fault. I looked behind me and saw her dozing in her pew. I shook my head, if only I could sleep without fear of the repercussions. 

A door opening at the back of the auditorium disrupted the whole service, and my morning. The preacher paused and looked up. Everyone turned to see who it was. My blood ran cold. For once I was not happy to see Dean Winchester. 

The Winchesters sat in a pew towards the back hoping not to be seen, although everyone was staring at them.  
The preacher continued his sermon and everyone turned back around like nothing had happened. 

I glared at Dean. I was still pissed at him because of what Anna showed me last night. It was a beautiful song but I felt so exposed. 

"And now to end our services today I will ask my son to come and dismiss us all in prayer." I looked up and slowly got out of my pew. I walked up to the podium and looked at all the people in the congregation. I was really nervous.

"Please pray with me." I bowed my head, "Dear God we thank you for this opportunity that we have had to come and worship you today in your house. We pray that you would keep us safe throughout the rest of the week until we meet again next Sunday. We praise you and we love you. Amen." I walked back to my pew avoding eye contact with everyone.

"You're dismissed." People started to leave but I just sat there not wanting to talk to anyone.

"Castiel." I gulped, "Yes Father?" 

"Come on greet the people with me son. It is our job as leaders in the church to make sure everyone feels welcomed." 

"Yes Father." I stood and followed my father to the entryway of the church. 

"That was a wonderful message Pastor Novak." Mary Winchester said as she shook my Fathers hand. "And I didn't know that you had a son." 

"Yes well Castiel is a little shy and he doesn't normally greet people. He usually just sits in his pew making sure to be good." I looked at the ground embarrassed. 

"Cas?" Oh. No. 

"Hello Dean."

"Cas. I didn't know that you came to this church. How come I've never seen you here before?" I looked up at Dean. What was he playing at here? Giving me the cold shoulder on Friday, which had added a few more cuts to my arm might I add, then singing a song about me in front of tons of people, now this? He just thinks he can be friendly after all the shit he's pulled? Hell. Fucking. No.

"Well that's kinda funny Dean because you just sang a song about seeing me to hundreds of people. Now you say you have never seen me here. How ironic." Dean paled, "How do you know about that?" 

"Oh please. I have an older brother genius. He frequents the bar you played at." Dean licked his lips, "Well....how do you know that was about you and not someone else?" I glared at Dean. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor.

"Castiel." Oh. Fuck. "I didn't know that you knew the Winchester boy." My father stuck his hand out for Dean to shake. Dean accepted the gesture, "Yes sir. Cas and I go to school together."

"Really?" My father looked at me skeptically, "Castiel has never made mention of you before." 

"Huh. Really?" Dean looked at me pointedly, "That's weird since he tutors me at least once a week and we eat lunch together pretty much every day." I was so fucked.

"Is that so?" My father looked at me but I avoided his gaze, looking at the ground. "How interesting." I kept my gaze locked on the floor. I was in so much trouble.

"May God be with you the rest of the week, young Winchester." Dean shook my fathers hand again then he and his family left.

Once everyone was gone father and I locked up the church. It was a very quiet walk home.

We made it home and my father shut and locked the door.

"Castiel. What have I told you about making friends?" I looked at the floor, "That people are not to be trusted, and the only reason to befriend them is to use them to your advantage." 

"Because?"

"Because that's what they will do to you." He nodded and then I was up against the wall.

"Do you realize what this Winchester boy is like? Do you know what he has done? What sort of immorality he has committed?" I shook my head, "Father he is not my friend. I have to help him with his work or they will take points off of mine. We are not friends."

"LIAR!" his fist connected with the wall next to my head, "Fucking liar. He said you eat lunch together. You know who does things like that Castiel? Friends do things like that. So don't fucking lie to me." He raised his hand and instinctively I flinched.

"You think I'm gonna hit you boy? Is that what you think?"

"No sir!" I cried tears streaming down my cheeks. 

"Fucking pussy." He let go of me and walked towards the living room, "It should've been you Castiel. It should've been you." 

I picked myself up off the floor and ran to my room. I shut the door and fell on the floor in a heap of tears. I cried and cried and cried. Curling into the fetal position still wearing my Sunday suit I cried. 

'It should've been you.' Echoed in my head until finally I couldn't stand it. I got off the floor and grabbed the first sharp object I could find. It was a pair of scissors. I ripped my suit jacket and tie off throwing them to the floor. Soon after my shirt was on the ground next to them. 

I opened the scissors and pressed the sharp edge to my chest. I pushed it closed. One. Two. Three.  
There was a knock at my door. I placed the scissors down on my desk and looked at my new cuts. There were six of them across my rib cage. I sighed.

"Castiel?" It was Anna, "Castiel can I come in?" 

"No Anna. I am very tired and I have a lot of work to finish before school tomorrow." 

I heard her footsteps fade down the hallway. I picked the scissors back up.

"Castiel." That was not Anna, "Cassie let me in."

"No Gabriel. I am very busy." 

"Cassie we need to talk. You haven't been answering any of my phone calls or texts. Kali and I are worried about you little bro. I mean I know how harsh James can be sometimes and I just want to make sure you're OK." 

"Gabriel I am fine. Father and I get along very well. You do not need to worry about me. Everything here is fine." I heard Gabriel sigh, "You know you can't keep me out forever Cassie. I know that you're lying. Please let me help Cassie." 

"I think you should leave Gabriel. You know how father feels about you being in the house." 

"Just don't be afraid to call me if you ever need anything. And try to answer when I call every once in awhile." I sighed, "Goodbye Gabriel." He sighed and then his footsteps followed Anna's down the hallway. I threw the scissors on my desk and cleaned myself up.

I spent the rest of my day lying in bed fighting sleep. Until I finally gave up and let sleep settle in, dreading tomorrow at school. Where I would have to see Dean Winchester again.


	14. Dean

"Dean? Hello earth to Dean!" I opened my eyes and saw a hand in front of my face. I sat up and blinked, this was my room but that was not Sam's voice. I looked around my room and found the owner of the hand and the voice.

"Jo. What are you doing at my house at, what time is it?"

"6:00 a.m."

"Fuck! Joanna Beth Harvelle this better be fucking important." Jo sat on my bed across from me, "Oh its incredibly important Dean." 

"Well?" I flopped back on my pillow, "Could it possibly wait till school?" 

"No Dean it can't. Now sit your stupid ass up and pay attention because I woke up at ass o'clock in the morning to come and give you this pep talk so you are going to pay attention." I groaned but sat up, "OK Jo I'm listening. What's on your mind?" 

"You're an asshole Dean." I looked at her confused, "Why did you wake up at ass o'clock in the morning to come and tell me something I already know?" 

"Shut up Winchester I'm not finished." Jo crossed her arms across her chest. Shit I'm in trouble. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Like I seriously can't even wrap my head around how stupid you are. What the fuck Dean?"

"OK Jo I would love to know what the fuck we are talking about here because I am fucking confused." Jo narrowed her eyes at me and if looks could kill I would be dead a million times over.

"What I'm talking about Dean is Castiel." I frowned immediately defensive, "What about him?" 

"Dean," Jo sighed, "Its been two weeks since whatever happened that made you stop talking to Castiel. You need to apologize." 

"What the fuck do I have to apologize for Jo?" 

"You could start with the fact that you're an asshole and just go from there." I glared at her, "You don't know the situation Jo so just drop it." 

"No. Damn it Dean quit it! Quit being such a selfish asshole! Seriously you need to talk to Castiel. He is so hurt right now. He misses you Dean. You're his friend." I scoffed, "He misses me? Really? How do you know that?"

"Because unlike you I have been talking to Castiel and he talks about you...a lot. He's confused and worried. He thinks its his fault that you won't talk to him. Dean he fucking cried in the boys bathroom yesterday with Charlie."

"Wait. Why was Charlie in the boys bathroom?" Jo rolled her eyes, "Because, douche bag, after you and Castiel left your math class we all watched you literally run away from him. Then we all watched him literally break down in front of everyone and run into the bathroom bawling his eyes out. Charlie didn't want him to be alone so she followed him in the bathroom and comforted him while he cried. And you know what Dean he thinks this is all his fault. He is crying because you are a bastard. What the fuck Dean?" I smoothed my hand over my face, "Jo-"

"No don't Jo me. I have been thinking about this pretty much all night Dean. Get your shit together and go apologize to Castiel. Out of all the people that you owe apologies he needs one the most." Jo stood up and walked to my bedroom door, "Just think about it this way Dean, you're his only friend and you won't talk to him and he doesn't know why. How would you feel if I stopped talking to you and never told you why? Think about it." And with that Jo left.

I sat on my bed for a while just staring after her. What the fuck had just happened. I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling hoping to find some answers written there. 

There weren't any.

I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. But sleep never came, Jo's words were echoing in my head, 'You're his only friend Dean.' Fuck I needed to apologize to Cas.

When I arrived at school later that morning none of my friends would look at me.

"Come on guys." I sighed, "Is it really that bad?" Ash scoffed and walked inside the school with Chuck right behind him. Jo gave me her talk-to-Castiel-or-I-will cut-your-balls-off face and glared at me. I looked at Charlie she had her arms crossed and she was staring at a rock on the ground.

"Charlie?" She looked up at me and her eyes were red rimmed holding back tears.

"Congratulations Dean," she spit out angrily, "you are successfully a bigger douche then Metatron. How does that feel?" 

"Come on Charlie, you can't hate me too. Not you Charlie."

"Fuck you Dean. You weren't there yesterday. You didn't sit on that cold disgusting bathroom floor next to Castiel. You didn't hold him in your arms and try to comfort him while he was crying his eyes out. You didn't listen to him talk about you. You didn't hear the pain in his voice, you didn't see how broken he was." Charlie had tears rolling down her face now, "You didn't feel his body trembling with sobs. You didn't hear all the praise he had for you.  
All the wonderful things he said about you. You didn't hear how little he thinks of himself. How he blames himself for you not talking to him. You didn't hear any of that. You didn't see any of that. You didn't feel pain for the poor kid. You didn't cry with him. So fuck you Dean. You fucking bastard. Until you apologize to Castiel and spend the rest of your miserable fucking life making up for making him feel like shit don't call me friend. You selfish bastard." 

She walked up to me and smacked me in the face. Then she turned and went inside the school. I looked at Jo my mouth hanging open in shock, "You guys are all that mad at me? Really? You don't even know Cas!" 

"Bullshit Dean. You don't know Cas. We all have been trying to help him since you started giving him the cold shoulder. Me and Charlie and Chuck and Ash and Garth, we've been hanging out with Castiel getting to know him. Sure he's shy and yes he doesn't talk a lot but Castiel is a great person and you Dean are a fucking dickwad." I ran my hand through my hair, "OK OK. I get it I suck. What should I do Jo?" 

"Apologize to Castiel." 

"You make it sound so easy." Jo shrugged, "It is easy. All you have to do is go find him and tell him that you're sorry." I sighed, "OK I'll do my best I guess." Jo shook her head and walked inside saying nothing more.

I sighed, "You are in some serious shit Dean." 

I pulled my jacket a little tighter around me trying to keep out the winter cold. Christmas break started this week and I had to apologize to Cas, I couldn't wait until we got back. I leaned my head back against the building, what the fuck was I going to do?

As if God had heard my thoughts Cas walked by me, in the tan trench coat he had started wearing as it got colder. I grabbed my back pack and followed him.

"Hey Cas!" I yelled. He stopped and turned around looking at me, "Hello Dean."

"Hey man can we uh talk?" 

"There is nothing to talk about. I have to go before I am late for class." He turned and walked towards the school. I stood there for a second debating whether or not that counted as an apology. I mean I had tried right? And Cas, well he said there wasn't anything to talk about so.....mission accomplished? Right? 

Wrong. Wrong and you know it Dean. I sighed and followed Cas.

"Cas wait!" He stopped but didn't turn around. I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder, "Cas, man we really need to talk." 

"Dean," Cas sighed, "I really have to get to my class now." 

"Cas seriously I'm making an effort here. We need to talk about.....stuff." Cas shrugged my hand off his shoulder, "Perhaps later." 

"Cas!" He walked away from me down the hallway to his class. I kicked the lockers next to me, "Damn it!" 

"Mr. Winchester." I turned around and looked at Mr. Padalecki, "You shouldn't kick school property. At least not while there's teachers around." 

"Yes sir." 

"Also cursing is a bad habit to get into." I scoffed, "Like you don't cuss."

"Never said that I didn't, just said its not the best habit to have. It makes you sound unintelligent. I also was curious, why haven't you been attending your tutoring sessions with Castiel? Did something happen?" 

"How do you know I'm not going to my tutor sessions?" Mr. Padalecki shook his head, "Dean, Dean, Dean, do you really think that Castiel just sits in the library every day waiting for you to show up?" I looked at the floor, "Well, no not really. I guess I just thought he went home or something."

"He comes to me. He comes to my classroom and sits. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. But when we do he talks about you." 

"Yeah so I've heard." Mr. Padalecki looked at me sympathetically, "Look Dean I don't know what's going on between you and Castiel but it needs to stop. You need to get past this. Castiel needs a friend and frankly you're the only one he has. Just try to fix it Dean."

He turned and walked down the hallway to his classroom. I watched him go. Great another person in the 'We hate Dean' fanclub. I sighed and walked to my first period. Might as well go to class since I have nothing better to do. 

Classes moved extremely slow. I sat through class after boring class until finally it was time for lunch. I practically ran outside to the bleachers with my lunch in hand. I sat down and waited for Cas the thought that he might not come outside because it was cold didn't even cross my mind.

Just as I was getting ready to go inside a tan trench coat caught my eye. I saw Cas just as he saw me. He quickly looked at the ground. 

"Cas," I walked down the bleachers and Cas shuffled his feet. I walked up to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, "Cas, buddy, we really need to talk." 

"Dean I am not sure what you are so adamant about needing to talk to me about." 

"Cas seriously!" I ran my hands through my hair, "It's about...you know..." Cas tilted his head and squinted at me in confusion and damn it if he didn't look like an adorable kitten. 

"Cas, you know what I'm talking about."

"Dean I am not sure that I understand-"

"Damn it Cas! I'm talking about you standing in the fucking bathroom slicing yourself up like a fucking tomato or some shit! Seriously what the fuck Cas?!?" Cas shrugged my hand off his shoulder and took a step back.

"Dean, I would rather not talk about that." I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. "Cas we can't avoid this anymore. I'm sick of avoiding you because every time I look at you all I can see is you standing in the middle of that bathroom cutting yourself. Why Cas why do you do that to yourself?" 

"It is not of import-" 

"The fuck it isn't Cas. The fuck it isn't!" 

"Dean please just forget about it." Cas turned to leave, "Hey! We ain't done talking yet!" I grabbed Cas and spun him around to face me, "Listen to me Damn it!" 

"I have to go Dean." He tried to walk away but I tightened my hold, "No Cas you aren't walking away from this. We need to talk about this!"

"Its not your business Dean!"

"Yes it is! It is my business!"

"Why? What makes it your business? What gives you the right?"

"Because I care about you goddamn it! I fucking care about you! I can't get you off my mind Cas. I'm worried about you man."

"Why would you care about me? Nobody cares about me." 

"I do Cas. I care about you. Why the fuck else do you think I would freeze my ass off in this cold waiting for you?" Cas shrugged, "Metatron once waited outside in the snow for an hour waiting for me so he could throw me in a snow bank." I sighed, "That's not the same thing Cas." 

"It doesn't matter Dean. Just forget about it." Cas turned to walk away again. "Cas wait!" I reached out and grabbed his wrist and he cringed, "Let go Dean." 

"Cas, what's on your arm?"

"N-nothing," Cas looked at the ground. I grabbed his sleeve and pulled it up, "Dean don't!" It was too late I pulled the coat sleeve up and looked at Cas' arm. It was covered in cuts. Long ones, short ones, ones that looked shallow, ones that looked deep, and even some that looked deep enough for stitches. 

I could feel tears pricking at the corner of my eyes, "Cas, what? Why?" He pulled his arm away and pushed the sleeve back down, "It doesn't matter Dean. Just forget about it." 

"No Cas! What the hell is going on man? Why are you doing this to yourself?" 

"Why? Why?" Cas laughed a humorless laugh, "That's fucking funny Dean. Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than yourself and the next chick you plan on fucking you would know why." 

"That's not fair Cas, I care about you. Hell maybe I even like you!" Cas faltered, "What?" He tilted his head again and I couldn't take it anymore. He looked so goddamn adorable. Without really thinking I walked up to him cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. 

I could feel Cas tense up. Then he kissed back and oh my fuck I had never felt anything be so right in my life. I kept our lips pressed together for a few seconds longer until my brain caught up with my body. 

I stepped away from Cas a little too fast, "I'm sorry Cas. I don't know why- I didn't mean-" 

"Dean," Cas reached out to touch me but I shook my head and turned and ran from Cas. What the fuck had I just done.


	15. Castiel

I stood there frozen. Dean was kissing me. Dean. Was. Kissing. Me. I didn't know what to do. I had never been kissed before. Oh God. Oh God. This must be a dream. 

Its not a dream, I realize when I close my eyes and return the kiss. Dean's lips were softer than I had imagined and he tasted like something sweet. I let myself sink deeper into the kiss pressing my lips against Dean's. 

As suddenly as the kiss had started Dean was pulling away from me. 

"I'm sorry Cas. I don't know why- I didn't mean-"

"Dean," I reached out to place my hand on Dean's shoulder but he turned away from me and ran. I watched him leave frozen to the spot.

I could feel tears start to form in my eyes. What had just happened? I was confused. Sure I like Dean, I like Dean a lot and being shunned by him for the past two weeks has been hell but, why had Dean done that? Why would he kiss me?

I wiped the tears off my face and went into the school. It was time for math and I didn't want to be crying when I walked in the room. I took a couple deep breaths and walked into the room. 

"Ah, Castiel. It's good to see you." Mr. Padalecki smiled at me. I did my best to smile back, "Hello Mr. Padalecki, how is your wife?" 

"She's good really good. She wants you to come over for dinner again sometime." I nodded, "Perhaps sometime."

"Castiel," Mr. Padalecki stood and walked over to me, "Is there anything you need to talk about?" 

"Mr. Padalecki, I appreciate your concern but I do not think that now is the appropriate time to speak about these things." He nodded, "Would you like to talk about it after school? I have a feeling that Dean won't be at your tutoring session today."

"I feel you may be right." I sighed and walked to my desk in the back of the room. I sat down and pulled out my notebook. 

I took out a pencil and began to sketch. I didn't really have anything in mind when I started drawing but as the face took shape there was a familiar jaw line, short spiky hair, perfect lips, eyes that- wait stop it Castiel. 

I put my pencil down. When did my drawing turn into Dean? Probably when I started it if I was honest with myself.

I looked out the window and stared at the clouds drifting by. Sometimes I wish I could be like a cloud and just drift away from all my problems. Watch as they all slowly just passed by as I floated above them. 

The bell rang and I shoved my sketchbook back in my bag. I stood and grabbed my bag leaving the classroom. I walked down the hallway towards my next class. 

"Well lookie what we have here." I sighed and continued walking. "What's the matter Cassie? Don't feel like being friendly today?" 

"Please leave me be Naomi." Naomi laughed and placed her perfectly manicured hand on my shoulder. "Oh come on Cassie baby, don't be like that. I just wanna talk." 

"I feel like that statement is the beginning of something bad." Naomi laughed, "Oh Castiel you are such a tease." I rolled my eyes and continued walking to my class.

"Where are you going Cassie? I'm not done talking to you yet." Naomi grabbed my shoulders and shoved me into the nearest wall. I groaned, "Naomi what are you doing?" 

"I told you Cassie I wanted to have a little talk with you." Naomi ran her hands along the bottom of my shirt. "Just a little talk."

"Naomi please you are making me very uncomfortable." I grabbed her wrists and pushed her away from me. She looked at me innocently, "What's wrong Cassie? You don't want me to touch you?" She leaned forward and brushed her lips against my cheek.

"Naomi please," I pushed her a little harder and she lost her footing. I let go as she fell, that was my worst mistake. She landed on the ground hard and immediately started crying.

"Naomi please," I leaned down to help her up, "please don't cry." 

"Don't touch me Castiel!" She screamed a little bit louder than necessary. 

"Hey freak! What the fuck are you doing to my girlfriend?" Metatron walked up to me and shoved me into the wall. "Are you OK baby?" Naomi shook her head, "He tried to kiss me babe and then he was trying to get me out of my clothes." 

"He did what!?!" Metatron turned to me his face filled with rage. Naomi gripped his shoulders, crying. 

"That is not true Metatron." 

"Shut it freak." Metatron shoved me into the wall again. I hit my head and felt a headache starting. Then something happened that had never happened before, Metatron punched me. 

I felt my lip break and blood filled my mouth. It didnt stop. He punched me again and again. I tried to break out of his grasp but his grip was tight. The room started spinning, my vision was becoming blurry, and I was feeling lightheaded. 

"Hey what the fuck!" I saw a head of firey read hair pull Naomi off Metatron and punch her in the face. Then blond hair came into my vision pulling Metatron off me and punching him square in the nose. 

"Fuck!" I heard Metatron yell, "You'll pay for this you bitch!" 

"Fucking hit me Metatdouche! I fucking dare you! You fucking lay a fucking finger on me and I will have my Step Dad down here to beat the ever living shit out of you faster than you can tuck your dick in your pants!" 

Naomi was on the ground with blood coming out of her mouth, and Metatron had blood coming out his nose. Without another word he grabbed Naomi and walked off down the hallway. 

"Cas are you OK?" I opened my swollen eyes and saw Charlie bending over me tears in her eyes, "Oh Cas you poor sweet thing." 

"I am alright," I reassured her trying to sit up. I felt lightheaded and leaned back against the wall. 

"Maybe we should take you to the nurse you don't look so good." Charlie gently touched my face and I cringed, "Charlie my face hurts and my head feels kinda funny." 

"Cas you don't look too good," Jo walked over to us and put her hand on my shoulder, "I think we should take you to see the nurse." I nodded and stood up but I stood to fast, my head spun, I felt nauseous, and then I felt myself start to pass out.

"Cas!" Charlie and Jo both screamed and reached out to catch me. I felt their arms wrap around me and then everything went black.


	16. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey just a little note from me to say thank you all so much. Thank you for the kudos. Thank you for the awesome awesome comments. Thank you for even stopping to read it. Thank you thank you thank you a billion times thank you. Your comments are seriously what inspires me to keep writing. 
> 
> I get the biggest smile on my face and it really warms my heart. I know I could not continue to contribute to this story if it weren't for your awesome support. So thank you so so much. I also want to thank my Co author Casgirl176 she is so amazing and I couldn't have done this without her. She is literally the best co author ever. 
> 
> So thank you all so so much you guys are the reason that this is still being written. If it weren't for your support I would have given up. I cannot honestly express how much I love you guys and how much I love reading your comments. You are all so nice and it really just is the best feeling in the world. Thank you all so so so much. It means a lot to me and I love you all.  
> All my love,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel

I got in baby and started driving. I had no idea where I was going and I didn't really care. I just needed far away from there. 

I turned on the radio and tried to drown out my thoughts with the sounds of Metallica. 

'So close no matter how far  
Couldn't be much more from the heart  
Forever trusting who we are  
And nothing else matters' 

I groaned and shut the radio off. That was not helping. I sped off down a dirt road and some how ended up outside of the Roadhouse. 

I ran my hand through my hair and got out of my car. Making sure she was locked I went inside.

"Dean!" Ellen smiled warmly at me from behind the bar. Ellen Harvelle had married my Dad's best friend our "Uncle" Bobby a few years ago. The wedding was crazy. Ash got drunk and decided to strip on the roadhouse bar while Jo was chasing him trying to get her panties off his head.

I smiled at the memory and walked up to the bar, "Hey Ellen."

"What are you doing here kid? Shouldn't you be in school?" I shook my head, "I just have a lot on my mind right now. I couldn't concentrate so I left." 

"I see," Ellen turned around and grabbed a glass. She set it in front of me and poured me a drink. "So what's been troubling you?" 

"Ah, just teenage stuff." I took a drink, "Really Ellen? A Shirley temple? Come on give me some alcohol." She shook her head, "No can do boy. It's still before 8 p.m. and you know my rules. If you're drinking I don't want to know about it." 

"Kill joy," I sighed but took another drink. I actually liked Shirley temples, I just liked them more with alcohol in them. Ellen leaned on the counter, "Look, you don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to but, if you do I'm right here and I'll listen." 

I nodded and looked at the wood of the bar. There was still a scratch there from when I got in a fight with some punk named Crowley. I sighed, "Ellen I really just don't know what's going on with me." 

"What do you mean?" I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands, "I'm.....confused."

"Dean you're a teenager. If you told me that you were anything but confused I would be concerned." I chuckled, "I really just....probably shouldn't talk about this." 

"It's your choice. I won't make you talk, I'm just here to listen." She turned and grabbed a beer for a guy that had just walked in. It was still too early for a rush so maybe I had time to tell Ellen what was going on. But did I really want to? Would it be better if I just kept it to myself? If I went to school tomorrow and pretended that nothing happened? Pretended that I didn't have a crush on my friend? Would that really be fair to Cas? Did he even like me back? I mean he kissed me back but that doesn't mean he likes me. Does it? 

Ellen walked back over to me, "Look kid I ain't stupid. Something is bothering you bad and you want to talk about it. So just spit it out."

"I fucked up Ellen." I ran my hand through my hair, "I mean I've fucked up a lot before but this time I've really fucked up bad." 

"Well what did you do?" I sighed, "Well I really like this gu- person, and I hurt their feelings really bad. So today I tried to apologize and I ended up kissing them. I don't even know if they like me back. I'm just a jerk."

"Well you got that right." 

"What?" Ellen leaned towards me, "Listen kid, you're an ass and you'll always be an ass just like your Daddy."

"Well thank you for that that really helps." She flicked me, "Don't interrupt me boy. As I was saying, you're an ass and so is your dad. So just like your Dad if you like this person you're gonna have to be yourself." 

"But you said I'm an ass how does that help me?" 

"You're an ass Dean but there's more to you than that. So you kissed em did they kiss back?" I nodded, "Well that probably means they like you too. Don't think about it too much kid. Just let things fall into place. Apologize, talk to them, try to work things out, and try to be less of an ass." 

"Well thank you for that pep talk Ellen." I drank the rest of my Shirley Temple then stood to leave. "Do you need any help tonight?" 

"Nah take the night off sort your head out." I smiled and kissed her on the cheek, "Bye Ellen." 

"See you later kid." I left the roadhouse and got back in my car. I glanced at my watch, it was almost time to go pick up Sam. So I put her in drive and headed towards the middle school. 

I pulled up to the curb outside the doors and parked. I wasn't sure when I had fallen asleep but the next thing I knew Sam was slamming the door.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Sammy don't slam the door. Baby is a sensitive car and she needs to be treated gently." Sam rolled his eyes, "Whatever jerk. Can we just go home?" 

"No. What's with the attitude? Are you having your period or something Samantha?"

"Just take me home." Sam crossed his arms and looked out the window. I started the car and got ready to drive away. Sam was staring out the window so I followed his eyes to see what he was staring at. Of course it was Sarah but she was standing real close to some kid.

She looked at Sam, Sam looked at the floor. "Can we please just go?" 

"Who's that guy that Sarah is with?" 

"Nobody just take me home." I shook my head, "No. Seriously Sam what's going on? Who is that punk?" Sam sighed and looked at his hands, "His name is Raphael. He's Sarah's boyfriend." 

"Sarah has a boyfriend?" 

"Apparently." 

"Then why did she kiss you?" Sam shrugged, "Heck if I know, girls don't make any sense." I looked at Sam then I looked back out the window at Sarah and Raphael. Sarah was looking at Sam the same way Cas looked at me. That thought hurt but it was the truth.

Raphael put his arm around Sarah's shoulder and she shoved it off. Maybe Raphael wasn't her boyfriend. 

"Sam I don't think Raphael is Sarah's boyfriend." Sam scoffed, "Yeah he is Dean. Every time I would go near her today he would put his arm around her and walk away." 

"Sam look," I pointed out the window, "She looks at you the way Ca- the way I look at pie. Seriously dude I just watched her shove Raphael's arm off of her shoulder. Why would she do that if he was her boyfriend?" 

"I don't know Dean maybe they had a fight or something! I don't know! Just take me home I'm depressed and I have homework." I sighed and turned to drive away but there was a knock on the window. 

Sam and I both turned to look out his window. It was Sarah. Sam looked at the floor, I rolled the window down, "Can I help you miss?" 

"Sam can I talk to you for a minute?" Sam looked at me and I gestured for him to go, "I'll wait here." He got out of the car and they stepped to the side to talk.

I watched the conversation not able to hear what was being said. Sarah looked like she was pleading with Sam and Sam looked cold and hurt. Then Sarah said something that made Sam raise his eyebrows. He looked shocked and she looked relieved. The conversation seemed happier after that and before Sam came back to the impala Sarah grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him down placing a kiss on his cheek.

Sam got in the impala smiling and blushing. I coughed, "So what was that about?" 

"Raphael isn't Sarah's boyfriend." Sam blushed more and looked at his hands, "He's her cousin." I laughed, "Really? Her cousin? And you thought?" 

"Shut up jerk! She told me that the only reason he kept putting his arm around her was because he didn't think I looked respectable enough to date her." 

"Respectable enough?" I scoffed, "Really? Why would he think that?" 

"She said it was my hair." 

"Ah that makes sense." I pulled away from the school, "So all is well now?"

"Not entirely," Sam sighed, "she invited me to come to dinner at her house this Friday so that Raphael can properly judge my character." I smiled "Sounds like a ton of fun Sammy. I hope you enjoy your dinner." Sam rolled his eyes and looked out the window. 

I chuckled and turned the radio on. We spent the rest of the ride listening to Metallica. I wish things could be this easy between me and Cas. If only I hadn't run away earlier. I am such an idiot. I shook my head, I had really messed up this time. Way to go Dean. I sighed, I would fix this tomorrow. I would go up to Cas and apologize and tell him how I feel. I can fix this. Hopefully. 

I pulled in the driveway and parked the impala in the garage. Sam and I got out and went inside, "Mom we're home!"

"I'm in the kichten!" I walked in the kitchen and gave mom a kiss on the cheek, "Hey mom need help with dinner?" She smiled, "Are you offering to help Dean?" 

"No I was volunteering Sammy."

"Hey! I have homework you jerk!" Mom laughed, "Its alright thank you but I don't need any help." I shrugged, "Alright I'll be in my room being a bum." 

"OK dear, I'll let you know when dinner's ready." I ruffled Sam's hair as I walked out of the kitchen. He smacked my arm with a frown on his face. I went up the stairs into my room. I flopped in my desk chair and grabbed my guitar. 

I strummed a chord and sang, "Lonely boy I see you." I picked at my guitar for a few minutes not really playing anything. Then words filled my mind I grabbed a notebook and started writing. Next thing I know I had written another song. 

I picked up my guitar and started to play the new tune. Then I started singing:

" I see you sitting there  
Your face a blank stare  
Looking out the window  
I see the pain you hide  
Its in your blue eyes  
And I just want to know  
What makes you smile  


Is it the birds in the skies  
Is it the bees on the flowers  
Is it the way that the breeze blows through the trees  
Is it the way that the sun shines through the clouds  
Is it the blue sky that's in your eyes  
What makes you smile

I watch you walking by  
Nobody says hi  
You're invisible  
I see the tears you cry  
When I'm walking by  
To me you're not invisible  
And I just want to know  
What makes you smile

Is it the words on the pages  
or the notes in a song  
is it the sum of each equation that you don't get wrong is it the look that I give you as I'm walking by  
Is it the way your eyes outshine the stars  
What makes you smile

I could be the reason  
I could be the one to make you smile  
Would you let me in  
Would you let me be the reason  
Can I make you smile  
Can I make you smile

Can you look in my eyes and see how much I care  
With the touch of my hand can I make you understand  
Will you look at my smile and know its cause of you  
Will you let me show you how you make me feel  
Can I make you smile  
I wanna make you smile  
Let me be the reason that you smile."

"Dean!" I jumped and glared at Sam. He laughed, "Mom says dinner's ready." 

"Thanks bitch." Sam stuck his tongue out at me and I threw a pencil at him. He ran down the hallway laughing. I got up and set my guitar down. I walked to the bathroom and washed my hands before heading down to the dining room for dinner.

"Hello Dean." My father greeted me as I walked in the room. I nodded, "Good evening sir." 

"Go help your mother set the table."

"Yes sir." I walked over to mom and grabbed the stack of plates from her. "Thank you Dean." She smiled and I smiled back.

Soon the table was set and we were all ready for dinner. The table was silent as we passed food around filling our plates. 

"So," Dad broke the silence, "how was your day dear?" Mom smiled, "My day was good. The diner wasn't nearly as busy as usual so it was a slow day. Very relaxed. How about you Dean?" 

"My day was fine. School is school. Ellen gave me the night off and I don't have practice tonight because finals are tomorrow and everyone wants to study. How about you Sam?" Sam swallowed, "My day was great! I aced my math test. Kevin and I had the best science project. I aced my pop quiz in literature and Sarah invited me to her house for dinner Friday." 

"Oh?" Dad questioned. Sam looked at his plate, "That is, with your permission sir." Dad scratched his chin, "Its up to your mother." 

"Can I mom?" Sam looked at Mom with the puupy eyes. Mom smiled, "Of course you can Sam." Sam grinned, "Thank you Mom, and Dad." 

The table fell silent again. Then Sam cleared his throat, "So Dean what's her name?" I choked on my food, "What are you talking about?" 

"That song that you wrote? The new one? It sounds like its about someone you like. So I was just curious, what's her name." All eyes were on me, "It's nobody Sam. It's just a song it doesn't have to be about anybody. Single people write love songs all the time." 

"Yes but usually when you write a song its about someone you care about.". 

"It's not. Its nothing just drop it Sam."

"Why are you being so defensive? I just asked a question?"

"I'm done with this conversation." I shoved food in my mouth to show how done with talking I was. Sam dropped it and we had a normal dinner after that. Dad told us about his day, mom talked about her newest project, and Sam babbled about Sarah.

I sat there and thought about what I was going to say to Cas. 'Sorry for kissing you' made it sound like I didn't want to. 'I think I like you but I'm confused about it because we're both guys' was kinda rude. OK it was really rude. 'I think about you when I go to sleep' was too stalkerish. 'I write songs about you' also stalkerish.

I sighed and finished my pie. "May I be excused?" 

"Sure honey, don't forget to take your dishes to the sink." 

"Yes ma'am." I stood from the table and took my dishes to the sink. I rinsed them and put them in the sink.

"Goodnight everybody." 

"Goodnight honey." 

"Goodnight jerk."

"Goodnight son." I went upstairs to my room and got ready for bed. I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. 

"Sweetie?" Mom knocked on my door, "Are you awake?" 

"Yeah Mom." She opened the door and came in. "I just want to make sure you're doing OK." 

"I'm fine, thanks for checking." I rolled over and faced the wall. She placed her hand on my back and rubbed small circles.

"Do you remember when you were little and I used to do this? You would always curl up in my lap and ask me to sing to you. And I would rub your back and sing to you. And you would tell me what was bothering you. And I would give you advice. Then you would lay there and I would sing till you fell asleep. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah, I remember." She sighed, "Now that you're grown up you don't tell me what bothers you anymore. You just bottle it all inside and carry the weight on your shoulders. You're so hard on yourself Dean. And its hard for me as a mother to just stand there and watch you beat yourself up about everything. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You're a good son Dean a really good son and I love you no matter what." 

I rolled over and looked at her, "I love you too mom." She leaned down and kissed my forehead, "Just remember that I'm here if you need to talk. Don't keep your feelings bottled up forever Dean, cause one day you'll explode." She stood and turned to leave. I grabbed her wrist, "Hey mom?" 

"Yes dear?" 

"Could you sing to me?" She smiled and sat back down on my bed. "Of course love." I laid my head in her lap and she rubbed my back as she sang 'Hey Jude.' I thought about Cas and how I was going to make things right as I drifted off to sleep with my mother's voice filling my head.


	17. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> We are deeply apologetic for the delay on this chapter. There were some issues going on in both our lives that prevented an earlier update. We seriously are really sorry. Chapter 18 will be up asap. Keep the comments and the kudos coming we really appreciate them! Hope this chapter was worth the delay! Again we are really sorry! 
> 
> Much love,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176

I slowly opened my eyes. My head was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up. I tried to sit up but it made me really dizzy which made my head hurt more. I groaned.

"Hey don't try to get up." I looked around and saw the school nurse standing next to me. "You've had a rough day son you just need to lie down and let me take care of ya." 

"No I need to get home," I tried to sit up again slower this time, "My father doesn't like it when I am tardy." 

"No, you need a hospital visit son." She pushed me back down on the cot. I sighed and ran my hands over my face. My face hurt. I looked at myself in the mirror hanging on the back of the door. I had a black eye, a bruise on my jaw, a cut under my eye, and a split lip. I probably had a lot of bruises on my chest too. 

"Excuse me ma'am?" 

"You don't have to call me ma'am just call me Missouri." I nodded, "Yes ma'am, I mean Missouri. What exactly happened? I do not really remember much of today." 

"Well son, Jo Harvelle and Charlie Bradbury brought you to me unconscious. They told me that you were being beat on by that Metatron punk and they stepped in. So I cleaned up your face and let you rest. But now that you're awake you need to go get an xray for a concussion I don't like how long you were passed out for." 

"No I can't I have to get home. How long was I unconscious?" She shrugged, "Half hour maybe?" 

"A half an hour! I have got to get home!" I stood from the cot quickly, a little too quickly. My head started to ache and the room was spinning. My eyes got blurry and the last thing I remember was Missouri wrapping her arms around me so I wouldn't hit the floor.

The second time I woke up I was in a strange bed. It was stiff and the blankets were itchy. I slowly opened my eyes. I'm in the hospital. Shit shit shit! This is not good. Fuck! I sat sat up quickly and the room spun. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing. 

'Breathe Castiel, breathe. In, out, in, out.' It only took a couple seconds for my breathing to be normal. I slowly opened my eyes again and assessed my situation.

I was in the hospital. I was attached to a heart monitor and an intravenous drip. Somehow my clothes had been taken off me and I was only wearing a short sleeved light blue hospital gown. It was extremely thin material and I shivered as the warmth was sucked away from my body. 

I pushed the blanket off. I had to get home. Just then a nurse walked in the room. I froze my feet halfway to the floor. She smirked, "Trying to make your great escape?" 

"Um," 

"Get back in the bed." I quickly obeyed. I could tell this nurse was not someone that you'd want to mess with. She was wearing a black uniform with a name tag that read Meg Masters. Her curly brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her face looked kind despite the tone of her voice. 

"So thought you could get away Clarence?" I looked at her confused, "My name is not Clarence." She shrugged, "Easier to remember than Castiel." 

"But you obviously remember my name you just said it." She pressed her finger to my lips, "Don't talk anymore Clarence I can't do my job with you distracting me." I opened my mouth to say something but she shushed me. I closed my mouth and laid down on the bed. I watched her in silence as she looked at the monitors and wrote things down on a clipboard.

"What are you doing?" 

"Checking your vitals."

"Are you going to take my blood pressure and listen to my heart or are you just checking the monitors so that you have less work to do?" She looked up at me, "What exactly do you know about checking vitals?" I shrugged, "Just what I've read about in books." 

"Then shut your mouth. Reading about how to do something and actually doing it every day are two totally different things." 

"Be that as it may I still know that you are supposed to take my blood pressure if you are taking my vitals." She groaned, "Would it make you feel better if I took your blood pressure?" I nodded. She sighed and grabbed the blood pressure cuff. She held out her free hand, "Give me your arm." 

"On second thought this is pointless never mind." I pulled my arms into my chest protectively. Meg rolled her eyes, "Oh please Clarence I already saw your cuts." 

"I-you-what?" She chuckled a little bit, "Who do you think undressed you? It had to have been someone. The tooth fairy didn't do it." I felt a shiver of fear pass through my body, "You won't tell anyone will you?" 

"Doctor patient confidentiality laws dictate that its illegal for me to disclose information without consent. But..." 

"But?" 

"There may have been times I ignored the rules for the greater good of the patient." She looked at me pointedly. I took a deep breath, "Please don't tell anyone. Please." She leaned in closer and opened her mouth to say something as the doctor burst through the door. 

"We'll talk later Clarence." She stepped away from my bed and walked up to the doctor. "His vitals are stable but I think we should keep him for overnight observation make sure his brain isn't all messed up." The doctor nodded and looked at the clipboard. He studied it for a minute then looked up at Meg, "I want him to get a CT scan and then we'll go from there." Meg grabbed the clipboard, "I'll let them know to get the machine ready." She gestured for me to hide my arms then left the room.

"Good evening Mr. Novak," the doctor walked up to me and extended his hand, "My name is Dr. Roman but you can call me Dick." I gripped his hand and shook it, "Good evening sir." 

"Please just call me Dick. I like to speak with my patients on a personal basis."

"Yes sir, I mean Dick." Dick smiled, "Good. Now here's what we are going to do: I want you to get a CT scan so that we can check on your brain and make sure everything is fine up there. Then depending on what we find in the scan we want to keep you overnight for observation just to make sure that everything is functioning fine. Does that all make sense to you?" I nodded, "So after my CT scan will I be getting an MRI done as well? Are you running any blood work?" 

"Ah, I see you know some medical procedures. Very impressive, however it is none of your concern what other tests we may or may not be running considering the fact that you are a minor. Your father however will be kept informed." I paled, "Is my father here?" Dick grinned and it gave me the chills, "Oh yes, he's here would you like to see him? He's been dying to get in this room since he got here." 

"I-"

"I thought you would, I'll send him in." And with that he turned and left the room. I quickly hid my arms under the blankets. My father walked in the room with a scowl on his face. I gulped and prepared for the worst. 

"Son," he said barely above a whisper, "What have you done?" I took a deep breath, "It was not my fault Father. I told the nurse that-"

"Enough!" I quickly clamped my mouth shut. He rubbed his face with his hand, "Good God child I don't want to hear your excuses. Can't you just for once own up to your own mistakes? Why do you always have an excuse?" I bit my lip holding back tears. My father rolled his eyes and groaned, "You are so useless." He sat down in the chair across the room. 

I laid back on my bed and pulled the blanket up to my chin. I let the tmachine's silently down my cheeks. The room was plagued in silence as I waited for the nurse to come back. It seemed like forever but she finally came back with a wheelchair.

"Alright Clarence they're ready for you. Ready to go get your brain turned to radioactive mush?" I harshly wiped the tears off my face, "Yes ma'am I'm ready." 

"Oh please," she set her hand on my shoulder, "you can call me Meg." I smiled a little, "Yes ma'am." She rolled her eyes, "We'll just be a few minutes." 

I got out of my bed and sat in the wheelchair. I hugged my arms to my chest to keep them hidden. Meg pushed the wheelchair out of my room and I heard the sounds of the television coming from my room. 

"So glad to be out of that room," Meg sighed, "The atmosphere was suffocating me. You okay Clarence?" 

"I would rather not talk about it." I hugged myself tightly as I felt a chill. Meg noticed, "You need a blanket?" I nodded. She stopped at one of the blanket warmers in the hallway and pulled one out for me. I cautiously grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders making sure to keep my arms hidden. 

"You know if you didn't do that to yourself you wouldn't have to hide all the time." 

"I would rather not talk about this with a complete stranger if you don't mind." 

"Listen to me Clarence," Meg stopped the wheelchair and stood in front of me, "You need to talk to someone about this. Keeping this a secret, keeping it bottled up inside, you're going to snap and that always ends one of two ways. End game one: you end up stitched up in the hospital psych ward for a few years. End game two: you kill yourself. Now I don't know you very well but I can tell that you're smart and you're going places in life. Don't keep this to yourself Clarence, take it from someone who knows firsthand what you're going through." 

She walked back around the wheelchair and started pushing it down the hallway again. I pulled the blanket around me tighter, "What do you mean knows firsthand?" 

"That's a story for another time. We've already wasted enough time here." The rest of the trip was in silence. She pushed me down a couple hallways and finally into a very cold room with a CT machine in the middle of it. Meg pushed the wheelchair up to the edge of the machine's bed.

"Alright Clarence this is where I leave you. But don't worry I'm leaving you with Ruby, she's the best in the business. I'll meet you back at your room in a while." I nodded and she left. Shortly after Meg left a short woman with long brown hair came in the room, "You Castiel Novak?" 

"Yes ma'am."

"Good, My name is Ruby. Now this is a very simple procedure, you climb on the table, I'll start up the machine, it'll tell you when to take a deep breath and when to breathe, don't blink, the thing will whril around a few times, take some pictures of the inside of your head, then we'll be done and I'll take you back to your room. Any questions?" I shook my head. "Good now get up on the table and lay down straight." 

I did what she asked and slowly climbed on to the table fighting dizziness. I laid my arms down next to my sides so that she couldn't see my cuts. She walked away from me behind a collapsible wall. I laid in silence waiting for something to happen.

"Alright, I'm gonna start the machine now just pay attention to the blinky lights and you'll do fine." I laid still and paid close attention to the 'blinky lights' like ruby told me. It was painless and over very soon. 

"Alright looks good kid, let's get you back to your room." I climbed back into the wheelchair and Ruby pushed me back to my room. 

"Looks like you had a pretty nasty fall huh kid?" 

"What do you mean?" Ruby sighed, "I mean your arm, you got some pretty nasty looking scrapes on there." I gulped, "Yeah it was a pretty bad fall but there's only minimal damage. I will be fine in a few days." Ruby squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, "You're a real trooper kid." 

"Thank you," I whispered. As we got closer to my room I could hear the sounds of a fight that was trying to be kept quite.

"You don't care about him! You haven't cared about him since the accident!"

"You shut your mouth Gabriel Alexander! You don't know what you're talking about! I do care about Castiel I've always cared about him he's my son!"

"Oh come on James, you don't care about him."

"And I suppose you do huh? You the almighty Gabriel! God's gift to man Gabriel! Left his family to run a candy shop and be with a painted whore!"

"Don't you dare talk about Kali like that! Don't you fucking dare!"

"Don't curse at me young man!"

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want! You're not in charge of me anymore James. I'm an adult now. You can't tell me what to do."

"Don't call me James young man. I am still your father and I demand your respect!"

"Respect? Respect?!? Fuck you James you don't deserve respect! The way you treat Castiel is utter bullshit! Stop blaming him for an accident just fucking stop!" 

"Why you disrespectful-" Ruby cleared her throat, "Excuse me gentlemen but I think that's enough of that thank you very much." Both dad and Gabriel looked at Ruby and I. I looked at them both. Gabriel was the first to speak, "Cassie, how are you feeling?" I didn't say anything I just got back in my hospital bed and hid my cut up arms under the blankets.

"Thank you for bringing me back Ruby." She smiled, "You're welcome, the nurse should be back soon and the doctor will come in as soon as we look over the scans."

"And how long will that take? I do have things to do besides being stuck in this hospital." Ruby glared at my father, "Not sure. But you know that we want to keep him overnight for observation right?" My Father rubbed his temples like he had a headache, "Fine." Ruby glared at him again and then she left. 

Gabriel walked over to the chair by my bed and sat in it. I rolled over and faced the wall. Gabriel sighed, "Hey little brother, how are you feeling?" I shrugged, "I have a headache and I cannot sit up without being dizzy. Other than that I feel wonderful."

"Was that sarcasm Cassie?" Gabriel placed a hand on my shoulder, "I've missed you little brother." I smiled, "I've missed you too Gabriel." Gabriel squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. 

"Gabriel I want you to leave." Gabriel and I both looked at our father. Gabriel scoffed, "No. I don't want to leave. Castiel is my little brother and I'm concerned about his health." 

"Do not talk back to me young man! You don't belong here. You are not part of this family anymore. You gave that up when you left and disobeyed me."

"You know what? Fuck you!" 

"Do not curse at me!"

"Fucking make me stop. I fucking dare you." 

"ENOUGH!" They stopped fighting and looked at me, "Can you two just please get along? My head is pounding and you are both so insensitive to stand there and fight? Please leave. I-i want to be alone." 

"Cassie-" 

"Castiel you cannot tell me to leave I am your father."

"Maybe he can't but I can." Meg stepped into the room, "The patient wants to be left alone and he needs his rest. I'm gonna have to ask you two to leave or I will call security." My father glared at her but left without another word. Gabriel opened his mouth to say something, closed it, then opened it agian. Meg rolled her eyes, "Get out of here hot shot." Gabriel looked at me again and then left.

"Thank you Meg," I whispered. She shrugged, "Eh, its no big deal. They were being douches anyways." 

"Still thank you. Not many people stick up for me like that." Meg sat in the chair that had been previously occupied by Gabriel. She sat there cross legged and placed her hand in her chin, "So you ready to talk to me about that yet?" I looked at my blankets, "I really do not feel comfortable sharing that information with you." 

"Alright fine I'll go first." She sat up straighter and put her arm in front of me, "This scar," she pointed to a small scar on her wrist that was barely visible, "this was my first cut. Now you see when I was younger my mother dated an alcoholic man. He used to come home drunk and smack us around a little bit. No big deal I could take it. But when he called me names like worthless, useless, mistake, those are the things that always got to me." 

"So one day I had had enough and I picked up a piece of broken glass and cut my wrist. It felt so good like I was finally in control of something in my life. I continued to cut myself like that for years. Then one day I came home from school and he was screaming things at me, things that I care to not repeat. I was so distraught that I ran to my room and locked the door. I had had enough of his bullshit. So I grabbed my trusty pocket knife that I had bought a while back for cutting. So this," she pointed to a bigger, longer scar on her wrist right on her vein, "this scar is my attempted suicide scar. I cut deeper that day than I ever had before and it hurt like a bitch. I lost a lot of blood and I passed out." 

"I woke up in the hospital with my cut all stichted up. Then this crazy ass nurse came into my room and lectured the shit out of me. Like seriously she was pissed the fuck off. And that's when I decided that I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to be the person who yelled at stupid people when they tried to kill themselves and ended up in the hospital instead. I wanted to be the one to help those kids get through it like I did. Did I stop cutting right away? Fuck no. It took me years to stop cutting myself but once I did I was glad that I did. Stopping is hard but not impossible. And now I'm a better person for it." 

"That is an incredible story Meg." I traced the more prominent scar, the one she called her attempted suicide scar. She nodded, "Now its time for you to spill. Why do you do this to yourself Clarence? What is so bad that you have to hurt yourself to feel better?" I took a deep breath.

"When I was little it was just me, my mother, my father, my older brother Gabriel. I can remember one night I had a nightmare and I woke up and went in my parents room. I tried to wake my father up and when I did he got mad at me and told me to grow up. I slept under my parents bed that night. I was only 6. Then Gabriel started taking care of me. I would have nightmares and he would come in my room and make sure that I was alright the rest of the night. Gabriel and I were very close. At first I thought that my father just was not a very physical person, but after the accident." I stopped talking and looked at my hands.

"Go on." I had no idea why I was telling Meg my life story. It wasn't her business but for whatever reason she just seemed laid back, easy to talk to. 

"When I was 14 my mother and I were taking a road trip. Gabriel was in his second year at college. Mother wanted to visit him. So Christmas break she and I went down to visit him on campus. It was a wonderful time and a memory that I will always cherish." 

"On the way back home mother was extremely tired. I told her we should probably pull over but she insisted she was fine. Neither of us saw the semi and he didn't see the black ice. Mother died on impact. I had a few fractured ribs a broken wrist and a slight concussion. Everybody said it was just an accident, everybody but my father. Ever since the accident my father has blamed me. He curses at me and tells me it was my fault. Every. Single. Day. He tells me how worthless I am and how I should've been the one to die and how I killed the love of his life. Then," I choked back tears. Meg pat my shoulder, "Let it all out Clarence." 

"Then every Sunday the bastard stands at the pulpit and preaches about love and forgiveness. He stands there and pretends that nothing is wrong. He stands there and lies about everything. Fucking hypocrite. So I cut because I feel in control. I feel like its my punishment for letting my mother die. I feel utterly worthless. And then to make things worse I go to school and get bullied because I'm a failure. Because I like boys instead of girls. Because I'm different I don't fit in so they beat me up instead of trying to help me. So I cut because its the only thing that I can do." 

"Who knows?" I sighed and wiped tears off my face, "No one just you and..." Meg squeezed my hand, "And?" 

"And Dean." 

"Who's Dean?" I took a shaky breath, "Dean is my friend. Or rather he was." 

"What do you mean he was?"

"A couple weeks ago Dean walked in on me cutting myself. He was so shocked and confused he didn't know what to say. So he left. He wouldn't talk to me after that but then my cousin Anna went to see his band perform and she recorded this song that he wrote and it was about me. Like he didn't say it was but if you listened to the lyrics and knew our situation you'd know it was about me. So that made me confused. Why wouldn't he talk to me but he would write a song about me? So he still wouldn't talk to me until today." 

"Today he found me and tried to apologize and we ended up fighting and then he kissed me and that made me even more confused. I had literally been crushing on him since we met and I knew he was straight but then he kisses me? How am I supposed to react to that? After he kissed me he left and then I got beat up by Metatron and that's why I'm here." Meg shook her head, "You live one crazy messed up life Clarence. But I'll tell you this, you don't have to harm yourself to be in control. There are other things you could do. I'm not gonna have them put you in CAPS like I want to but I encourage you to find another outlet. Also go after this Dean guy I think he might like you and he's just confused too. Things will get better Clarence they always do." 

"I'll keep that in mind the next time my Father is calling me worthless." 

"Was that sarcasm?" I smiled, "Maybe." Meg punched my arm and stood up, "Watch it Clarence I control your IV drip." I chuckled and she walked over to the door, "Doc should be in with results soon, in the meantime I'll go and distract your deadbeat dad." 

"Thank you Meg." She smiled and walked out of the room. I laid back on the bed, my headache slightly less severe. A few minutes later Dr. Roman came in.

"So Castiel we have good news for you. The good news is we are keeping you overnight for observation, we found something that looks questionable. We think it might be minor swelling on your brain tissue so we want to take a peak at it again first thing in the morning." 

"How is that good news Doctor?" Dick smiled, "I try to keep everything on a positive note. There is no bad news in my department. All news is good news. In the meantime I'm gonna have the nurse start you on a drip of morphine to lessen the pain that you're in. Should be here in a jiffy." He smiled again and left the room.

I groaned, " Why oh why do I get stuck with the crazy doctor?" I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling until Meg came back in. 

"Alright Dr. Roman wants me to start you on some morphine. It'll probably make you tired so just go to sleep. I'll be in every so often to wake you up and make sure you're not dead."

"That is incredibly reassuring thank you." Meg grinned, "No problem, if you need anything just press the call button and I'll be here as soon as I can." With that she left the room. It took about five minutes but the morphine did make me tired and before I knew it I was asleep.


	18. Dean

I nervously tapped my pencil against my desk. I glanced at the clock, back to my paper, now the empty desk next to me.

'Cas where are you?' It wasn't like Cas to be late for school, that wasn't who he was. 'Come on Cas.' 

I glanced at the clock again. Fifteen minutes late. Yeah that definitely was unusual. 'Where is he?'

I shook my head and looked at my paper. 'Gotta concentrate Dean. You've studied for this you need to pass.' Fuck if finals weren't a bitch though. The longer I look at the paper the less anything seemed to make sense.

I answered a few of the questions that I knew, then I was back to staring at the clock, the empty desk, the classroom door. 'Damn it Cas.' I dropped my pencil onto my desk. It was going to be a long fucking day.

 

"Damn I nearly didn't make it out alive! I swear!" Chuck plopped down on the school steps, "I mean really who needs to know that stuff?"

"Anyone who wants to make it to college," Ash sat down next to Chuck, "Come on man it wasn't that hard." Chuck scoffed, "Easy for you to say Mr. MIT everybody already knows how bad they want you." Ash chuckled, "What can I say? When you got it you got it."

"Shut up Ash or the only thing you'll have is my fist in your face." Jo walked up and sat on the steps next to Ash.

"Well someone's on their period," Ash scoffed scooting away from Jo.

"She's not on her period Ash," Charlie walked out of the school doors, stretching, "She's tired because she spent all night studying for these stupid finals with me." I chuckled as I leaned against the wall by the door, "You guys are something else." 

"Shut up Winchester or you'll get my fist in your face too." I laughed and glanced at Charlie, "What is on your arms Charlie?"

"Tally marks." 

"Why?" She shrugged, "It's a Doctor Who thing Dean." 

"Doctor who?" Charlie rolled her eyes while Chuck and Ash laughed, "I really need to educate you in good television Dean."

"Hey I watch good television! Star trek is very good television." 

"Be that as it may you need a wider variety of TV shows to watch." I shrugged, "Whatever I don't have time for TV Charlie you know that." She sighed defeated and I walked up to her, "I promise I will come over to your house and watch your weird nerd shows with you when I have time OK?" 

"I knew you would," she smiled and hugged me. I hugged her back, "Yeah yeah shut up." I playfully shoved her away from me and sat on the steps next to Jo.

"Hey Jo Jo." She glared at me, "Don't call me that Dean. I'm not in the mood." I held an arm out, "Come here." She rolled her eyes but scooted into my side anyways. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, "You need to loosen up a little bit Jo."

"Dean I'm tired."

"So sleep. We don't have any more tests today right?" She nodded, "Well there you go take a nap I'll wake you up in time for you to get home before Ellen does." 

"Don't do it Jo! Dean is the least likely person to wake you up on time." 

"Shut your mouth Ash! Despite what you think I am responsible." Ash scoffed, "I'll believe that when I see it." I picked up a nearby stick and threw it at him, "Asshole!" He ducked and the stick missed.

"You missed Winchester. No wonder you didn't make the football team."

"Screw you Ash." Ash laughed and I rolled my eyes. Charlie sat on the steps next to me and I wrapped my free arm around her shoulder. She snuggled into my side and sighed contentedly. I could hear Jo's soft snores and I smiled.

"How can she sleep when its so cold outside," Charlie shivered. 

"No idea. Jo could sleep outside in a blizzard and still be warm in the morning." 

"True." I smiled but it quickly turned to a frown, "Hey Charlie?" 

"Yeah?"

"Did you see Cas today? I haven't seen him all morning and its unusual for him to miss school. Especially since today is the last day of finals." 

"Oh god Dean!" Charlie sat up and looked at me, "I forgot to tell you! I thought Jo would but I guess she forgot too."

"Forgot to tell me what Charlie?" A few flakes of snow started falling landing in Charlie's bright red hair. She cringed, "Please don't be mad at me."

"Charlie I'm not gonna be mad at you. Just tell me whatever it is you forgot to tell me." She looked at her hands, "Well yesterday me and Jo were getting ready to leave the school and we were walking down the hallway. We were talking about jell-o and how weird it is ya know? Its like eatable rubber that tastes like fruit. Like was the guy that figured out the recipe for that on crack at the time or what? I mean have you ever really thought about Jell-o?"

"Charlie! You're rambling." Charlie blushed, "Sorry Dean. Anyways we were discussing the jell-o thing and we saw Metadouche hitting Cas in the hallway ahead of us." I clenched my fists, "He what?" 

"Don't interrupt. So anyways Jo and I were pissed. So we ran down the hallway and I punched his slut girlfriend and Jo pulled him off Cas and punched him in the face. I think she broke his nose to be honest. It was pretty awesome. So we helped Cas to his feet but he was hurt real bad and he passed out. So we carried him to the nurses office and Miss Missouri helped us get him on the cot. We stayed there for a little while. We wanted to stay till he woke up so that we could make sure he was OK but Ellen called and she was pretty mad that Jo wasn't home and hadn't called so we had to leave. I went and talked to Missouri earlier this morning though. She told me that Cas had been taken to the hospital with a possible concussion. I guess he must still be there or something. You remember that time I got a concussion after I fell off the stage at that bar?" 

"Charlie you jumped off the stage. You were trying to crowd surf and nobody caught you." She shrugged, "Anyways I had to stay in the hospital for two days just because they wanted to be sure I was OK. So that's probably where he is now."

"I swear to God the next time I see that douche bag Metatron I'll kill him." I looked at Charlie, "Isn't there any way for you to get more information from the nurse? Like whether he's still in the hospital? Or what hospital?"

"No only his family gets that information Dean." 

"Wait who are we killing?" Ash interjected he and Chuck had been playing go fish.

"Mind your own business Ash." Chuck cleared his throat, "I don't think we should kill anyone." 

"Shut up Chuck." Ash threw his cards on the stair, "I'm serious Dean who are we killing?" I shrugged, "Should've been listening closer Ash."

"Dean's going to kill Metadouche because he beat up Castiel for no reason." Charlie blurted. I turned and glared at her. 

"What?" I shook my head, and looked at Ash ready to give him a piece of my mind. I paused with my mouth open and looked at the tree behind Ash. I grinned, "Speak of the devil and he shall appear." Ash turned around to look where I was looking.

Metatron, Naomi, Alastair, and Cain were all walking on the sidewalk coming towards us. Charlie grabbed my shoulder, "Don't do anything stupid Dean." 

"Oh Charlie," I flashed a smile at her, "why would you think that I would do something stupid?" I got up careful not to wake up Jo and walked down the stairs.

"Dean wait!" I ignored Charlie, "Hey Metadouche!" Metatron looked up at me glaring, "What did you just call me Winchesjerk?" Metatron's posse all laughed. 

"Yeah haha good one," I glared at Metatron, "really fucking funny. Did you come up with that all on your own?" 

"As a matter of fact I did. What the fuck do you want Deanie weanie? You're wasting my time." 

"You mother-," I grabbed Metatron by his collar. His eyes went wide with fear, Naomi shrieked and started screaming, and Alastair and Cain were trying to push me back. I shoved them off easily and glared at Metatron, "Listen to me you son of a bitch. If you ever. Ever. Lay a hand on Cas again. I will mess you up." 

"Aw are you upset because I hit your bitch?" I grit my teeth, "Shut your mouth." 

"He went down easy too, the little cocksucker. Didn't even fight back." I couldn't hold back anymore. I punched Metatron in the face. 

"Dean stop! That's enough!" I felt a pair of hands grab my shoulders and pull me back. Charlie stepped in between me and Metatron pushing me back. 

"Don't you dare talk about Cas like that you son of a bitch! You don't have the right! Stay away from him you hear me you bastard! Stay the fuck away from him!" I was struggling against whoever was holding me, and Charlie. Metatron was being helped off the ground by Naomi and his cronies.

"Dean stop! That's enough!" I pushed Charlie's hands off my chest and shrugged whoever was behind me off. "I'm fine Charlie. But that son of a bitch better listen to me or I swear to God I'll kill him." 

"Dean man calm down," I turned around to face the speaker. It was Ash, he was probably the one who had pulled me back too. Ash looked at me with his dude-seriously-you're-better-than-this look. 

"Isn't it time for you to pick up Sam?" Charlie supplied. I glanced at her, "Yeah I should probably get going." I took one more menacing look at Metatron and stalked back to the steps of the school. Jo scowled at me, "Watch yourself Winchester. If you get suspended again we won't be able to perform and then I'll kill you." 

"Oh please Jo. Metatron has caused enough shit with enough people that if I said he attacked me then I'd be in the clear." Jo scoffed and crossed her arms. I smirked, "Well I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go pick up Sammy. He's got a date tonight." 

"Aw," Charlie gushed, "he's so grown up! Can I hitch a ride with you Dean?" 

"Why so you can interrogate Sam about his girlfriend?" Charlie grinned, "How did you know?" I rolled my eyes, "Sorry Charlie but I got things to do after I drop Sammy off. Maybe you can pester him later." Charlie pouted, "You're so mean to me Dean." 

"But you love me anyways," I smirked and gave her a kiss on the head, "Gotta run loser. Take care of miss grumpy britches will ya?" 

"You got it Dean." Charile punched my arm then walked back to Jo on the steps. I waved and walked to baby, getting in the car to go pick up my shaggy haired brother. 

When I pulled up outside the middle school Sam slid in to the passengers seat. "Drive Dean."

"Whoa what's got your panties in a bunch Samantha?" Sam glared at me, "Just shut up and drive jerk." 

"What did she cancel on you or something?" Sam looked at his hands, "No she didn't cancel. She's excited in fact. She can't wait its just, I'm nervous a-and I don't want to see Sarah right now. So please just take me home." 

"Alright." I pulled away from the school and flipped the radio on. We listened to Foreigner sing 'Cold as ice' all the way home. 

When I pulled up outside the house I didn't kill the engine like usual. 

"Dean? Why aren't you stopping the car?" I looked at Sam, "I gotta go check up on a friend, I'll be home in time to take you over to Sarah's." Sam nodded and got out of the car. I watched him walk up to the house then I backed out of the driveway. I turned the radio up louder and headed to Lawrence Memorial Hospital. 

I parked outside the hospital and strode through the front doors. I flashed a smile at the girl at the reception desk. She blushed and I winked, "I don't suppose you could help me?" 

"Depends on what you need help with." 

"I'm looking for my cousin. His name is Castiel Novak. My uncle called and asked me to come pick him up." She turned to her computer screen and started typing. "Well it looks like Mr. Castiel Novak was checked out this morning and his father was the one who checked him out." 

Shit. I didn't think about that I had to think fast. I banged my fist on the counter which made the receptionist jump. "I'm sorry, I'm just. Damn it!" 

"Sir? What seems to be the problem?" I rubbed my hands on my face, "I just, God! It's my stupid cousin. He's always doing this kind of shit to me. Damn it!" She looked confused, "He always does what to you?" 

"He does shit like this to me. He'll be put in the hospital or have a basket ball game or something and he'll call me or text me and tell me to come pick him up when he's already at home. Little bastard." The receptionist chuckled, "That's funny." 

"Oh yes hilarious. So you got an address that they might've gone to?" She looked at me a little skeptically, "Why would you need their address?" I flashed her my winning smile, "Just not sure which house they might've gone to. My uncle moves around a lot so I wasn't sure what his current address is." She practically melted when I winked again, "So do you think you could give me that address?" 

I left the hospital and headed towards Cas' house. I had managed to get his address and the receptionists phone number. I wasn't quite sure what I expected when I pulled up outside the Novak house. I mean I had pictured what Cas' house had looked like based off the fact that his dad is the pastor, but I wasn't expecting it to be so....homey.

Cas lived in a small cottage like house about 15 minutes from the edge of Lawrence. The house was two stories, it was made out of a dark colored wood, it had a wrap around porch with a small table and chair set on it, and a white picket fence that went around the property. 

"Wow," I gazed at the house even with the cold of winter it looked nice. The grass was dead and so were the flowers but I could see where the flower beds were. It even looked like there were winter flowers growning in there, if there was such a thing as winter flowers. The fence was perfectly painted and the roofing and siding were well maintained. I was impressed to say the least.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and walked through the gate. I felt kind of like I was walking down death row as I walked towards the front door. I walked up the steps and stood in front of the door. There was a beautiful plaque that read: Welcome to the home of Pastor James Alexander Novak, his wife Amelia Claire Novak, and their two sons Gabriel Alexander Novak and Castiel James Novak. God bless you as you walk through this door and into our home.

I stared at the plaque for a minute before I steeled my courage and knocked on the door. I shoved my hands in my pockets and waited for somebody to answer it. I looked around the front yard, at the porch set, at the floral curtains that hung in the window facing the front yard. Finally I heard footsteps on the other side of the door. 

I watched the doorknob turn and held my breath. Slowly the door opened and a pair of familiar blue eyes peeked out at me. 

"Cas," I breathed a smile enveloping my face. Cas however looked mortified, "Dean? What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you man. When you didn't show up for finals today it really freaked me out. So I asked Charlie if she knew where you were and she told me what happened." 

"Oh well thank you for your concern but, I would prefer it if you would leave now." He started to shut the door, "Goodbye Dean." 

"Wait!" I panicked and put my hand on the door to keep it from shutting, "Cas look man I came here to apologize." 

"Its OK Dean. I already forgave you. Now please leave."

"No." Cas gazed at me from behind the door. I stood my ground, "You need to listen to me Cas. I don't normally do feelings and shit alright? So just know that the fact that I admitted I was worried about you and came all the way out here to apologize. Well, it means a lot coming from me. So please, just, hear me out?" 

"Dean I-"

"Cas, please." Cas looked up at me from behind the door and sighed, "Alright, we can talk but only for a brief moment. My father does not like it when visitors come over while he is out." 

"I'll only be a few minutes. Scouts honor." Cas nodded and opened the door, "Please come in." 

I stepped inside the house and literally gasped. The inside was more beautiful than the outside. The foyer area was small but it had a nice dark wood table in the hall with some pictures on it. Next to the door on the left was a coat rack and a rug to put your shoes on. There was a set of stairs to the right and at the bottom of the stairs there was a small looking closet. If you walked forward you would be in the kitchen based on the fact that I could see the fridge from where I was standing. Also to the left was a doorway that led into the sitting room area. All the walls were covered in pictures.

"Please take your shoes off before you walk in too far." I nodded and slid off my boots. Cas shut the door still keeping his face hidden from me, "Please have a seat in the family room. Would you like something to drink?" 

"No Cas, I'm alright but thanks for the offer." He nodded keeping his face towards the floor. I walked into the sitting room, or family room, and sat down on a very comfortable but ugly yellow couch. Cas followed me in the room and stood in the doorway. 

"Damn your house is nice," I looked around the sitting room. There was a fireplace in the wall across from the couch I was on. Next to the couch was a recliner, and there was a coffee table in front of the couch and chair. Above the fireplace there was a mantle with more picture frames on it and above the pictures hanging on the wall was a flat screen TV. It was very cozy feeling.

"Thank you Dean." I looked at Cas who was still standing in the doorway. He rubbed his arm and gazed at the floor his hair hiding his face. I cleared my throat, "Cas this is your house, you don't have to be so nervous." 

"My father does not like it when people visit while he is out. I am very nervous Dean. I am breaking my father's rules. I could be punished."

"Then why did you invite me in?" 

"I don't know," Cas whispered. I stood up, walked across the room and stopped in front of Cas. I gently cupped his chin in my hand, "Cas look at me." He shook his head, "I can't." 

"Cas, please." Cas sighed and slowly lifted his face. I felt my heart clench when I could finally see his face. There was a nasty purple bruise on his eye and his jaw, there was a cut under his other eye that had stitches in it, and he had a scab on his lip from where it had been split open. My blood started to boil, "Is this because of that son of a bitch Metatron?" 

"Yes," Cas whispered a tear rolling down his cheek. I gently brushed the tear away with my thumb, "Hey Cas don't cry. It wasn't your fault." I gazed into those beautiful blue eyes of his and watched as they slowly started to fill with tears. 

"Dean, I-" he choked on his own words and tears started pouring from his eyes.

"Oh no Cas," I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my chest. He clutched at my shirt and sobbed. I slowly rubbed soothing circles into his back with my left hand and moved my right hand up into his hair. I gently ran my fingers through his dark mussed up hair trying to calm him down.

"Shh Cas," I whispered, "Cas, its alright. Its not your fault, none of it is your fault. Shh please stop crying, its gonna be OK. Its gonna be OK." I walked us backwards to the couch still whispering soothing words into Cas' hair. 

I sat down on the couch and pulled Cas into my lap. I held him and continued to run my fingers through his hair. He sobbed into my chest wrapping his arms around my neck and burying his face in my shirt.

"Shh, Cas. I've got you Cas. I'll protect you, I promise." I kissed the top of his head and continued to soothe him. Then without realizing it I started to sing, "Hey Jude, don't make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid  
You were made to go out and get her  
The minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better" Cas had stopped sobbing and was just laying against my chest listening to me sing. After a moment of silence when the song was over he whispered, "That's a nice song." 

"Yeah," I rubbed his back, "my mom always sings that song to me when I'm upset." Cas ran his fingers down my chest, "Your mother sounds like a beautiful woman." 

"She is." 

"My mother used to sing to me when I was upset." 

"Yeah?" He nodded, "Yes. She used to sing me this lullaby. Whenever I was sick or upset, she would pull me into her lap and sing. I miss that." Cas snuggled into my chest placing his head in the crook of my neck, his breath tickled my skin and his lips barely brushed aganist it. 

"Cas," I looked down at him, safe and secure in my arms. He gazed up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. I moved my hand up to cup his cheek. His face was cut, bruised, wet, and red from crying but I didn't care. 

"You're so beautiful Cas," I rubbed my thumb against his cheek bone. He blushed. I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his bruised jaw, "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met." 

"Dean-" I leaned in towards his perfect lips not entirely sure what was possessing me. I could feel the nervous blush creep up my neck. I could hear my father's voice in my head screaming about how wrong it was for two boys to be together. I took a shaky breath and pulled back a little bit. 'I can't do this. I can't. What will people think? What will my dad say? Will he disown me? What about all that I've worked towards? Will this ruin it all?' 

I felt Cas tense up and start to move away, "You should probably leave Dean. My father might be home soon." He started to get up. 'No no no no no! You're blowing it Dean! Do you really want this? Of course you do! Don't you?' 

"Cas wait," I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into my lap, "Kiss me Cas." I demanded my voice shaky, "Kiss me." 

"Dean please, I know that you aren't really comfortable with that." I paused, was I comfortable with Cas kissing me? Did I really want it? Really? I looked into his blue eyes and saw all the pain there, I moved my thumb across his wrist and felt the cuts there, I looked at his bruised face and saw how much he was hated. I took a deep breath, 'Do you really want this Dean? What will people say?' 

Cas tried to get up again and I pulled him back down, "Dean please, you're making this so much worse for me. My father will be home soon just please leave." I looked into his eyes again, 'Do I really want this?' A tear rolled down Cas' cheek and that's when I made my decision.

"Cas, kiss me." I leaned forward wrapping my hand around his neck and pulling him towards me before I could back out again. Just as our lips were about to touch the front door opened.


	19. Castiel

I pushed myself off Dean so fast that I fell into the coffee table.

"Shit! Cas are you alright?" Dean sprang off the couch and tried to help me up. The room was spinning and I felt really nauseous. I pushed Dean's hands away from me, "I am fine Dean." I stood up right and straightened my shirt. The room spun and I felt myself start to fall.

"Whoa, easy there Cas," I felt Dean's arms wrap around my chest and set me down gently on the couch. I placed a hand to my forehead, "You need to leave Dean."

"Castiel," my father called from the foyer, "What are you doing in there?" I looked at Dean pleadingly, "Please just don't say anything." 

"Cas what are you-" 

"Castiel what's going on here?" I gulped, "Father, welcome home." 

"What is the elder winchester child doing in our family room?" 

"Father I'm-"

"I'm sorry sir." My father looked at Dean, "I shouldn't have come in. I was being an a- a jerk. I wanted to make sure that Cas was alright." Father glared at Dean, "Well he is obviously fine so you can leave now." 

"Right," Dean placed a hand on my shoulder, "I'll call you or something." He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly then winked at me and walked towards the door. I blushed and looked at the floor. 

"See ya later Cas, Sir." 

"Goodbye Mr. Winchester." I heard the front door shut, then the sound of the impala starting, and then the sound of the impala pulling away. 

"So Castiel," I slowly looked up at my father as he walked into the family room. He calmly sat down in his chair and looked at me. There was silence.

"What was Dean Winchester doing at our house?" I took a deep breath, "He wanted to make sure that I was doing alright. He was worried." 

"That's a pathetic lie. Why was he really here?" 

"That's why father, he heard about my injuries and wanted to make sure I was recovering well." He scoffed, "I don't see why anyone would be worried about you. You're just a waste of space."

"That's not true." I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes, "people care about me. Dean cares about me. He's my friend." 

"Don't talk back to me boy. You aren't supposed to have friends. Why have you been making friends when I ordered you not too?" I looked him in the eyes, "Because I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of walking through the hallways at school alone. I'm tired of avoiding everyone and eating lunch by myself. I'm tired of being, of being afraid! I'm tired of walking on eggshells around you because it doesn't do any good anyway! You hate me and there's nothing I can do to get you to love me again!" 

"Shut your mouth Castiel." I wiped the tears off my face and kept going, "No. I'm not going to be quiet this time! Why do you hate me? I'm sorry about the accident and I know that mom is not the one who deserved to die. How could I forget? You remind me every time you see me!" 

"Castiel, enough."

"But the worst part is that I'm so afraid of you and what you might say or what you might do to me. I'm afraid to defend myself because of what might happen. You are my father! I should not have to be afraid of you! I should be able to come to you when I am afraid! You should comfort me and tell me that you love me! Not sit on your chair and tell me how much you hate me and how I should have died!" 

"Castiel, ENOUGH! You do not speak like that to me. I am your father and you should show me some respect!"

"You are not my father! You haven't been my father since my mother died!"

It all happened so fast I wasn't sure it was real until I was gone. My father strode across the room and swung. He hit dead center, the back of his hand colliding with my already bruised cheek. I fell to the floor in a crying heap clutching my throbbing cheek. He stood over me screaming about how disrespectful I am and how I should die. I couldn't take it anymore, I shoved my father away from me and ran out the front door. 

I ran. I wasn't sure where I was going I just ran and I kept running till I was out of breath. When I stopped I was standing in the middle of a park. I took a couple deep breaths, then I was on the ground crying my eyes out. 

I was alone. It was nighttime, it was cold, and I was alone without my coat in a park crying. I don't know how long I cried I just cried until I couldn't cry anymore. 

I picked myself off the ground and walked over to the swing set. I sat down on the cold hard rubber of the swing and kicked at the sand underneath me. 

I was lost and alone. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked through my contacts list. It was a very small list. I looked at all the names debating on who to call. Making my decision I pressed on the name and hoped they would answer.

The phone rang, once, twice, three times, "Hello?" 

"Meg? This is Castiel." 

"Clarence your name shows up on the screen when you call. I knew it was you. So what's up?" I swallowed blinking back tears, "My father and I got into an argument. I left the house and now-" I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"Hey, Clarence its gonna be OK. Where are you right now?" I took a deep calming breath, "I would rather not say. I just want to be alone." 

"You don't want to be alone. If you wanted to be alone you wouldn't have called me. Where are you?" I sighed, "I am at a park but, I do not know which one."

"Alright I'll take off work and come pick you up." 

"You are at work?" She sighed, "Yeah but I can take off to come and get you. Its no big deal."

"That is a very big deal. I would not want you to take off work for me. I will call someone else." 

"Are you sure? Its really not a problem." I wiped my eyes, "Yes I will call someone else. You get back to work." She huffed, "Call me when your ride gets there. And I want to talk to them so that I know you aren't lying to me." 

"I will. Goodbye Meg."

"Later Clarence." I hung up and looked at my contacts list again. I could call Gabriel, but then he would be furious with father. I could call Anna but then Aunt Hannah would be worried about me and probably take me back home. I was pretty much out of options. 

I shut the screen off and put my phone back in my pocket. I kicked at the sand, "Why do you hate me God?" God answered my question in the form of, "Hey freak!" I sighed but didn't move. 

"Well well well," Metatron walked up to me with Naomi hanging on his arm, "freak, what are you doing here? All alone in the dark?" 

"Waiting for God to smite me." Metatron laughed, "Oh freak who knew you had a sense of humor?" I shrugged, "Obviously you did not." He laughed again, "Wow, look at you freak. All alone, but I suppose that's normal for you isn't it?" 

"Metatron why don't you just leave me alone? I have not done anything to you and I really am not in the mood to deal with you right now. So please just leave. You can beat me up when Christmas break is over." Metatron faltered, "When did you get balls Novak?" I shrugged, "Not entirely sure. I just want to be alone now. Could you spare me that one request? In the spirit of Christmas? Please?" 

Metatron looked at Naomi and she nodded. He placed his free hand on my shoulder, "Sure. In the spirit of Christmas, but don't think this changes anything freak. I'll still beat the shit out of you when we get back to school." 

"I wouldn't dream of things being any different." Metatron punched my arm kinda hard then walked away with Naomi. I kicked at the sand again and just sat there in silence. It was getting darker and colder and my teeth were starting to chatter. There were goosebumps on my arms and I couldn't feel my nose. Then it started to snow.

I sat on the swing still kicking at the sand. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't care. I wanted to cut, I needed to cut, but my razor was still at home. No way in hell was I going to go back home. 

I sat alone as the snow fell around me. I was getting colder and colder but I didn't care. Maybe I would die. Maybe this would finally be it, the end of my suffering. Fate had other ideas.

I heard it before I saw it. A 1967 Chevy Impala driving by the lonely park. I could tell that's what it was by the sound of the engine. Then the car stopped. I didn't move, I just kicked at the sand, frozen on the swing.

"Cas?" I recognized that voice, "Cas? Cas is that you?" I looked up and my heart leapt into my throat. It was Dean. I smiled, "Dean?" 

"Cas?" Dean ran towards the swing set. I stood up shivering, "Dean, what are you doing here?" 

"Cas," Dean wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. I sighed glad for the warmth of Dean's arms. Dean ran his fingers through my hair, "Cas what are you doing out here? Its freezing and you don't have a coat. What's going on?" 

"Dean I-" tears threatened to spill from my eyes again and I couldn't fight them. I sobbed into Dean's chest clucthing at his jacket. Dean held me tighter, "Cas?"

"He hit me Dean," I managed to say between sobs, "He hit me. He hit me and I ran. I ran I just ran. I don't know Dean I was so hurt and upset and I just ran. Somehow I ended up here and I've just been here alone just waiting to freeze to death. Waiting to die." 

"Cas-"

"And I wanted to cut. I wanted to cut so bad Dean. I wanted to slice my wrists open and watch the life drain out of me. I wanted to watch the blood leave my body until I died. I just I want so bad to just die! Please don't take me back there Dean please!" I was overcome with sobs again and I couldn't talk.

"Cas," Dean ran his fingers through my hair again, "Cas I don't want you to die, and I won't take you back there. I promise." I felt something wet on my hair. I looked up at Dean to see he was crying. 

"Dean, how did you find me?" Dean placed his hand gently on my cheek, "Your dad called my parents. He said that you ran away and he didn't know why, or where you went. I was taking my brother to his girlfriends house when they called me. They asked me if I might know where you were. I told them I didn't and then asked why. They told me what your dad had said and I freaked out. I was worried about you so I started driving around town looking for you. I looked everywhere Cas. I was well, shit, I was really scared Cas." 

"I am sorry Dean. How did you find me though?" Dean smiled, "I went to the hospital to see if you had been admitted or something and I ran into this nurse named Meg. I asked her if she knew where you were and she told me that you were at some park. She also called you Clarence. Why did she call you Clarence?" 

"Don't ask I am not even sure why she calls me that." 

"OK." He rubbed his thumb across my cheek. I leaned into the touch closing my eyes. 

"Cas why didn't you call me?" 

"I do not have your phone number." I opened my eyes and looked at Dean. His cheeks and nose were pink from the cold, his eyes were sparkling, there were snowflakes resting in his hair and on his eyelashes, and he was smiling at me. 

"Cas I put my phone number in your phone weeks ago." I tilted my head in confusion, "I did not see it in my contacts list." Dean laughed, "Did you look under the name 'Dr. Sexy'?" 

"No, I did not. I assumed that was just another one of Gabriel's pranks." Dean smirked, "No that was me." 

"Well, now I know." Dean smiled, "Yeah, now you do." I looked into Dean's eyes. He was so close to me, I was tempted to lean in and kiss his lips. His eyes darted down to my lips and back up to my eyes. 

"Cas," he whispered rubbing his thumb across my cheek, "I think I'm going to kiss you." I looked at Dean's lips, "And you would be comfortable with that?" 

"Yeah, I think I would."

"You think?" 

"I know." I leaned closer, "So kiss me Dean." 

"OK." Dean leaned in close to me and cautiously pressed his lips to mine. I kissed back careful not to push my boundaries. Dean's hand moved from my cheek to the back of my neck as he pulled me in closer. I tightened my grip on Dean's jacket praying that he wouldn't freak out. That he wouldn't regret this. 

"Dean," I whispered against his lips, "Are you sure you want this?" 

"Oh yeah Cas. I want this. I really really want this." I smiled, "Then kiss me again." Dean captured my lips with his and I couldn't help but feel, loved. 

He kissed me gently, soft kisses that made me feel cared about and wanting more. His lips were soft and he tasted like mint. I wanted more so so much more but I was cold.

"Dean," I pulled away, "Its really cold outside and I don't have my coat." Dean smiled and kissed me again, "Let's get you some place warm." I nodded and we walked to the impala Dean holding my hand. 

He opened the passenger side door for me and I sat down. He shut the door and walked around the car getting in the drivers side. He started the car and turned the heat on. I shivered and wrapped my arms around my chest.

"Here," Dean took his leather jacket off and slipped it around my shoulders. I looked up at him, "Thank you Dean." 

"No problem Cas," His hand was on my thigh and he was only a breath away. I blushed and looked at my lap.

"Hey Cas?" 

"Yes Dean?" He sighed, "I really am sorry for being such an asshole. Its just, I like you. The first time I met you I couldn't stop thinking about you. And when I saw you in the bathroom I panicked. I had never been in that situation before so I really had no idea what to do. I'm sorry I bailed on you Cas and I'm sorry I ignored you for all those weeks that was pretty stupid of me. I'm also sorry about kissing you the other day. I just didn't really know what to do or say and I really really wanted to kiss you. I'm just a little confused about all this. I've never really dated a guy before so this is all new to me. But still I'm sorry." 

"Dean I forgive you," I looked up into those brilliantly green eyes, "can you kiss me again? I really like that." Dean smiled and leaned in placing a gentle kiss to my lips. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me closer to his chest placing soft kisses to my lips, my cheek, my neck, and back to my lips. And we were lost in the moment Aerosmith singing, 'Don't wanna miss a thing' on the radio.


	20. Dean

The sun is what woke me up. It shone through my window on my eyes. I groaned and buried my face in my pillow. My pillow sighed. Wait what? 

My eyes shot open and I quickly took in my surroundings. I was in the impala under a blanket with my arms around somebody. Oh shit. 

Cas laid next to me on the back seat. My arms were around his waist and we were pressed up against each other. I froze and hoped that was his knee against my leg. Oh shit its not.

I slowly sat up trying not to wake up Cas. He groaned and reached out for me. I cleared my throat, "Uh Cas? Wake up." Slowly Cas opened his eyes.

"Dean? What's going on?" Oh my God if I wasn't already hard with morning wood his sleep riddled voice would do the trick. I mentally slapped myself for that thought and looked at Cas. He had bed head and oh god that was hot. 'Focus Dean.' 

"Um we kinda fell asleep. Together. In my car." Cas' eyes widened in horror, "Oh my god we did not have sex right?" I choked on my own spit, "What! No! Fuck no! No we didn't have sex Cas. God am I really that much of a man whore?" 

"I am sorry Dean. That was not what I meant. I just do not remember much of last night. It was very, troubling." I sighed, "Its OK Cas. I understand. Let's uh take you home OK?" Cas nodded and wrapped his arms around himself. 

I climbed out of the back seat and quickly got in the drivers seat. I turned the impala on and started the heater. It was fucking cold outside. 

"Dean?" I looked in the rearview mirror, "Yeah Cas?" He looked at his hands, "Thank you, for helping me." 

"No problem Cas. That's what friends do." 

"Friends?" 

"Yeah friends?" I looked back and Cas looked, distraught, "What's wrong Cas?" 

"N-nothing just take me home please." I nodded, "Sure thing Cas." I pulled away from the little park and drove towards Cas' house. It was silent and awkward so I turned the radio on. 

"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes." I looked at the radio, "What the fuck is this?" I tried to change the station but the rest of the buttons wouldn't budge. 

"Yeah you PMS like a bitch I would know." I groaned, "I'm gonna kill you Samantha." 

"And you overthink always speak criptically. I should know that you're no good for me." 

"Dean I did not think that this was the kind of music you listen to."

"You're hot then you're cold you're yes then you're no you're in then you're out you're up and you're down."

"Its not. Sam must've rigged my radio again. Damnit Ash." 

"You're wrong when its right its black and its white we fight we break up we kiss we make up." 

"What does Ash have to do with Sam rigging your radio?" 

"You, you don't really wanna say no. Yeah you, you don't really wanna stay no. You don't really wanna go. You're hot then you're cold you're yes then you're no you're in then you're out you're up and you're down." 

"Ash is a tech nerd he knows all there is to know about electronics he always helps Sam mess with my car radio. I'm gonna kill them both." 

"Oh I see." We pulled up at Cas' house and I finally got the radio to shut off. Cas sat in the back for a minute and stared at the house. I turned around, "Hey Cas you OK?" 

"Yes Dean I am fine. Thank you for bringing me home. Perhaps, if its OK, I will call you later?" 

"Uh yeah, s-sure." Cas smiled briefly and got out of the impala. I watched him walk up to his door and after he went inside I realized, he still had my blanket wrapped around his body. 

I shrugged, "He didn't have a jacket Dean. No big deal. Just remember to put a replacement spare back there." I looked at the house one more time then drove away.

When I got home everyone was still in bed. I quietly shut the door and tried to sneak to my room. 

"Where were you young man?" I jumped and looked into the living room, "M-morning Mom. How come you're up so early?" She crossed her arms and glared at me. I was in so much trouble.

"What was her name and did you use protection?" I groaned, "Really mom? I was gone all night and I tried to sneak in early this morning and you automatically assume I was having sex?" She raised her eyebrows. I thought about it for a minute, "OK I guess that does make it seem like I was having sex. But I wasn't scouts honor."

"Dean you were never in the boy scouts." 

"Well gee mom way to shoot down my imaginary honor." She sighed, "Dean Samuel Winchester." I cringed, "Mom I really wasn't having sex. Really." 

"Fine. You weren't having sex. What were you doing then?" I thought about what I did last night. How I went into a worried frenzy looking for Cas. How I finally found him. How we kissed. I touched my lips at the memory. Cas' lips were wonderfully perfect. They were soft and gentle and they tasted like the ocean, salty and mysterious. I could not tell my mom that.

"I was with Cas." It wasn't a complete lie. She looked at me skeptically, "With Cas? I thought you didn't know where he was." 

"I didn't. Not when you called me. I went out and looked for him and I found him. He was uh having a rough night so we hung out in the impala and I guess we fell asleep there cause that's where I woke up this morning." 

"I wish you would've called Dean. I was worried."

"I'm sorry mom. I really didn't expect to be out so late." 

"Well its in the past. At least you found Castiel and got him home safely." I let out a sigh of relief, "Yeah, he's home safely." I just don't know how safe he is at home. Mom got up and stretched, "Well, I don't have to go to work today so I am going to go back to bed and enjoy sleeping in. You young man need to go help Ellen. She called last night and said she needed your help today." 

"Yes ma'am." She smiled and extended her arms towards me, "Come give me a hug." 

"Ugh mom a hug? I'm not a little kid anymore." I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her. She smiled and returned the hug, "You'll always be my baby Dean. Always." 

"I know," I kissed the top of her head. She smiled and shoved me playfully, "Now go to your room. You're still in trouble for not calling me." 

"Yes ma'am," I smiled and walked upstairs to my room. Sam peeked his head out his door, "Late night Dean?" 

"You know it Sammy," I winked at him and he rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever jerk. Just next time don't forget about me." 

"Well you're not demanding at all, are you?" I stuck my tongue out at him and went in my room. I could hear him groan as I shut my door. 

I walked over and flopped down on my bed. I closed my eyes and decided that I was going back to sleep. Until my phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the caller id. 

I didn't recognize the number so I ignored the call. I set my phone on my nightstand and closed my eyes again. It vibrated.

I picked it up and looked at it. Whoever it was left a voicemail. I sighed and dialed my voicemail.

"You have one unheard message. First unheard message: 'Um H-hello D-dean? Uh this is Castiel. I uh, just wanted to make sure you made it home OK. I um, I really appreciate your help. I am sorry you had to see me like that. I um, I just- well thank you Dean. Um I hope you call me back. Goodbye.' To delete this message press 7, to save it press 9." I pressed 9 without hesitation. "Message will be saved for 24 days. You have no more messages." I pressed the end call button and held my phone. 

Should I call him back? I mean he wants me to call him back, but should I? If I call him back will he think we're boyfriends? Are we boyfriends? I mean yeah we made out last night and it was the best make out session ever, but that doesn't mean we're in a relationship. I mean, it doesn't really mean anything. Except I told him that I liked him. Shit. I really dug my own grave with this one. What The hell was I going to do?

I glared at my phone like it was my phone's fault. What was I going to do now? I threw it back on the table and laid on my bed. 

It rang. I groaned and picked up the phone answering without looking at the caller id.

"What?"

"Well good morning to you too sunshine." 

"Nah, I'm more like a rain cloud." Jo scoffed, "What, did you not get laid last night or something? What's with the attitude Winchester?" 

"Sorry, I just had a uh, well, a crazy night." 

"Well, I don't really care. Just get your ass out of bed and get down here ASAP. Mom and I really need your help." 

"Could you ask a little nicer please?" Jo huffed, "Get your ass down here now or I will come to your house and set the impala on fire." 

"Don't you threaten my baby!"

"Get your ass down here NOW!" She hung up. I sighed and walked over to my dresser. I pulled out some clean clothes to wear to the road house and got changed. Once I was in clean clothes I grabbed my phone and my keys off my nightstand and headed out my door.

"Where are you going?" Sam asked as I walked past him in the living room. I grabbed my leather jacket and put it on, "I gotta go help Ellen and Jo at the roadhouse. Apparently there's a big rush or something and they need my help asap."

"Oh, can I come help?" 

"Sorry Sammy, they only asked for me. Besides I'm sure you have to call Sarah anyways right?" Sam blushed, "That's none of your business Dean." I smirked, "Tell Raphael I say hi." Sam threw a pillow at me, "Shut up jerk!" 

"Later bitch!" I dodged the pillow and went out the front door. I got in the drivers seat of the impala and turned her on. The radio turned on and filled the car with Metallica. 

"That's my girl," I smiled and pulled out of the driveway, heading to the roadhouse. It was gonna be long day.


	21. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> We apologize for the lateness of this chapter. Due to some health issues, jobs, and my own mental health (brown_eyed_fallen_angel) there was quite the delay of this chapter. We are sorry but we hope that the next chapter won't be so delayed. Thank you to all who have read this, followed this, bookmarked it, gave us kudos, and especially commented. Your support is what jeeps this story alive. We hope this chapter makes up for the delay. Thank you so much to all of you.
> 
> Love and thanks,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176

I got out of Dean's car and slowly walked up to the front door of my house. I paused staring at the closed door. Taking a deep breath I put my key in the lock and turned it.

Cautiously I stepped in the door. It didn't seem like my father was awake. I breathed a sigh of relief and quietly shut the door behind me. I grabbed the blanket on my shoulders and wrapped it around myself tighter. Wait. I still had Dean's blanket! 

I turned around and opened the door but he was already gone. I shut the door again and started to go up the stairs to my room. I could always give it to him after break was over. 

"Castiel!" I froze halfway up the stairs. "Castiel James Novak!" My father came out of the sitting room red faced with anger. 

"G-good morning f-fa-father," I stuttered my gaze drifting to the floor. 

"Where the fuck have you been Castiel? Hm? You were out all night and you didn't even call me. I had no idea where you were and then you just waltz in the house like its no big deal!" 

"Father please. I was with a friend."

"Who?" I faltered, "Just a friend father." 

"Who Castiel? Was it that Winchester boy?" I flinched. 

"Look at me when I'm talking to you Castiel!" I looked up at my father, his teeth were clenched and his eyes were slits of anger. 

"It was wasn't it?" I looked at the floor again, "Y-yes." I heard my father walk towards the stairs and then I felt his palm connect with my face. 

"You little bastard. I told you not to hang out with that Winchester kid." I gingerly touched my throbbing cheek, "But father he's my friend." His hand hit my cheek again, "I don't give a damn! He's a bad influence on you. He's influenced you to talk back to me and run around town at all hours of the night! I don't want you hanging around him anymore do you understand me?" 

"Yes," I replied through clenched teeth. He smacked me again, "Yes what?" I looked into his eyes holding back tears, "Yes sir." He raised his hand to smack me again and I flinched, "Damn wuss. Look at you. You're a pathetic excuse for a son. Go to your room I don't want to see you the rest of the day." I turned and quickly went up the rest of the stairs tears streaming down my face.

I slammed the door to my room and threw the blanket against it. I was so angry. The voice was chanting in my head 'pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son' 

"Shut up shut up shut up!" I gripped the sides of my head trying to will the voice away. 'Damn wuss, little bastard, pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son.' 

"Mom," I cried my knees hitting the carpeted floor, "Mom please make it stop!" 

'Pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son."

"Mommy please!" I sobbed, "Mommy make it stop! Make it all stop!" 

'Pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son.' I crawled across the floor to my desk. I reached up and opened the middle drawer searching frantically for my razor. My fingers found the cold piece of metal and I gripped it tightly and pulled it out of the drawer. I pulled my shirt off and blindly started cutting at my skin. 

'Pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son'

"Please stop. Please stop." 

'Pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son'

"Mommy please make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop."

'Pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son.'

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." 

'Pathetic son pathetic son pathetic son.' I sobbed, "Mommy please. Dean please make it stop." The voice faded its mantra leaving my head. 

"Dean, mommy, Dean, mommy, Dean, make it stop." The voice faded completely and I dropped the razor tears still streaming down my face. I looked at myself to asses the damage. 

I choked back another sob as I looked at my mutilated body. There were cuts all over my chest, stomach, and both arms. Some of them were short and shallow but some of them were long and deep. I could see a few that would probably need stiches and that made more tears start to fall.

"Oh my God," I gasped, "Oh God, oh God!" I looked around my room frantically for a towel or something to wipe the blood off with. I found a dirty towel in the hamper and pressed it against my cuts on my chest and stomach. I hissed at the contact, the cheap cotton stinging as it touched my cuts. 

I pressed as hard as I could trying to stop the bleeding. "Oh God what do I do. Oh God," I started to panic and without thinking I grabbed my phone and called the first person in my contacts list.

The phone rang, once, twice, three times, four times, five times. 

"This is Dean. Leave your name, number, and nightmare at the tone." I took a deep breath and tried to sound normal, "Um H-hello D-dean? Uh this is Castiel. I uh just wanted to make sure you made it home OK. I um I really appreciate your help. I am sorry you had to see me like that. I um I just- well thank you Dean. Um I hope you call me back. Goodbye." I hung up the phone and tossed it on my bed. 

Cautiously I pulled the towel away from my skin. I was still bleeding but not nearly as bad. Fighting back tears I picked my phone up and made the call I didn't really want to make. 

"Hello? Castiel?" I took a deep breath before I responded, "Hello Anael."

"Castiel? What is it? What's wrong?" Anna immediately sounded worried, "Castiel what's wrong? You only call me by my full name when something is wrong."

"That's not true, I call you by your full name when I'm pissed at you." She chuckled, "OK fine. But seriously what's wrong? I can tell that something is wrong." 

"Anna I," I choked back a sob, "Anna I-I need your help." The tears that I had been trying to hold in came spilling out, "Anna I cut again. And I know you made me promise not to. I know I failed, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I'm sorry Anna I'm sorry. I really just need your help right now. I really really do and I didn't know who else to call and I just- I just-"

"Whoa Castiel calm down. I'll be over asap, just don't do anything until I get there." 

"Please hurry," I whispered. I could hear her grabbing her keys, "I'm on my way Castiel. Do you want me to stay on the phone till I get there or will you be OK?" I sniffled, "I think I'll be OK. Just please hurry." 

"I'm already on my way. Hang on Cassie." She hung up and I dropped my phone on my pillow. I wrapped my arms around my chest and grimaced as pain filled my body, the cotton towel pressing into my cuts. 

I held myself sobbing until Anna arrived. I could hear the front door open and my father's voice drifted up the stairs, "Anael, what are you doing here?" 

"Just stopping by to visit Castiel. Is he home?" Her voice radiated with false happiness. My father grunted, "He's upstairs in his room. He's in trouble right now."

"Oh, well would it still be alright if I visit with him for a moment?" I heard my father sigh, "Alright." Followed by Anna's footsteps coming up the stairs. 

"Castiel?" She questioned pushing open my door, "Castiel are you OK?" She entered my room shutting the door behind her. 

"Oh Cassie," she gasped tears filling her blue eyes, "Cassie what have you done?" I let out a sob, tears blurring my vision, "Anna, I'm sorry." I hugged my chest tighter inflicting more pain on myself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Cassie shh," Anna walked across the room and gently wrapped her arms around me, "Its OK Castiel. Its OK. I'm here now shh. It'll be alright now." I flung my arms around her neck and sobbed into her shoulder, "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry Anna. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." 

"Shh Castiel," she soothed running her hands through my hair. We stayed like that for what felt like hours, Anna comforting me while I sobbed and apologized.

When I ran out of tears Anna pulled away from me and wiped tears off my cheeks with her thumbs. She gently rubbed her thumb across my right cheek, "Castiel what happened? Why is your cheek bruising? Oh Castiel what's going on?" 

"Anna," I took a deep breath and felt more tears start to form in my eyes. Then I told her everything. She just sat there and listened while I told her about my Father hitting me last night, about how I left and how Dean found me, and how Dean and I had kissed (I left out the making out in the backseat part). I told her everything and she just sat and listened running her fingers through my hair and wiping tears off my cheeks.

"Castiel," Anna gently grabbed my chin and made me look in her eyes. She looked so much older and wiser than she should at 16. Her eyes were full of unshed tears, "Does Gabriel know?" 

"No please don't tell him Anna. Please, I don't want him to hate Father more than he already does." She nodded and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. 

"I won't," She whispered, "I promise. Cross my heart." I smiled a little and grabbed her hand, "You are such a good person." She smirked, "I know. Now let's get you cleaned up." She tugged on my hand and we both got up and quietly walked to the bathroom. 

I sat on the edge of the bathtub while Anna gently cleaned all the blood off with a wet rag. Then she took the gauze out of the first aid kit and bandaged up the cuts that were deepest and still somewhat bleeding. 

"Anna thank you for doing this. I know I promised that you would never have to do this again and I am so sorry." 

"Castiel, its OK. Just please, please don't do this again. Please." I nodded tears blurring my vision again, "I will try not to. I am so so sorry Anna. I'm so sorry." 

"Oh Cassie," Anna hugged me whispering soothing words in my hair, and I cried again. After a while my father yelled up the stairs, "Anael? Are you still here?" Anna wiped the tears off her face and cleared her throat, "Yes uncle James. I'm still here!" 

"You need to leave now." Anna looked at me, "Castiel are you sure that you'll be OK? Do you want me to call Gabriel? I'm sure he would be able to help."

"No Anna. I-i can't. Please don't tell anyone. Please."

"I won't Castiel. I promise." She walked me back to my room and gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, "Call me later Castiel."

"I will." 

"I love you Castiel. You know that right?" I nodded, "Yes Anna, I know. I love you as well." She smiled squeezing my shoulder reassuringly then turned and walked down the stairs.

"Give your parents my regards Anael."

"I will Uncle James." And then the door shut and Anna was gone. And I was alone with my father. 

I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I reached up and clutched my necklace, stroking the round pendant. 

"I'm sorry Mother," I whispered to the empty room. The responding silence was enough to bring tears back to my eyes. I let out a shuddery breath, "Am I truly alone here?" Again silence was the only response. I bit my lip to hold in a sob and started humming to myself. 

I hummed until my humming turned into sobbing again. I laid there sobbing until I finally just cried myself to sleep.

"Castiel! Wake up!" My eyes shot open at the sound of my father's voice. I rolled over and saw him standing in my door way.

"Father? What time is it?" I rubbed my eyes and sat up in bed. He huffed, "it doesn't matter what time it is you need to get out of bed. I have to go to the church and you have to come with me. We leave in five minutes!" He turned and walked down the hallway to his room.

I slowly got out of my bed wincing at the pain that filled my chest. I glanced down at my bandages to make sure that I wasn't bleeding through. Satisfied with how clean the bandages were I put on a black button up and my converse. 

"Castiel! We are leaving now!" 

"Coming Father," I grabbed my trench coat and slipped it on as I ran down the stairs. My father glared at me as I walked past him out the front door. I looked at the ground as I walked out to the car. I climbed into the passenger side and sat in silence. My Father got in and started the car. The ride to the church was silent.

When we arrived at the church my father got out and went inside without a word to me. I got out and went inside after him. He went to his office and shut the door. I stood in the entryway for a few minutes not sure what to do. Eventually I walked into the auditorium and sat down in front of the piano.

I gazed at the keys for a few moments contemplating whether my father would be irritated by my playing, or not. I shrugged and started to play and then I started to sing, 

"Wise men say only fools rush in  
but I can't help falling in love with you  
Shall I stay  
would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
some things are meant to be  
take my hand, take my whole life too  
for I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes  
some things are meant to be  
take my hand, take my whole life too  
for I can't help falling in love with you  
for I can't help falling in love with you."

When I was finished I heard someone clapping. I looked up and saw Mary Winchester with her younger son. What was his name Seth? Simon? Something with an S.

"Oh Castiel that was so beautiful!" Mary walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I grimaced in pain, "Thank you Mrs. Winchester." She pulled away and smiled at me warmly. I forced a smile back. 

"I didn't know you could play," the young Winchester said. Steven? Scott? "Yes I have been playing piano since I was 3 years old."

"3 years old!?! Dude! That's so young!" I smiled, "Yes it is but most piano players begin at a young age." 

"Wow." Mary smiled at her son, "Castiel you've met my son Sam haven't you?" Sam! That's what his name was, "Never formally Mrs. Winchester. It is a pleasure to meet you Sam. My name is Castiel." He shook my hand, "Castiel? That's a strange name." 

"Samuel Dean don't be rude," Mary chastised. I chuckled, "It is not a big deal Mrs. Winchester my name is very unusual. " Mary smiled at me and lightly squeezed my shoulder. 

"Mrs. Winchester if I may ask, where is Dean?" I tried to stop the blush rising in my cheeks. 

"Oh Dean is at the roadhouse working and my husband is at work too. That's why I brought Sam with me. I volunteered to clean the church every other week and I didn't want Sam to be home alone." 

"Mom he just asked about Dean, you didn't have to tell him all that other stuff." 

"That is alright Sam. I do not mind. In fact it would be nice to have some company, that is if you don't mind?" Mary grinned, "I don't mind one bit Castiel. I would love for you and Sam to get to know each other. I'll just leave him here with you and go get started then." She smiled again and walked out of the auditorium. 

"Sorry about my mom. She gets a little carried away with information sometimes." I smiled, "It really does not bother me Sam. I like your mother she is a very charming lady." 

"Yeah I guess so." Sam sat on the pew closest to him, "So how do you know Dean?" I immediately felt myself starting to blush, "Dean and I go to school together. I um tutor him in Mathematics and assist him with any other subjects he needs help with." 

"Oh I see. You wouldn't happen to know if he's dating anyone would you?" My face felt extremely hot and I gulped, "N-no not that I know of. Although it would be difficult to discern whether or not he has an actual girlfriend given the amount of random girls he sleeps with."

"Very true. Although if anyone would know it would be someone really close to him and I somehow get the feeling that you're a lot closer to Dean than you let on." 

"W-what? What would make you say that?" Sam laughed, "Besides the way you blush at the mention of his name? And the way that you get all nervous talking about him? Or maybe the fact that you look at him like you'll never be able to look at him again?" 

"Uh," I looked at my hands, "I don't know what you are talking about." Sam laughed, "Dude I've seen the way you look at him on Sundays. It's wierdly cute." I blushed, "Oh." 

"Hey Cas," Sam's voice was kind, "You have a crush on my brother don't you?" I sighed, "Is it that obvious?" 

"Sorry to say but yeah it is." I groaned, "Well that is fantastic. I am sure everyone knows by now. If you were able to figure it out then I am sure others have as well."

"Well I don't think so. I'm just really good at reading people." I buried my face in my hands and sighed. Sam didn't say anything and we sat there in silence. I could feel my chest constrict with fear. Fear that Metatron and his goons would know and use that against me. Fear that my crush would ruin Dean's reputation. Fear that it would ruin my budding friendships with Jo, Charlie, Ash, Chuck, and even Garth. Fear that Dean wouldn't really feel the same way. Fear that when he kissed me last night it was because he felt sorry for me. Fear that everything he said was part of some sick and twisted joke. Fear that I was building up hope that would be ripped to shreds. Fear that my father would find out. 

"Um Cas? I don't know if it would help any for you to know that, I think Dean likes you too." I looked up at Sam, "What?" He sighed, "Look I know my brother probably better than he knows himself. So whenever he likes someone I can always tell and lately he's been acting like he does when he likes someone." 

"What kind of things?" Sam smirked, "Well he gets all moody. Like he'll be happy then the next minute he'll be pissed off for no apparent reason. And he always spends a lot of time in his room playing his guitar. Like he'll sit in there and play for hours non stop. He also says your name in his sleep sometimes. Oh and he gets all secretive about it whenever someone mentions it. And if he really really likes someone he writes songs about them." 

"H-he does?" I felt my earlier blush returning. Sam looked at me, "You can't tell? He looks at you like he looks at pie man." 

"I-i don't understand-"

"It doesn't really matter. He likes you Cas I can tell. Trust me. The thing is he's confused. He's never liked a guy before and it's just- different for him. Give him some time to have a gay freak out. He'll come around." 

"Sam not that I'm ungrateful for this advice but, why are you telling me all this?" Sam sighed, " I figured you'd ask me that." He stood up and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, "Look I don't know you very well but you seem like a really good guy. And I know my brother likes you. I just want Dean to be happy." He held the piece of paper out to me.

"What is that?" 

"It's something that Dean wrote. I want you to read it. Just so that you know I'm not lying to you." I tentatively grabbed the folded up piece of paper, "Sam-" 

"Just read it OK? I gotta go see if my mom needs help or something. See you later Cas." He walked out of the auditorium without so much as a backwards glance.

I stared at the piece of paper in my hand, debating on whether I should open it or not. Deciding that it couldn't hurt to look I cautiously unfolded it.

The page was covered in musical notes and chords. I realized it was a song. I scanned the notes and read the lyrics. Tears stung the corners of my eyes as I read the words. This song was about me, no doubt about it. Who else would Dean write things about like: I see the pain you hide, Its in your blue eyes. Or: Is it the blue sky that's in your eyes?

I covered my mouth with my hand in shock. Dean Winchester likes me. I could hardly believe it but, there was proof in my hands. It wasn't some joke. It wasn't just a bunch of bull shit words. Dean Winchester, my biggest crush, likes me. He really actually likes me. 

I reread the song smiling as I thought, 'Dean Winchester wrote this about me!' I read the line that said: 'Let me be the reason that you smile.' I couldn't help but think, 'Dean you already are.'


	22. Dean

My phone ringing woke me up. I groaned and rolled over, picking my phone up. 

"Hello?" 

"You're still in bed Dean? Seriously its almost 1 get up." I groaned, "Jo why are you calling me?" She huffed, "Metadouche is throwing a huge back to school party tonight and he wants us to perform."

"No. Absolutely not."

"Listen Dean, I hate him too but he is going to pay us a good amount for this." I rubbed my face with my hand, "How much?" 

"500 an hour." 

"What?!?" 

"I'm serious. It's not like he doesn't have the money to spare anyways right? 500 per person per hour. It would be stupid for us to say no Dean." I sighed, "What's the catch though?" Jo was silent, "Jo, what's the catch?" She sighed, "We have to wear uniforms provided by Metadouche and we can only play what he approves."

"No. No, no, no. I'm not doing it no." Jo groaned, "Come on Dean. It's not that bad. Dean this is a great gig seriously. Think about it this is the easiest 500 dollars you'll ever earn. Come on swallow your man pride, grow a pair, and quit being a drama queen." 

"Jo did you forget what he did to Cas? Cause I didn't. I'm not doing it. My answer is no." Jo laughed humorlessly, "Really Dean? You're bringing Cas into this? Why? You obviously don't give two shits about him so just drop the act." 

"What? I care about Cas! He's my friend!"

"Then why have you been ignoring him the entire break?" 

"Wha- That's none of your business Joanna Beth." 

"Fuck you Dean. I'm not losing out on this gig. I already told him that we would do it. And the rest of the band agreed. So with or without you we are doing this gig tonight, and I honestly don't give a fuck whether you show up or not. Charlie will text you the address be there at 5 or don't but man up and quit being a major asshole to Cas or I swear to God I'll cut your dick off and feed it to rabid dogs. Oh and you'll also have to deal with Charlie, Garth, and Ash."

"Jo don't you dare-" and she hung up on me. I growled at my phone and threw it on my bed. I sat up, "Fuck!" I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I took a quick shower and got dressed. Once I was dressed I went down the stairs into the kitchen.

Sam was sitting at the table, nose deep in some book. "You're awake," he said without even looking up. I huffed, "Well I had an extremely rude wake up call from one Joanna Beth Harvelle." I walked to the fridge and opened it looking for something to eat.

"I made tuna salad, it's on the counter." I shut the fridge and walked over to the sandwiches. I picked one up off the plate on the counter and took a big bite.

"You wanna talk about it?" I rolled my eyes, "No Samantha I don't want to talk about it or my feelings." Sam shrugged, "I was just trying to be nice, you don't have to get all pissy with me because you're an asshole." 

"What did you talk to Jo too? Are you all out to get me?" I stomped over to the sink and got a glass of water. Sam set his book down, "Actually Dean we all are pretty pissed with you right now." 

"Why? What did I do to invoke the wrath of every goddamn person that knows me?" 

"Cas." I slammed my water glass down on the counter, "What about him?" Sam sighed, "Look Dean I'm your brother and I know more about you then you probably do. I can tell when you're upset. I can tell when you're angry. I can tell when you're happy and I can definitely tell when you like someone. Dean you've got it bad." 

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about Sam."

"You like Cas. Like a lot Dean. I haven't seen you act like this about someone since Lisa."

"Shut the hell up Sam."

"No. Listen to me Dean you like Cas. I know, I can tell. Now whether or not you want to man up and do something about it is up to you. But I gotta tell you that I've been talking to Cas over the break when mom takes me with her to clean the church and he's a really cool guy. He likes you too Dean. Its pretty much written all over his face. Or it might as well be with the way he looks at you."

"You know what? You're going to do that thing where you shut the hell up, forever." But Sam still spoke, "I've watched him keep his distance Dean. He's been walking on eggshells around you at church and I know he's tried to call you and text you but you keep ignoring him. Dean he's hurting and he needs a friend and yeah he's got me and Jo and Garth and Ash and Charlie but he really needs you. You were his first friend and right now you're the one he needs. You just need to get your head out of your ass and accept the fact that you like Cas." 

"What makes you so sure I even like Cas huh? How do you even know?"

"You wrote two songs about him Dean. You haven't written any songs about anyone since Lisa."

"You want me to write a song about someone? What ryhmes with 'Shut up Sam'?" 

"Dean I'm serious!"

"So am I!" I slammed my fist on the counter, "Its none of your goddamn business! Its not Jo's business. Its not Charlie's business. Its not anybodies business but mine OK?!?" Sam sighed, "And here is just another sign that you like Cas." I grit my teeth, "Fuck you Sam." And I walked out of the kitchen. 

"Where are you going Dean?" 

"Out!" I slammed the front door on my way out. It wasn't their business. It wasn't.

I parked baby on the side of the road and got out. I kicked a rock and screamed, "Why is this so hard?" I slumped down to the ground, "This shouldn't be so hard. Either you like him or you don't Dean." I buried my face in my hands and sighed, "You like him or you don't, its that simple. Or is it?" I stood up and started pacing, "I mean it should be that simple right? But why isn't it? Is it because he's a guy? Probably. But I have feelings for him there's no denying that, even Sam can see that. This shouldn't be so hard. You see something you want you go after it that's how Dean Winchester does things. But Cas, he's different. Why is this so hard!" 

I got back in baby and drove towards the party. If I was going to make an appearance then I at least needed to be on time.

"Holy Mary mother of God." 

"Don't act so surprised Joanna Beth." Jo placed her hand over her mouth surprised, "Dean you're on time. Oh my God this never happens. Charlie! Charlie quick a miracle has happened!" 

"Shut up Jo," I took my guitar out of the case and started to set things up. 

"Jo? What is it? What happened?" Charlie came into the room looking worried, "Jo I heard you yell what is it? Is something- Oh my God. Dean? You're on time?" I rolled my eyes, "Laugh it up girls cause next time I'll be extra late. On purpose." Jo rolled her eyes and Charlie just laughed.

"Well it sounds like everyone is having a good time in here." We all looked towards the doorway where Metatron was standing. 

"Metatron, thank you for inviting us here to perform." Jo spoke first, always the level headed one. 

"Yes well seems as you are the only relatively decent band in the entire school, I didn't have much choice." I smirked, "Yeah well its still great to be here. Beat up any innocent blue eyed boys lately Met?" 

"Oh what would you care Deano? From what I hear you've been ignoring your blue eyed damsel for the past month or so now. What's up with that Dean? Did you get bored with him?" 

"Oh you son of a-"

"Oh please finish that statement Dean. I would love to have a reason for my security guards to beat the shit out of you." I bit my tounge and glared at Metatron. He smirked, "That's better. Now if we are ready to get this party started I have picked out the songs you can perform from your portfolio and placed them on the table with your costumes. Any questions?" We shook our heads.

"Good then I'll leave you to it." He turned to leave and I blurted, "Why do you hate Cas so much huh? I mean what did he ever do to you?" 

"Dean. Shut. Up." Jo grit out through clenched teeth. Metatron laughed, "Oh Dean, if you want to know that you should ask your boyfriend." And with that he walked away.

I glared in the direction he had left until Jo smacked me. "What the hell Jo!"

"Can't you just learn to keep your big mouth shut? It was hard enough to get this gig after what happened with him, Charlie and me but then you have to go and open your big mouth!" 

"What was I supposed to do Jo? Huh? Just stand here with my mouth shut like I'm his bitch?"

"Yes! Because right now you are his bitch! He holds all the cards here Dean! He can kick us out and get another band to play he has that power!"

"Why did we even agree to this! I mean we all hate Metadouche and he hates us! So why the fuck are we here Jo? Huh? Why?"

"Because of me!" We turned to look at Garth, "We're here because of me." 

"Garth? What do you mean?" 

"Garth you don't have to answer Dean, he's being a dick right now anyway." I glared at Jo, "What is your problem with me Jo?"

"The way you treat Cas, Dean. Your being an asshole to him."

"That's none of your business Jo."

"Actually its all of our business Dean," Charlie whispered from the corner by the table. 

"What are you talking about?" Charlie sighed, "Dean we as a band have become really close friends with Cas." 

"How? When? Why?"

"Well when you started talking to him I figured I would get to know him better too. I have first period with him. Jo and Garth have fourth period with him and Chuck and Ash have sixth period with him. We've all gotten to know him as well as we can. He's really quiet and kinda private but we all know him in our own ways." 

"When were you guys gonna tell me this?" Jo scoffed, "I didn't think that I had to have clearance from you to make friends Dean." I rolled my eyes, "That's not what I meant Jo." 

"Sure it isn't." I sighed, "Whatever, Garth you wanna tell me why we're here?" Garth looked at the ground, "I need the money." 

"Care to elaborate?" He sighed, "Look Dean, I have cancer, its not terminal right now but, unless they can operate on the tumor soon it could kill me. That's why we're here. I overheard Metatron talking about this party before break and I volunteered us for the job. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner Dean, I just was running out of options." 

"Garth," I shook my head, "you should've told me sooner man." 

"I know. I'm sorry." I walked over to Garth and put my hand on his shoulder, "We'll get through this Garth. We'll play tonight and we'll all give money for your operation. Let's do this guys." 

We quickly got dressed in our 'costumes' and took to the stage. The stage was actually just a raised platform in Metatron's living room, which was probably bigger than my house. Tons of people were crammed into the huge room in front of the stage waiting for the band. Some of them had drinks and some of them were probably already drunk. 

I stepped up to the mic feeling very self conscious about what I was wearing. My shirt was a black button up that was buttoned all the way, I had to wear a red and white striped tie, black dress pants, and black dress shoes. Jo and Charlie were wearing matching outfits of a white button up, red ties, black mini skirts, and black flats. Ash (who showed up last minute) and Garth were wearing red button ups with white ties, black dress pants, and black dress shoes.

I never looked this nice, except for when I went to church. I cleared my throat, "Hey everybody! How are we feeling tonight?" The crowd cheered, "Awesome! Well tonight we are going to party! So please give a round of applause to me and my band: Team Free Will!" The crowed clapped and cheered and went crazy. 

I started our first song:

"We are a group of rebellious kids  
We take take take but never give  
Don't cross our path or you might not live  
Cause once you mess with us you'll regret it

Team that's what we are  
Free that's what we're fighting for  
Will we keep ours and live  
We never back down and we never  
Never forgive

You may think we are just a bunch of saps  
But mess with us and you might not make it back  
Three boys two girls prepared to rule the world  
Our victory flag will soon be unfurled

Team that's what we are  
Free that's what were fighting for  
Will we keep ours and live  
We never back down and we never  
Never forgive

So save yourselves  
Or get stuck in this hell  
The world is ours  
If you couldn't tell

Team that's what we are  
Free that's what were fighting for  
Will we keep ours and live  
We never back down and we never  
Never forgive

Team that's what we are  
Free that's what were fighting for  
Will we keep ours and live  
We never back down and we never  
Never forgive"

The crowd cheered and demanded an encore. But I just went into the next song. We played like that for two hours one song into the next into the next, only playing the songs that Metatron had said we could play. All of them were songs that Chuck had written. Finally we are in our last song for the night.

"Alright guys," I said into the mic, "you guys have been awesome you really have but sadly we must leave." The crowd awed in disappointment, "Don't worry now we still have one last song to play before we leave." I gazed out into the crowd scanning faces. Some people I recognized others, not so much.

As I opened my mouth to announce the name of the song my eyes met a pair of blue eyes. I closed my mouth and stared at Cas. He was here? Why? When had he got here? What was he doing here? 

A girl with red hair that was standing next to him leaned up and whispered something in his ear. He looked at her, then his gaze landed on mine and something inside me snapped under that intense blue gaze.

"Tonight ladies and gentleman," I cleared my throat, "There is someone special in the audience. Someone who deserves everything good but somehow got overlooked. So to show this person how much they mean to me, I'm dedicating this last song to them." I turned around to the confused faces of my band.

"Dean what are you doing?" Jo whispered, "This is not what we are supposed to play."

"Just follow my lead guys OK? You gotta trust me." I turned back to the mic, "I know I've done some things wrong and I haven't handled this the way I should but I want you to know I'm sorry man." I looked out and saw Cas' face soften I smiled a little and started to play:

"I know that I'm not perfect  
I couldn't be if I tried  
But sometimes I wonder  
What do you see?

You think you're not perfect  
You never even tried  
But sometimes you wonder  
What I see.

I see you  
I see all the things you can do  
I see blue  
I see the truth  
And I know right now you hate me  
And I know that it's my fault  
But if you could forgive me  
I would make it up to you  
Because you are worth it  
Because you are perfect

I know that you're angry  
You have a right to be  
But sometimes I wonder  
What you think

You know I'm sorry  
I'll make it up to you  
But sometimes you wonder  
What I think

I think about you  
I think about the things you do  
I think in blue  
I think of you  
And I know right now you hate me  
And I know that its my fault  
But if you could forgive me  
I would make it up to you  
Because you are worth it  
Because you are perfect

And I know I don't deserve you  
And I know that I have hurt you  
And I hope that you'll forgive me  
I made up my mind  
And its you

I see you  
I think about you  
I see the truth  
I think of you  
And I know right now you hate me  
And I know its my fault  
But if you could forgive me  
I would make it up to you  
Because you are worth it  
Because you are perfect."

I looked out at Cas, he was crying. 

"Thanks everybody we had a great time enjoy the rest of the party and remember don't drive drunk!" We walked off the stage everybody begging for an encore.

"What. The. Hell. Dean!" Jo slapped me, "seriously? What was that? You can't just change the song like that! If Metatron doesn't pay us-"

"It'll be my fault I know. But I had to sing that song Jo."

"Why?" I sighed, "Because I wrote it for Cas. He was there in the audience and I had to apologize to him. I had to let him know how I feel Jo. Because I'm shit at expressing my feelings and that was the only way I could think of." 

"Oh," And that was all Jo said. 

"What are you waiting for then?" I looked at Charlie confused, "Cas is out there right now Dean. And you're still back here! Go out there and tell him face to face. Go!" I nodded, "Thanks Charlie." 

"Go!" 

I walked out into the crowd. The next band was already playing on the stage. Tons of people didn't even recognize me, which was good, so I made my way through the crowd easily. I looked for Cas but couldn't find him. Man it was easier to find him from the stage.

I kept walking and looking when I finally spotted him. "Cas!" He turned and looked at me. Then he whispered something to the red headed girl and started walking away.

"Cas wait!" I pushed through the crowd trying to follow him. He disappeared into the crowd and I shoved my way towards where he disappeared.

"Cas!" I yelled once I broke through the crowd. I looked around and saw him walking up the stairs. I followed him up the stairs and into a huge bedroom. "Cas?" He didn't say anything just shut the door behind me.

"Hello Dean." 

"Cas," I smiled, "So uh I saw you in the crowd." 

"I know." I cleared my throat and felt a blush rise in my cheeks, "Yeah well uh I hope you know that song was about you." 

"I do."

"Oh, OK well that's good." We stood there in an awkward silence. 

"So uh I guess you're pretty mad at me huh?" Cas scoffed, "Well I don't know Dean. How do you think I'm supposed to react? You kiss me then you won't talk to me. We go on break I'm depressed and you come after me. Then you tell me that you like me and we make out in the back of your car and fall asleep together but the next day you drop me off say we are 'friends' and then won't return any of my phone calls or texts! I haven't even been the crazy ex girlfriend either! I didn't bombard your phone with voice mails and texts! I didn't call you every day and sit there waiting for you to call me back! I mean I assumed that you would call back or respond to my texts but instead you ignored me! Why Dean? You can't just tell someone that you like them and then treat them like that! Do you know how much I needed you? Do you have any idea what I went through?" 

"Cas I'm sorry! OK! I am, I just, Fuck! I've never felt this way before alright? Especially not about another guy. I mean I've had sex with guys but it never meant anything. It was always just sex. But with you its different. I mean, you make me feel things Cas, things I've never felt before. And I'm just so fucking confused. I'm sorry I didn't handle the situation the way it should've been handled OK? I just did what I always do when in doubt, run." 

"Dean, I do not know what to do. I like you Dean, but I cannot handle being on this emotional rollercoaster with you. Not with everything else going on in my life." I sighed, "Let me make it up to you." Cas shook his head, "Dean I can't-" 

I didn't want to hear anymore of what Cas had to say. I finally knew what I wanted and I was going to get it. I walked up to Cas crowding him against the closed door and pressed our lips together. "No more talking Cas. I know what I want." 

"Dean-" I kissed Cas again, "Cas, if you don't want this then you need to tell me now. Because this is what I want." I looked into those deep blue pools and then Cas' lips were on mine. I smiled into the kiss finally getting what I wanted.

I moved my hands from the door to Cas' hips moving closer, so that our bodies were pressed together. Cas moaned and I felt it all the way to my groin. I licked at Cas' lips trying to gain entry. He tentatively complied, opening his mouth for me. I wasted no time licking into his mouth dancing with his tongue. He moaned again and I growled. 

I gently bit down on his lower lip nibbling and sucking on it. Cas groaned and rubbed his hips against mine.

"Oh Cas," I moaned, "Cas, Cas, Cas, please tell me you want this."

"I want this Dean. I want this, I want you." I moved my lips to Cas' jaw kissing and sucking a trail from his mouth to his neck. 

"Dean." I bit and sucked at a particularly sensitive part of Cas' neck, the juncture where his neck met his collar bone. He kept moaning and panting, grinding against me. I ran my tongue against the cold metal of the necklace that Cas always wore.

"Cas, you're so beautiful." I ran my hands up his sides finding the buttons on his shirt. I slowly began to undo the buttons kissing and sucking at the newly exposed skin. 

"Dean wait." Cas gasped but I was too far gone. I sucked a hickey on his collar bone and kept undoing his button up.

"Dean stop," Cas tried to push me off but my mouth was attached to the skin under his collar bone. "Dean Stop!" He tried to push me off but it was too late, I had kissed too low.

"Cas what the hell?" I pulled back and shoved his shirt open. There were cuts all over His chest and stomach. Most of them were healed completely but some of them had clearly been deep cause they were still healing.

"Dean wait," Cas reached out to grab me but I stepped back, "Cas what the hell! Why? Why did you do that? What-"

"Dean please just listen to me. I'm trying to stop I am I just there was an incident the day you dropped me off at home. I couldn't take it! The voice and my father and I just-"

"What the Fuck Cas! Why didn't you fucking call me?" Cas glared at me, "I did call you Dean. You didn't answer, and you didn't call me back! I needed you Dean! Why didn't you answer?" 

"You didn't tell me that you were playing fruit ninja on your fucking chest in your voicemail! God Cas! Look at you!" I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes, "Cas this- you can't keep doing this to yourself." 

"Don't you think I know that Dean! I'm trying so so hard but I have no one! You can't help me!"

"Then tell me how!" I grasped Cas' face gently between my hands, "Tell me how I'm supposed to help you Cas because I don't know how. I've never been where you are man. Help me to help you Cas, please." 

I watched as Cas broke in front of me. It started in his eyes and traveled to the rest of his face. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he replied, voice broken, "I don't know Dean." 

I wiped the tears off his face with my thumbs, "Cas-"

"I don't know Dean! I don't know!" He was sobbing now trying to push me away.

"Hey Cas! Hey," I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my chest. He was sobbing but he wrapped his arms around me and held on for dear life.

"I'm sorry Dean. I'm so so sorry, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know."

"Shh Cas, its OK. I'm here Cas, I'm here and I'm not leaving this time. I promise." I kissed the top of Cas' head and held him while he cried. Eventually he calmed down, "I'm sorry Dean."

"Its OK Cas. I'm here for you. I'm not running this time. I promise." Cas looked up, his eyes puffy and red from crying, "Dean you don't have to-"

"Let me help you Cas. Let me be there for you, let me take care of you." Cas sniffled, "Like a, like a boyfriend?" 

"Uh yeah sure," I could feel a blush rise in my cheeks, "I mean uh that is if uh if you want I mean-" Cas leaned forward and silenced me with a kiss, "Yes Dean." I smiled and kissed him again.


	23. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to post this chapter. Both of us went on vacation at different times so nothing was being written. We hope this makes up for how long it took to get it done. Thanks for your support keep reading and leaving comments and kudos! Your comments give us ideas! 
> 
> With love  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176

This was all too good to be true. It couldn't really be happening. I pinched my thigh to see if I was dreaming. I wasn't.

"Dean," I pushed him gently, trying to create some space between us. 

"Cas is something wrong?" His breath was hot on my lips as he spoke. His lips hovering over mine wanting more.

"No nothing is wrong. Well maybe a little..."

"Cas you're not making sense," Dean stepped back, "Is this wrong? I mean, am I moving too fast? Cause if I am you need to tell me. Cause I've been thinking about this moment since the last time I kissed you. And my body might be getting ahead of the rest of me."

"No Dean, I've been wanting this too its just...I am...afraid." Dean took another step back and looked at me, "Why?" I sighed, "Its...well...nothing good ever happens in my life so...I'm afraid this is all...that it might be..."

"What? You think this is uh...prank? Or something?" I nodded, "Yes." Dean sighed and stepped out of my personal space, "Cas why would you think that?" I shrugged, "Good things do not usually happen to me."

"Cas look at me." I slowly lifted my eyes to those beautiful green orbs. Dean placed a hand on my cheek, "Cas...look I'm... God I'm shit with-with feelings and shit like that but...Jesus Cas...this...us...its not nothing...damn...I've never felt like this about-about anyone...Cas you just-just gotta believe me Cas...I-I care about you...I just...fuck...I just suck at showing it..." 

"Dean," I placed my hand over his, "Please just promise me one thing." 

"Of course Cas, anything." 

"Promise me that this won't change when people find out. That you won't run and that you'll still want me. Despite what people think promise me that you'll still be here." 

"Cas," Dean looked me in the eyes, "I promise." I smiled, "I believe you Dean." Dean smiled and slowly started to invade my personal space, "Can I-uh can I kiss you again?" He looked nervous and that made me smile.

"I was hoping you would," I quickly closed the distance that remained between us. Pressing my lips gently to Dean's. I was still in shock, this had to be a dream. There's no way that its really real. But the feel of Dean's lips against mine, the insistent way he kisses me, like he needs me, I couldn't dream that no matter how hard I tried. 

I pressed in closer to Dean so that our chests were together. I could feel the nerves building in my stomach. I had never done this before and I had no idea what I was doing.

"Dean," I whispered, "I don't know what I'm doing." Dean kissed my lips and pulled away a little, "Just follow my lead Cas. You're doing fine." He kissed me again, just a quick peck on my lips. Then he moved down my jaw to my neck, kissing, sucking, nipping. It felt so good, I moaned. 

Dean's lips kept moving farther down. Down to my collar bone across my chest, over my heart. Lower and lower and oh no lower.

"Dean," I gasped as he sucked on the skin by my hip bone, "Dean wait." 

"Shh Cas, just let it happen." 

"No no Dean wait." Dean stopped and looked up at me. When had he got down on his knees and why was that so damn sexy? 

"Cas what is it?" Dean slowly stood up, "What's wrong?" I gulped, "Dean, I've never done anything like this before. I'm-I'm scared. I...I don't know if I'm ready for this." I looked at the floor.

"Cas," Dean placed a hand under my chin, making me look up at him, "If you're not ready for this, then I'm not ready for this. We'll go at your pace." 

"You'd do that? For me?" Dean chuckled, "Why do you sound so surprised?" 

"Well you kind of have quite the reputation for one night stands Dean." Dean shrugged, "Fair enough. Alright how about this, I'll just do my thing and if its too much for you then just tell me to stop and I'll stop. Is that OK?" 

"Um," I thought about it. Would it be OK? What if Dean didn't stop when I told him to? What if this was all some big joke? What if I'm an experiment? A game? A prank? Meaningless, worthless, loser. 

I shook my head, "I just, I don't know if that's a good idea." Dean took a small step back, "Alright, what are you comfortable with?" 

"Uh, can we just stick to kissing right now?" Dean smiled sweetly, "Sure Cas. You wanna move over to the bed?" I bit my lip, "I don't know Dean."

"Hey Cas all we're doing is kissing. I swear. Scouts honor." 

"Dean-"

"Do you trust me Cas?" I cautiously looked into Deans eyes. All I could see was honesty, nervousness, and something that looked like adoration? Slowly I nodded, "Yes Dean. I trust you." 

"Good." Dean laced our fingers together and led me over to the bed, "Do you want to sit or?" I looked at Dean and could see how nervous he really was. It was strange to see him so nervous but also kind of endearing. I smiled and leaned in close to Dean, "I'll follow your lead." Dean pressed our lips together and I sighed into the kiss. 

He stepped away too soon and sat on the bed. I stood in front of him awkwardly not sure what to do. Dean grinned, "Have you ever straddled anyone before?" I blushed, "Ah, no I have never had occasion to explore things of a sexual nature." 

"Nothing sexual at all?" I shook my head. Dean sighed, "Damn I'm dealing with a virgin virgin. Alright what you do is place your legs on either side of mine and kind lower yourself onto my lap." 

I nodded and stepped forward. I leaned over Dean placing my hands on his shoulders to keep myself steady. I cautiously climbed onto Dean's lap. He placed his hands on my lower back and pulled me flush against his body. 

"Is this OK Cas?" I nodded, "Yes, I like this." Dean smiled, his eyes drifted down to my lips, "I'm gonna kiss you again." 

"Good." Dean leaned in and kissed me again. It felt so good. Kissing Dean. It was slowly becoming an addiction of mine.

I nipped at his lower lip and he moaned. I moved my hands to rest on his chest. I could feel his heart beating under my palm. Ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom. It was strange, being so close to someone that I could feel their heart beat. 

"Cas," Dean's lips moved expertly against mine, taking and giving in the most desirable way.

"Dean," I decided to experiment a little bit. Slowly I shifted on Dean's lap, moving my lips to kiss at his jaw. He gasped and I felt his hand move up my back and into my hair.

"Cas, you drive me crazy." I smirked and moved from his jaw to his neck, biting and sucking, making sure to leave marks. 

Dean moved his hands to my chest, his palms gently caressing the bare skin there. I froze, I forgot that he had unbuttoned my shirt earlier.

"Hey Cas, no don't be like that." I pulled away, "Dean I-I can't I'm... I just can't." 

"Castiel look at me." I looked up at Dean and he placed his palm on my cheek, "Cas, I don't care about all....that....I mean I care that you did it. I care that it happened. I want it to stop because you don't need that kind of shit in your life but it doesn't make me want you any less. We all have our demons Cas, this is part of who you are. This is part of what makes you who you are, and I like you, Cas. No matter what." 

"Do you...do you really mean that? All of that Dean?" Dean grabbed my wrists and pulled me back into his lap, "Every word Cas." He leaned down and kissed one of my cuts, "This doesn't bother me." He kissed another one, and another one, and another, and another. 

"Dean," I sighed, "I've never felt this way before. Not about anyone." 

"Me either Cas," he whispered barely loud enough for me to hear it. I threaded my fingers through Dean's hair while he lovingly, there's really no other word to describe it, kissed every single one of the cuts on my chest and stomach. 

"I'm gonna take your shirt off Cas." 

"Only if you take yours off too Dean." Dean leaned back a little bit and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it to the side somewhere. Then he grabbed my shirt and pushed it off my shoulders. As soon as my shirt hit the floor his lips were on my arms, kissing every single cut and scar.

I felt tears start to roll down my cheeks and wondered when I had started crying. I sniffled, "Dean why are you doing this?" 

"Because Cas, I care about you. Not just your body, but your soul too and damn you have a beautiful soul, I can tell." 

"Dean," I leaned forward, "Thank you." Dean leaned in closer and as our lips were about to touch there was a bright flash of light. 

"What the-" 

"Dean?" 

"Way to go Deaner!" I blinked until my vision cleared and then I froze. Standing in the open doorway was Metatron, and oh my god, a bunch of kids we go to school with.

"What's going on?" I suddenly realized how exposed I was and threw on the first shirt I could find. Metatron laughed, "Oh Cassie don't you get it? Why else would I invite you to my party? I invited you here to humiliate you. And dear old Dean volunteered to help." 

People say that when you're betrayed by the person you trust it feels like you're being stabbed in the heart. They weren't lying. 

I could feel tears start to build up in my eyes, "Dean? Is that true?" 

"Of course its not true Cas! How can you believe that lying bastard?" 

"Oh Dean," Metatron chuckled, "You did a good job. I've got what I need. Thanks so much." He threw a rolled up wad of bills at Dean's feet. "See you at school freak." 

Him and his entourage left the room and shut the door. I stood there in shock processing what had happened. I knew I shouldn't have come to this stupid party. 

"Cas don't listen to that douche bag. There is no way I'd help him hurt anyone, especially you. I fucking hate that guy." 

"He took a picture Dean! He got a picture of me with my shirt off! Oh my God! Now he knows about my problem! He fucking knows Dean!" Tears were streaming down my face making my vision blur, "That was my secret Dean! Mine! Nobody was supposed to know! Now everyone will!"

"Cas listen to me damnit! This wasn't planned alright? You just need to trust me." 

"Trust you? Trust you! I did trust you! I thought you were different Dean! I thought that we were friends! I thought you wanted more! But just like everything else in my life I thought wrong." 

"Cas just listen to me, please."

"No! Fuck you Dean!" I fled the room furiously wiping tears from my face. A group of kids by the stairs whislted and cat called as I walked by but I ignored them. I needed to get the hell out of here.

The cold night air hit me in the face as I left the party. I was done with this. All of this. What's the point of living if we're all gonna die anyway? 

I walked home in the dark. I didn't care if I got murdered or mugged. Life doesn't matter anyways. My father was asleep when I walked in the door. The T.V. had been left on and he was asleep on the couch. 

I shut the television off and put a blanket over my father. Despite everything he'd done to me, I still loved the man. I sighed, "Good night Father." I went up to my room and collapsed on my bed. 

The tears I had been fighting to hold in came bursting out. I laid on my bed with my arms wrapped around my legs, sobbing. 

"Why do bad things always happen to me?" I asked no one, "Haven't I suffered enough?" I curled into the fetal position and gripped my pendant tightly in one hand sobbing until sleep finally overcame me.

When I woke up the next morning I was covered up with one of my mother's quilts. I grabbed the edges and pulled the blanket closer to me. I guess my Father still cares a little. Even if he hardly ever shows it.

I looked out my open door and saw his door shut down the hallway. He was either at the church or still sleeping. I slowly got out of bed and checked my phone. 

About a dozen missed calls and texts. From Anna and Gabriel and Dean. I scoffed, I wasn't in the mood for anything Dean had to say to me.

I dropped my phone on my bed and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. I cooked up some eggs and bacon and poured myself a glass of orange juice. I ate in silence, alone listening for any signs that my father was still at home.

When I finished breakfast I did the dishes and went back upstairs to my room. I checked my phone again. There was a new message from a number I didn't recognize. 

I debated on whether or not to open it for about 5 seconds. I opened it and read the text.

'Castiel, an angel are you.  
The sky cannot compare to your eyes  
So blue.  
I have something  
I want to show you.  
Text back yes  
And we can go to.'

That's a strange message. Who the heck would send me something like that? I pondered whether or not it would be wise to respond, but couriousity won and I sent back, 'yes?' 

A minute later I got another text.

'So glad am I  
For your quick reply.  
Happier I could not be,  
Unless you would please  
Come and meet me  
In the park  
By the old oak tree  
At no later than 10:30?'

OK this had to be some sort of prank. I sighed and texted back, 'See you then.' I was not about to be humiliated again. So I grabbed my pepper spray and some paint that I hardly use and headed out the door. Let's see who gets the last laugh this time.

The walk to the park wasn't too terribly bad and by the time I got there it was 10:29. I smiled a little knowing that I had beat this mystery person to the meeting place. At least I wouldn't be caught off guard.

I jumped when I suddenly heard the sound of a guitar coming from behind me. I turned around and watched as none other than Dean Winchester came out from behind the tree.

He looked up at me and started to sing:

" I close my eyes  
and wish to see you  
I hold my breath  
Hoping it will come true  
I take a chance  
And open them again  
And there you are

So take my hand  
And give me your trust  
Its time for you to open up  
I'll hold you close  
And give you all my love  
Cause you're the one  
The one I've been dreaming of

I go home  
And I'm alone  
Empty inside  
Tired of trying to hide  
When in the end all I want is you  
I close my eyes  
And there you are

So take my hand  
And give me your trust  
Its time for you to open up  
I'll hold you close  
And give you all my love  
Cause you're the one  
The one I've been dreaming of

I close my eyes  
And all I see is you  
I make a choice  
And its you too  
I can't turn back  
My heart is stuck on you  
I open my eyes  
And there you are

So take my hand  
And give me your trust  
Its time for you to open up  
I'll hold you close  
And give you all my love  
Cause you're the one  
The one I've been dreaming of

I can not explain to you  
All the things I say and do  
Whenever you are near me  
You drive me crazy

So take my hand  
And give me your trust  
Its time for you to open up  
I'll hold you close  
And give you all my love  
Cause you're the one  
The one I've been dreaming of

So take my hand  
And give me your love  
Its time for you to open up  
I'll keep you close  
You have all my love  
Cause you're the one  
The one I'm dreaming of  
Cause your the one  
The one I love." 

I stood there in stunned silence my pepper spray and paint forgotten. 

Dean sighed and set his guitar down against the tree, "Look Cas, last night was-fuck it was shit man. That wasn't at all what I had planned. I wanted us to just have a good time and be together and fucking Metadouche ruined it. I'm sorry Cas. I really truly am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, ever. What happened last night, I wasn't a part of that Cas. Everything I said I meant. I wasn't in on Metadouche's plan or anything. I could never hurt you like that Cas. You're too special. I don't know if you'll really believe me or not but I'm glad you came here and let me explain. Well? Are you gonna say anything?"

"That song," I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Did you write that?" Dean smiled a shy little half smile, "Yeah I did. Last night. Well actually it was more like this morning, I haven't slept yet. I couldn't get you off my mind." 

"Dean," I cautiously stepped closer to him, "How do I know that I can trust you?" Dean sighed, "I don't know Cas." I smiled a little, "Did you write that song about me?" 

"Cas I write all my songs about you. Ever since that day that I knocked you over in the hallway I haven't been able to think about anything but you." I blushed, "You mean that?" 

"Scouts honor." I stepped a little bit closer to Dean and he took a step forward too. He kicked at some melting snow on the ground, "So, do you trust me?" I looked at him for a minute then sighed, "Yes Dean. God help me, I trust you." Dean smiled a full smile, the kind that shows all of your teeth, "That's the best thing I've heard all day." 

"Can we kiss and make up now?" 

"Hell yes we can," Dean quickly closed the distance between us and captured my lips in a sweet and tender kiss. Perhaps life wasn't so bad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be posted ASAP!!


	24. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's casgirl176 here. Just wanted to let you guys know that I wrote most of this chapter (and it's only a filler chapter sorry!!) and brown eyed fallen angel edited it and made it like way better. and I'm only the beta and she kindly let me give it a try so I just wanted you guys to give me some feedback and let me know how I did. I was really nervous and I wasn't sure if you guys would like it or not so please let me know thank you and enjoy<3 love you guys ;D

"Dean would you stop pacing? you're giving me a headache."

I sat down on our living room couch reluctantly and rubbed my temples. I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened at Metatron's party. I should've known that he was up to no good. First asking my band to play and then inviting Cas. God I should've seen it coming.

"Fuck Sammy, I feel guilty as hell. God, when am I going to stop screwing shit up?" 

"Hey my plan worked right? Cas isn't angry with you anymore so what are you so worried about?" I shrugged. Sam sighed, "Dean what happened wasn't your fault, ok? It was that dicks fault, you couldn't have known what was going to happen." I looked down at my hands which rested in my lap. "Then why do I feel so fucking bad about it? Like it's my fault that it happened?"

"Look Dean, if you feel so guilty, then just take the guy out, it'll be good for the both of you." I looked at Sam, confused. "Take him out?" Sam rolled his eyes, "Yea you know, like a date or whatever. Take him to a carnival or a picnic or a nice restaurant and be all cliché and gooey and romantic."

Great. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I hadn't realized I said it out loud until Sam dramatically sighed and rolled his eyes and said, "How the hell would I know? I'm 13, Dean. I just know a little from all those romance movies I watch with Sarah. Sorry man, you're on your own with this one." Sam gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and left the room. I felt truly fucked.

When I got to Jo's house everyone was hanging around. Garth, Ash, and Chuck were sitting on the old couch in the garage playing go fish, while Jo and Charlie sat at the bar that Bobby had installed in the corner.

"What's everyone laying around for? I thought this was band practice not play time." Jo rolled her eyes, "Relax Winchester. We don't have any gigs coming up in the near future and we all just made 1,000 bucks working Metatron's party. We deserve a break." 

"Yeah come on Dean, take a seat here next to your old buddy Ash." I sighed, "Guys we really should practice. That way we stay prepared for anything that might come up." 

"Dean winter break is over in two days. Nobody is gonna want to book us for anything." I cursed Charlie under my breath, she's always right. 

"Come on Dean," Chuck interjected, "You overwork yourself. Relax for once." I knew I had lost when Jo glared at me, "Alright fine. Today we can just hang out." 

"Atta boy Dean!" Ash clapped, "Come take a load off and play sharks with the big boys." I rolled my eyes, "Whatever Ash." 

We sat around playing go fish and Mario kart till about 8:30 that night. I glanced at my phone then stood up, "Well it was a pleasure kicking your asses in Mario kart but I gotta head. Charles may I have a word?" 

"Of course you may Deanna." Charlie stood up and walked out to baby with me.

"Later Dean!" 

"See ya losers!" Charlie nugded me with her shoulder, "So, Dean, what's up? Something on your mind?" 

"Yeah, Charlie I've got a problem." I leaned against the drivers side and Charlie sat on the hood, "Well don't be all mysterious Jedi on me now Darth. Spill." I chuckled, "Cool your jets obi wan. I kinda fucked up me and Cas." Charlie slapped me, "Dean you asshat! Why?" 

"Hey easy there! Look Metatron set Cas up. The only reason Cas got invited was so that Metadouche could humiliate him. And I feel like its my fault. If I hadn't pushed him then maybe Metatron wouldn't have gotten what he wanted." 

"Dean, its not your fault. Have you at least said anything to Cas about it?" I sighed, "Yeah, I uh - wrote him a song and apologized. He trusts me Charlie. He believes that I had no part in it but, God I don't know I just still feel so guilty about it all." 

"Let's finish this convo back at my place. If I'm not home soon mom'll have my head on a silver stake." 

"Alright, Vlad, I'll give you a lift." 

When we got to Charlie's house the front door was already open.

"Oh man, she's pissed." Charlie cautiously walked in the front door, "Yoda protect me." I followed her in. 

"Charlene Celeste Middleton-Bradbury! You are late!" Charlie's mom yelled from the living room. Charlie cringed, "Dean she used the full full name, not just the full name but the full full name. I am so dead." 

"Relax Charlie I'll take care of it." I walked in the room with my classic Winchester smirk in place, "Hey Mrs. Bradbury? How's it going?" Charlie's mom glared at me from the couch, "Dean Winchester. Is it your fault my daughter's late?" I nodded, "Yes ma'am my car got a flat. I do apologize Mrs. Bradbury, however, in all fairness Charlie is only a minute late. Can't we just forgo this incursion and let bygones be bygones?" 

"What does that even mean?" Charlie whispered hiding behind me. I shrugged and smirked at her mom, "Please Mrs. Bradbury?" 

"Well," she sighed, "I suppose just this once though. You hear me Dean?" 

"Loud and clear ma'am." 

"Good now get outta here before I change my mind." I smiled and ushered Charlie up the stairs. 

"Thanks Dean, I owe you one." 

"Just help me with Cas and we'll call it even." Charlie smiled, "Deal." 

We went into her room and I sat down on the bed. She shut the door and sat down across from me, "Now you listen carefully Winchester. I will do everything in my power to help you blow Cas' mind with your Winchester charm. Now, I'm doing this because, one: you're my best friend and I love you, and two: you guys are like, totally my OTP." 

"What the hell is an OTP?" 

"One true pairing. Now don't distract," She put a hand on my thigh and continued, "Dean, I'm so glad you finally got your head out of your ass and made a move. You have no idea how much I wanted to rip your balls off for hurting that poor kid." She looks into my wide eyes and says, "if you ever hurt him again I swear-"

I held my hands up before she could finish, "Charlie, Jesus, I will never hurt Cas again. I care about him too much...I like him Charlie... I like him a lot. Please, you gotta help me make it the best night of his life." Charlie smiled softly, "Well we better get to it then." 

She hopped off the bed and walked to her desk, "Now here's the plan. You need to call Cas as soon as you get home and invite him on a date. Then when he says yes-"

"What if he says no?"

"He won't say no shut up and save your questions for the end of the lesson." I rolled my eyes, "Yes teacher."

"Watch it bucko, now after he says yes, which he totally will," She grabbed a notebook off her desk and walked back over to the bed, "You need to plan said date." 

"I won't know what I'm doing with him till after I call him? That doesn't seem very smart." Charlie huffed, "Well normally you wouldn't know when you call him but, since you've enlisted my help we'll already have it all planned. Now," she started writing things down, "I'm making you a checklist so you can keep the date perfect. Step one: Call Cas. Step two: ask him out. Step three: refer to the rest of the list. Step four: pick up Cas. Step five: take him to dinner. Step six: after dinner take him to the movies. Step seven-"

"Wait wait wait," I interrupted, "The movies? That's like 1950's cliché. What's next? Do I stand outside his window at night throwing pebbles at it till he comes to it?"

"Dean, Dean, Dean, exactly how many dates, real dates have you ever been on? I could seriously count the number on one hand." She held up her fist, "See?" 

"Ha ha, very funny Charlie. I've been on dates before." 

"With who?" I opened my mouth, closed it, then opened it again. Charlie laughed, "You look like a fish Dean. Now listen to the master young padawan. Take him to the movies and make sure you let him pick! Step eight: take him for a romantic walk in the park and kiss his brains out. Step nine: take him home. And finally step ten: give him a kiss goodnight." 

"A goodnight kiss?" Charlie smiled, "Duh Dean! It's incredibly romantic and it promises further dates and only slightly hints at future sex." 

"Right. Gotcha. Is that all?" 

"Yep! I'll give this to you," she ripped out the page that had her list on it, "and you go bust a freaky move!" I sighed, "You are something else Charles." She smirked, "I know Deanna. Now get outta here before my mom freaks out about you staying too late." 

"Alright, Goodnight Charlie." She stood up and hugged me, "Good night and good luck."

"Thanks," I left her room and headed down the stairs, "Goodnight Mrs. Bradbury!" 

"Get outta here Dean!" I laughed as I shut the door behind me. Now time to go home and 'bust a freaky move'. 

As soon as I got back to my house I reread the list that Charlie had given me. I dug my phone out of my pocket and stared at Cas' name for a good minute or so. 

"Well, its now or never Dean." I dialed Cas' number. He picked up on the third ring.

"Hello, Dean." I smiled. It was always so good to hear his voice. "Hey Cas, whatcha up to?"

"I was just reading, Dean. Is there a reason that you're calling me at 10:00 in the evening?"

"Uh..yeah Cas I uh just wanted to uh ask if you umm..-"

"Are you alright Dean? Is something wrong? You sound very distracted."

"Yea, I'm good Cas. Look, I just wanted to ask if you would maybe...like to uh...gooutwithmetomorrownight?" Dammit, that was supposed to come out smoother. I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath as I waited for a reply.

"Um I didn't quite catch that." I sighed, "I said would you - Castiel Novak - like to go out with me - Dean Winchester - tomorrow afternoon?"

"Oh. Um yes, I would love to go out with you. Tomorrow afternoon sounds great." I could hear Cas' smile in his voice. I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled.

"Great! I'll uh pick you up at 1:30?" I asked cautiously.

"That sounds lovely Dean." I could hear an angry voice in the background, "I have to go now Dean."

"Yeah alright, night Cas." 

"Good night Dean," He quickly hung up the phone. I looked at my phone curiously then threw it on my nightstand. I laid out on my bed and there was a knock at the door.

"Enter if you dare!" I yelled, knowing it was Sam. Sure enough, Sam peeked his head in the doorway, "Hey jerk, just wanted to make sure you were feeling OK?" 

"Yep. Never better Sammmy. I've got a date with Cas tomorrow." I bragged with a dopey smile. Sam smiled back, "That's great Dean. Glad to know you're doing better." 

"Yea yea, now get outta here , I need to get my beauty sleep. night bitch."

"night jerk," Sam shut the door and I could hear him chuckle as he walked to his room. I fell asleep with a smile on my face and Cas on my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up really soon I promise and I, casgirl176, will also be writing it but the author will edit it and make it better lol just a heads up. Love you guys<3


	25. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised, this is a fun chapter so enjoy and let us know what you think we live off feedback FR;) Thanks for 100 kudos you guys! That was the best thing to happen this week!!!!!!!! Let's get to 150 yes? :D
> 
> Love,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176

I couldn't believe what had just happened. Dean Winchester wants to take me out on a date? It didn't seem real. Although, the other day when he had kissed me and touched me In the most intimate ways hadn't seemed real either.

I stood from where I had been previously sitting and made my way down to the kitchen. I was starving, I hadn't eaten all day. I peered around the corners, cautiously lurking so I wouldn't have to face my dad. Unfortunately, I wasn't quiet enough.

“Who the hell were you speaking to at this time of night, Castiel?” Dammit. I looked around the kitchen and noticed the empty beer bottles on the counter. It was one of those nights. “I uh…I was talking to a-a friend.”

"A friend?” My father boomed, his face crimson with fury. “I thought I told you that you were not to have any friends! Especially after that damn Winchester kid!” I looked down at my feet. “I-I'm sorry father, I just-“

“Just what, Castiel? Would you like for your friends to carry the burden that you bring upon them? Your friends do not need a nuisance like you in their lives. Do not corrupt any more children with your sinful ways.” 

Tears stung at my eyes. I hadn't looked up yet, I didn't have the guts. I wasn't surprised when my father’s hand connected with my cheek. Hard. I let the tears that had been threatening to fall slide down my cheeks. “Father p- please, I'm sorry,” I was sobbing now. 

“Oh great. Now you're going to sit there and cry like a little pussy! Get the fuck out of my sight, I don't want to see you, you piece of shit.”

“Yes father,” I whispered. My voice was hoarse and my throat ached. I stood on shaky legs and slowly made my way up the stairs. I lie in bed that night, thinking how happy I'd been when Dean had called and how it all turned to shit.

My stomach protested in hunger. I wrapped my arms around my torso and sobbed. I was so hungry but I don't think I could eat right now anyways. 'You useless piece of shit.' I shook my head, "Go away. I don't want to hear you." 

'Aw cry cry cry little Cassie. All you do is cry. Why don't you do the world a favor and just end it?'

"No. Shut up. Shut up." I pressed my palms into my eyes trying to drive the voice from my thoughts. I was so tempted to find my razor and slice into my arms just to feel something other than pain. Pain and anger and regret. But I couldn't. 

"I can't. I can't Dean doesn't want me to." But it was so so so hard. It's like an itch that I can't scratch until I make that cut. Until I bleed. 

I couldn't. Dean doesn't want me to. Tears burned at the corners of my eyes and I clutched the pendant that hung around my neck. 

"The lord is my shepherd I shall not want," I quoted scripture laying down on my bed. 'Freak! Loser! Worthless!' The voice screamed.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside the still waters." 

'Freak! Dean doesn't want you. He doesn't even like you! You're just another burden! A charity case!' 

"He restoreth my soul, he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." I took a deep shaky breath, wiping tears off my face I continued, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." 

'Useless! Pathetic! Worthless!' I shook my head trying to get the voice to stop, "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies thou anointest my head with oil my cup runneth over." 

'Freak!' The voice was starting to fade. My eyes were getting heavier, harder to keep open, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever." The voice was gone. I sighed, "Psalm 23." And then I was asleep.

Knock knock knock. The sound of someone knocking on my front door woke me. I groaned rolling over and checking the time on my alarm clock. It was 1:35 p.m. I rolled over and hid my head under the blankets, "Go away!" 

“Cas, you in there?” I heard Dean say. Dean. My eyes grew wide as panic and embarrassment flared in my chest. I had a date with Dean. I have a date with Dean and I had over slept. Shit. I threw my covers off and ran to the top of the staircase. 

“Yes, uh, just give me a moment Dean!” I called out to Dean. I heard a faint chuckle as Dean muttered, “Take your time, Cas.”

I ran back into my bedroom and dug through my closet in search of something nice to wear. Eventually I threw on a pair of khakis with a long sleeved, black button down shirt I had found in the back. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. God, my hair was a disaster. I didn't want to keep Dean waiting any longer so I raked my fingers through my hair before I gave up. What the hell. I grabbed my black converse on the way out of my room and quickly put them on.

I rushed to the door, took a deep breath, and opened it. I could feel my face flushing as Dean’s eyes roamed up and down my figure. 

“You look nice Cas,” Dean murmured. I smiled shyly and felt a blush rise in my cheeks, “Thank you, Dean. You look nice as well.” 

Dean was wearing his usual get up: dark blue jeans and an unbuttoned plaid shirt with a black T-shirt underneath and his leather jacket. Dean smirked as I looked him up and down, “Ya ready to head out, Cas?”

"Yes let me just grab my coat and lock the door." Dean waited while I locked the door and then we walked down to the impala together. I reached for the passenger door, but Dean quickly stepped in front of me and opened the door for me. I smiled and blushed, "That is not really necessary Dean. "

"Hey, my daddy raised me right. I'm nothing if not a gentleman Cas." He winked and smiled at me and I got in the car. He closed the door and rushed to the drivers seat. 

He started the engine but before he put his car in drive, he pulled out a small piece of paper. It seemed he was trying to hide it from me. He quickly scanned it and put it back in his pocket before giving me a quick nervous smile. I smiled back, curious about the paper.

“Where are we going, Dean?” I broke the silence five minutes later. Dean turned his head to face me and smiled widely, “It's a surprise, Cas.” I shook my head with a frown and turned to look out the window. 

"I do not like surprises Dean."

"You're just gonna have to trust me Cas." He reached across the seat and held my hand. I blushed and lightly squeezed his hand. The rest of the ride was filled with Metallica playing on the radio. 

A few minutes later we pulled up in front of a place called ‘The Roadhouse’. Dean unbuckled his seatbelt and looked at me. 

“Ya ever been?” He nodded towards the restaurant. I shook my head, “ I have never even heard of it.” Dean stared at me in shock before recovering and smiling at me, “Come on Cas, dinner awaits. Dinner and pie.” I chuckled as Dean got out of the car and rushed to the passenger side to open the door for me. 

“Thank you Dean." He shrugged and blushed, "You're welcome Cas." He grabbed my hand and we walked up to the door together. The bell chimed as we entered the restaurant. Inside was warm with many patrons wandering about. 

“Hey Ellen!” Dean called out to the middle aged woman behind the bar. She stood tall with sandy brown hair and a kind smile on her face as she called back, “Hey kid, long time no see. Can't ever pick up a damn phone can ya?”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that Ellen. Family and stuff, you know how it is.” Ellen rolled her eyes, “Yeah? How's your old man? He treatin’ ya alright? I know he can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.” Dean chuckled, “Yeah he's alright you know. Same grumpy old bastard he's always been.” She gives him a knowing look, “Yeah I know how ya mean, kid.Come on lets get you a table.” 

She lead us to a table in the back beside a window. Dean pulls out one of the seats for me then takes his own seat before she turns to face me and clicks her tongue," "Well look at you, tall and handsome." I blushed.

"Dean!" She slapped the back of his head, "Where are your manners? Introduce me to your date here."

“Yes ma'am. Ellen, this is Cas. Cas, this is Ellen. She's an old family friend." 

I smiled politely and offered my hand for her to take, "Its a pleasure to meet you Ellen." She shook it firmly, “Likewise. Ya seem like a good kid. You keep Dean outta trouble, ya hear?” I smiled and said, “Yes ma'am I will try my best."

“Now, what're we havin’ today?” She gets out her notepad and looks at both of us as she waits for an answer. I look at Dean, not sure what to get. 

“I'll have the usual and the same for Cas here.” She nods and writes our orders down before walking off. 

“I like this place. Thank you for bringing me here, Dean.” 

"My pleasure Cas. Its the least I could do after...well, you know." I sighed, "I should apologize for that, Dean. I overreacted at the party that night. I never should have believed Metatron. I am sorry." 

"Cas, stop. You don't need to apologize. It was my fault. I can see why you would believe Metatron over me. I was the one who was being a douche to you and then all of a sudden I was all over you. So I'm sorry, Cas. For everything. I should have treated you better from the start." I placed my hand on top of Dean's, "I forgive you, Dean." Dean looked up and smiled, "Thanks Cas." 

I smiled back at him and slowly leaned forward. Dean started to lean forward too, and just as we were about to kiss there was a quiet "Awwwwww!" From behind us.

"Did you hear that?" Dean whispered against my lips. I nodded slightly. Dean sighed, "Damn it Charlie." Dean sat back in his chair.

"What does Charlie have to do with this?" Dean rubbed his face with his hands, "I told her about our date and I guess she followed us. Look behind you." I turned around and saw Charlie sitting at the bar with Ash. She was whispering to Ash about something and quickly hid behind a menu when she saw me looking that direction.

"Relax Dean. I know how to ditch her. Where are we supposed to go next?"

"To the movie theater. I was gonna let you pick the movie." I nodded, "Alright then we will go to the movies and lose Charlie there. You'll just have to follow my lead." Dean chuckled, "Whatever you say Cas."

"Did somebody order two bacon cheeseburgers with a side of fries and chocolate milkshakes?" Dean nodded, "That would be us Jo." Jo set the food down and scoffed, "As if I didn't already know that. What's up Winchester?" 

"Uh," Dean gestured at me and the food, "On a date with a hot guy Jo." Jo rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Be good to him Dean or I'll cut your balls off." She smiled at me and walked back towards the bar.

"She's evil Cas, I swear." I laughed, "Whatever you say Dean." Dean smiled and we began to eat. The meal was silent for the most part, other than the occasional questions and small talk.

"Alright Cas we ready to go?" Dean asks after he finishes his pie. I nod, "Yes." Jo walks by and I stop her, "We are ready for the check Jo." She looks at me for a minute and then laughs, "That's a good one Cas. You don't have to pay today, its on the house."

"Oh Jo we can't possibly-"

"Nope. No fighting against this. Mom says its on the house. So its on the house. Don't worry about it Cas." I smile, "Thank you, both of you." Jo winked and walked away.

"Let's go Cas." We get up to leave and Ellen comes over to say goodbye. She hugs me and slaps the back of Dean's head, "You keep in touch now ya hear? No more of this no calling crap. And tell your mama I say she needs to come by."

"Yes ma'am," Dean nodded and Ellen gave him a hug too.

We headed back to Dean’s car in silence. Dean glanced back and nudged me, "Look at who followed us out." I looked and saw Charlie and Ash trying to stealthily follow us. I shook my head and got in the impala when Dean opened the door for me. When he got into the impala, Dean pulled out that paper again. 

"Dean what is that paper you keep pulling out?" Dean froze and tried to shove the paper back in his pocket. "Uh its nothing Cas." 

"Dean?" He sighed and pulled it back out, "Its a date list. I'm not good with taking people out on dates, especially people I like. I didn't want to mess anything up so I asked Charlie for her help and she made me this list." 

"Oh Dean, you don't need a list to make a date good. Anytime I get to spend with you is time I enjoy. Regardless of what we are doing." I took the list from his hand and crumpled it up into a little ball. Dean smiled, "Really?" I nodded, "Really. Now what do you say we ditch Charlie and Ash and do something fun?" 

"You betcha Cas. How are we going to ditch them though?" I smiled, "Drive to the theater and park and when we see them park we leave and go do something else. Simple."

"Wow I'm on a date with a genius." Dean leaned over and placed a quick kiss on my lips. I blushed and he pulled out of the parking lot, heading for the theater. 

Charlie's mom's minivan pulled out behind us and followed us to the theater. Dean parked and we both watched as Charlie parked and got out of the minivan. We ducked down in the front seat as Charlie and Ash walked by.

"Hurry up, Ash! They're already inside and I don't know what movie they're going to see! We have to hurry if we wanna catch up with them!" Ash groaned and followed Charlie into the movie theater.

"I can't believe that just worked!" Dean laughed and sat up in the seat. I smiled, "I told you it would work." 

"I will never doubt you again Cas." He backed out of the parking space and drove away from the theater.

"Where are we going now, Dean?" He smiled and held my hand, "You'll see." I turned the radio up and hummed along with Kansas' Dust in the wind.

We drove for a long time. Soon we weren't even in town anymore. Dean pulled off onto a dirt road and kept driving.

"You're not bringing me out here to the middle of nowhere to kill me are you?" Dean laughed, "Why would I kill you Cas? You're practically an angel. I would surely be sent to hell if I killed you." I blushed, "I'm not an angel Dean." He shrugged, "Closest thing to an angel I've ever seen Cas." 

I looked at him and squeezed his hand, "You're truly a righteous man Dean." He blushed, "Nah, I'm nothing special." 

"You are to me," I whispered gazing back out the window. Dean squeezed my hand and then it was quiet again.

When we finally stopped the impala, it was nearing sunset. I got out and looked around. We were at a lake somewhere outside the border of Lawrence. 

"Well what do you think?" Dean walked around the car to the trunk, "Do you like it?" I nodded, "Yes, I like it here very much Dean."

"Sammy and I used to come here all the time with our parents. Now we're all too busy to come out here." I walked up to Dean and wrapped my arms around his neck, "Well, thank you for sharing this with me." He leaned down and kissed me, "Thank you for coming here with me. I've really had a good time Cas." 

"So have I." Dean smiled and gave me another kiss before stepping away. He opened the trunk and inside was a picnic basket, a blanket, and a fire pit. 

"Dean what is this?" Dean smiled, "Well I wanted to bring you out here for a picnic. I was going to bring you out here after the movie but that didn't go as planned." He pulled the fire pit out and started a fire. I shivered as the wind blew, it was still extremely cold outside. 

"C'mon Cas join me," Dean climbed into the trunk and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. I tilted my head in confusion, "Aren't we eating?" Dean chuckled, "Yeah, we're gonna eat in the trunk. Its too cold to be outside on the ground. Sammy and I used to do this all the time." I nodded and climbed into the trunk next to Dean. It was cozy but not cramped.

We ate the picnic that Dean had packed which was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with a can of soda, and a slice of homemade cherry pie. "Your mother makes the most delicious pies, Dean." Dean nodded, "I know. I'll have you over sometime when she makes an apple one. Those ones are to die for." I smiled, "I would like that." 

As the sunset Dean wrapped his arms around me with the blanket and nuzzled his face into my neck. 

"Dean, what are you doing?" Dean sighed smiling into my neck, "I'm just glad that I get to spend this moment with you. Sunset, picnic, the lake. I've never had so much fun with another person before. I wanna do this again Cas. With you."

“I would love that, Dean." Dean sat back a little and looked into my eyes, "Cas, I really like you." I leaned forward, "I really like you too, Dean." Our lips met as the first stars came out in the sky.

It was cold outside but the fire and the blanket was keeping us warm. Dean guided me back so I was laying down in the trunk. He kissed me gently nibbling my lower lip. I wrapped my hands in his hair licking at his lips. Once he opened his mouth our tongues were dancing together. Neither one of us was battling for dominance over the other. We were just lazily kissing taking our time and making it last. 

Dean ran his hands down my chest and slid them under my shirt. I shivered when his cold hands touched my bare skin. He smiled and moved his lips to my jaw, kissing down my jaw to my neck. 

"Dean," I moaned as he started to suck on my skin. There was definitely going to be a hickey there tomorrow. 

"Cas," Dean whispered, his lips ghosting across my skin. I tugged on his hair and he detached from my neck looking back up at me. I quickly reconnected our lips kissing Dean with all the emotion I could muster. 

Just as Dean was deepening the kiss, his phone rang. He pulled away with a sigh and looked at the caller id, "Shit. It’s my mom." He answered, "Hello?..Yes ma'am. On my date...The lake...Probably not...School doesn't start for another day…Yes ma'am… Please mom?... Yes ma'am...Yes ma'am. I love you too, mom... Goodnight." 

"Do you need to go home?" Dean shook his head tossing his phone to the side, "Nope. She just wanted to know where I was and make sure that I would be at church tomorrow. I told her I would and she said that I could stay out all night if I wanted to. So, Cas? You got any plans tonight?" 

"Oh, nothing special really. Just making out with my boyfriend under the stars." Dean smiled, "Oh, is he hot?" I laughed, "He is by far the hottest man I have ever met in my entire life." Dean blushed, "You lucky bastard. Although not nearly as lucky as me." 

"Oh really?" Dean nodded, "Yep because my boyfriend is the number one hottest person in the universe. He's got these mesmerizing blue eyes that are seriously my favorite color blue. And his kisses are all from God himself. And when he smiles I swear that's when an angel gets their wings." 

"Who knew you were such a sap?" Dean shrugged, "Shut up, Novak." 

"Make me, Winchester." Dean grinned and started to tickle me, "Oh you bet your ass I will." 

"Dean! Please! Stop!" I choked out in between laughter, "Please! Uncle! Uncle!" Dean started laughing and stopped tickling me, "You have an adorable laugh Cas." 

"Shut up," I pulled him down and kissed him again. He smiled and kissed me back. We stayed at the lake kissing and laughing and talking until we got too cold. Dean put out the fire and we put the fire pit back into the trunk. We both got in the impala and Dean started to drive back towards Lawrence. 

"Hey Cas?" Dean asked when we were almost back, "This might sound stupid but what's your favorite color?" I thought for a minute then answered, "Green. What's yours?" 

"Blue." I nodded, "Blue is a very beautiful color." 

"Why is green your favorite?" I shrugged, "My mother had green eyes. When I was young I remember her singing to me at night, her eyes would shine in the light of my bedroom lamp and I always just thought that was the most beautiful color I had ever seen. Why is blue yours?" 

"I've always loved the sea. Like ever since I was little I've wanted to go to the ocean and see the waves. Its so beautiful and mysterious and I just like the color. I was serious earlier though, your eyes are my new favorite shade of blue." I blushed, "Yours are my new favorite shade of green." 

"We are such saps," Dean chuckled. I smiled, "Yeah we really are." 

Dean pulled up outside my house and walked me to the door. He sighed, "Well, I guess this is where we say goodbye." I looked at the drive way and saw that my fathers car was gone. It was Saturday night and he wouldn't be back till after church tomorrow. 

"Would you like to stay Dean?" I held my breath waiting for him to answer. He smiled, "I would love to stay Cas. But, what about your dad?" 

"He won't be home until after church tomorrow. Please stay Dean, I don't want to be alone again." Dean nodded, "I'll stay Cas." I smiled and we entered the house together. 

I grabbed Dean's hand and took him upstairs to my room. When we got in my room I shut and locked the door just to be safe. Dean stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed. I hesitated, my skin was still covered in cuts.

"Cas, I don't care about your scars. Come on, get over here," He said gently. I took off my pants and shirt and walked over to the bed. I climbed in and Dean wrapped his arms around me. 

We were spooning, my back pressed up against his chest, his arms wrapped around my waist holding me close. I sighed and entertwined our fingers, "Goodnight Dean." Dean kissed the back of my neck, "Goodnight Cas." 

I drifted off to the sound of Dean humming 'Hey Jude'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves. Next chapter's coming soon i promise!:D


	26. Dean

'It was the heat of the moment, heat of the moment' I groaned and buried my face in Cas' hair. 

"Dean? Is that your alarm?" Cas stretched and rolled over to face me. His hair was sticking up in every direction and his eyes seemed even bluer when they were filled with sleep. I smiled, "Good morning." Cas yawned, "Good morning, what time is it?" Cas snuggled into my chest.

"Its 6 a.m. I think we have time before we have to be at church." Cas groaned, "I don't want to go to church. I just want to lay here in bed with you." I smiled wrapping my arms tighter around Cas, "We have to go, if I don't my mom will kill me." 

Cas sighed but I could tell he was already falling back to sleep. I kissed the top of his head, "I'll wake you up later OK?" Cas made a noise and then his breathing steadied. I laid there stroking his hair until I fell asleep again. 

When my alarm went off again at 7:30 I reluctantly opened my eyes. I stretched and pushed on Cas' shoulder, "Cas, hey wake up Cas." He muttered something in his sleep but didn't wake. I chuckled and decided to let him sleep a little longer.

I slowly climbed out of the bed trying not to wake Cas up. He stirred a little but didn't wake. I walked down the hall towards the bathroom and took a quick shower. I walked back to Cas' room with a towel around my waist. Since I hadn't brought any extra clothes I rumaged through Cas' drawers and pulled out a clean pair of boxers. I slipped them on certain that Cas wouldn't mind.

I walked quietly down the stairs and went into the kitchen. I opened the fridge looking for something to make for breakfast. I pulled out eggs, bacon, and a few vegetables. Guess we're having loaded omletes. 

I looked around the kitchen finding a skillet and a spatula. I cooked the bacon until it was nice and brown and crispy. Then I put the bacon on a plate and started cooking the eggs and vegetables. While the eggs cooked on low I cut up the bacon to throw inside the omelet.

As I was putting the omelets on plates I heard feet scuffling behind me. I turned and saw Cas standing in the doorway, his hair a toussled mess only wearing his boxers. I smiled when I saw him, he looked so adorable.

"Hey," I set the omelet on the plate and turned the stove off. 

"Did you...did you make breakfast?" I turned holding both plates in my hands, "Well, yeah. I mean you were tired so I thought I'd let you sleep. Thought I'd surprise you." 

"Well I am surprised," Cas sat at the table and I set the plates down. I smirked, "Good." I sat across from Cas and waited for him to take a bite. 

"Mmmmm Dean this is so good!" I smiled and took my own bite, "Its about the only thing I can cook. My mom taught me." Cas moaned around a mouthful of food, "Thank her for me, for teaching you how to cook." I chuckled and the rest of breakfast passed in silence. 

Cas stood up when our plates were cleared and put them in the dishwasher. I stretched, "Well, I suppose I should go home since I don't have any church clothes here." 

"You could borrow some of mine. I can see you've already helped yourself to my underwear drawer." I smirked and walked over to him crowding him against the counter, "Its a good thing you're so OCD otherwise I wouldn't have found them without waking you up." Cas chuckled, "How did you know they were in the top drawer?" 

"Cas come on. You are such a perfectionist it was obvious." Cas blushed and placed a hand on my bare chest, "Thank you for staying last night, and for making breakfast this morning. It uh it means a lot to me." I placed my hand on his cheek, "You're welcome Cas. I'd do anything for you." Cas' blush deepened and he looked at the floor. 

I tilted his head up to mine and kissed his lips. He sighed and kissed me back wrapping his arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed our groins together. Cas moaned and I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue into his mouth. Cas' hand drifted up into my hair, wrapping around the short strands. I groaned and instinctively thrust my hips forward. We both moaned and I pulled away slightly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to move so fast." I could feel Cas' half hard dick against my own growing erection. Cas sighed, "Its alright Dean. How about we go get ready for church?" I nodded, "Yeah, sounds like a good idea." 

"OK I'm going to go take a shower." 

"Can I join you?" Cas' blush returned, "I-uh well...I mean-" I laughed, "I was teasing Cas. You go shower and I'll wait in your room okay?" Cas nodded and placed a soft kiss on my lips. I smiled and stepped back grabbing Cas' hand and following him up the stairs. 

"There should be some nice shirts and slacks hanging up in the closet. Feel free to look through them and find some that fit." I kissed him on the cheek. He blushed and went into the bathroom. 

I walked down the hallway into Cas' room and opened the closet. There were a couple of complete suits hanging up and the rest of the closet was filled with various colored slacks, dress shirts, and ties. I pulled out a black dress shirt, knakis, and a dark green tie. Since I didn't have dress shoes with me and Cas only had one pair I put my biker boots back on.

As I was finishing with my tie Cas came in the room with only a towel around his waist. I couldn't help but let my eyes wander all over his bare chest, that was still wet.

Cas blushed when he looked up and saw me staring. I smirked, "Damn Cas the things you do to me." Cas looked at the floor, "Dean please." I walked across the room and placed my hand on his still bare chest. It was still covered in healing cuts.

Cas was staring at the floor. I pressed my lips to his head, "You're so beautiful Cas." He reached up and laced our fingers together, "No I'm not." He pushed my hand away from his chest and walked over to his dresser. He opened the top drawer and pulled out a black pair of boxers.

I turned to face the wall so that he could put them on. I ran my hands through my hair and sighed, "You're wrong Cas." I turned my head a little to see if Cas had his boxers on. 

He was standing there, with his boxers on, staring at me with a confused look. I turned and walked towards him, "You're wrong. About not being beautiful." He sighed and looked at the floor, "Dean please-"

"No Cas," I placed my hand on his cheek and he leaned into the touch. I reached up and placed my other hand on his healing cuts. He shuddered. I slowly rubbed my thumb against his chest. 

"Listen to me Cas. You are beautiful. I don't care what you think and I don't know who convinced you that you aren't but they are dead wrong. I don't care about your cuts Cas or your scars and If I have to tell you that every time I see you for you to believe it, then thats what I'll do. Someone once said to me that its our imperfections that make us perfect. You're perfect just the way you are, scars and everything. I'm not with you because of your rocking hot body, or your fucking bluer then blue eyes, or your kissable lips. I'm with you because of you Cas. I'm with you because of who you are, the fact that you have a rocking hot bod and bluer than blue eyes and kissable lips is just a bonus. So believe me when I tell you you're beautiful alright?"

"Alright," Cas had tears rolling down his cheeks. I kissed the tears off his face then kissed his lips. He returned the kiss wrapping his arms around my neck. The kiss didn't last long but it didn't need to. It was just enough for both of us in that moment. 

"Look at me," I ran my thumb over his cheek bone, "you're turning me into a fucking sap." Cas laid his head on my chest, "You have always been a sap. You just will not admit it." I scoffed, "Yeah, whatever. Get dressed before we're late." 

Cas placed a small kiss on my chin and walked over to the closet. I walked over to the bed and sat down. Cas pulled out a dark gray long sleeved button up, a blue tie, and a pair of black slacks. I sat and watched him as he got dressed. The ways his muscles moved and flexed.

"Enjoying the view?" He teased. I smirked, "Well I'd be enjoying it a lot more if the clothes were coming off instead of being put on." Cas blushed and finished buttoning up his shirt. When he had his tie tied he put on his dress shoes. 

"Well what do you think?" He looked at me expectantly. 

"Your tie is backwards Cas." I walked over to him and fixed it, "There all fixed." He looked down at his tie, "I thought it looked fine." I smoothed my hands over his chest, "It looks great. You look great." He blushed and I will never get tired of how adorable he is when he blushes. "Thank you Dean. You look very nice as well." 

"Thanks Cas." He reached up and tucked his necklace under the collar of his shirt. I cleared my throat, "Hey you remember when you said that you'd tell me about that necklace?" 

"Yes?" 

"Well will you tell me about it now?" 

"Um...come with me to lunch after church and I will tell you then." I nodded, "Alright. Let's get going then." We walked down the stairs to the front door and put our coats on. 

"I have to lock the door so you don't need to wait with me." I nodded, "OK I'll go get the impala warmed up then." I kissed his cheek and walked out the door to the imapala. I climbed in the drivers side and turned her on, cranking up the heat. 

Cas stepped out a couple seconds later and locked the door. He walked down the steps and to the passenger side. He was shivering when he climbed in. 

"Ready to go?" I asked. Cas nodded, "Yes let's go." I backed out of the driveway and then held Cas' hand. We rode to the church listening to ramble on by Led Zeppelin.

We got there late and snuck in, sitting in the very back row. Cas' dad was up there rambling about some biblical something or other. I wasn't really paying too much attention, I was too busy looking at Cas. 

"Dean," Cas nudged me blushing, "Pay attention." I rolled my eyes and placed my hand on his thigh. Cas reached out and intertwined our fingers, letting our hands rest on his thigh. 

When church was over I was approached by my mom. She placed her hand on my shoulder, "When are you coming home?" I shrugged, "Not sure yet. Cas wants to go out to lunch and I don't know what we'll do after that." She nodded, "Just remember if you come home late don't wake anyone up or you'll be grounded."

"Sure thing, mom." She kissed my forehead then walked over to Dad and Sam. Sam was talking to Sarah. I didn't even know her family went to church. Cas walked up next to me looking grim.

"Hey what's wrong?" He shook his head, "It is not of import. Let's just go to lunch." He grabbed my hand and we walked out the doors together. 

"Cas are you okay?" 

"I'm fine Dean." He didn't look fine but I decided to drop it for now. I changed the subject, "So where are we going for lunch?"

"Wherever you take us." I looked over at Cas. He was sitting there gazing out the window, his face expressionless. I reached over and twined our fingers together. He turned and looked at me, "You sure you're OK Cas?" He sighed, "Let's just go. Please." 

"Sure thing Cas." I pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the roadhouse. When I turned the impala off Cas got out and walked inside without a word. I sat there for a minute not sure if it was OK to follow him in or not.

I got out of baby and walked inside. Jo was standing next to Cas at one of the secluded corner tables. He was shaking his head and gripping his arm tightly. She was leaning against the table whispering to him. I stood by the door for a few more seconds and watched the conversation. Cas was obviously upset but it looked like he didn't want to talk about it. 

Finally I walked up to the table, "Hey Jo how goes it?" Jo looked at me her face full of worry, "Fine. Can I talk to you for a second?" I nodded, "I'll be right back Cas." He didn't say anything just stared at the table.

"Dean what's wrong with Cas?" Jo asked when we were out of earshot. I shrugged, "I don't know Jo. He's been acting weird since we got out of church today. I haven't really had a chance to find out what's wrong." 

"Well find out and fix it. If anyone can its you." 

"I know." I walked back to the table and sat down. Cas was staring at his hands. I cleared my throat, "So Cas what's bothering you?" 

"I don't want to talk about it." I sighed, "That might have worked with Jo but it won't work with me. I'm your boyfriend Cas. You're supposed to tell me what's on your mind and all that emotional feeling shit, that's what couples do." 

"Dean,"

"Cas." He sighed, "My father approached me after services this morning." I reached across the table and grabbed Cas' hand, "Go on."

"He told me that he did not appreciate my tardiness.He blamed you. I told him it wasn’t your fault. That made him angry and he forbid me from seeing you. He pulled me into the back room to 'punish' me. Then," Cas took a deep breath and I watched as his inner walls crumbled.

"Its OK Cas. I'm here and I'm not leaving." I squeezed his hand comfortingly and he continued, "Then he told me to go home without another word. I was so angry and I just felt so...hated." I could see tears start to form in Cas' eyes, "I failed Dean. I tried so hard, so so hard but still I failed."

"Cas what are you talking about?" 

"I cut myself Dean! I couldn't stop myself no matter how hard I tried! I went into the bathroom at the church and I cut myself." Cas was crying now and people were giving us strange looks.

"Cas, its OK." 

"No, it's not!" Cas yanked his hand away from mine and stood, "If you were smart Dean Winchester, you would stay as far away from me as possible. I'm not worth it." Cas quickly left the restaurant. 

"Damn it Cas." Jo walked over to the table, "What was that about?" I stood up and walked towards the door, "Don't worry about it, Jo." She followed me, "Where are you going now?" 

"To find my boyfriend."

I walked out of the roadhouse and looked around for Cas. I couldn't see him so I got in baby and drove down the street. 'Where would Cas go if he was upset?' Either a bathroom or the park! 

I took the next right I came to and turned around driving towards the park. I kept scanning the sidewalks just to be sure I didn't drive by Cas on accident. 

I pulled into the parking lot at the park and got out. I could see Cas sitting on a bench by himself. I slowly walked over to him.

"Hey Cas." I sat down on the bench next to him. He had his face hidden behind his hands and his shoulders were shaking. 

"Hello Dean." I scooted a little bit closer to him, "Cas, why do you keep running from me? You know I'll look for you, don't you?" Cas hugged himself, "Dean, you shouldn't want to be around me. I'm bad. I mess things up. You should leave."

"I'm not going anywhere Cas. No matter what you say I'm here. You're stuck with me." 

"Dean," Cas looked at me his eyes brimming with tears, "Dean, I'm broken." I placed my hand on his cheek wiping away the tears there, "Cas, everyone is broken. Nobody is perfect. You just need to find the people that make you feel loved." 

"How can you sit here and tell me that? How can you sit here and want to convince me that its OK? That despite the things I've done you think I'm worth something?"

"Damn it Cas," I gripped his face in my hands, "You are worth something and not just to me. You're worth something to Jo and Charlie and Ash and Chuck and Garth. Hell you're even worth something to Ellen and my mom and Sam! Cas you're worth so much more than that fuck up of a father of yours let's you believe. Don't you dare ever think that you're worthless, because you are worth everything to me." 

"Dean, how can you still think those things?" I leaned forward and gently kissed Cas on the lips, "Because Cas, to me you're worth it. I don't care about how broken you are because I'm broken too and I think we can fix each other.

“If you'll give me a chance." I kissed him again, "Will you give me the chance?" 

"Yes," Cas threw himself into my arms, sobbing, "I'm sorry Dean, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I held him tightly, "Its Ok, Cas. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."  
We stayed like that for a few minutes, Cas crying into my chest and I just held him. I stroked his hair and hummed 'Hey Jude' until he calmed down. 

"Cas," I kissed the top of his head, "You wanna go sit in the impala? Its warmer in there." Cas nodded and we stood up and walked to the impala together. We sat inside and I turned on the heat. 

"So are you OK now? You're not gonna try and leave me again right?" Cas nodded, "I'm sorry Dean. I'm not going to leave you." I scooted over on the bench seat and wrapped my arm around his shoulder, "Good. Cause that would really suck for me." Cas chuckled and snuggled into my chest. We were cuddling again but I honestly didn't mind it at all.

A few moments of comfortable silence passed until I broke it, "Hey Cas? Will you tell me about your necklace now?" 

"Uh, well," Cas sighed, "When I was 5, I was hospitalized. I was very sick and the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. My Father and Gabriel were both worried sick. They wouldn't eat or sleep or even leave the room. They didn't want anything bad to happen while they were gone. My mother however was calm and level headed. She told them both that I would be fine. That I was too young to die. Mother and Father argued a lot during that time." 

"I'm sorry, Cas," he shrugged and took a deep breath, "It actually didn't bother me at the time and it still doesn't now. So one day my mother took Gabriel and they went shopping, it was a particularly bad day for me. They went to the mall and bought this pendant at the engraving store and had it engraved. On the one side it says ‘God please protect me.’" On the flip side it has the enochian symbol for strength.

My mother and brother brought it to me as a gift. Mother told me that I would make it, because she had prayed for me everyday. A few weeks after that I started to get better. No explanation of what had caused it or why, but, it had stopped. The doctors were astonished but my mother just said 'I told you so.' So I wear it because its the most precious gift that I ever received from my family. It reminds me that I am strong, even though I often fail."

"Wow Cas, that's..amazing, you're amazing. I'm really glad you survived." I leaned down and kissed him, "So glad you survived." He smiled and kissed back, "Me too, Dean."

We stayed in the warmth of the impala making out until Cas' dad called and demand he come home. We drove there in silence, holding hands the entire way.

When we pulled up in front of Cas' house the lights were on and his dad was waiting by the window. I squeezed his hand, "Are you sure you don't want me to take you to my house? Or Gabriel's? At least I know you'll be safe there." Cas sighed, "No Dean. I have to go in. He's still my father." He leaned over and gave me one last lingering kiss that ended too soon. I leaned forward and captured his lips again trying to convey how much I cared in that one kiss, "Promise me you'll call if things get out of hand." 

"I promise Dean." He kissed me one more time and got out of the impala. I watched him walk up the steps and into the house. I sat there for a few minutes just in case, but after five minutes the lights went out and I drove home.

I had never been one for praying but as I drove away from Cas' house I prayed, "God please protect him. I need him in my life. Please keep him safe. I need him."


	27. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one excuse for why this chapter was so late: life. Thank you for being patient with us hopefully the next chapter will up sooner. Thanks so much you guys!
> 
> Love,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176
> 
> **WARNING**  
> This chapter contains some smuttiness so proceed with caution. I also apologize for my crappy attempt at smut. Enjoy!

I woke up to the sound of someone banging on the front door. I looked at my alarm clock. It was only 3 a.m. I groaned and climbed out of bed shuffling down the stairs to open the door. 

"Alright I'm coming." As soon as I turned the doorknob the door flew open. It smacked me in the face. "Ow!" I rubbed my sore nose.

"Sorry little bro!" I stepped out from behind the door and got an armful of Gabriel.

"Gabe, what's going on? Its three in the morning and I have school today." 

"Is James home?" Gabe walked cautiously into the living room. I quietly shut the door and followed him, "Yes, he's upstairs in his room sleeping. So I advise you to be more quiet." Gabe nodded and sat down on the couch. I walked over and sat next to him.

"Gabriel what are you doing here? You know if father finds out he will be furious." Gabe sighed, "I know, I know, but, I didn't have anywhere else to go." 

"What do you mean? Gabriel what's going on?" 

"Kali kicked me out." I gasped, "What? Why?" Gabe chuckled humorlessly, "She was fucking cheating on me. For four months Cas. Four months! And I didn't even know. I walked in on them and that's when she kicked me out. Out of my own apartment!" 

"Oh, Gabriel." I cautiously wrapped my arms around him. He leaned into the embrace, burying his face in my chest. His shoulders started shaking slightly and I held him tighter, "It will be OK Gabriel." 

"I'm just glad you answered the door not James." I nodded, "So am I." The grandfather clock in the dining room rang signaling that it was 3:30 a.m. 

"Gabe I think it'd be safer if we moved to my room. Father usually gets up for a snack around four." Gabriel nodded and together we stood from the couch and walked up to my bedroom. I slowly shut the door behind me and exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Wow, Cassie your room kinda sucks." I turned towards Gabriel, "What do you mean?" I walked over and sat down on my bed, "I think my room looks fine." 

"Castiel you have no decorations! Its so plain and boring." I shrugged, "I do not find any use for knick knacks that will clutter my space while I am trying to study." Gabe tsked, "You always were just a pretentious little nerd weren't you?" 

"Gabriel its not polite to insult people. I am not pretentious. Now please keep your voice down. I don't want father to wake up and find you here. You know how upset that will make him." Gabe nodded, "Yeah I know."

I stood and walked over to my closet, "I've got a comforter on the shelf up here. You can sleep on the bed if you like and I'll pull this down and sleep on the floor." 

"Nah Cas, its your bed. I'll sleep on the floor its no big deal. Unless you wanna share the bed." I rolled my eyes, "Whatever you are most comfortable with brother." I turned around with the comforter in my arms. Gabe was already passed out on my bed. 

"Good night, brother," I laid the comforter out on the floor and laid down on top of it. As I got settled on my makeshift mattress I heard my father's door open. 

"Castiel!" I glanced up at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It was only 3:42 why was he up? I quickly got up off the floor and opened the door to my room.

"Yes, father?" He was standing at the end of the hallway inside his doorway, "Why the hell are you up at this time of night? Making a ruckus? You're keeping me awake!" I flinched and inched out of my room shutting the door behind me, "I apologize father. I had a rather terrible nightmare and it woke me. I did not mean for you to wake father." 

"Who was banging on the door Castiel?" I froze, "The door? I didn't hear anything." 

"Yes Castiel. The door. I knew you were dumb, but I didn't know you were deaf too." I shifted my gaze to the floor, "I am sorry father. I didn't hear anything at the door." He huffed, "Well, I'm sure I did. Go to bed Castiel. And don't wake me again." 

"Yes, father." He shut his room door and I crept back into mine.

"Did you get in trouble?" I looked up and saw Gabe sitting up on my bed. I shook my head, "No he doesn't know you're here. Go back to sleep Gabriel." I laid down on the comforter that was on the floor.

"Cassie," I looked up at Gabriel. He motioned for me to climb up in the bed next to him. "C'mon Cassie. Remember when we were kids and James would yell at one of us so we would climb into the same bed and go to sleep?" 

"Gabriel we are not children anymore." Gabe sighed, "C'mon Castiel. For old times sake." I opened my mouth to protest but Gabe put on his puppy dog eyes and whispered, "Please." Begrudgingly I climbed onto the bed with Gabe. He smiled and wrapped his arms around me holding me close.

"Looks like you're getting too tall to be the little spoon anymore." I groaned, "Go to sleep Gabriel. I have school in the morning." Gabe chuckled, "Goodnight Lil' bro."

"Good night Gabe." 

That night I dreamed of rain storms and kisses from angels. My alarm woke me up at 6 a.m. I was startled to find that Gabriel was gone. 

I jumped out of bed and looked around my room. He wasn't there and the door was open. "Shit!" I cursed as I flew out of my room and down the stairs. 

"Where's the fire son?" I froze in my steps and turned to face my father, "Good morning, Father. You are up quite early." 

"Hardly Castiel. What's your rush?" I gulped, "Just in a hurry to get my day started sir." Father slightly nodded, "Is that so?" 

"Yes sir." He took a few steps forward, "Strange behavior, Castiel. You are never one to break routine. Its six in the morning and you are coming downstairs instead of getting in the shower. What's going on?" 

"N-nothing Father. I-I didn't eat dinner last night and I am terribly hungry." 

"Is that so?" I nodded, "Yes sir." Father hummed, "Interesting. Well since you see it fit to lie to my face, not only now, but last night as well you can go without breakfast too."

"Father I don't understand-" I wasn't expecting the hand that slapped my face. I stumbled backwards and tripped over the table leg in the foyer. Father scowled, "Useless, clumsy, liar. I know someone was here last night Castiel. I am not a fool. Who it was I don't know yet but I will find out, mind you, I will find out." 

I sat on my knees on the floor, "Yes sir." Father walked towards me and I flinched. He reached down and patted my head, "Have a good day at school." With that he walked out the front door and left for work.

Once I heard his car pull out of the driveway I picked myself up off the floor. I quickly went into the kitchen but Gabe wasn't there. Confused, I returned to my room to get ready for school. 

When I got to my room I bent down and picked up the comforter that was still on the floor. As I folded it a piece of paper fell to the ground. I bent over and picked it up.

Carefully I unfolded the paper and read it. It was a note from Gabriel.

'Dear Cassie,

Sorry to skip out so early but I wanted to get out of here before James woke up. Besides I had to go open up the shop. Call me later. Love you little bro.

Gabe.'

I folded the note back up and put it in my bedside table. Well at least now I knew where Gabriel was. I finished folding the comforter and put it away. I was starting to make my bed when my phone rang.

I walked over to my bed and picked my phone up off the pillow. My heart skipped a beat when I looked at the caller id. It was Dean. I grinned like a fool and hit the answer button.

"Hello, Dean." 

"Hey, Angel. Did I wake you?" I smiled at the pet name Dean had started to call me by. We had been dating for two months now and I still had a hard time believing it was real.

"No, I was already awake. I am surprised that you are up so early though."

"Hey, I can get up early. I just usually don't want to." Dean sounded like he was pouting. 

"Dean, are you pouting?" 

"No!" 

"Yes, you are." Dean scoffed, "Whatever. Anyways I'm gonna come over and pick you up this morning. If that's OK?" 

"Dean, we have school today."

"I know, I know and we're gonna go to school. I just...kinda wanted to spend some time with you before then." I smiled, "What about Sam?" 

"Sam is with his geeky friend Kevin. They had some math competition or something so he spent the night over there. Ms. Tran is taking them to school. So can I come over?" 

"Yes, my father just left so we should be fine." 

"Awesome. I'll be over in 15 minutes. I expect you naked, on your bed with a can of whipped cream and a cherry pie next to you." I blushed, "D-dean I-," Dean chuckled, "I'm just teasing, Cas. I'll be over soon." 

"Alright, I will see you then."

"See you soon, angel." I hung up and decided to take a quick shower. I thought about my relationship with Dean. He constantly teases me about taking things farther, about doing intimate things together. But he never pressures me to actually do them. But what if we did? I mean it couldn't hurt right? Then again I've never done anything like that with anybody. Would Dean be OK with my inexperience? Or would it make him want to find some with more experience?

I shut the shower off and got out. Looking at myself in the mirror I decided that I needed to do something sexual with Dean. I don't really have anything to offer him. I'm scrawny and scarred, my hair is a perpetual mess, there's still some bruises from when I upset father on Monday. They are faded but still ugly on my chest next to my cuts and scars.

I pulled on a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. Yeah I would do something to show Dean I wasn't useless. I hurried to the kitchen and rummaged around in the fridge. There had to be some whipped cream somewhere. I let out a triumphant yell when I found it. 

Quickly, I went up to my room and placed it on the bedside table. I looked at my bed and decided it should look a little messed up. I pushed my blankets around and roughed up my pillow. 

I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair could be a little messier. I ran my fingers through my hair a couple times to make it even messier. I smiled at my reflection as I heard the doorbell.

"Just a minute!" I ran my fingers through my hair, one more time, looked at my alarm clock to make sure we had time, then took the stairs two at a time.

I opened the door slowly and smirked, "Hello Dean." Dean's mouth dropped open, "C-cas? What's uh what's going on?" 

"Nothing. I don't know what you mean." Dean looked shocked which made me smile. "Well come in don't be shy." I grabbed Dean's wrist and pulled him inside. I shut the door and turned to face my boyfriend, "So you're here now. What do you wanna do?" 

"Uh, watch a movie?" As seductively as I could I stepped right into Dean's space, "Or we could do something a little more," I leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Sensual." I heard Dean's breath catch in his throat as a shudder went through his body.

"S-s-sensual?" I poked my tongue out and licked his neck, "Sensual." 

"Uh OK if you're comfortable with that angel." I tried to bat my eyes seductively, "Follow me babe." I grabbed Dean's hand and laced our fingers together. I smiled and gently tugged him towards the stairs. He said nothing and followed my lead.

When we got to my room I pushed him towards the bed, "Lie down a while Dean." I turned to shut the door and collect myself. I was nervous. Hell was I nervous. My heart was pounding in my chest and I had to take a couple deep breaths to get my hands to stop shaking.

"Cas? You OK?" I turned and grinned at Dean, "I'm fine. You ready?" Dean sighed and stood up, "Cas, I don't know what's gotten into you but, you don't have to do this. If this makes you uncomfortable we don't have to do anything. We could just go watch a movie." 

"No!" I walked over to Dean and pushed him onto my bed, "I wanna do this." I climbed up and straddled Dean's waist. Dean placed his hands on my hips, "Cas, we really don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with." 

"Relax Dean. I'm perfectly comfortable." I gave an experimental roll of my hips and gasped at the friction. Dean moaned, "God the things you do to me angel." I smiled and slid my hands under Dean's shirt. Slowly I pushed the shirt higher on Dean's chest, practically drooling at the skin in front of me.

"Dean, I think I'd like it if you took your shirt off." Dean nodded, "I think that's a good idea Cas." Dean sat up and pulled his shirt off. He tugged at the hem of my shirt, "You too angel. Shirt. Off. Now." 

I hesitated but slowly pulled my shirt over my head. As soon as my shirt was off Dean's lips were on me. He kissed my neck, trailing kisses all over my chest down towards my boxers. 

"You're so beautiful Cas. So so gorgeous." I wrapped my fingers in the short strands of Deans hair, "Dean, kiss me please." I tugged on his hair, which made him moan. He kissed back up my chest until his lips were on mine. I sighed and deepend the kiss nipping at Dean's lower lip.

Dean flipped us over so that he was hovering over me. He slipped his thigh in between my legs and put pressure on my groin.

"Dean!" I tightened my grip in his hair as my hips bucked into Dean's thigh. Dean chuckled, "You like that baby?" I nodded, "Y-yes." He did it again and I groaned.

"Damn you make the prettiest noises angel," Dean whispered against my neck. I bucked into his thigh again, "Dean, how do you want me?" Dean stopped sucking on my neck and lifted his head up, "What?"

"How do you want me?" I rubbed against his thigh, "Do you want me like this? Or do you want me on my hands and knees?" Dean sat up, "Cas what are you talking about?" Tentatively I reached out and grabbed Deans hand, "I mean how do you want me? Covered in whipped cream? I brought up the can if that's how you wanna do this."

"What is 'this' Cas?" I moved Dean’s hand from down my chest towards my boxers. His eyes widened but he didn't try to stop me. Slowly I pushed his hand under the elastic, down past my straining erection, towards my entrance.

I watched as Dean's face went from confusion to realization. I tried to calm my erratic heart beat and whispered, "How do you want to fuck me Dean?" Dean pulled his hand out of my boxers, "Cas, what's going on? I was just kidding about the whipped cream. I didn't think you'd take me seriously. Usually you don't. What's gotten into you?" 

“Come on Dean," I grabbed his hand, with one of my shaking ones, and shoved it back into my boxers, "Don't tell me you're not tired of waiting. You have a reputation Dean. You only date people who put out for you and so far I haven't. We haven't done anything besides making out and dry humping that one time when Sam walked in on us. You've got to be tired of waiting for it, its been two months. So I'm putting out for you before you get bored with me and move on to someone else." 

"Cas, angel, did I make you think this?" I sighed and shook my head, "Dean it's just the way it is. Now, how do you want me?"

"Cas, I want you when you're ready. I'm ready, but I can tell that you really aren't." I scoffed, "I am too ready Dean." 

"Cas your hands are shaking," he placed his hand over my heart, "Your heart is beating a mile a minute, and you keep trying to calm yourself down. You're hesitant baby. I don't want you to feel pressured into this. I want our first time to be special for both of us." 

Dean placed his hand on my cheek and rubbed his thumb against it. I leaned into the touch, "I'm just, scared." 

"I know you are angel, but you don't have anything to worry about. I'm not going anywhere Cas. If you wanna fool around then I'm all for that but we don't have to do anything if you don't want to." I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, "I-i think I would like to-to 'fool around' today. If that's OK?"

"Of course it is. How about this, I'll take the lead and we can use the color system. If you're comfortable with what we're doing say green, if you think you're comfortable but you're not 100℅ sure say yellow, if you're definitely not OK with something say red. Sound good to you?" 

"Y-yes. Yes that sounds good." Dean smiled warmly and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. I sighed and kissed back tangling my fingers in his hair. Dean moaned and deepened the kiss, licking into my mouth and nibbling on my lip. 

"What's your color?" Deans lips moved to the sensitive spot on my neck and he started to nip and suck at it. I gasped, "Green. Oh god Dean." Dean chuckled into my skin, "I'm just getting started babe." 

"Well it's good so far." I could feel Dean smile as his lips trailed across my neck, nipping and sucking, probably leaving marks.

"Dean, don't leave marks. People will see." 

"Good I want them to see." He sucked particularly hard on my collar bone, "Want everyone to know you're mine." I shivered at the possessiveness in his voice and could feel my body reacting. 

Dean kept moving his lips all over my chest. He kissed my collar bone, trailed his lips down to my navel and stopped. I groaned, "Why did you stop?" Dean laughed, "Impatient aren't we?"

"Deeeeeaaaaannnnn," I whined. Dean smirked, "Patience angel. I just wanted to make sure I can take your boxers off." I nodded, "Yes. That's OK." 

"OK." Dean moved his face down, placing his mouth over my now obvious erection. I could feel a blush creeping up my neck. We had never done anything like this.

Dean looked up at me through his lashes and blew hot breath on my cloth covered cock.

"Dean! Oh god!" Dean mouthed at my cock through my boxers and I moaned loudly. 

"Bet nobody's ever touched you here huh angel?" I shook my head, "N-no no-nobody." Dean grinned, "I'm gonna make you feel so good Cas. What's your color?"

"Green." Dean pulled at the elastic on my boxers, "Good. Lift your hips so I can get these out of the way." I lifted my hips off the bed and Dean tugged my boxers down. I shuddered as the cold air hit my hot member. 

"I've uh never done this to a guy...sober before so...yeah that's there." I smiled, "Its OK Dean. I don't have anything to compare it to so I won't even know if you're doing it wrong." That seemed to ease some of Dean's tension and he looked down at my cock.

"Well here goes." Tentatively Dean stuck out his tongue and licked the slit. I fisted my hands in the sheets, "Oh, Dean. That f-feels good." Dean licked again and I couldn't keep back my moan.

"Make noises for me baby." Dean ventured farther and sucked the head into his mouth. I reached out and grabbed his hair, "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop." Dean smiled around my cock head and moved further down, twirling his tongue and hollowing his cheeks.

"Dean, I'm not gonna last long." I could feel my stomach tightening in a coil. Dean sucked harder and kept moving down. I tugged on his hair and he moaned, the vibrations causing pleasure.

"Dean, Dean I'm gonna, Dean!" Dean pulled off and wrapped his hand around my shaft. He started pumping up and down his spit mixing with my precome. There was spit and precome on Deans chin and I leaned up and licked it off. 

"Fuck Cas. Gonna make me cum in my pants doing shit like that." I bucked my hips into the tight heat of his fist, "Faster Dean. Make me cum. Wanna cum on your hand." 

Dean pumped faster and twisted his wrist around the head, teasing the sensitive underside. I captured his lips with mine and licked into his mouth as my orgasm hit.

"Oh god Dean!" I moaned into his mouth as I felt my cum hit my stomach. I collapsed back onto the bed high from my orgasm. Dean wiped my stomach and his hand off on the towel that I had used this morning and threw it into the hamper. 

"So? Was that OK?" I smiled at him, "That was awesome." I let my gaze drift down to the bulge in Dean's pants, "Can I... Can I suck you off now?" Dean groaned, "God Cas. What's your color?" 

"Green," I whispered as I sat up and pulled Dean in between my legs. I slid off the edge of the bed, on my knees in front of Dean.

"Oh Cas. Wish you could see yourself like this. On your knees in front of me. Fuck so hot." I reached up unbuttoned his jeans, pulled down the zipper and pulled down his pants and boxers at the same time. 

Dean was huge. His erection was right in front of my face and he was huge. I gulped and looked up at Dean. He was flushed and there was a pretty pink blush on his chest and neck. I stuck my tongue out and licked from the base to the head. 

"Oh god Cas." Dean wrapped my hair around his fingers. A little more confidently I licked again. Dean moaned and tightened his grip on my hair. I licked my lips and then leaned forward and took the head into my mouth. 

Deans hips bucked forward into my mouth. I gagged a little and he pulled back. 

"Sorry babe! Sorry! Are you OK?" I nodded and then had an idea, "Dean, fuck my face." 

"What?" I licked some precome from his slit and he moaned, "Fuck my face Dean. I want you to." I looked up at Dean and he nodded, "What's your color?" 

"Green, now do it." I opened my mouth as wide as I could and tried to relax my throat. Dean slowly pushed his thick dick into my mouth. He stopped when my nose hit his body. It actually wasn't as hard to deep throat as I thought it would be as long as I stayed relaxed. 

"So good for me angel. My angel." Slowly Dean started to fuck my mouth. Pulling out and pushing back in in a steady rhythm. It was kinda hard to breathe but I didn't choke. I swallowed around Dean which caused him to moan loudly and push harder.

"God I'm so close. Just a little more baby." Dean's rhythm started to become erratic as his orgasm got closer. I twirled my tongue around his length and sucked as best I could.

"Fuck Cas I'm coming!" Dean pulled out of my mouth completely right as he came, all over my face. It was warm and I closed my eyes and kept my mouth open.

"Jesus Cas, you look so filthly and hot. On your knees with my cum on your face. Fuck." I stood up and kissed Dean, all opened mouth and tongue. Dean groaned and licked his come off my lips and chin. 

"That was awesome Cas." Dean kissed my lips again before I walked over to get a towel and wipe my face off. 

"It certainly was different." Dean laid down on my bed and pat the space next to him. I grinned and walked over to the bed. As soon as I laid down Deans arms were around me, "That was awesome Cas. Thank you." I smiled as Dean kissed the back of my neck, "You weren't so bad yourself." 

Dean kept kissing the back of my neck softly, "Can we just stay here today? Its Friday we don't really need to go to school." 

"Dean we can't skip class just to stay in bed all day." Dean whined, "Why not? I'd rather be here with you than there anyways." I smiled and laced our fingers together, "I love you." Dean stopped, "What?" I rolled over so that we were lying face to face, "I know we've only been dating two months, a-and you're not the touchy feely type. But...well I love you Dean. And you don't have to say it back yet. Actually I don't want you to say it back until you feel the same way. I just...I love you and I wanted to say it out loud, to you." 

"Cas, I- shit I feel put on the spot here man." I placed my hand on his cheek, "Dean you don't have to say anything. Let's just lay here until we have to go to school." Dean nodded and wrapped his arms tighter around me. 

We laid there together, I peppered little kisses on Dean's chest and he rubbed circles on my back. We stayed there even after school had started. I didn't want to leave the moment. I smiled to myself as Dean started humming and I felt myself falling asleep. Missing one day of school wouldn't hurt anything, I thought as I closed my eyes and dozed.


	28. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Merry Christmas to all of you readers out there that keep this story alive! Sorry it took so long to post this chapter but we've been trying to make it perfect for the past like 3 months. We hope it was worth the wait and plan to have the next chapter up soon since it will be easier to write. This one was a tough one but we hope you'll like it. 
> 
> Love,  
> brown_eyed_fallen_angel  
> Casgirl176
> 
> **WARNING**  
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ATTEMPTED RAPE. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

"Sooooooooooooooooooooooo-”

"Charlie,” I cut in, “are you actually going to ask me something or are you just gonna sit there and add more unnecessary o's to that word?" Castiel lightly smacked me on the arm and gave me a glare for it, but I just shrugged. “What?” I asked, with all the innocence I could muster.

"Dean, be nice to Charlie." I rolled my eyes, "Fine. What's up Charlie?" Charlie grinned like the Cheshire cat, "So, Dean, I was just curious as to whether you had asked Cas to prom yet or not."

"Oh yeah, me too actually," Jo said, including herself in the conversation, "Did you ask Cas to prom yet?" I sat there, not sure what to say.

"Isn't it assumed that we’re going together anyways? Since we're already dating?" Leave it to Cas to make the situation worse. I cleared my throat, "Actually, I wasn't planning on going to prom this year. Besides, prom isn't for another, like, three months. I don't need to worry about that right now."

"Dean," Charlie looked at me confused, "Prom is in three weeks, dude, not three months." Now I'm confused, "What? No it isn't."

"Yeah, it is Dean," Jo rolled her eyes,"where have you been for the past 3 months?" I shook my head, "That can't be right. Cas and I started dating in December and I swear, we just had Valentine's day. Remember, Cas? I took you to the lake and we had a picnic together." Cas nodded, "Yes, Dean, that was about three months ago."

"Are you sure?" I knew they weren't lying but it was just hard to believe that three months had already come and gone.

"Awe, how cute!" Charlie got a dreamy look in her eye, "Time really does fly when you're in love." I choked on my drink and Cas placed his hand on my thigh, "Charlie, don't say the "L-word" around Dean. It makes him constipated."

"Yeah, emotionally constipated." Charlie glared at Jo but Jo continued to speak her mind, "Seriously Dean, why can't you just tell Cas you love him? It's obvious to everyone that you do." Cas blushed and looked at the floor. I placed my hand on top of his, still resting on my thigh.

"When the time is right, I'll say it. Until then, it’s really none of your goddamn business, Harvelle." Jo rolled her eyes and stood up, "Whatever Dean, I gotta get back to work before mom finds out that I left. See y'all later."

"See ya, Jo." Once Jo was gone I nudged Charlie under the table, "So when are you gonna ask Gilda to prom? Hmmm?" Charlie blushed, "Not sure what you're talking about, Dean."

"Right. I'm sure you're not. Well, Cas and I gotta get going." Cas and I got up and I wrapped my arm around his waist. Charlie whined, "Already? I feel like we just got here." I shrugged, "Yeah, Cas is on a really strict schedule right now."

"Thanks to you, Dean." I smiled, "It was worth it and you know it." Cas blushed and I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"Awe, you two are so cute, I don't know if I wanna barf or sigh."

"Well whatever you pick, let us know tomorrow. I gotta get Cas home." Charlie smiled and waved, "See you guys tomorrow!"

Cas and I waved at Charlie, then left the Roadhouse, hand in hand. I couldn't stop thinking about what Jo had said. She was right, I didn't try to hide the fact that Cas is basically my whole world. Everyone at school had already found out that we were together and I wasn't trying to hide it anymore. Being with Cas made me happy, I felt things I've never felt before and it terrified me. To let someone get so close? Scared the holy hell out of me.

"Hey," Cas nudged my shoulder with his, "I lost you for a minute there. Are you alright, Dean?" I shook my head, "Cas, does it bother you?" He tilted his head in that way that he does when he's confused, "Does what bother me?"

"That I never say it back? You always tell me that you lo- have strong feelings for me, but I never say it back. Doesn't that bother you?" Cas smiled a little and shook his head, "No, Dean, it doesn't. I know you love me, even if you can't bring yourself to say it."

"How? How do you know?"

"It is simple, Dean. I see it in your eyes when you look at me. You don't look at anything or anyone the way you look at me. The way that you kiss me like you have to or you won't be able to breathe. The way that you always call me or text me goodnight. And I can never forget the way that you act when other people try to hurt me. I can see that you care about me the way that no one else has." Cas stopped walking and turned to face me. He cupped my face in his hands, "Dean, there are so many ways that you let me know that I'm loved. You don't have to say it for me to know. I mean, I still would like to hear it, but only when you're ready. So, don't feel obligated to say it just because I do, okay?” I nodded. “I love you, Dean."

Cas kissed me chastely on the lips then climbed inside the impala. I smiled and got in the driver’s seat, "You know, we probably have time for a quick blowjob before I take you home."

"Dean." Cas glared at me, but with no heat behind his eyes. I sighed and shrugged, "You're right, that's what got you in trouble in the first place." I started the car and backed out of the parking lot. Cas reached out and turned up the radio.

"Hm, I like this song." I laughed as Cas started to sing along with the radio.

"Really, Cas? All out of love? Seriously?" Cas lightly punched my shoulder, "Shut up. You like this song, too. You're just too 'manly' to admit it."

"Whatever you say, angel." I smiled when Cas reached over and laced our fingers together. We held hands until I pulled up outside of Cas' house.

"Well, this is your stop, Cas. I'll pick you up tomorrow and we can talk more about prom, alright?" Cas smiled, "Of course, Dean. I will see you tomorrow." I leaned forward and gave Cas a slow kiss. Cas pulled away first, "I better get inside before my father extends my punishment."

"Yeah, I don't want this early curfew thing to last too long." Cas kissed me one last time and whispered, "I love you." Before slowly climbing out of the impala. I watched him climb out debating with myself about whether I should say it back or not.

"Hey, Cas!" Cas bent down and looked into the car, "Yes, Dean?" I gulped, "I-I...I'll see you tomorrow." Cas smiled softly, "Goodnight, Dean."

"‘Night Cas." Cas shut the passenger door and walked up to his house. I waited until he was inside to exhale heavily. I drove away, cursing my emotional constipation.

When I made it back home, Sam was sitting on the couch with Sarah. I set my keys down and slid out of my shoes and walked up to them with a smirk on my face, "Has he made a move yet Sarah?"

"Dude!" Sam blushed, "Seriously?" Sarah laughed and shook her head, "Not yet, Dean, but if he doesn't soon I might have to do it for him." Sam's blush deepened and I laughed, "Marry this girl Sammy, she's a dream come true."

"Shut up, jerk."

"Bitch. I'm going to bed so try to keep it down, alright?" Sarah laughed while Sam groaned, "Please leave." I winked, "You two behave now."

"Goodnight Dean." Sam grumbled. I went to my room and stripped down to my boxers. Then I flopped down on my bed and plugged my phone in. When the screen came on I had a new text message.  
It was from Cas so I opened it.

'Made it home before curfew so father might shorten my grounding period.'

I smiled and typed out a reply.

'That's awesome Cas mayb we can go 2 the lake again soon'

It didn't take long for Cas to respond.

'I love going to the lake with you. That sounds like a great way to celebrate my renewed freedom. I have to go to bed now or father will be upset. Goodnight Dean. I love you.'

'Sounds good I'll pick u up 4 school tomorrow night Cas'

I put my phone on my nightstand and tried my best to fall asleep. My dreams were filled with blue eyes and whispered 'I love you's’.

I woke up to my alarm at 6:45 and quickly went through my morning routine. I took a two minute shower, brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, threw on an old Led Zeppelin tee with a plaid shirt over it, jeans, boots, grabbed my phone, my backpack and ran down the stairs.

"Dean, honey, do you want some breakfast?" Mom called from the kitchen.

"No, mom, I don't have time. I gotta pick Cas up at seven."

"It's ten after, Dean." I cursed and grabbed a package of pop tarts on my way out the door, "Sammy, let's go!"

"Have a good day, and tell Cas I said hi!"

"yea okay, bye mom." I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and made my way outside.

"I'm coming, Dean. Don't leave without me!" Sam came running out the front door and got in the backseat, right as I was pulling out.

"Nice timing, Sammy. I almost left ya." Sam finished tying his shoe and then looked at his watch, "You're late. Cas is gonna be pissed."

"No he won't.Just shut it or I'll make you walk."

Unfortunately Sam was right. By the time I got to Cas' it was 7:25 and he looked pissed.

"Dean, you're late." I rolled my eyes, "Well good morning to you too, grumpy." Cas huffed, "I wouldn't be in a sour mood if you would arrive on time. You said you would be here at seven. Its 7:25, Dean."

"I got up late this morning. Sorry."

"You could've let me know that you were going to be late." I clenched my jaw, "I wasn't aware that I had to let you know what I was doing and when I was doing it your highness." Cas groaned, "That's not what I said, Dean."

"Well that's what it sounded like, Cas."

"It wasn't supposed to come out like that. I meant it as more of a "for future reference"."

"Yeah well I'll get there when I get there and if you don't like it, you can walk."

"Fine." Cas turned and glared out the window.

"Fine." I turned the radio up to drown out the tense silence. We dropped Sam off first and he got out of the car without a word to either of us.

When I parked in the school parking lot Cas quickly got out without saying anything to me. Which just increased my anger. So I shut the car off, got out, slammed the door, and went straight to home room.

I spent the rest of the day stewing in my anger and wondering why I was so angry. I avoided Cas and got the stink eye from Jo, Charlie, and Garth. By the time Math came around I wasn't even sure why we had gotten into an argument in the first place.

I walked into the classroom and went to take my seat next to Cas. But Mr. Padalecki stopped me, "Can I talk to you for a minute Mr. Winchester?" I nodded and followed him to his desk, "What?"

"Well, I noticed that your grade has improved tremendously. And Castiel tells me that you two have continued your tutoring sessions."

"Yeah, since December." Mr. Padalecki nodded, "I'm aware. You see Castiel keeps me well informed when it comes to the students he's tutoring."

"Forgive my bluntness but I don't see what this has to do with me eaxcatly."

"Dean, you're smart. I know that you and Castiel are in a relationship and I think it would be best if you quit being tutored. It would free up a little bit more of Castiel's time so that he could help someone who needs it."

"I need it Mr. Padalecki. My grade wouldn't be this high without Cas."

"And I understand that. All I'm saying is that you and Castiel can study together outside of school tutoring hours. That way someone else can be helped. Alright?" I nodded, "Yes sir."

"Good. Now please take your seat so that we can begin." I walked to my desk and plopped down in it. Cas kept his gaze locked on a cloud outside.

"Hey, Cas. About this morning. Look I'm sorry alright? I don't really know why I was so angry. Just having an off day ya know?" Cas said nothing. I sighed, "Alright I get it. You'll talk to me when you're not angry anymore. Can you at least let me know if you want me to wait after school today?"

Cas curtly nodded and continued staring out the window. I shrugged, "That is good enough for me angel." If Cas didn't want to talk to me that was fine at least he still wanted to see me after school.

After math ended the rest of my day passed in a blur. By the time my brain had fully caught back up to me school was over. So I grabbed my stuff and headed for the impala. Quickly I sent a text to Cas.

'I'll b waiting by Baby' I shoved my phone in my pocket and walked out to my Baby. I was half expecting to see Cas already there but he wasn't. My phone vibrated and I pulled it out and looked at the text.

'Kevin and I are going to hang out at his house today. I already cleared it with mom.'

I smirked and sent a reply.

'Right. have fun with "Kevin" ;)'

'Jerk' was the reply.

'Bitch' I responded. I looked at the time on my phone. It was already 3:12. Cas was never this late, and I was starting to worry. So I sent another text.

'Cas r u still mad at me? Talk 2 me babe' I waited another 5 minutes for a reply, but didn't get one. Now I was really worried. So I tried to call him. He didn't pick up. I had reached the point of freaking out now and was quickly walking back into the school to look for him.

I looked in the bathroom, the library, and the office but he wasn't there. I tried to call again, "C'mon Cas, answer your phone, dammit."

"You have reached the voicemail box of-" I hung up and stared at my phone. Why wasn't he answering? Maybe he had decided he didn't want to be around me right now and he had already left the school. With that thought in mind I headed back towards the parking lot. If he had decided to walk, then I would just go to his house.

I was almost to my Baby when I heard the first scream. I froze, my blood turning to ice in my veins. And then he screamed again.

"Dean? Dean, help!" I took off towards the sound of Cas' screams, "Cas? CAS!"

"Dean!" I ran full force towards the bleachers by the football field my heart racing, my muscles burning. When I got there I was blinded by red hot rage.

Metatron had Cas pinned to the ground, Cas' pants and boxers pulled down around his ankles, Metatron hard and positioned to breach Cas. Anger flooded my veins. Anger that I've never experienced before.

"Get your fucking hands off of him!" I stormed over to them and kicked Metatron hard In the ribs, shoving him off of Cas. Cas curled into fetal position and started to sob. Metatron quickly pulled up his pants and fled. I briefly considered pursuing him, but I knew that Cas needed me.

"Cas." I fell to my knees and ran my fingers through my hair, unsure of what to do. "Cas, this is all my fault. I'm so sorry." Cas shook his head and curled into himself tighter and continued to sob.

I could feel the tears start to form in my own eyes. Followed by burning rage. I would kill Metatron if I ever saw him again, but first, I needed to take care of Cas.

"Castiel, is it okay if I touch you? I'm going to reach down and pull your pants up,okay? I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." Cas nodded, so I gently reached down and pulled up Cas' boxers and pants. Then I gently rolled him onto his back, "Cas, I'm gonna carry you to the car alright? I'm gonna take care of you." Cas didn't respond, just squeezed his eyes shut. I sighed and carefully lifted him off the ground and carried him up the field, to my car.

When we got to the impala I opened to passenger side and gently set a shivering Cas down. Quickly, I climbed into the driver's side, "I'm gonna take you home alright?"

"No! Please take me to Gabriel's." I frowned, "Okay Cas, whatever you need. Just tell me where he lives.” Cas wrapped his arms tighter around himself, "He lives above his candy shop. Please, Dean. I don't want to go home."

"It's Okay,Cas. I'm gonna get you to Gabriel's." I pulled out of the parking lot and sped to Gabriel's candy shop. Having met Gabriel on Valentine's day when I wandered, unknowingly, into his shop I knew where it was. I also got the threatening of a lifetime that day. Something to do with 'Lollipops being shoved so far up my ass that I would shit skittles for a week.' Whatever that meant.

I parked outside of Gabriel's shop and went over to the passenger side of the car. Carefully I lifted Cas out of the car and carried him into the shop.

"Welcome to Heavenly Sweets what can I...Dean? What the hell?

"Gabriel, where are the stairs to your apartment?" Gabriel pointed to a door behind the register, "Behind that door and to the left. Dean what the hell is going on?"

"I need to take Cas upstairs, he almost got raped today." Gabe quickly opened the door, "Holy shit, are you serious?"

"Dead fucking serious. Where's your bedroom?"

"Down the hall first door to the right. Uhh Fuck. I'll go run some hot bath water." Gabe went through the door across from his bedroom to start the bath water. I carried Cas into Gabriel's bedroom and laid him in the bed. He was still curled in the fetal position, silent tears running down his cheeks.

"Oh Cas, I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner."

Tears began to fall down my cheeks. Cas reached out a hand and wrapped it around my wrist, "It wasn't your fault Dean." I tried to smile but instead I just started to sob. I was scared beyond belief at the thought that Cas had almost been raped by that dirty bastard.

"Waters ready. I'll let you handle him while I go close up shop." I smiled at Gabriel, "Thank you." He nodded and went back downstairs.

"Cas, do you think you can walk to the bathroom?" Cas nodded and I helped him get out of the bed and walk across the hall. When we stepped in the bathroom I shut the door and started to help Cas undress. He sobbed the whole time.

"He touched me Dean. With his dirty nasty hands he touched me. I didn't want him to, but he did. I should've fought harder. Oh god Dean, he touched me." I placed a soothing hand on Cas' back, "I know angel. I know. You did your best. Climb in the tub and wash it all away. It'll help."

Cas got in the tub and let me wash him while he sobbed. I tried not to cry but it was too hard for me not too. By the time I was helping Cas dry off, we were both teary messes. I knew it would be a bad idea to put Cas back into his clothes so I went across the hall and grabbed one of Gabriel's shirts, boxers, and a pair of sweatpants. I helped Cas put them on then we went back into the bedroom.

Cas laid on the bed curled into the fetal position. I sat next to him running my fingers through his hair and whispering words of comfort to him. When Gabriel came back upstairs he looked in the bedroom and asked, "Is he asleep?" I nodded.

"OK, I'm gonna go order some pizza."

"Sounds good to me, thanks Gabe. Really." Gabe shrugged, "This is what brothers are for, right?" I nodded, "Yeah, I guess.” After a short moment of silence, I added, “You know, he specifically asked to be brought here. He begged me not to take him home."

"Well, I'm sure you've met James. Do you really blame him for not wanting to go there? After what happened?" I sighed, "I know. I wouldn't have taken him there anyways. I was going to take him to my house, but he asked me to take him here."

"Nice to know the little twerp still loves me. I'll be right back. You two gonna be okay alone in here?"

"Yea, we'll be fine. Thanks, man."

"Sure thing, kiddo. If you need me, I'll just be down the hall." With that Gabriel shut the bedroom door leaving me alone with Cas. For awhile I just sat there running my fingers through his hair and whispering a dozen different apologies to him. I sent a quick text to my mom to let her know what had happened and tell her that I wouldn't be coming home tonight. She said she understood and told me to file a police report as soon as possible and maybe even take Cas to the hospital to be seen. I told her I would think about it and call her in the morning.

After a while, Cas woke up.

"Dean?"

 

“Yeah, angel? What do you need?" Cas reached out with a shaking hand and laced our fingers together, "I want you. Can you please just hold me?" I nodded, fresh tears falling down my face at the sight of my broken angel.

I laid down on Gabriel's bed on my back. Cas quickly cuddled up to my side, burying his face in my chest and sobbing. I rubbed a soothing hand on his back and held him as close to me as I could.

"Sing for me, Dean." I wiped the tears off my face and cleared my throat, "What do you want me to sing?" Cas gripped my shirt tightly and shrugged, "I don't care, just-please, sing to me."

"Alright, I uh, wrote this one for you around valentine's day but, uh, I was too scared to sing it for you then." I cleared my throat again and softly sang to Cas.

 

"One more time to kill the pain  
one more jagged line that gets deeper every time  
Some more blood to stain the carpet  
No one cares I'm all alone

But if you could see what I see

Blue eyes that shine brighter than the stars  
A smile that melts my beating heart  
A heart that is purer than gold  
And a beautiful soul  
I see an angel

Those tears that stain your perfect face  
I want my lips to replace  
I'll hold you close until it stops  
All this pain you're not alone

If you could see what I see

Blue eyes that shine brighter than the stars  
A smile that melts my beating heart  
A heart that is purer than gold  
And a beautiful soul  
I see an angel

How did I get blessed this way  
I was lost but now I'm saved  
God sent me his finest angel  
His finest angel

Blue eyes that shine brighter than the stars  
A smile that melts my beating heart  
A heart that is purer than gold  
And a beautiful soul  
I see an angel  
God sent me an angel  
You're my angel."

Cas held me tighter and whispered, "I love you, Dean." I kissed the top of his head and whispered back, "I love you, angel."

And I meant it. With all my heart.


	29. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone had a good holiday! Thank you for your comments and kudos, those mean a lot to us. 
> 
> **WARNING**  
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF RAPE, VIOLENCE, AND SELF HARM. READER DISCRETION IS HIGHLY ADVISED.

I hastily fled the school building, angry at Dean, but I couldn't remember why. I stood there, trying to decide if I wanted to walk home, or wait for Dean, like I had told him. Slowly, I made my way towards the parking lot, where Dean’s car should be.

"Hey, fag!" I ignored the slur and kept walking. Suddenly, a forceful pair of hands were grabbing my shoulders. I was spun around, so that I was face to face with Metatron. 

"Where's the fire, Castiel?" Metatron's voice was sickly sweet and it made my stomach churn, "There is no fire. Let me go." I tried to break free, but his grip only tightened, "I would like to talk to you, Castiel. One on one."

"I feel it would be unwise of me to consent to this. Please, leave me alone." 

"Oh, Castiel, I wasn't asking." Metatron shoved me into the side of the school building, "You and I are going to have a nice little chat, Castiel. And when it's over, let's just say your life will be changed." Metatron sneered and I could feel a panic attack building. 

"Metatron, please, just leave me alone. I have never done anything to you. Why can't you just leave me be?" 

"Never done anything?" Metatron scoffed and pulled me away from the school building, "Never done anything!" He roughly shoved me towards the bleachers. I couldn't keep my balance and I fell down the small hill onto the football field.

"How about that time in 8th grade, hm?" Metatron straddled my hips, pinning me to the ground, then grabbed my wrists and held them down.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Now I was really starting to panic, my heart was beating faster, my breathing was becoming quick and shaky, the world was starting to spin. 

"Oh, how convenient of you to forget how you ruined my life!" 

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I repeated, louder this time.

"Here, let me refresh your memory. It was 8th grade and there was going to be a winter dance at the school.” He began, with a punch to my face, “I approached you and asked you if you would like to be my date. But you said no.” And then another punch. “That's not what ruined me though, what ruined me is you telling your loudmouth cousin about it, because then she told everyone! I was made fun of by the whole middle school because you couldn't keep your mouth shut.” He punched me again, and I was starting to lose consciousness. “And you know what happened when my father found out I had asked a boy to the dance? He beat me and sent me to a place where they use cruel methods to convince you that you're not gay and that thinking like that is wrong." He spat the last word at me, red in the face.

"I'm sorry, Metatron," I took a shuddering breath, "I didn't know those things had happened. I don't understand why you treat me so poorly even now, four years after it happened. It was such a petty thing, can't you just forgive me?" 

"Forgive you?" Metatron laughed mirthlessly, "No, Castiel, I won't forgive you. Because you don't deserve forgiveness. You deserve to be punished. To suffer, like I suffered. To be ruined, just like you ruined me." 

"Please," I begged tears spilling down my cheeks, "Don't do this." Metatron smiled but it was cold and evil, "Beg, Castiel, it makes this more fun for me." 

Metatron roughly flipped me over pinning my wrists behind my back and shoving me to my knees. I tried to fight back, tried kicking and punching. But it was no use, four years of being on the football team had made Metatron far stronger than me. There was nothing I could do. 

"Don't struggle, Castiel. It'll only make it hurt more." I couldn't see anything, my face shoved into the dirt and grass. But I could feel everything. I could feel Metatron reach around and undo my pants, I could feel him pull them down to my knees along with my boxers. 

"Please, don't! I'm sorry that you were so hurt, but you don't have to do this!" I tried to wiggle out of his hold but he just shoved me harder into the ground, "That's it Castiel, cry like the baby you are."

My panic continued to swell, it was hard to breathe, my silent tears turned into sobs, my heart felt like it would explode, and no one was here to stop this from happening. 

I could hear sucking sounds and then a pop, "Relax, or this will hurt," I could feel Metatron run a spit slick finger over my entrance. My entire body tensed, “Please, don't! I'm a virgin! Don't! I don't want this! Dean! Dean, help! Dean!" 

"Dean can't hear you!" Metatron said in a sing-song voice and shoved his finger inside. The pain was like nothing I'd ever felt. It burned and I could feel my body stretching and maybe ripping. I screamed from the pain but Metatron simply continued his task, pushing his finger in as deep as it would go, then pulling it back out, over and over again.

"God, Castiel, you're so tight!" Metatron added another finger and I screamed from the pain, "Stop, Stop, Stop, Please! Please! Dean! Dean, help me!" I sobbed, my face shoved into the dirt. 

"This is nothing, Castiel. This burn, this pain, nothing compared to the pain I went through." Metatron pulled his fingers out and I prayed to whatever God would listen that this was over. I allowed myself to hope that it was, until I felt something hard and wet nudge at my opening. 

"Now, this pain, well, it might be somewhat close to the pain I felt." I struggled to break free, this couldn't be real. Metatron laughed and nudged his dick against my entrance, again.

"Dean! Dean, help!" I sobbed my panic attack taking control of my body, making me seize up, completely helpless. 

"Cas! CAS!" I heard Dean scream and hope filled my chest, "Dean!" 

"No one will save you, Castiel. You don't deserve to be saved." Suddenly my father was standing in front of me holding Dean up by the neck like he weighed nothing, "You filthy, worthless, waste of space. You killed her and now you deserve what you get." Tears blurred my vision, "Father, please, help."

My father laughed, "You are so pathetic. Not even your man whore of a boyfriend would help you now." 

My father let go of Dean and he stood in front of me, his eyes empty and cold, "He's right, Cas. Why would I want you now? Now that you've let yourself be touched." 

"No! Dean, please." I could feel Metatron reach his hand around me and stroke my flaccid cock, "Get hard for me, Castiel. I know you're enjoying this." I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, all I could do was lie there and let it happen. 

My father laughed, Dean turned and walked away, and Metatron pushed inside.

I woke up with a jolt. All I could hear was screaming, only to find that it's coming from me. I scrambled out of the arms that were around me. I gasped for breath, my lungs tight, refusing to fill with oxygen. 

"Cas? Cas, what's wrong angel?" I could hear Dean but I couldn't see him through my tears. I was sobbing, and I could feel everything all over again. Metatron touching me with his filthy hands. Pushing his finger inside me. The pain of not being properly prepared. His dick nudging at my entrance, almost penetrating me. 

"He...touched...me," I gasped out between sobs.  
"He...touched...me...I'm...ruined...just...like...him." I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in them, gasping and sobbing just trying to breathe.

"Cas, listen to me. It's going to be alright. He's not here. It's just you and me, angel. You have to calm down. It was just a nightmare." I felt the bed shift, like Dean was moving closer to me. Then a hand gripped my wrist, and all the images came flooding back. 

"Don't touch me!" I screamed and shoved him away from me, "Dean! Dean, help!" 

"I'm right here Cas! It's me! Its Dean, it's not him Cas, I swear." 

"He touched me. He touched me." I sobbed and curled into a fetal position, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. пожалуйста, прости меня. пожалуйста, прости меня. мне таклюбовь моя любовь." 

"Cas, what the hell?" 

Gabriel bolted into the room, a panicked look in place of his permanently calm demeanor.

"Dean, what's going on?" 

"I don't know! He woke up screaming and crying and when I tried to help, he freaked out and started speaking some foreign language. What the fuck is he saying Gabriel?" 

"Please, forgive me, I am so sorry, my love. It's Russian. I didn't even know that he remembered any of it." 

"Remember it? Why does he even know it?" 

"Our mother, Amelia, was Russian. She taught us how to speak Russian fluently when we were younger. But after she died, James wouldn't allow us to speak it. I forgot most of it, but I guess Cas didn't."

I wrapped my arms around myself tighter, willing all the voices to stop. I heard nothing other than those voices. 'You whore. Letting him touch you like that. You should be ashamed.'

"Cas, listen to me. It's Gabriel, your big bro. You're safe, Cas. Nobody can hurt you here." 

'Worthless. Crying like a baby. You don't deserve sympathy, you deserve to be punished.' 

"Cas, please. Come back to me." Dean had tears in his eyes too. 

'You deserve to die. Die, like she did. You murdered her. Killer. Slut. Murderer.'

"Angel, please. Come back to me, I-I Love you."

I opened my eyes, my heart rate slowing, my lungs opening allowing me to breathe, "Dean?" 

I felt Dean place his hand on my arm. My whole body tensed at the touch. Dean soothingly rubbed circles into my arm, "Hey there, Angel." 

“Cas, hey buddy.” I heard Gabriel and looked over at him. He had his hands placed on his patellas, bending over to look me in the eye. “You gonna be okay?” I nodded slightly, then yawned. Gabriel took that as his cue, gave me a once-over, nodded curtly, and hesitantly left the room.

The room was filled with a tense silence before I spoke up, shakily and hesitantly. "Did you mean it?" I relaxed a little allowing Dean to move closer to me. He smiled at me as his memory sparked, "Yeah, I meant it. Always will. I love you, Cas." Tears began to invade my vision, again, as I said, "I love you too, Dean."

"Can I touch you?" Dean whispered. I nodded with hesitation and as he gently wrapped me in his arms, I only flinched once. When he said, "It's gonna be alright, Angel. I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise." I didn't hesitate as I clutched onto my lover, buried my face into his chest, and let my tears soak his T-shirt. He sat there, holding me, whispering his love for me into my ear. 

" I'm so sorry, Dean," I cried, "I tried to stop him, but I was too weak. I'm sorry. So so sorry. пожалуйста, прости меня. мне таклюбовь моя любовь."

"Hey, hey, Cas. I don't understand what you're saying to me." Dean slowly ran his fingers through my hair, "It's not your fault, Cas. It's not your fault." I gripped Dean's shirt tighter in my fists not wanting to let go, "I love you, Dean."

"I know, Cas. I love you too. Let's try and get some sleep, yea? We have school tomorrow- well, I have school tomorrow, and if I miss anymore, my parents will get in trouble with the state." Dean kissed the top of my head, "I swear on my life that I will never let anything bad happen to you again. You can rest now, I'm here."

"I know you won't, Dean. You're right, we should try and get some sleep." Together, we laid back on the bed, Dean on his back with his arms around me, my head on Dean's chest, listening to his heart beat. For a while, we laid in silence, Dean rubbing his hand on my back, humming 'Hey Jude.'

I could feel my eyes starting to drift shut, the sound of Dean's humming, his heartbeat, lulling me to sleep. I yawned, "Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, angel." I smiled, finally starting to feel better, "Goodnight моя любовь." Dean chuckled, "Sleep, angel." I finally fell asleep again with a smile on my face and Dean's heartbeat in my ears.

I opened my eyes to darkness. I looked around for some sort of clock or phone to check the time with, but there wasn't one in sight. I stretched my arms and legs, finding the bed empty. Dean must already be awake.

Deciding it wouldn't be healthy to lay around in bed all day, I got up. I walked out of the bedroom door, and I wasn't in Gabriel's apartment. I was in my father's house. And he was in the hallway.

"Ah, good morning, Castiel. Did you sleep well?" My father smiled at me and I took a step backwards, "How did I get here?"

 

My father looked up at me confused, "What do you mean? You've always been here."

"No," I shook my head, "I stayed at Gabriel's last night, with Dean." My father's brow furrowed further in confusion, "Gabriel's? Castiel, Gabriel is in college. And who is Dean?"

"Dean, my boyfriend. What do you mean, Gabriel's in college? What's going on?" I could feel the start of a panic attack coming, "How did I get here?"

"Castiel, what's gotten into you? Are you feeling unwell? Should we call the doctor?" My father stepped forward and I stepped back, "What is going on?"

"Castiel? Is everything alright, dear?" I couldn't believe my eyes, "Mother?" Standing in front of me, was my mother. She smiled sweetly, "Of course its me, Castiel. Are you feeling well?"

"This can't be happening. It's not real." I could feel my chest tightening with anxiety, "This can't be real." My mother walked towards me, "Of course it's real, dear. Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"No, no, I'm not." I closed my eyes and rubbed my face with my hands. When I opened them again, I screamed. My mother's face was bloody, pieces of glass sticking out of her cheeks and forehead, her hair wild and matted, her skin and clothes torn and bleeding.

"You did this," My father said walking up behind her, "You killed my wife! You killed her! The love of my life! You murderer! God will surely condemn your soul to hell for this!"

"No. It was an accident!" I backed away from my parents, into my bedroom, but when I took a step back, I fell through the floor. I screamed as I fell down, down, down, until I landed flat on my back on the football field.

Before I could blink, Metatron was on top of me, yanking my pants off, "You ruined my life, Castiel! Ruined it! So now I'm gonna ruin you!" He shoved a finger inside of me, causing me to scream out in pain. I cried, "Dean! Help me!"

"Cas? CAS!"

Suddenly Dean was standing behind Metatron a smirk on his face, "You're only getting what you deserve, Cas. You deserve to be punished. You deserve to hurt."

"No! Dean," Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to catch my breath, "Dean, please." Dean leaned in towards my face, "See you in hell, murderer."

I woke up screaming. I couldn't breathe, my lungs completely constricted. Tears, still rolling down my face. I could still hear their taunting voices, screaming inside my head.

"Cas? Cas, hey." Dean was standing by the side of the bed, completely dressed and ready for school. He wore a concerned face, and was leaning towards me.

"I just had another nightmare." I wiped tears off my face, "I'm Okay." Dean sat on the edge of the bed, "Are you sure? Cause you were screamin’ pretty loud. I couldn't even get you to wake up." I nodded, "Yes, I'm fine." Dean scooted a bit closer to me, "Can I touch you?" I nodded again and Dean reached out and held my hand, "Do you wanna see a doctor? They might be able to help you."

"No," I sighed, "No I'm fine, really. I would, just, like to go to school."

"School, Cas? I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Not after what happened yesterday." I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, "Dean, it's my choice. I want to go to school. The best way to heal, is to face the object of your fears." Dean frowned, but nodded anyways, "Gabe went out to...get some things for you. I went home and got an overnight bag early this morning, so if you wanna wear some of my clothes today..."

"Thank you, Dean. I would very much appreciate that." Dean smiled and reached down to grab his bag, "I'll, uh, be in the living room if you need anything. We should leave soon, if we wanna be there on time." I nodded, "Of course. Thank you, Dean." Dean smiled and left the room, closing the door behind himself.

I sat on Gabriel's bed and took a few minutes to catch my breath, before getting ready for school. Dean had given me an old Led Zeppelin shirt and a pair of jeans to wear.

 

I quickly changed and went out to the living room.

Dean was sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. I cleared my throat and he looked up, eyes widening when he saw me. I could feel a panic attack rising, but tried to ignore it, "How do I look?"

"Wow, Cas," Dean stood and raked his eyes over my form, "You look great. You should definitely wear my clothes more often." I blushed and looked at the floor, "Thank you, Dean."

"Ready to go?" I nodded and Dean held my hand, "Is this alright? Am I going too fast?" I shook my head, "No Dean, it's fine. I'm fine, really." Dean didn't look convinced, but nodded anyway, "If you say so, angel."

 

I smiled reassuringly, "I really am fine, Dean. It was just a couple of nightmares. Let's go to school, things will be fine."

Dean looked like he wanted to argue about it some more but silently led the way down the stairs to the impala. He walked me over to the passenger side, and opened it for me.

"Dean, I can open the door myself." Dean shrugged, "Just trying to help, Cas." I rolled my eyes and got into the impala, shutting the door. Dean walked around and climbed into the driver's side. He turned the car on, turned the radio up, and drove off towards school. He refused to let go of my hand the entire drive.

When we parked in the school lot, I felt my lungs start to constrict. I could do this. I could do this.

"You alright, angel? I'll take you back to Gabe's, if you want." I shook my head and steeled my nerves, "No. I'll be fine." We got out of the car and walked into the building. We were late so there weren't many people in the halls.

"You want me to walk you to class?" Dean held tighter to my hand, "Maybe I could sit with you? I mean, as long as I'm here, I'm sure it'll count towards my attendance."

"Dean, I know you're worried about me but you really don't have to be. I'm fine. See?" I smiled at Dean but he looked unconvinced, "I will be fine, Dean. I'll see you at lunch, okay?" Dean sighed but relented, "Alright, fine. But if you start to panic, or feel like you need to leave, call me. I will leave class and take you wherever you need to go, Cas."

"Deal. Now go, before you get us both in trouble." Dean leaned in and gave me a quick kiss, "I'll see you at lunch." I smiled, "Yes, you will. I love you, Dean."

"You too, Cas. Better get to class." Dean turned and slowly walked down the hall, glancing over his shoulder every other step. It was terribly endearing and made me smile. I walked into my first class with my head down.

"Castiel? We weren't expecting you to show up."

"I know, I apologize for my tardiness."

"Well, take a seat and pay attention.

I sat in the closest empty seat and turned my attention to the teacher. I was not going to have any problems today. They were just nightmares. They weren't real.

By the time my first class ended, I was feeling much better. I had no anxiety and I wasn't even thinking about what had happened yesterday. I was feeling optimistic and hopeful. Which is usually the best time for bad things to happen.

I was on my way to my second class period, when I saw him. Metatron. He was standing in the hallway with Naomi, but his buddies were nowhere to be seen. I tried to turn and flee before he could see me, but I wasn't fast enough. Before I knew what was happening, he was crowding me against a locker, Naomi right behind him.

"Well, well, well, didn't expect to see you here so soon, Castiel. How are you feeling today?" I could feel the panic rising, my lungs constricting, my heart beat skyrocketing, my head swimming with dizziness.

"Please, leave me alone." I begged in a whisper. Metatron sneered and leaned in to whisper in my ear, "What's wrong, Cas? You didn't like it when I touched your pretty little body? That's a shame, because, I loved every second of it." He ran his tongue over my earlobe, then stepped back, "I'll see you later, Cas."

Him and Naomi walked away, arm in arm. My insides were churning and all the voices in my head were screaming. As quickly as I could, I ran into the nearest bathroom and threw up in the toilet. Memories of yesterday filled my mind, making me puke again. I couldn't stop the tears that followed and truthfully, I didn't want to.

I sank to the floor, tears running down my face, lungs struggling to take in oxygen, heart hammering in my chest, voices screaming in my head.

'He touched you, Castiel. He had his hands all over you. He ruined you. You're completely worthless now. Dean won't want to touch you after all this. It's not worth it.'

"No, Dean loves me. He told me he loves me."

'He lied, Castiel. He's a liar. He doesn't love you. He never loved you and he never will. How could he love someone like you? A worthless, slutty, murderer.'

"No! I'm not a murderer. I'm not. Dean loves me."

'He really doesn't. Why don't you just end everyone's pain and suffering? It's in your bag. Do it.'

"I can't," I sobbed, "I love Dean. Dean loves me."

'He doesn't love you, Castiel. He wants to use you, like Metatron had. And once he gets what he wants, he'll never see you again. He'll leave, Castiel. Everyone leaves you.'

"It's not true," I whispered not believing my own words. The voices continued, ' oh, but it is. End this, Castiel. Make everyone happy. End it all.' I reached into my bag and pulled out the box with my razor in it. 'Do it, Castiel. End this pain, once and for all.'

Memories of yesterday filled my mind. Metatron touching me, using me. My nightmares haunting me. I took my razor out of its box and held it in my hand. Metatron roughly shoving his finger inside of me. I pushed my sleeve up. My mother's bloody face, my father's hate filled words. I pressed the blade into my skin. Metatron preparing to penetrate me. My father telling me how worthless I am. 'Why didn't you die? Why did you live?' I swiped, dragging the razor across my vein, pushing it in deep, as deep as I could.

The skin on my wrist broke open easily. And I bled. Blood running down my arm, pooling on the bathroom floor. I felt lightheaded, weightless. It was nice. I knew this was it, I was going to die this time.

I closed my eyes and saw green eyes and freckles. Dean. My eyes flew open and I started to panic. What was I doing? Dean would be so upset. Dean. I pulled some toilet paper off the roll and tried to stop the bleeding, but my cut was too deep, and I was losing too much blood. I was so lightheaded, I felt like I would pass out at any minute.

I dug my phone out of my pocket, and with unfocused eyes, I called Dean. He answered on the second ring, "Cas, is everything OK?"

"Dean," I gasped out.

"Cas what's wrong? where are you?" I could hear the worry in his voice which only served to increase my own guilt, "I'm in...the boys...bathroom...by my...first class...hurry."

"Cas, why do you sound so breathy? Are you having a panic attack?"

"I'm so sorry, Dean," My voice cracked as I started to sob, "I couldn't-it was too much. I'm so...sorry."

"Cas it's gonna be alright. You don't have anything to be sorry about alright? We'll get through this, you'll be Okay."

"No, I won't. I'm...sorry, Dean," I could barely keep my eyes open, I had lost too much blood, it was too late, "I love you, Dean Winchester. And I'm so sorry...that I was too broken...for you to fix...I love you so much...goodbye, Dean." The phone slipped from my hand and fell to the floor. I struggled to keep my eyes open, I couldn't focus and my body just felt too heavy. I needed to close my eyes and just, sleep.

As I struggled to keep my eyes open the bathroom door burst open, "Cas! Cas, where are you?" Dean walked into the bathroom, "Cas!" I could hear him walk up to the stall I was in. The door was flung open and Dean was on his knees in front of me.

"Cas, oh my God. It'll be okay." There were tears running down his face. I was struggling to keep my eyes open, "I'm...glad...that your face...is the last thing I'll see."

"Don't talk like that, Cas. Don't you dare talk like that. It's going to be okay." Dean put his phone to his ear, "Hello? I need an ambulance, right away. My boyfriend tried to kill himself. He- there's a lot of blood, just-I need an ambulance, quick! I'm gonna try to stop the bleeding. We're at Lawrence high. Just send a damn ambulance!"

Dean took off his shirt and wrapped it around my wrist, "It's Okay. It's gonna be okay. Don't worry, angel, I've got you. You're gonna be okay. You have to be okay." I reached out and placed my hand on Dean's cheek. He leaned into the touch, "I...love...you...Dean."

"I love you, Castiel. Please don't die on me. I need you. I need you." He leaned forward and firmly kissed me. I tried to reciprocate the best I could, but everything started to darken for me. My eyes wouldn't stay open.

"No, no, no, no, Cas. Stay with me, Cas. Open your eyes. Keep them open. Don't stop fighting. You can win this. C'mon, Cas! You can't leave me! I need you! Cas! Castiel! Dammit, Cas, I love you! Don't leave me! Cas!"

"Dean," I whispered as my eyes fell shut and I was embraced by darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so very sorry, feel free to rant or just let it all out in the comments. Next chapter will be up as soon as possible, just to make up for being dicks to you guys;)


	30. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love you guys. Enjoy some feelsy goodness.

"Cas? Cas!" I shook Cas' face, "Cas! No, no, no, no. Cas, please! You can't die on me, Cas. You can't! Open your eyes, Cas. Please." My voice cracked, turning into sobs, "Cas, I love you. Please, open your eyes. Please." 

Cas didn't move. His face had drained itself of any color. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, sobbing. I rocked back and forth, with Cas in my arms, until the paramedics arrived.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step away," a dark haired woman said. 

"No! Don't you see? He's gone! He's gone." I broke down into sobs and clung tighter onto Cas. 

"Tessa, I'll handle this." I felt a big gentle hand on my shoulder, "Hey, brother, we need you to let us help him. We're gonna do all we can, but you gotta let go." 

"I love him. He's my angel, I love him, you gotta fix him." 

"Alright, okay, I know you do. Let us help, we can save him." I looked down at Cas' limp body and gave him a kiss, "Please, save him." The paramedic took Cas from my arms and gave him to the woman, Tessa. She picked him up, carefully and with not much effort at all, placing his limp, pale body onto a gurney. Her and the other medics worked quickly, setting up the intravenous treatment.

"Be careful. Don't hurt him!" I stood and tried to follow her, but a hand stopped me. I looked up at the male paramedic, "I need to be with him." 

"I know you do. Let us do what we can, yeah?" I nodded and he smiled, "Good, now why don't we acquaint ourselves, I'm Benny." 

"I'm, uh...Dean." I introduced myself shakily, my eyes never leaving Cas’ limp form, with Tessa and a few others above him, working to keep him alive. I wipe off the tears that stained my face, even though I might as well leave them there, for I knew there was more pain to come. Benny squeezed my shoulder, reassuringly. "It's gonna be alright, Dean. Tessa is the best paramedic we've got. If anyone can save your friend, it's her." 

"I got a pulse! it's weak, but it's there." Tessa yelled from where she was working to save Cas. I stepped towards him, but Benny stopped me, "Let us take it from here." I hesitantly nodded and Benny ran over to Tessa and the other medics.

"How're we doing, Tessa?"

"He's lost a lot of blood, Benny. I don't think he'll make it to the hospital without a transfusion. His bp is 30/10 and dropping, he might not make it."

"We gotta try, Tessa. Dean, does Cas have any family nearby? Anyone who could give him blood?"

I shook my head, "No, they all live too far away, they would never make it in time. I can do it. Take as much as you need."

"Look, kid," Tessa sighed, "You can't just give blood to anybody. There's a lot more to it than that."

"But, I can! My blood type is O negative. I'm a universal donor. Please, we're wasting time." Benny nodded and I joined them in the back of the ambulance.

"This ambulance doesn't have enough room for two gurneys, so you'll just have to sit there and not move your arm, got it?" I nodded at Benny.

Benny grabbed the IV and my arm, "Don't move, brother." He stuck the needle in my vein and I didn't even blink.

Benny took no time to hook the blood tube up to Cas' arm. He looked so fragile and pale. I could feel more tears make their way down my face.

"If you wanna hold his hand, I'll pretend not to notice." Benny patted my shoulder and I could barely muster up a smile at him, but I reached out with my free arm and threaded my fingers with Cas'. They were cold and clammy.

"Listen to me, you stupid son of a bitch. We’re family, Cas. And I need you. So don't you dare die on me, alright? You need to live, for me, and for you, and for Sam, and Charlie, and Jo, and Garth, and Gabriel. We all love you, Cas. Just stay with me. Please."

I leaned over and pressed our foreheads together, "You hear me? I won't lose you, angel."

"How much longer, Tessa?" Benny shouted.

"Eta 5 minutes." Benny nodded and pulled the IV out of my arm, "We'll hook you back up once we get inside the hospital." I nodded and kissed Cas, "We're almost there, angel."

When we pulled up to the hospital, everything moved in fast forward. Tessa parked the ambulance, came around back, and opened the doors. Benny helped lower the gurney and pushed it inside. I followed them into the hospital with the other paramedic, Andrea, I think was her name. Once we were in the hospital, we were surrounded by nurses and doctors.

"Doc, this boy needs blood, asap."

"Right. do we have a donor?"

"He's here."

"Good. he'll need to come with us."

"Of course." I was ushered forward into the crowd of people.

"Bp 20/5 and dropping."

"Oxygen 15℅"

"Take him to room 137."

"We need an intravenous and a transfusion tube."

"I'm gonna need a suture kit please."

"Bp dropping, we're losing him!"

"I need a defibrillator pack, stat!"

"Son, you can't be in here right now. Nurse, get him out of here!" I was grabbed by my wrist and led out of the room, the door shut behind me, "You don't understand, I need to be in there! Please, let me in there! I'm the donor!"

"Woah, kid, calm down, alright?" The nurse, Meg, according to her name tag, said. I shook my head, "No, I need to be in there." Meg shoved me into a nearby chair, "You will be, just not now, alright? Right now, they are trying to save Clarence. So, we need you to stay out here."

"Clarence? That's not his name. His name is-"

"Castiel. I know. We've met before, him and I." I frowned, "How?" Meg sighed, "This isn't his first trip to Lawrence memorial, kid. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're Dean." I nodded, "How did you know?" Meg smiled, "Clarence is a good friend of mine. Came in a while back looking pretty beat up. He talked about you. Told me how much he liked you. He must've taken my advice if you're here."

"And what advice was that?" I asked walking to the viewing window and looking in at Cas. I could hear Meg come up behind me to look in the window, "I told him that if he liked you, he should go for it. Looks like he did."

"Yeah," I smiled wistfully, "He kinda did." Meg placed her hand on my shoulder, "He's a tough kid. He'll make it through this."

"I know he will." We fell into a comfortable silence after that. A few nurses came out, Meg went in, but I wasn't allowed in yet. So I stood at the window and watched. I watched them stitch up Cas' wrist. Watched Cas flatline and be brought back with the defibrillator. Watched them hook him up to an IV. And I cried, while I watched, "Please don't take him from me. Please God, don't take my angel."

After two hours of watching, I was finally allowed into the room. Meg came out to get me, "They're ready to start the transfusion, Dean." I nodded and walked into the room.

Cas was lying on the bed, hooked up to two machines, an IV, and a transfusion tube. I was ushered into the chair, next to the bed. I sat down as Meg came over to hook up the transfusion tube.

"This'll probably hurt, Dean." She inserted the needle and I scrunched my face in pain. Soon, the needle was out and it was just the tube in my vein. Meg stood and checked Cas' vitals, "He's stable, Dr. Roman."

"Good," Dr. Roman looked at a chart, "I want him under constant supervision until he wakes up." Meg nodded, "Yes, Doctor."

"I need to go call his next of kin and inform them of the situation. Make sure his vitals stay stable." Meg nodded and Dr. Roman left the room.

"Is he gonna be okay, Meg?" I whispered. Meg looked at me sympathetically, "Yeah, if we can get him enough blood, he'll be alright." I looked over at Cas, lying on the bed, pale as a ghost.

"Dean, if you start to feel lightheaded at all, I need to know. If we take too much blood from you, then we'll have another mess on our hands. Understand?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I understand." Meg sighed, "Good, I need to go check in on some other patients, then I'll be back. If anything happens, hit the red nurse button on the remote, and someone will come to help."

With that, she left the room. I scooted the chair closer to the bed and grabbed Cas' hand, lacing our fingers together. Is was eerily quiet in the room, just the sound of the beeping machines and our breathing.

I don't know how long we were left alone before Meg came back. She didn't comment on me holding Cas' hand. She just checked his vitals and removed the tube from my arm. Saying, "We've given him enough blood for his body to start reproducing his own. He's gonna make it, Dean."

I nodded, tears silently made their way down my cheeks.

She squeezed my shoulder then left the room again. I leaned forward and whispered in Cas' ear, "Did you hear that, angel? You're gonna make it. You're gonna be alright." I kissed him on the cheek and finally let my sobs consume me.

There was a knock on the door, "Dean? Cas? Oh, Dean." I looked up and saw Charlie, Jo, Sam, Garth, Ash, and Chuck standing there. Charlie immediately walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, "It's gonna be okay, Dean," she whispered, and I could tell she was crying too.

"How's he doin’?" Jo asked walking up to the end of the bed. I sniffled and gently pushed Charlie off, "The nurse said he's doing alright. He's stable and he's got enough blood. She says he'll make it."

"How are you doing, Dean?" Chuck asked, "I mean, this can't be easy for you." I shrugged, "I'm as good as I can be in this situation, Chuck." Chuck nodded sadly, "I know what you mean."

"Do you need anything, Dean?" Garth asked, "Water? Coffee? A hug?" That made me chuckle a little, "Nah, man, I'm good. Hey, how'd your surgery go? You never did tell me." Garth smiled, "I'm cancer free. I have to be rechecked every month, but so far so good." I smiled, "That's great, Garth."

"Hey, man. Are you sure you're alright?" Ash walked up to me and frowned, "You're looking a little peaked." Jo smacked him, "Of course he is, Ash! His boyfriend just tried to commit suicide!"

"You don't have to be so mean about it, Jo." Ash frowned rubbing his arm. I could feel a headache coming on, "Guys, I really appreciate this but, would you mind leaving us alone now? Please?"

"Right. Of course, Dean. Just let us know if you need anything." Charlie gave me another hug, "We're here for you, Dean."

"Thanks, Charles," I whispered and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Charlie smiled, then ushered everyone else out of the room. Everyone, but Sam. Sam walked to the other side of the bed, "How are you really doing, Dean?"

"Honestly? I feel like shit, Sammy. I’ve never been so worried about anything in my life. I almost lost him, Sam. Two more minutes and he would've been gone. All because I wasn't there for him."

"Dean, this isn't your fault." I scoffed, "How is it not my fault, Sammy? I should've refused to let him go to school. I should've taken him to see a fucking doctor instead of letting him go back to the place where he almost got raped. Two times last night, Sammy. Two times, he woke up screaming and crying from his nightmares but he insisted he was fine." I stood up and kicked my chair, "I shouldn't have listened to him."

"No, you shouldn't have." I turned to face Sam, shocked that he was feeding my self-loathing. Sam sighed and continued, "You shouldn't have listened to him, Dean, but you did. You can't change it, it’s already happened. There's no use beating yourself up about it. That's not gonna help Cas recover. Negativity isn't what he needs right now. Right now, what he needs is for you to tell him how much he means to you."

"He's unconscious, Sam. He can't hear me." I flopped back into my chair.

"Yeah, he is unconscious. That doesn't mean he can't hear you, Dean. The subconscious mind picks up on more than you would think." Sam sighed, "Just, quit blaming yourself for everything for once and stop hiding behind your wall. Cas needs to know how you feel right now. And blaming yourself isn't gonna help him wake up." Sam walked to the door, "Sometimes, Dean, the people we care about want to hear what you do right. Not everything that you do wrong." And with that, he left the room.

I ran my hands through my hair and looked at Cas. It couldn't hurt to try, right? I sighed and scooted my chair back over to his bedside. I didn't know what to say, so I took a deep breath and just started talking.

"You really scared me, Cas. I thought for sure I was gonna lose you. Sam says it wasn't my fault and I know that's what you would say too, but somebody has to take the blame, right? I mean, I let you go to school instead of seeing a doctor. So this is my fault. I'm sorry, Cas. I should've been there for you. Man, I suck as a boyfriend. Always somewhere else when you need me most. And you wanna know what the worst part is? The worst part is, that I can't stop loving you. I mean, if I could, that would be great, because then I wouldn't feel all this pain."

I took a deep breath and went on, "I'm scared, Cas. I'm scared of what I feel. I'm scared of being so dependent on another person. I can't live without you, Cas and that scares me. You almost died today and I knew that if you had, I would have nothing left to live for. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I know you think you're broken, Cas, but you're not. You're just lost and hurt. And I can help you, if you'll give me the chance to. I've never felt like this about anyone before. But I'm starting to understand why falling in love is such a popular thing for books and movies. Because, honestly, falling in love with you, Cas, that was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you Castiel, and I will not leave. You're stuck with me, so ya better get used to it."

Cas stirred a little in his sleep, but he didn't wake up. That was good enough for me. I leaned over the bed and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, "I love you, angel."

"What the hell is going on?" I quickly stood up and saw Pastor Novak standing in the doorway. He angrily strode into the room, "What were you doing to my son?" I stood my ground and looked him in the eye, "I was kissing him, sir."

"You were what?" I could see the vein in his forehead start to bulge. I didn't falter, "I was kissing him. After all, he is my boyfriend." It was about time I told Cas' dad how I felt about him.

"You. You turned my son into a fag!"

"No, sir, I didn't. Your son had already chosen to be that way before I ever met him. I was just lucky enough to be in his heart." Pastor Novak stepped into my personal space, "I will not allow this- this abomination to continue! As long as Castiel lives in my house you will not be allowed to be near him!"

"You can't stop me! Cas is eighteen, he's a legal adult and he can make his own decisions!" Pastor Novak was red faced with rage, "As long as he lives in my house, he will follow my rules!"

"He doesn't live in your house anymore, James." Pastor Novak and I both turned to look at the speaker. It was Gabriel, "He moved in with me yesterday. I went and got his stuff today, while you were gone. It's in his best interest not to see you."

"You can't do this, Gabriel Alexander Novak. I will not allow you and this boy to corrupt my son!" Gabriel scoffed, "Corrupt him? We're saving him! You've been nothing but poison to him ever since mom died! You blamed him for an accident! One that nothing could prevent! It's your fault he ended up on this hospital bed, James! And I think it's about time that you stopped ruining his life."

"You have no right, Gabriel. No right." Pastor Novak got in Gabriel's face, "You will not take my son from me." Gabriel's scowled at his father, "Get. Out. Now."

Pastor Novak glared at us one last time and made for the door, "Tell that fag that he is no longer welcome in my home and will no longer be my son." And with that he left.

Gabe turned to me, "Is he okay?" I nodded, "The doctor says he's going to be fine." Gabe sighed and you could visibly see him relax, "When will he wake up?" I shrugged, "That, I don't know. Nobody really said." Gabe nodded and sat in the chair on the other side of the bed.

"I'm glad you were there, Dean. If you hadn't been there… He wouldn't be here."

"So am I." I sat back down in my chair and held Cas' hand.

"You know, I'm glad it was you. Of all the losers in the world that Cas could've gone for, he went for you. I'm glad. It's nice to know that he's got somebody who'll love him like I never can."

"What do you mean?" Gabe leaned forward, "I mean, I'll always love Cas. He's my baby brother. But I'll never be able to love him the way you do. What you and him have, it's a profound bond, Dean. Its what some people would call soul mates. You're just meant to be together. You were made for each other. And I'm glad it was you and not some other low-life."

"Thanks, Gabriel," I smiled, "That means a lot coming from you." Gabriel chuckled, "I just want my baby brother to be taken care of. Promise me you'll take care of him Dean."

"I swear. I will take care of him. I love him, more than anything." Gabe nodded, "That's all a big brother wants for his little brother." Gabe stood and walked to the door, "Hey, I'm gonna go grab a candy bar out of one of those vending machines. Want anything?"

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks though." Gabe shrugged, "Your loss. I'll be right back." He left the room and shut the door behind himself.

Everything was quiet again, only the beeping machines and our breathing. I squeezed Cas' hand and started to rub small circles on it with my thumb. Before too long, I felt myself starting to drift off to sleep.

My eyes were getting heavy and the stress of the day had finally caught up to me. Forcing my eyes to stay open I leaned over the bed and gave Cas a kiss, "I love you, Cas. Don't wake up without me, alright?"

Cas stirred, his body twitching slightly. I stood up next to his bed, "Cas? Angel, can you hear me?" Slowly, Cas' eyes opened. My breath caught in my throat, "Cas?" He looked up at me and smiled, "Hello, Dean. Looks like you're stuck with me."

I gripped Cas' face in my hands and kissed him, hoping that all of my feelings would be conveyed through that kiss. Cas kissed me back just as fiercely and I knew he understood. He pulled away first, resting our foreheads together, "I love you, Dean." He whispered with tears running down his cheeks.

"I love you too, Cas." I replied through my own tears, "Don't you ever leave me, you hear me? Don't ever leave." Cas smiled, " Я никуда не поеду."

"Don't know what that fucking means, but I'll take it." Cas laughed and it was the most beautiful sound i’d ever heard, "It means I'm not going anywhere. I promise, Dean."

"God I love you." Cas beamed, "I love you too." I kissed him again, knowing in my heart that he was going to be okay. We were going to get through this. Cas was going to live and he loved me.

And that's all that mattered.


	31. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We apologize for the delay but hope you enjoy this chapter. Hopefully it was worth the wait.

I was at school. It was a bright sunny day. The birds were singing, the wind was blowing, everything was peaceful. 

"Hey Novak!" Until it wasn't. I igrnored the person who had yelled at me and kept walking. I was angry, but I couldn't remember why.

"Hey freak, I'm talking to you!" I felt a hand grip my shoulder and I was roughly turned to face the owner. It was Metatron, "Where's the fire Castiel?" 

"There is no fire. Now let me go," I jerked my arm out of his grip. Metatron scowled and shoved me to the ground, "You're a little bitch you know that?" Before I could react he was on top of me pinning my arms down, "And do you know what happens to little bitches?" 

"Please get off me," I squirmed trying to get free but it was no use. Metatron roughly flipped me over and pulled my pants down, "They get used." I screamed for help but nobody came. I thrashed around as he breached my entrance with one of his fingers. I sobbed and screamed and fought. Finally I hit my head against the ground, hard enough so I blacked out. 

When I opened my eyes again I was lying near the wreckage of a car. The engine was on fire and I could hear a woman screaming. I stood up to run to help but couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot. 

"Castiel," A voice wailed.

"Mama?" I whispered into the darkness. The woman screamed, "Castiel you did it, you did it to me!" Suddenly my mother was standing in front of me, her face had bits of glass sticking out of it and was dripping blood. Her body was bent and broken from the accident.

"Mama," I started crying and tried to look away. She grabbed my face and forced me to look at her, "Look what you've done Castiel. Look what you've done. It's time for you to atone for your sins."

"No mother," I sobbed, "please forgive me mother, I did not mean to. "

"Castiel no, you did this wrong and must atone for it," She turned my face to the right and I could see Dean standing there. My mother walked over to Dean and stabbed him in the chest.

"No mother, why!" I screamed and sobbed. My mother turned towards me and whispered, "A life for a life. Your sins have been atoned." I fell to the ground sobbing, I looked down at my hands and saw that there was blood on them. So much blood. Then I realized the blood was coming from me. I screamed into the clear night air, "Somebody help me!" 

"Cas! Cas open your eyes! Cas!" I opened my eyes and shot up in bed. My head hurt, my wrist hurt, and this wasn't my bed. Then I remembered where I was, and why I was here.

"Dean?" I looked around and saw him standing next to me. He reached out and placed his hand on my cheek, "Hey angel, are you OK?" I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself, "I had a nightmare."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dean sat down on the hospital bed. I nodded and he wrapped his arms around me. I hugged Dean tightly and sobbed into his chest, "It was horrible. I was being raped, and then I was at the accident and my mother killed you, and there was blood, so much blood." 

"Shh, its OK Cas," Dean ran his fingers through my hair, "I'm right here Cas, I'm not dead, you're not dead, there's nothing to be afraid of." I clung tighter to Dean and he kissed the top of my head, "I won't let anything bad happen to you Cas. I promise." 

"Dean, will you lay with me?" 

"Of course angel, whatever you want." I laid back down on the small hospital bed with Dean lying beside me. I scooted as close to him as I could and laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.

"Thank you Dean." I closed my eyes and listened to his heart beat, "Thank you, for everything." 

"Anything for you Cas. We're family and I need you." Dean started humming "Hey Jude" and I quickly fell asleep listening to him hum. 

When I woke up again it was to an unfamiliar voice, "Castiel I need you to wake up so I can take your temperature." I slowly opened my eyes, trying to focus on the person speaking to me.

"That's it Castiel. Sit up for me." I rubbed my eyes and reached out for Dean. But my hand only grabbed the sheets. I quickly sat up, making myself a little dizzy, and frantically looked for Dean.

"Calm down Castiel," The nurse said.

"Where's Dean? Where is he?" 

"Breathe Castiel," the nurse soothed, "Dean just had to go use the restroom. He'll be back shortly. Now, I need you to calm down so that I can get your vitals." 

"OK," I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. The nurse wrapped a cuff around my arm, "Just relax, I'm gonna take your blood pressure, and your temperature." I nodded and the nurse set to work.

"What's your name?" I asked. She wrote some stuff down and took the cuff off, "Layla." 

"Where's Meg?" 

"Its not her shift right now. She works third shift so she should be here in about two hours? I think." 

"Oh," I looked at my bandaged wrists, "I think I'd feel better if she was here." Layla gently placed her hand on top of mine, "Hey, you don't have to be ashamed of this. We all have our demons, Castiel, you don't need to hide anymore." 

"Thank you," I whispered. She squeezed my hand and walked towards the door, "You can go back in now," She said as she left. I watched her leave and then Dean came in. I smiled when I saw him and he smiled back, "Hey angel, how you feeling?" 

"Tired, and my arm really hurts," I scooted over as Dean sat down. He looked at my hand and asked, "Can I touch you?" I reached out and held his hand, "You don't have to ask Dean."

"I don't want to induce another attack Cas. So I'll ask until you feel better." Dean kissed my forehead, then snuggled in close to me. I yawned and nuzzled my face into his chest, "I love you Dean." 

"I love you too Cas." Dean rested his cheek against my hair. I yawned again, "I'm gonna sleep now." 

"Goodnight Cas."

"Goodnight Dean." 

I don't know for sure how long I slept till I was woken up again. I could feel the arm cuff tightening again to take my blood pressure. I yawned and rubbed my eyes.

"Good morning Clarence." 

"Meg!" I smiled when I saw my nurse/friend. She smiled back at me, "How you feeling?"

"Better, the pain medication is helping but it also makes me very tired." 

"That's normal," Meg replied taking the arm cuff off, "Dr. Roman wants to move you to the psychiatric wing for the next week or so. To keep you under observation." 

"What?" I looked around the room, "Where's Dean?" 

"Mr. Winchester is waiting outside like I asked him to." Dr. Roman walked in the room wearing a fake smile, "Good evening Castiel. I suppose our dear nurse Megan has already told you my plans yes?" 

"Yes sir." 

"Good!" Dr. Roman took Meg's papers from her, "Everything seems to be in order here. Everything looks fine. I want to make the transition tonight. Start him out at a week and if he does good he can be released when the week is over." Meg nodded, "Of course, I'll make sure everything is ready." 

"Wait, you're moving me tonight?" I could feel my chest tighten, "but I have school, I have to go to school. My father, my father has to sign his permission. He wouldn't want me to miss school." Dr. Roman chuckled humorlessly, "Castiel, you're a legal adult. Your father doesn't have to sign anything. So even if you disagree with my decision it doesn't matter. I am the doctor, you are the patient, and I have to do what's best for your health. In this case its putting you in the psychiatric wing until you are mentally healthy." 

"Dr. Roman, can't we at least-"

"No Meg," Dick interrupted, "My decision is final. The room is ready, I want him transferred immediately. Give him an anesthetic if you have to, but I want him in his new room in an hour. No visitors until the week is up." 

"Yes doctor." Meg walked over to the monitor and started unhooking things. Dick turned and left the room.

"Can I at least see Dean again? Please Meg?" I could feel tears prickling my eyes. Meg sighed and unhooked the last machine, "Make it quick Clarence." I nodded and got out of the bed. I walked over to the door and opened it a crack.

"Dean?" 

"Cas? Why are you out of bed?" Dean came back in the room and as soon as the door shut I wrapped my arms around him. I held him tightly and started to cry.

"Cas, what's wrong angel?" Dean hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead. I took a deep calming breath, "Dean, they are transferring me to the psychiatric ward for the next week or so. To keep me under observation, make sure that I don't hurt myself again." 

"Well that doesn't sound so bad babe." Dean wiped the tears off my cheeks, "What are you so upset about?" 

"I'm not allowed to have any visitors. Dr. Roman said so." Dean frowned, "Why can't you have visitors?" I shrugged, "He didn't say. Probably just because he's evil." 

"Cas-"

"Time's up Clarence." Meg put her hand on my shoulder, "I have to escort you to your new room." I nodded and kissed Dean one last time, "I love you." Dean kissed my nose, "I love you more. I'll see you in a week OK?"

"OK," I looked at Meg and together we walked out of the room. Meg sighed, "You'll be just fine Clarence. You'll be out in a week no problem."

"Yeah, will you be my nurse Meg?" 

"No, I don't work that wing of the hospital. But I personally know who your nurse will be and she will do an excellent job taking care of you." I nodded and we walked the rest of the way in silence.

When we got to the psychiatric ward we were greeted by a nurse with dark brown hair, honey brown eyes, and a pleasant face. She smiled, "Hello my name is Erin, I'll be your personal nurse for the next week. What's your name?" 

"Castiel," I half smiled back at the happy nurse. She looked at Meg, "Thanks Meg, I can take it from here." 

"You betcha Erin." Meg punched my shoulder and sternly whispered, "I better not see you here again Castiel." I nodded, "You won't, I promise." She nodded at me then waved at Erin and left.

Erin placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and led me into the psych ward. "Alright Castiel, here's a quick rundown on your stay here. In the morning we all wake up at 7:00 and have breakfast in the cafeteria. After breakfast we have a group therapy session with the head counselor Rowena. After group there's craft time, we all sit down and do a fun craft. After crafting we have lunch. After lunch everyone has their own personal session with Rowena. While each individual is in their private session everyone else has free time. After everyone has had a private session we have dinner. After dinner we have a movie time where we all watch a movie and then we go to bed. The schedule is the same every day except on Saturday when we have visitation. Although since you're only going to be here for a week Dr. Roman doesn't want anyone to be able to visit, he feels it would be counterproductive to your recovery. Any questions?" 

"No I don't think so." 

"Good," Erin smiled as we stopped in front of a door, "Now since everyone else has already had their private session with Rowena today you'll have yours now. It'll just be the basic meet and greet kind of session and shouldn't take more than a half an hour or so. OK? If you need anything don't be afraid to ask, we're here to help you Castiel." 

"Thank you Erin," I smiled at her, "Meg was right, you are a good person." Erin winked, "You betcha kid. Now go in there and talk to Rowena." Erin opened the door and ushered me inside, closing the door behind me. I looked around the room and saw a woman with beautiful red hair sitting behind a big oak desk. She looked up from a book she was reading, "Oh, and who are you lad?" She had a very prominent Irish accent, I noticed.

"Hello, My name is Castiel." 

"Castiel, welcome my name is Rowena and I will be your counselor this week. Have a seat won't you?" She gestured to the chair in front of her desk. I sat down and she folded her hands on her desk, "Well you are a handsome young man aren't you? Dr. Roman has already sent me your file. I see that this isn't the first time you've been to our facility with suspicious looking cuts is it?" 

"No ma'am, it isn't." I looked at my hands and heard papers shuffling. Rowena cleared her throat and continued, "Well, last time you weren't here because of that. It says here that you had been beat up by a bully at school. Would you like to elaborate on that tale?" 

"No." 

"Alright then, this time you were brought in by the ambulance, says here you actually died for a few minutes there. How dreadful, why did you do this Castiel?" 

"I would rather not talk about it." I bit my lip and stared at the floor. Rowena sighed, "Look at me, Castiel." I looked up and she was leaning towards me in her chair, "Tell me what happened that made you decide to kill yourself." I shook my head tears prickling my eyes. 

"Either you talk, or I'll tell Dr. Roman how uncooperative you're being and he'll extend your stay here. Your choice dearie."

"I-i can't."

"Poor dear, you'll need more help than I can give you in a week. I'll let Dr. Roman know we need to extend your stay. Two months should be enough time I think."

"I was raped OK? Are you happy now?!?" I could feel tears on my face but I didn't care, "Two days ago the biggest douche in the world tried to rape me. He was almost successful too. He had his-his," my voice broke and more tears spilled from my eyes but I pressed on, "He had his finger in me. His filthy disgusting finger. And he almost had his-his thing in me, but Dean saved me. Dean came and saved me but I can't, I can't get it out of my head." I took a deep breath trying to keep my tears from turning into sobs, "I can't stop seeing it happen every time I close my eyes. I see and feel everything over and over again and I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't stop the voice this time."

"Whose voice Castiel?"

"The voice, in my head."

"Who does the voice sound like Castiel?"

"Me, my father, Gabriel, my mother, sometimes it even sounds like Dean." I wiped the tears from my face trying to regain my composure. Rowena tapped her pen on her desk, "When did this voice start talking to you Castiel?" 

"After my mother died." I looked up at Rowena. She wrote something down then asked, "Is this voice the one who told you to harm yourself?" I nodded and she asked, "When did it tell you to harm yourself Castiel?" 

"After my mother died." 

"Why?"

"Because it was my fault. It was my fault she died. If I would have tried harder to get her to stop driving and rest that semi never would've hit us and none of this ever would've happened. Because I failed my father hates me, I'm nothing but a huge mistake." 

"Castiel," Rowena set her pen down and looked me in the eyes, "In this life there are things that happen that are out of our control. We don't know why they happen and we certainly can't change them but, we can learn from them. Sometimes in order to find happiness you have to suffer. Suffering brings about the ability to be strong in spite of all you've been through." Rowena pushed a box of tissues towards me.

"I want to tell you my story. When I was a young lass back in the motherland I fell in love with a married man. He told me he loved me and we consummated our love. I got pregnant and when I told him he left me. I had the baby but I gave him away. To this day I know not what happened to my wee boy, only that I spend every waking moment hating myself for leaving him behind."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because we all have done things we regret but cannot change. Castiel your mother dying was not your fault. Your father should never have convinced you that it was. We cannot control everything in life. Here's what I know: your mother loved you, and even though she is gone she wouldn't want you doing this to yourself. So from now on every time you get the urge to harm yourself, think about her, would she approve of this? I'm also going to have you start on a medicine to make that nasty voice go away." 

"What happens now?" 

"Now I say, you've done well today. Very well. I'm gonna have them start you on that medicine immediately and you are free to go. I'll see you tomorrow for group." She smiled at me and I stood to leave.

"Oh and Castiel." I turned around and Rowena smiled softly at me, "Remember there is always a reason to live, even if in the moment you can't see one, there is always a reason. You're doing well, you'll be done in a week no problem." 

"Thank you Rowena," I turned and left the room. Erin my nurse was standing in the hallway waiting for me. She smiled sweetly, "How did your first session go?" I sighed, "It went really well. I think this is really gonna help me Erin." 

"Good, I'm glad to hear that." Erin grabbed my shoulder, "You can overcome this Castiel, I did." She smiled one more time then gestured for us to walk down the hallway, "Its dinner time. And then we're watching titanic." 

"Sounds fun, I can't wait." And for the first time in a long time, I felt, hope.


	32. Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a smut scene towards the end of this chapter. You have been warned. (Also its not very good so apologies for that as well) enjoy!

They say that a watched pot won't boil. Well apparently the same thing goes for a clock. A watched clock won't move faster. I found that out this past week. The longest week of my life. 

Cas had been hospitalized on Friday, and he'd only been allowed one supervised phone call the entire week he was in the psych ward. He called me and told me that he would definitely be discharged on Saturday morning, that things were going well, he had made some new friends one of them being his nurse, he was now taking medication for his depression and PTSD, but the main thing we talked about was prom.

"I'm not gonna be able to go to prom Dean." 

"Why not?" 

"Prom is on Friday night, I won't be discharged till Saturday morning. I'm gonna miss my senior prom."

"Babe, I didn't even know you wanted to go to prom." 

"Of course I want to go to prom, you only have one senior prom Dean." 

"Well, can't they let you go a day early? So you won't miss prom?"

"It doesn't work that way Dean. I'm gonna miss prom." 

"I'll make it up to you angel, I promise." 

"OK Dean, I've gotta go my time is up. You're still coming to get me right?"

"Of course angel, I'll be there waiting for you. I miss you Cas."

"I miss you too Dean. They're threatening to take the phone away. I'll see you Saturday, I love you."

"I love you Cas!"

Our phone conversation happened on Wednesday and I suffered through the rest of the week, anxious for Saturday morning. I didn't go to prom Friday night, it didn't feel right without Cas by my side. Charlie, Jo, Garth, Ash, and Chuck all understood and just went without me. 

I spent that night laying on the guest bed at Gabe's apartment clutching Cas' pillow to my chest wishing it was him. Gabe offered me a beer but I declined, I just wanted to be alone. I spent the night in the guest room, on Gabe's insistence, he wanted to go with me in the morning to pick up Cas. 

Saturday morning I was up before the sun was out, having slept restlessly the whole night. Around nine in the morning Cas called to let us know he was being discharged and we would need to be there to get him around nine thirty.

Gabe and I were out the door in under a minute, and at the hospital in five (I might've sped the entire way there). We stopped at one stoplight the entire way there, and I took the opportunity to text Charlie.

'Operation Wings is a go Charles.' She texted me back right away. 'Righty-o Deano.' With a thumbs up and a winky face.

When we pulled up outside the hospital Cas was standing at the top of the steps with a brunette woman in scrubs, and a ginger woman in a nice dress. He waved when he saw us and said something to the brunette. 

I had never parked my car and been out of it so fast before in my life. By the time Gabe was getting out of baby I was already half way to the steps.

"Cas!" I ran up the stairs, wrapping my arms around Cas and pulling him as close to me as I could. I buried my face in his neck and just let myself feel him, "I missed you so much. So goddamn much Cas, you have no idea."

Cas returned the hug with as much fevor, "I missed you too Dean. So so much." I could feel tears on my cheeks but I didn't care. I finally had Cas back in my arms, where he belongs. Cas was crying too, I could feel his tears against my cheek. 

We stood there holding onto each other for what felt like forever, but also like it wasn't enough time. Eventually we pulled apart enough for me to kiss Cas hungrily. Cas reciprocated the kiss with just as much hunger as me. Gabe cleared his throat and we broke apart, "I know you missed each other, but I'd rather not see my baby brother getting his tonsils licked by his boyfriend. If you don't mind."

"Sorry Gabe," I smirked and kissed Cas' forehead, "Your baby brother is just irresistible." Gabe shuddered and made a gagging noise, "Yeah, no. Can I at least get a hug Cas? I've had to deal with your mopey boyfriend the whole week you've been gone." 

"Of course Gabriel." Cas walked over and hugged Gabe, "I missed you little bro." 

"I missed you too Gabe." They pulled apart and Cas looked at the two women still standing there, "Dean, Gabriel, this is my nurse and friend Erin. She took care of me while I was here." Erin, the brunette, reached out and shook our hands, "Its a pleasure to finally meet you. I've heard so much about both of you." 

"And this is Rowena, my counselor. She's helped me overcome my mental instabilities this past week. I couldn't have done it without her help." Rowena shook our hands, "It's a pleasure to meet you boys. Castiel has made some impressive progress this past week. He will still need to come in and see me at least once every week, and he needs to take his medication everyday. No exceptions." 

"Yes ma'am, I will personally see to it that he does what he's supposed to." I shook her hand again, "Thank you, for helping him through this." She smiled, "Think nothing of it dear. That's what I'm here for. Now I believe there is some catching up to be done amongst yourselves." 

"You got that right," Gabe saluted both women and ushered Cas towards baby, "It was nice meeting you both." Cas promised he would text Erin as he was pushed towards the parking lot.

I smiled at them both and turned to leave. A hand on my shoulder stopped me. I turned around and Erin looked at the ground, "Take good care of him alright?" I nodded, "I will." She smiled and went back into the hospital with Rowena. I quickly jogged across the parking lot and got in baby.

"So where do you want to celebrate your first day of freedom Cas?" Gabe asked from the backseat. Cas reached for my hand lacing our fingers together, "Anywhere, as long as I'm with Dean." I squeezed Cas' hand, "That sounds like it would be awesome Cas but, I have to go to work today. Ellen needs the extra help at the diner and I told her I would help. I hope that's OK?"

Cas frowned, "Yeah that's, that's fine Dean. I'll just spend the day with Gabriel." Gabe grinned, "That's right, we gotta get all your stuff set up in the guest room. Plus we have a few years worth of catching up to do. It'll be fun!" 

"Yeah fun." Cas sighed and looked out the window. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, "Sorry babe. We'll spend the whole night together though. I promise." 

"OK." We drove the rest of the way to Gabe's in silence. When we got there Cas and Gabe got out and walked into the apartment. Once they were out of sight I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I opened my contacts list and dialed Charlie's number.

"Hey Deanna, has the package been dropped of for safekeeping?"

"You bet, just dropped him off at Gabe's place. He doesn't suspect a thing. Is everything going to plan?" 

"Yeppers, we just need you to come down and add the finishing touches." 

"I'll be there in a few minutes. First I gotta take care of something." 

"Okeydoke may the force be with you."

"See you later Charles." I slipped my phone back into my pocket and continued driving, just listening to the radio. When I reached my destination I took a few deep breaths to collect myself. Once I was calm I got out of baby and walked into the church.

I looked around the foyer to see if he was in his office. He wasn't so I walked into the auditorium, and saw him at the pulpit.

"Mr. Winchester," Pastor Novak clenched his hands into fists, "I thought I made it explicitly clear that I never wanted to see you again." 

"Yeah, you did sir."

"Then why are you here? Hmm?" 

"I have something I would like to ask you sir." 

"What?"

"Well," I took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eye, "I love your son sir."

"I don't want to hear this!" Pastor Novak interrupted, "Get out of God's house if you wish to speak to me of that abomination." I clenched my fists, "No sir. I have something to say to you and I'm damn well gonna say it! And you're gonna shut up and listen to me. I don't give a damn what you think about me, love me, hate me, I don't care. But Cas, he's so much more than you ever gave him credit for. He's a straight A student, did you know that? Did you know that he's valedictorian of our year? Did you?" 

James looked shocked but before he could answer I went on, "He is so smart and kind and compassionate. He has so much heart and he cares for so many things. He's the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure to know, and you, you treated him like shit. Every goddamn day. And never once did he do anything about it, because he was a good obedient son."

"He was a worthless waste of space. An abomination to the lord. Man shall not lie with man after their own kind, for it is an abomination unto the lord!"

"You're a hypocrite! You stand there and preach about loving each other and treating your neighbor how you want to be treated and yet you treat your son like a piece of garbage. Your own flesh and blood! How can you be so heartless?"

"I don't expect you to understand. You're simply a naive child. You don't know the pain of the real world."

"Yeah maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what its like to lose the love of my life, but I came damn close to finding out. Cas almost died, he-" my voice broke and tears prickled my eyes but I pressed on, "He tried to kill himself. Because he felt so hated, he felt like he wouldn't be missed. Like if he were to die no one would care and life would go on like normal. But if I had lost him. I can't even imagine living my life without him by my side. If I had lost him, I would've lost my will to live. I love your son sir, with all my heart and soul. And I know you won't give me your blessing, but it would've been disrespectful of me not to ask your permission anyways."

There was a silence after that. James stared at me, his fists clenched, his face set with a permanent scowl. I stood my ground, ready to defend myself if need be. Finally James spoke, "You have an admirable amount of courage Mr. Winchester, coming here to ask me for my blessing, when you know I'll say no. But yet, here you stand, asking for my blessing. I cannot condone your relationship with my son in any way, shape, or form. However, if Castiel is happy than, I suppose I won't get in the way of his happiness." 

I looked at James confused, "Sir, did you just give me your blessing?" James stood stiffly his hands behind his back, "Make of it what you will, but get out of this church." I nodded, "Thank you sir." I turned and left the building, feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. 

I got in baby and started for my next destination, my house. It didn't take too long to get to my house from the church, and soon I was walking in the front door.

"Mom?" I called out, "Dad? Sammy? You guys home?" 

"Dean?" My mom stepped out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel, "How are you dear?" I walked into my mom's open arms, "I'm good mom, real good." 

"Good," she kissed my forehead, "How's Cas? Is he out of the hospital yet?" I smiled, "Yeah he got out this morning, which is why I'm here." Mom raised her brows, "Oh? What's up kiddo?" I took a deep breath, "I came here to ask for my family's blessing." 

"Oh Dean," Mom hugged me again, "Of course you have our blessing." 

"Where are dad and Sam anyways?" 

"Sam is on a date with Sarah Blake, and your Father is at Bobby's shop helping them out today. I am doing the dishes." Mom walked back into the kitchen and I followed her. She tossed the drying towel at me, "Wanna help me out kiddo?" I smiled, "Sure thing mom. I gotta waste some time anyways." 

"Does he suspect anything?" 

"Nope, not at all." 

"Good. When is it happening?"

"Tonight, Charlie, Jo, Garth, Ash, and Chuck are getting everything ready right now."

"Who's picking it up?" 

"Jo and Charlie are." 

"Good, I trust those two. Just don't expect everything to go perfect. Anything can happen."

"I know mom."

"Did you talk to Pastor Novak?"

"Yep. He gave me his blessing." 

"Really?" Mom almost dropped the plate she was washing, "That's, well its surprising but it's also fantastic news! I'm so happy for you honey. Does this mean you'll be living with Cas and Gabriel now?" I shrugged, "I'm not entirely sure what it means yet, but we'll know soon enough." 

"I'm so excited. I can't wait for tonight." 

"Me either." I spent the rest of the afternoon with mom, discussing what was going to happen after tonight. Around 7:00 I got a text from Charlie: 'Operation wings is up and running. Waiting on you fearless leader.' 

"Alright mom its time," I went upstairs and put on my best suit with a blue tie. When I came back down mom was standing at the bottom of the stairs, "You look so handsome Dean." She hugged me tightly, "I'm so proud of you. No matter what happens I'm proud of you Dean." 

"Thanks mom," I broke the hug and smiled, "Wish me luck." Mom smiled, "Good luck honey." I took a deep breath and walked out the door. I quickly got in baby and started towards my destination. 10 mins later I was parking by the playground where Cas and I had our first real kiss. 

"OK Dean, you can do this," I looked at myself in the review mirror and took a few deep breaths, "Everything will be fine. Nothing to worry about." I got out and walked up towards the swing set, where Charlie and Jo were standing.

"Hey, you made it!" Charlie pulled me into a fierce hug, "We were starting to worry that you'd get cold feet and not show up." 

"Well thank you for your vote of confidence." I gave Charlie a kiss on her forehead then hugged Jo, "Are they here yet?" 

"Not yet," Jo kissed my cheek, "Gabe said that they were running late. Apparently he had a hard time convincing Cas to put on his best suit. He said that Cas was being 'a stubborn ass' about it." I smiled fondly, "Yeah I can believe that. You guys did a good job though, it looks really nice." 

I surveyed the decorations around the park, fairy lights strung up on the playground equipment, a punch bowl and some snacks on one of the picnic tables, a stereo (from the roadhouse) set up by the swing set. Everything looked perfect. 

"Alright, y'all gotta leave before Cas gets here." I hugged Chuck, Garth, Ash, Jo, and Charlie, "I really appreciate this guys. Thank you." 

"No problem Dean," Garth grinned, "Just let us know how it all turns out." I gave Garth a thumbs up, "Will do." Everyone started to leave wishing me luck, then Charlie turned and ran back up to me.

"I almost forgot," She reached in her pocket and pulled out a small box, "You might need that." I smiled at her, "Thanks Charles." She winked, "No problem Deanna. See ya later!" 

I watched Charlie run to catch up with everyone else. I sighed and looked at the time, 8:00. Showtime. 

I went and stood behind the slide, waiting for Cas to show up. A couple minutes later I heard Gabe's car rumble nearby. I could faintly hear Cas arguing with Gabe, then the sound of a car door opening and shutting, and Gabe's car rumbled away.

"Dean?" I heard Cas call, "Hello?" My hands had started shaking from nerves. My palms were sweaty, I took another deep breath to calm down and stepped into Cas' line of sight.

"Hey Cas." 

"Dean, what's going on? What is all this?" Cas had that adorable confused look on his face. I walked up to Cas and gave him a gentle kiss. He melted into the kiss but pulled away first, "Dean, tell me what's going on?" 

"Well," I nervously rubbed the back of my neck, "Its for you Cas." He still looked confused so I decided to elaborate, "You were so upset about missing your senior prom so, I made you your own prom. I mean I know its not the real thing, but-" I was cut off by Cas' lips crashing against mine. Cas licked against my lips, so I opened my mouth. He licked inside, our tounges grappling in a battle neither one of us really cared to win. 

I pulled back, nipping Cas' lower lip. Cas chased my lips but I stopped him, "So, I'm gonna guess you like this then?" 

"I like this very much Dean. Thank you." 

"No problem Cas." I smiled then gestured to the stereo, "May I have this dance?" Cas grinned, "Of course you may." I held Cas' hand, leading him to the clearing by the stereo. I pulled the remote out of my pocket and pushed play. Then I turned back to Cas and we got in position for a slow dance, his right hand held in my left, his left hand on my right shoulder, and my right hand on his waist. 

We swayed slowly back and forth to the slow song, neither of us really paying attention to the lyrics. Eventually Cas wrapped both his arms around my neck, and rested his head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him close, slowly swaying together. 

We danced like that for a few songs before I decided it was now, or never. I stopped dancing, causing Cas to stop too. He looked up at me confused, "Is something wrong Dean?" I shook my head, "No nothing's wrong Cas. I just, I need to ask you something." 

"Of course. You can ask me anything Dean." 

"I know," I took a deep breath, "Castiel James Novak, at the beginning of this school year I didn't even really acknowledge that you exisited. I had never taken the time to notice you, even though we had some classes together. I was too busy being a hot shot band guy, getting all the hot chicks to sleep with me. Before I met you I knew that I was bisexual I was just too afraid to admit it to anyone, especially myself."

"But then one day I ran into you in the hallway. I remember feeling so bad for knocking you over. But then you looked up at me, and I was glad that I had." I Looked into Cas' eyes, "The minute those beautiful blue eyes made contact with mine, I was gone. I was smitten by the blue eyed angel that had somehow evaded my gaze all those years. I mean I knew of you, but I never knew you." 

"Dean, where is this going?" Cas had his head tilted slightly, like he does when he's confused. I couldn't help the small tremors of nerves as I got down on one knee. Cas gasped, "Dean, are you-"

"Castiel, I know we haven't been together that long. And I know that we've had our ups and downs so far. And I know that in a relationship things will never be absolutely perfect. But I also know that when I found you in that bathroom, half dead, reality slapped me in the face. And the fact of the matter is, I can't live without you Cas. You're the best thing that's ever happened in my life, and I can't imagine living another day without you by my side."

"So," I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small ring box, "Castiel James Novak, my love, my angel, my soulmate, would you do me the honor, of being allowed to wake up with you in my arms, every morning, for the rest of my life? Will you allow me the privilege of taking care of you, no matter what the circumstances? Will you allow me to love you, with all my being, everyday, until I die? Cas, will you marry me?" 

Tears were streaming down Cas' face. I slipped the plain silver band onto his ring finger, and waited. Cas fell to his knees in front of me. He threw his arms around my neck and kissed me passionately. I returned the kiss, with equal passion. 

"Of course I will," Cas said in between kisses, "Yes, I'll marry you. I'd marry you every day for the rest of my life if I had to." I laughed, "I don't think that'll be necessary Cas." He smiled, "No, I think once should be enough." I reached out and stroked Cas' cheek, "I love you, Castiel." 

"I love you too, Dean." I kissed Cas again, sweet and gently quickly turning into passionate and needy. 

"Dean," Cas gasped, "Dean, I want you to fuck me." I froze, "Are you sure Cas? I mean, you're still recovering from your attack. Will that trigger anything?" 

"Dean please," Cas kissed my nose, "I want this, I want you to have my virgnity. I trust you. Plus I convinced Gabriel to stay away from his apartment tonight so that we could." I chuckled, "You sneaky bastard, you had this planned didn't you?" Cas nodded smiling, "Yes. I planned to have you take my virginity as soon as I got out of the hospital." 

"Well then what are we waiting for? Let's get back to Gabe's place." Cas shut off the stereo and lights, while I texted Charlie to let them know he said yes and they needed to come clean up. As soon as my text was sent Cas and I were in baby, and on our way to Gabe's apartment. 

When we got there we went straight back to the guest bedroom. As soon as the door was shut Cas was kissing me. I kissed him back, our tongues dancing together. Slowly I walked Cas back towards the bed, our lips never separating. Once his knees hit the bed I gently pushed him down onto it. 

I looked down at Cas, "Are you sure you're ready for this Cas?"

"I'm ready Dean," Cas pulled me on top of him, "I'm ready." 

"OK, I'll take everything really slow since you're a virgin." He nodded and I kissed him. I slid my tongue in his mouth and started undoing his shirt buttons. 

"Let's get these clothes out of the way," I whispered then stood up. I started to undo my tie.

"Dean wait," Cas stood in front of me, "I want to undress you. That's what foreplay is right?" 

"Kinda, Cas." I stopped undressing and Cas stepped in close to me. He reached out and pulled my tie off. Then he pushed my suit jacket to the floor. He started to unbutton my shirt and I just stood there watching his nimble fingers work. 

He got the last button done and then my shirt was on the floor too. He started kissing my neck. 

"Cas," I moaned, "You're doing great." He continued kissing my neck and then his lips were on my chest.  
He reached down and undid my pants. His lips left my body long enough for me to step out of my pants and my boxers.  
I was completely naked in front of my hot as fuck boyfriend and I didn't feel weird at all. 

"My turn," I whispered lightly pushing Cas away from me. Cas nodded and I finished unbuttoning his shirt. I pushed his shirt and suit jacket to the floor. I leaned forward and kissed his lips. 

Slowly I started to kiss down his jaw, to his neck, then his chest. 

"Dean," he breathed, "My pants are really tight." I chuckled against his chest, "OK Cas." I reached down and undid his pants. I pulled down his pants and his boxers and he stepped out of them. Now we were both completely naked and Cas was nervous. He tried to cover his scars with his hands but I grabbed them. 

"Dean look at me. I'm all scarred and broken. Do you still want me?" 

"Cas I'll always want you. Scars and all." I brought his left arm up to my mouth and gently kissed the most recent cuts and the old scars. 

"Dean," Cas whispered. I looked at Cas as I kissed all the scars on his his arm and moved onto the scars on his chest and stomach. 

"Lay down Cas," I ordered and he did. I climbed on the bed, straddling Cas' hips. 

"Are you ready?" 

"Yes Dean." I leaned forward and kissed his lips, down his neck, over his scars.

"God you're so beautiful Cas. So so beautiful." My lips were near his arousal and I could see just how much he wanted this. 

"Dean," he whispered, "touch me." I reached up and stroked his erection. He gasped and his hips bucked. I chuckled and ran my tongue up his shaft. Cas moaned, loudly. Slowly I wrapped my mouth around his dick.

"Oh fuck Dean," Cas' hips bucked into my mouth and I chuckled a little bit. Cas' hand gripped my hair causing me to moan. 

I started bobbing my head up and down taking in a little more of Cas each time I did. 

"Fuck Dean! It feels so good!" 

I could tell that Cas was getting close so I stopped. He whimpered, "Dean, don't stop." 

"I don't want it to be over too soon for you Cas." He pouted and God was he adorable. "We're gonna need lube Cas." Cas sat up and pointed to a grocery bag on the floor, "Its in that sack." I climbed off the bed and grabbed the lube out of the sack. I smirked, "You were really serious about this weren't you?" 

"Just get back over here." I chuckled as I climbed back on the bed, "I'm going to prep you now, Cas." I rubbed the lube around his entrance. Cas gasped, "Dean that's really cold." 

"I know I know sorry." Slowly I slipped a finger in. Cas hissed and I froze, "Are you OK Cas? Do you want to stop?" He shook his head, "No no it just stings a little." 

"Are you sure? Its not bringing back bad memories is it?" 

"No, Dean. I'm fine, keep going." I nodded and started pumping my finger into him. Cas was moaning and writhing under me. I added another finger and he moaned louder. I was getting impatient and I was so hard it was starting to hurt.

I added a third finger and Cas screamed, "Dean! I need you! I want you inside me! Please!" I pulled my fingers out and put lube on my dick. I positioned myself at his entrance.

"Cas, are you doing OK? Do we need to stop?" I looked into his lust blown eyes. 

"Do it." I took a deep breath and slowly pushed in. Cas' face twisted in pain. "Cas are you OK? I can stop."

"No don't stop please don't stop." He had tears rolling down his cheeks but I pushed until I was all the way in.  
Cas was in obvious pain and it hurt me to see him like that. I waited for him to adjust to the feeling.

"You can move now Dean." I wiped a tear from his cheek, "Are you sure?" He nodded biting his lip. I started moving in and out of Cas, slowly.

"Dean," Cas moaned, "Go faster." I started going faster, careful to watch Cas and make sure that he wasn't in any pain. Cas moaned and bucked his hips up to meet my thrusts, "Oh Dean. Don't stop, don't stop." I adjusted the angle of my thrusts and found Cas' prostate.

"Oh fuck! Dean right there, right there. Harder, harder, oh fuck!"

"Oh fuck Cas you're so tight. Damn it. You feel so good."  
Cas was moaning beneath me and it was driving me crazy. "Dean I'm, I'm so close." I pounded into him harder, faster, "Castiel, I love you." I kissed Cas, mapping out his mouth with my tounge, swallowing his moans.  
.  
Cas wrapped his fingers in my hair, tugging on the short strands. His hips kept moving faster against mine, "Dean, oh fuck!" Cas' eyes shot open, my name on his lips as he came against my stomach and his. I moaned at the sight, "Oh my god Cas, you're so fucking beautiful like this." I could feel my orgasm building to a climax but I wanted to make it last as long as I could.

"Fuck Cas I'm not gonna last much longer." 

"Its OK Dean," Cas panted, "you don't have to put on a show for me." He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. 

"I love you," he breathed onto my lips, and kissed me tenderly. 

That was all it took to push me over the edge. I rode my climax to the end, screaming Cas' name. My arms felt weak and I flopped on the bed next to Cas, and I laid on my back, "Come here," I pulled Cas to me and wrapped my arms around him tight. He laid his head on my chest and I sighed, "Was that OK? I didn't hurt you did I?" 

"No you didn't. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Thank you." Cas yawned and kissed my chest, over my heart, "I love you Dean." I pulled Cas' lips up to mine, kissing him softly, "I love you, Cas." Cas laid back on my chest. I started humming, while I ran my fingers through Cas' hair until we both were asleep.


	33. Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies all for the delay in posting. Good news is we're almost to then end! It's been a long journey and I thank everyone who has stuck with this work long enough to get this far.   
> Thanks all. Brown_eyed_fallen_angel

I wasn't sure what time it was when I woke up. I could see the sun was out which meant it was at least past 6 am. I stretched and instantly had pain around my butt.

“Oh fuck,” I looked over when I felt the bed move.

“Baby? You ok?” Dean rolled over and pulled me into his embrace. I nodded, “I'm just a little sore, that's all.” Dean kissed my temple, “I'm there anything I can do for you?” I shook my head, “Just keep doing what you're doing.” 

I could feel Dean smile, “If that's what you need.” Dean kissed me sweetly. One thing lead to another and soon he was on top of me, two fingers stretching me open.

“Dean,” I moaned, “I want you.” 

“I know Cas. I'm here I got you.” Dean twisted his fingers just right, rubbing against my prostate. 

“Oh fuck! Dean! I'm ready. I'm ready.” Dean removed his fingers and quickly replaced them with his cock.

“You doing alright Cas?” I nodded, “Make love to me.”

Dean started slowly, kissing every inch of me that his lips could reach. I reciprocated as best I could, giving as much as I was taking. Too soon I felt like the pleasure inside of me would burst. 

“Dean, I'm close.” 

“Me too Cas.” Dean leaned foward and kissed me as we rode out our climax together. Dean rubbed his thumbs against my cheeks, “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” I smiled looking into his eyes. 

“Hey guys I- Woah!” Gabriel covered his eyes with his hands, “Oh that's burned in.”

“Damm it Gabriel!” Dean quickly pulled the blankets over us. I blushed at being discovered in this state by my brother.

“Seriously in my guest bed? I'll never be able to get those stains out.” 

“Technically it's Cas’ bed-”

“Yeah no, still could've lived the rest of my life without seeing my brother and his boyfriend doing the sideways tango.” Gabriel crinkled his nose in disgust.

“Knock next time.” Dean grinned at me, “Think you're up for round two?” 

“Oh that's disgusting! Breakfast is on the table.” Gabriel quickly fled to the living room. Dean laughed and flopped on his side of the bed, “Man I could get used to this.”

“Get used to what Dean?” I rolled to face him, laying my left hand on his chest. My silver engagement ring shone in the sunlight. Dean placed his hand on top of mine, “This. Waking up next to you in the morning. Holding you in my arms when we fall asleep. Making love to you. Scarring your brother with our p.d.a.”

“Dean,” I smiled, “We can only slightly scar Gabriel. He still has to pay the bills.” Dean laughed, “You're a dork.” 

“But you love me.” 

“Yeah, I really do.”

-.-.-.-.-

Graduation day came all too fast. I was surprised to learn that despite the amount of school I missed, I would still be valedictorian. I spent weeks working on a speech, made harder with Dean and his wandering hands.

Dean stayed with me every night since I got home from the hospital. He would hold me at night and sing to me. Sometimes we would make love before bed, sometimes we would make love in the morning before school. But either way he always told me how much he loved me.

“And now we'll hear a few words from this year's valedictorian, Castiel Novak.” 

I walked up to the mic on shaking legs. Everyone that I had gone to school with was sitting out there, staring at me. I looked around trying to find Dean, which I knew would be hard since he was towards the back. I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

“Welcome students, parents, faculty. My name is Castiel Novak. A lot of you wouldn't know me from the satin on the bathroom wall. But some of you do. At the beginning of this year, I didn't have any friends, I was bullied relentlessly, and the only thing I had to look forward to was the end of the school year. But that all changed, when I met Dean Winchester. He taught me what it was to be cared for, and he introduced me to a new group of friends. The everyday struggles of life are made much easier with a friend at your side. 

I say this to say, don't lose hope. When the world seems darkest, it's a challenge to step up and rise above your demons. Our next step in life is college. While it may seem intimidating, and above our abilities we can accomplish anything with the help of our friends. I thank everyone who made an impact on my life, and congratulations class of 2014!” 

There was applause but nothing grand. The ceremony continued with everyone getting their diplomas and soon it was over. 

“Cas!” Dean wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. “Your speech was great. I don't remember you writing all that stuff though.”

“About that, I actually left my speech card at home and I just winged it.” I blushed, “Someone was awfully distracting this morning.” Dean shrugged, “I can't help it if you're irresistible,l. It's hard to keep my hands off you.” 

“You cheese.”

“You love me.”

“Yeah,” I smiled, “I really do.” Dean rejoined our lips for another kiss. 

“Excuse me.” We broke apart and I looked for the person who had spoken. Dean tapped me on the shoulder, and pointed behind me. Slowly I turned around. I knew that voice sounded familiar, “Father?” 

“Hello Castiel.” There he was, standing behind me. He looked the same as always, maybe a little more worn. 

“What are you doing here?” I could feel Dean step into my personal space, intimidating. My father slightly smiled, “I just wanted to congratulate you. Both of you, on your engagement and your graduation.”

“I don't understand-”

“Castiel. I have done many wrongs in my life, but the biggest was when I let you and your brother leave. You two boys are the only family I have left. Now I may not like your brother's profession or his choice in women. And I may not like your choice in, a significant other. But I need you two boys, and I'm sorry for the way I acted. I know you may not forgive me, and I know that you're confused. The truth is, after you left I had a dream about the family we were, before the accident. Realization hit me, your mother would have loved and supported you boys no matter what. And what did I do? Well I'm sure we're all aware of the disposable things I've done. I don't expect you to forgive me, or let me be your father again. But I hope that one day you will.” 

My father was apologizing. My father was crying.

“Cas?” Dean placed his hand on my shoulder, “You don't have to accept this.”

“I know,” I whispered and before I could change my mind I hugged my father, “I forgive you.” I could feel him stiffen at first but then he returned the hug and we stood there hugging and crying. 

Afterwards my father and Gabriel had forgiven each other and we had all attended a meal at the winchester household. My father got along well with Dean's parents which made me happy.

After dinner Dean and I returned to Gabriel place. We made love again, slow and sweet, trading kisses and whispered words of love. As I drifted off to sleep with Dean's arms around me I knew: this is what home feels like.


	34. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well its been one heck of a ride and I'm so thankful for all of you who have stuck with this story since the beginning. Than you all so much for your kind comments and kudos. You readers mean the world to us so thank you for being there for us. We love you all and we hope this was worth the wait.

He walked with his head down. Leaves crunching under his feet, the wind gently blowing. He hadn't been here in years. Too many years. 

The sun cast shadows on the walkway, illuminating the path he knew by heart. He walked slowly, inhaling the scent of autumn on the breeze. He continued down the path, his destination on the right.

He turned right and stopped. He had arrived where he was headed. It had been too long since Castiel had visited his mother’s grave. He sighed and sat in the grass.

“Hello mother,” Castiel sadly smiled, “I apologize for not visiting you in such a long time. Things have been, busy.” Castiel gazed at the white marble tombstone, it was simple enough. He reached out and traced the letters carved into the beautiful stone. Amelia Novak. 

“I always did love your name mother. Such a beautiful name, it really encapsulated your spirit.” Castiel sighed, “I miss you mom. There's so many things you've missed that you should've been a part of.”

“I graduated,” Castiel voice broke as he started crying, “Mom I was valedictorian. The top of my class. How amazing is that? It's because you always encouraged me to study I know it is.”

“Dad doesn't hate me anymore. He's forgiven me and himself. We talk again, he stopped drinking, he's trying to do better. I know that you'd be proud of the changes he's made.” 

“I got married too,” Castiel held his left hand out, the beautiful silver band on his ring finger gleaming in the sunlight, “Dean proposed to me in the most beautiful way. He made me my own private prom and he proposed under the stars. It was magical.”

“The actual wedding didn't take place until after we graduated college though. It was a beautiful ceremony. Just me, dean, dad, gabe, and dean's parents and brother. It was so simple, but dad performed it and that meant the world to me.You would love Dean. I know it's been, 10 years? Since I've come to see you.”

Castiel looked at the grass, “I'm sorry I didn't make it out here when I was still in high school. I went through a rough period and I just couldn't find it in me to come see you. But Dean has helped me so much. He saved me. I love him, more than anything. I miss you mom.”

“Cas?” 

Castiel turned when he heard his name, “Over here Dean!” Dean came around the corner carrying an armful of hyper toddler.

“She won't stop squirming babe.” Dean set the young girl down on the grass and she immediately ran to Cas.

“Daddy!” She screamed and threw herself into Cas’ arms. Cas smiled wrapping her in his arms, “Amelia Claire Winchester, are you misbehaving for your father?” 

“Oh you have no idea babe.” Dean sat in the grass next to his husband, “You doing alright angel?” 

Cas nodded, “I thought this would be harder for me, but it's actually helping.” Dean smiled and grabbed cas’ hand, lacing their fingers together, “I'm glad it's helping. Now where are your manners? We haven't been introduced.”

Cas smiled and kissed his husband, “I love you, Dean Winchester.” 

“I love you, Castiel Winchester.” 

“I'm love daddy too!” Amelia hopped up and kissed her father's cheek. Dean laughed and kissed her back, “I'm love you too squirt.” Castiel smiled and turned to the headstone, “Mom, I'd like you to meet my family. My husband, Dean and our adopted daughter Amelia. We named her after you.” 

“Daddy who you talking to?” Amelia questioned. Cas took his daughters hand, “I'm talking to your grandma sweetheart.” Amelia looked around, “I don't see her.” 

“You can't see her love,” Cas smiled, “But you can feel her, in the sunshine, on the wind, in the grass, and on the leaves.” 

Amelia picked up and leaf and carefully cradled it, “My grandma is in this leaf?” Dean chuckled, “You'll understand when you're older pumpkin.” 

Amelia carefully turned the leaf over in her hands, taking care not to ruin it. Cas simply smiled at his daughter. One day she would understand, but for now if all she had was a leaf, that was good enough. 

He hadn't realized he was crying until he felt Dean's strong hand cradle his face and wipe away his tears, “She would be proud of the man you've become Cas. I am.” 

Cas leaned into his husbands touch, “I know. She would've loved you Dean.” Dean kissed Cas on the forehead, “You think so?” 

“I know so.”

And he did.

Finally Cas had what he had needed the most, a family. And he loved them.


	35. Timestamps

Wow, so it's been a year since I finished this and I've missed this story let me tell ya. There are at least 3 other fics in progress right now, some of them are posted some of them are not. I am thinking about revisiting this story in some timestamps. There were some questions asked about some things that had happened in the story that were never really addressed and I couldn't find a place to edit in the answers so, I thought timestamps with the answers would be good. 

Also, I don't know about you but I'd really like to know more about Cas and Dean's wedding ;) So this may be a project that gets added onto. 

Still deciding if I want the timestamps to be additional chapters or as a series. I'd love your opinions on this. Would you like to revisit this story with me? Do you think it's fine how it is without the extra bits and pieces? 

All comments are appreciated, and heck if you have some ideas on timestamps you'd like to see from this story let me know! 

Thanks for reading this everyone and I look forward to possibly revisiting this with all of you.

Much love,  
Brown.eyed.fallen.angel


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